Tuesday, August 02, 2011
Sometimes I wonder if I'm taking on too much all at one time. I mean, I've always been a fairly busy person - even without a social life. Now I've added going to the gym, eating healthy (which takes more time since I'm cooking), a new friend that I really like hanging out with, a boyfriend who wants to be around me as much as he can, and I still have to get everything done that I was doing before.
So I worry.
I worry that I'm going to screw something up. Either I'll over or under train at the gym, or start eating the easy foods instead of the good-for-me foods, or push my boyfriend away, or I'll offend my new friend (which is easy for me to do since I've never really been good at being friends with girls - too much drama), or I'll mess up at work, or I'll get so stressed about how busy I am that I'll have a major breakdown.
I've actually taken a step back from SparkPeople. Some of you have noticed. I'm not around much lately. I think that being away from SparkPeople is actually causing me to not do as well in my weight loss. Somehow I've got to find a way to manage everything.
I finally told the boyfriend last night that some nights I won't be able to see him. He wasn't hurt, and in fact I think he totally understood.
In other AWESOME news, the 5K training is going better than I thought it was. On Saturday Yoda changed the route that we run. Instead of running from the gym to the top of a hill and back, he made it into a loop. Now we go to the top of the hill, go for a few blocks, and come down another street. From the gym to the top of the hill is about a mile and from the top of the hill around the loop and back to the gym is about 1.4 miles, so it's a total of 2.4 miles.
The first time I ran it on Saturday was killed. My legs were fine, but my lungs were not. They rebelled. They wanted to leap out of my body and find a new home where they wouldn't be pushed so hard. Yoda was awesome. He ran behind me and kept encouraging me. Well, he criticised my running form a bit too, but I was okay with that. I walked twice on the way to the top of the hill, but I ran back the entire way without stopping.
So yesterday Nicole and I decided to run it again. About half a mile in, she turned to me and said that our goal for the day was to get to the top of the hill without stopping. I've only been able to run up that hill once, and it was when I walked the entire way there and only started running at the bottom of the hill. But I like to be challenged, so I agreed.
It was tough. I wanted to stop and I wanted to sit down and I wanted to find my lungs a good home where they would be treated better, but I didn't. I didn't stop until we got to the top of that blasted hill. Then we walked for about half a block.
And then I ran the whole way back.
The. Whole. Way.
I ran 2.4 miles and probably only walked .1 of it in the middle. And the only reason I walked that was because I was texting Yoda to tell him that I was a Ninja RockStar.
I didn't run it fast and I didn't run it pretty, but I ran it. Plus, by the time I got back to the gym, I knew that I could run another half mile.
Of course, every day is different right now. Sometimes I can run with no problems and sometimes I get five minutes in and have to stop. But yesterday I could have run the 5K and that makes me feel like a hundred million dollars.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Life changes so fast. Blink and you'll miss it, right?
A few days ago I blogged about how I had quit the 5K due to various reasons, one of which being that I was over-training and tiring myself out due to simple loneliness. I spent every day in the exact same way. I went to work. I went home. I changed my clothes. I went to the gym. I did my workouts until I couldn't do anymore. I went home. I showered. I got into my pajamas. Then I watched tv or messed around on my computer until I was tired enough to go to sleep. In between all of those, I was eating my good foods and counting my calories.
But I had no social life. I felt secluded and alone. It felt like I was wasting a life.
That talk I had with Yoda really hit me hard. It woke me up to the fact that life wasn't passing me by because I was lame. It didn't care if I was overweight. It didn't notice that I was a loser and because of that gave all the fun times out to the cool kids.
It was me.
I made myself secluded. I built walls around me and I covered them in barbed wire. When someone found a weakness in my fencing, I'd build them higher or longer or wider or I'd add archers or more barbed fire or possibly an electric fence. When someone hurt me, I'd find a bomb shelter inside of my already protected mind and I'd lock myself in.
I blamed it all on my weight or my self-image or the fact that someone said something mean to me 15 years ago and made me this way. I convinced myself that there was nothing I could do about it except to accept it. I'd die alone.
That was a sad thought.
