Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Sometimes when everyone is asleep, I sit alone in my apartment and think.
Unsure of exactly what I am thinking, I find peace in the uncertainty.
When life is swirling all around you, there is nothing like a moment to breathe.
I believe plans, dreams, and goals are really what makes life worth the living. And for too long I have just allowed life to happen to me. Kind of floating along. Waiting for the next thing. good or bad. Not really effecting my life, just being affected by it. I want so much more than I am getting. I am happy, do not get me wrong. But I seriously sometimes feel that I am living below my potential. Where is the charismatic, friendly, outgoing woman that I once was?
In less than 5 months I'll be a MD. A doctor. I will have reached my life long goal at 25 years old. But, there has got to be more to me than this. I hopefully have a lot of life left for the living and I am goal-driven which means... I am going to have fun thinking of some NEW goals!!! :-D
I am still Her sometimes-the me I'd like to be. But for the most part I think I've allowed life, well medical school and my love life to be specific, to beat me down. I was reading something that said 'that we must RETURN to who we were meant to be. Powerful, magnificent, confident beings. No one was born beaten.' And that really spoke to me.
In the new year I want to really LIVE. To take chances. To do things that I may have neglected to do before. To go out and meet people again. to smile like never before. to be free.
I'm not sure if I told you all but 2010 has been eventful to say the least. Third year of medical school is enough to beat the crap out of you and make you wonder why you ever wanted to do it in the first place :) BUT on a positive note it has strengthened my relationship with God- which previously wasn't too bad if I do say so myself ;) .
That's one thing I've learned about hard times, they either bring you closer or further from God. But if you grow closer to him during the hard times, you'll find that victory is always much sweeter. Sometimes all you need is a seed of hope. Hope is enough to bring you out of the darkest things.
3rd year was difficult because we worked 80 hours a week every week. Got yelled at. Belittled. put on the spot. mistreated. all in the sake of becoming a phenomenal doctor- I suppose. But of course, it wasn't ALL bad,. it's a right of passage of some sort. And the best part is I'M A 4TH YEAR NOW!!!
And I've passed every board exam I need to take, and graduation is in 5 months-not that I'm counting! So that just goes to show that even the hardest things have an end. Nothing lasts forever. :)
I also got engaged in 2010 and ENDED an engagement all in the span on one year. Let's just say. I'm thankful that I mustered up the courage to do what needed to be done even when it was difficult. It's a LONG story but I will say... I made the right decision and am thankful that I did it now vs. later. When you don't have peace about a situation it's probably best to follow your mind. :-) And I figure, I'll meet someone sooner or later.
I pride myself on keeping a GOOD attitude even in the midst of sadness/turmoil and hopefully people didn't even realize I was going through so much.
Not sure why I brought any of this up... lol. Only to say, if you're still reading... keep the faith, hold your head high during tough times... Keep smiling and know LIFE IS FOR THE LIVING! So stop holding back, don't wait until you lose the weight. LIVE NOW! We may not be where we want to be but there is some JOY to be found in your situation. Look for it. And when you find it, take a moment to breathe and smile. This is the only life you've got. Love it.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Last night was Christmas and I had a wonderful day with my family!
I drove back to my apartment and after the 4 trips to and fro to get my gifts from the car to my apartment I decided to go workout. As I walked to the gym in the SNOW I smiled because I was proving to myself that I am REALLY dedicated this time. :-D
My mission for this week is to clean out my closet and rid myself of all things that are too small and those that are so old I probably will never wear them again. I have been wanting to give these clothes to charity for a while but I always am left with the What-ifs... What if I really lose weight this time and get into that size 6... I don't want to have thrown away things that I could have worn. But, after years of doing this, the clothes are older now (most still with tags though) and I probably should just let someone who can wear them NOW wear them.
And then there was that box.
The box in the floor of my closet that has been haunting me for quite a long time. I knew what was in it but still didn't want to open it until I knew that I had achieved my goals. In that box is probably 50 pairs of jeans that are too small for me. Size 6's, 8's, 10's.Some almost fit, some can get on but I am no where near zipping, and some might as well be ankle warmers because they are NOT getting up these thighs lol. [I actually wear a 10 now but they are tight and I wear some 12 Petites. ]
As I decided what to do with them I saw all my size 8's that I REALISTICALLY believe I will be able to wear again soon. So I have decided to keep them. Don't worry I have MANY MANY extra clothes to give away to charity. And I'm not going to keep every size 8 that I have. But those that are business pants, or really cute timeless jeans... I just want to keep them. A way of not giving up the hope. But I have made a promise. If I can't wear them by the time I graduate medical school in 5 months, they will be given away as well.
So that the next time I make foot prints in the snow on a wintery night headed to the gym for a late night workout, It will be BY CHOICE and not desperation. It will be because I love exercise- which I ALREADY do- and not because I know that I haven't reached my goals yet and I don't want to risk another year of not being successful. And most importantly because the next time I open that box, I want to SLIDE into a size 8 and wonder if there was really a time when they didn't fit.
Merry- day after- Christmas Spark buddies.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
I am proud of myself.
I am slowly making better decisions that will lead to my success.
I understand that no now means YES later.
I am proud of myself.
I have faced battles I thought I would lose.
Only to find, that in the end I win.
If I learn to have patience and discipline.
I am proud of myself.
Hmmm.. didn't intend to make that into a mini poem, it just sort of came out while writing. I basically just wanted to say, I STUCK TO MY CALORIES again today. I am READY to see my after. and I know I had been holding myself back. With excuses and fear and what ifs.
But I am ready. And watch out. Because when I GET READY... things change. (and of course, I trust God for the strength, discipline, and endurance I will need to REACH MY GOAL).
This is a short blog but I just wanted to tell someone that I am PROUD I stuck to my calorie goals. :-D That's a BIG step in the RIGHT direction. If I can do this most days... I will succeed! Tomorrow, I will do more exercise!
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