Wednesday, May 21, 2014
Today is an anniversary of sorts. Every year for the past 4 years I reflect on where I am, what I have learned and where I want to go. 4 years ago my entire emotional foundation was destroyed when I was betrayed and held against my will in a mental hospital for 25 days. It has been a long, dark road back to the light. People say time heals all wounds. I think it depends on how you spend your time. I have a certain amount of acceptance over the situation. Everyday i focus on what is within my control and what I can improve. This situation has without a doubt changed me, and my outlook on life. I am no longer the naive trusting person who took everything at face value. I have learned discernment, I have learned to trust my instincts. Today I'm putting down the rock. It's been long enough, heavy enough. I will not continue to drink emotional poison and carry the negative thoughts of my former therapist with me. She lacked integrity, ethics and experience. No amount of my mental energy will ever change the situation. It is what it is. For a long time I wanted, hoped for and wished for and apology and explanation. None of that matters anymore. Words without action is useless. I can either have peace OR the answer to the question of WHY. I choose peace. The reason why doesn't matter, it won't change anything.
Today I have clarity over my thoughts and emotions and that is a reason to celebrate :-)
Sunday, October 20, 2013
I had one of the most frustrating, defeating conversations today. I can not believe how this women's comments are really getting under my skin.
A women at my church recently ran a 5k race, so when I saw her I congratulated her on the accomplishment of finishing the race. She was quick to tell me her time (which had also been posted in the facebook group message). She made a comment about wanting to train to run other 5k's, she also mentioned that she had walked a small portion of this race. I told her about the C25K app I had downloaded for free and how it had made all the difference in me finally being able to complete 3 miles. She then asked how fast I ran 3 miles. I told her and she said "oh...that's pretty slow, I finished the 5k in 42 minutes and I walked some...so I'm doing pretty well". Mind you, she isn't telling me anything I don't already know. I KNOW I am not running very fast, but I am running 3 miles without stopping which for me is a HUGE achievement. I just can not get over the fact that a person could be so incredibly rude and insensitive to someone else. Seriously, did she think I wasn't aware of how slow I was? Really...did she needed to tell me she could walk faster than I run? Really...on what planet was any of that going to be helpful to me. Hey...as long as she walked away from the situation feeling good about herself.
I am so frustrated. I can look at the situation and see that she is trying to make herself feel better regardless of what the cost might be to me. I should be able to let it roll off my back, but I can't. I am a brand new runner. I JUST finished the C25K program on 9/23, completing the distance is still a struggle for me. To have this woman tell me I'm slow is so diminishing to my efforts. I have been very quiet about my running, because I know I have a long way to go, because I know I am a beginner. I am so frustrated because I took a risk, was vulnerable and she behaved very poorly.
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Every day is a new opportunity for situations to change. I need to remind myself and practice being open to the universe. Last night I chose to walk to my support group instead of driving. I was only looking to get some exercise. On my way home I was stopped by someone who wanted to talk and that simple conversation was so eye opening and refreshing. It was a wonderful reminder of being open to the unknown.
Saturday, August 24, 2013
A few years ago I purchased the law of attraction DVD, it was about manifesting the life you wanted. It's been a few years, and what I remember sticking with me was that our thoughts created energy waves or signals and the universe would just send back whatever we put out into the universe. Similar to magnets. It kind of makes sense...whatever you spend you mental energy on you will get more of the same.
Awesome...my life has been on a downward spiral for years. No need to do the complete laundry list. Let's begin with say the last year. I was laid of the second time in 3 years, this time I chose to go back to school to become a Medical Assistant with the hope that the field would bring a better possibility of finding stable employment. I had challenges all along the way with classmates (theft of my wallet and the school did nothing), an externship where I might as well been knitting for the about of hands-on learning I received and with each challenge I told myself keep you eye on the prize....finishing the program and getting a job. I finished the program in March and in April I found a job (the 1st interview I went on) I was thrilled I was hired right away in my field of choice. I couldn't believe how quickly I was hired (Interviewed on a Tuesday and working on a Wednesday) I actually thought the practice manager saw something special in me, I thought the universe was rewarding me for taking a risk in a new career with job to show me I was finally on the right path.
Fast forward 3 months, on the last day of the month I had not received my schedule for July yet so I sent the program manager a text and she replied back with "oh sorry...It didn't work out, a letter was sent to you today" the only explanation I ever received was that "it didn't work out".
So this has been a pretty bummer of a summer. With the extra time I have on my hands it is more clear than ever who I can count on for support and concern and who tolerates me.
It's time for me to accept my situation, accept that no one is going to jump in and help me, accept that I poured a lifetime of energy into people who honestly don't really care about me. Awareness is key, it should prevent me from making the same mistakes and having the same disappointments over and over again.
I want this dark cloud to be lifted, I want to live my life in the light of day. Everything doesn't need to be perfect, I'm only looking for manageable....maybe a spackle kit for the holes :-) The rainbow comes after the storm....right?
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