Then I had that talk with Yoda. I'd make an excuse, and he'd kill that excuse with a fantastically awesome lightsaber.
"I have no friends." - "I'm your friend."
"I can't.' - "You can. I've seen you do it."
"People don't like me." - "Lots of people like you, in fact, I've seen you push people away who wanted to be your friend."
"I have nothing to do." - "Come hang out."
This went on for a long time. Every excuse that I put out there was completely untrue. They weren't just excuses, they were lies and I'd told them to myself so often that I had forgotten that they weren't true.
So the last few days I've taken chances that I refused to take before. I have a boyfriend. He's a good friend of mine that has practically begged to date me for 10 years now and I always ignored it or shut him out. I told myself that he was too nice for me or that he wasn't my type or that I wasn't his type. But again, those are excuses and lies. So I went and talked to him. At first I was afraid that I was too late. He was talking about another girl he'd taken out a few times. But suddenly I think it hit him that I was jealous and everything changed. I'm still nervous about it. I don't want to screw it up, but I'm tired of never taking chances.
Then yesterday at the gym, there was a big 3 year anniversary party. Tons of games, food (which I stayed away from since Yoda was near and would know if I ate a giant blueberry muffin), and exercise activities. Nicole was involved in a Spinning for Diabetes event. She was on the bike for 3 hours, ladies and gentlemen. She is a rockstar. Of course, she made me come talk to her for a bit while she was pedalling away. Suddenly she said that I needed to come over for movie night. So that's happening tomorrow.
I suddenly have a boyfriend and a few friends. Now my problem isn't that I'm bored and lonely most of the time, it's that there aren't enough hours in the day.
I'm not gonna say that exercise did it, because it didn't. But being at the gym and training with Yoda made me face the demons inside of me. When you're working out, you can't fool yourself. If you don't try hard enough, you know. If you skip out early, you can't smooth it over. When your sweat is running down your face and you are putting everything into your workout, that's when you're being honest with yourself. You're too tired to come up with the excuses and lies. And that's when I face my demons.
I'm changing. I see those demons and those flaws and I am getting rid of them one by one. I'm taking a deep breath and telling myself that fear of what will happen in my life is NOT an option. I'm facing the fact that I got myself to where I'm at now - physically, emotionally, and spiritually - and the only person that can fix my flaws is me. And those flaws are totally fixable.
Now if only I could figure out who to talk to in order to get more hours in a day.....
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Itís been pretty darn close to a week since my last blog, and Iíve been having ups and downs every day. Hereís the important story, though. Itís the story of how I quit the 5K.
You read my blog last Wednesday. I was sore and tired, but I was optimistic. Then Thursday happened. There was nothing specific that started it. I was feeling down and depressed. I havenít been losing much weight. Iíd had a fight with a couple of friends.
Then I did something stupid. I wrote down the date of the 5K. Then I wrote how many weeks I had been training for. I included the training weeks that havenít happened yet. Then I went to the halfway point and decided that I should be able to run 1.5 miles by that day. Yeah. I was there.
It shocked me. How was I supposed to run 3.1 miles if I could even do half of that yet? The more I thought about it, the more I panicked. Then I picked up my phone and texted Yoda.
ďI wonít be at training on Saturday.Ē
ďWhy not?Ē He replied. ďAre you hurt? Are you okay?Ē
I responded that I was fine and that I just couldnít do it because I canít run.
He replied back quickly, and to me it sounded as if he were angry and annoyed. He talked about how it was a good thing I was quitting because if I didnít quit, then Iíd have nothing to regret the rest of my life. At least, thatís how I took what he wrote.
I responded that I was sorry I was a disappointment and had wasted his time. He said that I have never disappointed him and that I was stronger than I realize.
I cried. Then I re-read his ďmeanĒ message. Yeah. It wasnít harsh like I had taken it. It was honest and he was trying to get me to see that if I quit, Iíd regret it.
I didnít text him back though. That night, I went to the gym but I planned it so that Iíd get there after his shift had ended. I didnít want to see Yoda.
I was a little annoyed to see him there. He was training someone, so I figured itíd be easy enough to avoid him. I went into the women only workout room and did my workout. I was concentrating on running when suddenly I was bopped on the shoulder by a clipboard.
