Monday, February 18, 2013
What an interesting day so far... I figured I would share.
So I'm going along, minding my own business. Then I see this girl. She was wearing my Favorite color (red if you can't tell), her hair looked nice, she appeared to be in great shape. I wondered what it must feel like to be her? To be at your TIP TOP shape... to wake up and KNOW you look amazing. To be at your dream weight... All I could do was smile. Clearly this was a prom picture but she looked awesome... and it turns out (surprise surprise) that SHE was ME! **You guessed it huh?**
[me: 17 years old]
Well here's the thing! I remember that day. I remember being SO self conscious. I remember sucking my stomach in as far as I could and praying no one would call me fat... as the had so many times before. I remember having fun at Prom but also being so worried that people were secretly laughing or going to tease me. I remember ALWAYS wishing I weighed 120lbs... and I never could get there. I weighed 132 lb... and therefore I was no enough. I was a cheerleader and while I had a cute shape, Thin waist big hips, I still was the "big" one... I wasn't satisfied with where I was. If it wasn't perfect... it wasn't good enough.
I look at that picture now and think "OH MY GOD. Lord, Why couldn't I see the beauty that I had at that time? Why did I care what they thought? I should have held my head high and pranced around the dance floor like I owned it. I should have said WHO CARES if I never make it to 120 lbs... who cares if I stay at 132lbs for the rest of my life... I look great! Who cares that I have curves (and am healthy) and everyone else is less shapely... this is who I am! Instead, I guess secretly I decided it was better not to get too much attention that way people wouldn't tease me as much.
Let's fast forward to now...
[Me now... 27 :) ]
I do not want to make the same mistake. I don't want to look back 10 years from now and wonder why I hated myself (or my weight) so much when I looked amazing. [ Sidenote: I think it's important that you can tell yourself you look amazing. I fight this all the time because I don't want to be conceited but... shoot, if YOU won't say you're amazing... WHO WILL!?!?!? Or, even if they do... you won't believe them]
I don't want to say "GOSH I was soooo beautiful, why couldn't I see it? Why was I so focused on the scale and refused to see beauty in myself until I reached my goal... " And therefore, I'm going to hold my head high and prance around every dance floor I can find between my current weight and my GOAL weight and if I never get there I will enjoy the journey and realize I am made exactly how I was intended to be, Sure... I can improve. SURE, I'd look even better at 132 again... but in the meanwhile... I actually do believe I'll get back to the first size... it's only a 30 lb difference in 10 years. I can do it! I just wanted to remind us all that the lesson of SELF-LOVE is all around us.
You've got to love yourself where you are... as you are, or one day you will look back and realize these WERE the good 'ole days.
I may or may not be what other people want... but I WILL be someone worthy of love... MY OWN! :)
If nothing else, 2013 will be the year I TRULY heal my relationship with myself and become my
own best friend. I hope you find the same peace... if you haven't already!