ďCome talk to me.Ē
I paused. ďBecause I donít want to cry.Ē
He laughed at me. Of course I followed him to his desk area. Heís Yoda. If he wants to talk to me, Iíll talk to him.
We talked for at least half an hour. He wanted to know why I wanted to quit and I went off about all the things that stress me. Iím not losing weight, I canít run as fast as the others in the group, I disappoint him, I hold people back. He quickly dispelled all those rumors. He told me that I work harder than any client heís had and that I wasnít holding anyone back. He told me to stop punishing myself when I didnít do as well as the others. I didnít know he realized that I do that. For example, we ran up a hill a few Saturdays ago. I didnít even make it up a quarter of the way before I stopped running and practically started crawling. So every day since then, I have tried to run that hill. I donít give myself a day off from it. I push myself until I can do it.
Then he brought up the fact that Iíve been overtraining. Iíve been spending 3 hours each night in the gym. He had mentioned it on Monday but I had promised him that I wasnít overdoing it. He told me that I need to come to the gym, do my workout for an hour, and then go home and have a social life.
Aaaaand then I started crying.
You see, I donít have a social life. My friends donít live around here. The ones that do are married with kids and I hate feeling like Iím babysitting when I invite them over. So I told him that I donít have friends. The only person I hang out with around here is my exboyfriend and his new girlfriend. Iíve been going to the gym to replace sitting at home, wishing I had friends and sinking into depression.
He was offended that I didnít consider him a friend. I laughed and said he didnít count because I only see him at the gym. Heís a gym-friend. He invited me over sometime to play video games.
I cried some more.
Then he asked me why I hadnít wanted to talk to him about it and I told him that I didnít want to cry and I cry when I talk about how much my life sucks. He said that it was good to cry sometimes. I had to explain to him that I cry all the time Ė when I mad, sad, hurt, watching a sappy movie, or anything else. I cry too much.
He laughed. Seriously. He laughed!
When I got offended, he said that girls who cry when theyíre mad at adorable. I glared at Yoda. It is NOT adorable when someone doesnít think youíre mad at them because you started crying.
Then he got me to un-quit the 5K.
Stupid Yoda and his stupid logic and nice-guy ways.
I also promised him that I would stop overtraining. So far, I have and I've been getting better and stronger instead of being tired and weak from overtraining. In fact, on Saturday I ran for a full mile without stopping, and this was after I had run half a mile in warm-ups and had already done a few other things.
I told him that I was sure he had better things to do than to talk me through my emotional craziness and he told me that there wasnít. He said he had even given up meeting with someone about personal training to another trainer so that he could talk to me. He said I needed it. He had seen me running on the treadmill and my eyes were empty and emotionless and he knew that if something didnít change, that not only would I be quitting the 5K but that Iíd stop coming to the gym and caring about my goals.
So, Yoda is my hero. He is the best trainer that I ever could have asked for. He pays attention to whatís going on with me and he doesnít let me make lame excuses. He wonít let me hurt myself and he will never be disappointed in me as long as I keep trying. He genuinely wants me to succeed and to be happy. So now, not only is Yoda my Fantastic Trainer, but heís become a friend. I trust him and I know I can count on him.
Somehow I know Iíll be running that entire 5K. And even if I end up having to walk part of it, Yoda will still be there with me, and heíll still be proud.
Even better, heís made me realize that the gym canít replace my life. It canít become my life. If it does, then itíll cause me more harm than good in multiple ways. I need a life outside of work and working out. I need to open myself up to people.
Iím still going to struggle. There will be days when I want to quit. But I wonít. If I feel like quitting, Iíll talk it through with myself, and if I still feel like quitting, then itís time to go see Yoda and see what he has to say.
I still feel really stupid about crying at the gym, though.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
My back hurts. My legs hurt. My calves are on fire. My arms ache. My ankles are swollen. I have callouses on my hands. I have blisters on my feet. I have bruises.
But I'm happy.
I'm working hard and I'm putting in a lot of effort to become someone that I want to be.
It's worth it.
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