Quick Question

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Just a quick question -

Does anyone know what happened to SanDiegoJohn??

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Self-Charity

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

For the past several weeks, I've been helping my family plan a benefit for my cousin's husband. He was diagnosed with ALL (Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia) a while ago. ALL is usually found in children, so doctors pretty much experimented with different ways to treat him. After a while and a lot of chemo and a bone marrow transplant, things were looking good and he was in remission. Then about two months ago he felt sick - not cancer sick, but he had a cold. It lasted several days, so he went in to get checked and it turned out that the cancer was back in full force. He went through chemo again. It wasn't working. Somehow he got into a program that was running an experimental treatment. It seems as though the treatment has worked and if he can stay in remission for a few more weeks, he will have another bone marrow transplant.

He is young - in his twenties. He has a little baby who's probably 2 or 3. He has an amazing family both on his side and his wife's.

I don't know how much we raised last night money-wise, but I do know that a lot of lives were touched. We had a talent show and a silent auction as well as a raffle. People in the community donated some amazing things. There were spa days and gym memberships and watches and paintings and even a helicopter ride. Yoda even contributed some training sessions!

Last night, I learned something. When it comes to other people, I LOVE helping them. I will go out of my way to do things for them. I will spend hours planning and I'll spend money that I barely have.

But when it comes to me, I give up on myself. I don't work as hard.

Cancer is ABSOLUTELY a bigger problem than my weight. Don't get me wrong. But in my own life, I'm dealing with obesity. And I'm not winning.

Last night was tough. We were there for hours. When it came time to head home I realized I was very hungry.

I had things to make at home - healthy things even!

But no, fast food it was. Also, there was Dr. Pepper. And cookies.

So why is it that to me, food is no big deal? It doesn't matter what I eat. In fact, I consider junk food to be a reward.

It's killing me. Slowly and yummily, true, but it is still killing me. I know this and yet for some reason I've decided that junk food is just so yummy that I don't care. I figure I'll change tomorrow. I'll do better tomorrow. I'll work it off tomorrow.

But tomorrow never gets here. There's always an excuse for another tomorrow. I'm sick. I'm busy. My family wants to grab something fast. It's easier.

We have benefits for people with cancer, people who've been in accidents, people who have serious medical conditions, people who generally need help. We send our love and time and money and blankets and blood and tears to those in need.

I am all for that. I think that when a person is in a position to help another in need, following through on that help is the purest form of love. There's no reward. There's no recognition. It's an act that shows our truest selves.

So why don't I help myself??? It would be easier than most of the things I do. It would take less time. It would actually improve my life. It would save me money on healthcare and food. It would prolong my life. All it would take is the sacrifice of something that is actually killing me.

KILLING ME!

Do you hear that, self?????

YOU'RE MAKING DECISIONS THAT ARE KILLING ME.

I'll keep helping others. I'll keep giving my time and energy and money into that because I'm in a position where I can.

But I'm also making myself my own charity case. Every day, I'm sending me a care package. I'm sending me my love and tears and sweat. I'm sending me fruits and vegetables and Yoda. I'm supporting and standing with me.

I'm worth it.

So are all of you.

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Sweat Harder

Wednesday, May 08, 2013

Yoda is brutal. Seriously. I really think he's making me pay physically for all the months I was lazy.

So far I've worked out with him twice - an hour on Monday and half an hour yesterday. Just an hour and a half of workouts.

How am I??

SORE. Seriously. Even sitting down hurts.

We're picking up where we left off, so that mean a 10 pound weight in each hand as I step up onto a bench. It means perfect form and 3 sets of everything. It means doing my reps at an optimal rate instead of slowly.

And it means that he doesn't let me slack off. If I'm slowing down or whining about the weight, he tells me to suck it up.

Yesterday in the half hour workout, I think I said "I hate you" to him at least 15 times - at least, I THOUGHT it. I'm pretty sure that I didn't have the breath to actually say it.

At first I was annoyed. I mean, I've been away from the workout circuit for over 5 months. He should understand that and let me do lower weights and less reps. He should be giving me a break.

But after the workout last night while I was showering my poor, screaming muscles I realized that I had already been giving myself a break. For five months I did that. I made excuses for why I couldn't work out. I said I'd "start tomorrow" instead of today. I ate whatever I wanted and I stopped weighing myself, counting calories, and fitting in fitness.

I've had my break.

My muscles remember these workouts. They remember how to lift things and what way they're supposed to move. I know how to use the machines and how much weight I should be able to do on each. I know what foods are good for me and which ones are only good for fat and sugar and gaining weight.

I've had enough of a break. I need discipline. I need hard work. I need to fit into a wedding dress in 3 months and not hate myself for not working hard enough.

So now I'm glad he's not giving me a break. I'm glad he's pushing me and making me sweat harder. Sweat is the InnerFatGirl crying, right?

In other news, here's a photo!

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Life is Not a Diet

Monday, May 06, 2013

I ran my 5K Saturday.

It was terrible.

It took me 54 minutes and 9 seconds. Last summer I was running them in the high 39/low 40 minutes.

In my defense, I haven't trained or worked out at all since December. Not even a little bit. I haven't eaten well. I haven't picked up a weight. I've watched a lot of TV though. And I had some EXCELLENT fast food.

I weigh more than I ever have. I stopped caring. I lived for the moment instead of for my life. There were days when I had fast food three or four times. There were days when the most exercise I got was sneezing.

I'm not going to regret it though.

Nope.

You might find that odd. I mean, I knew how to eat right. I knew which exercises to do. I paid for my monthly gym membership that wasn't being used. So why don't I feel guilty??

Guilt will get me nowhere. It won't change the past. It won't change what I've eaten over the past 5 months. It won't take the 30 pounds I've gained away.

All it will do is make me feel depressed and sad.

I refuse to do that.

So, I'm taking it for what it is. Today I will do better. Tomorrow will be better than today. Slowly I'll get back to where I was and I'll do it in a way that isn't a punishment for my 5 months off track.

Because whether I weight 230 pounds of 120 pounds, I'm still a RockStar. I'm still a good person and I still deserve to be liked. So do all of you!

I'm meeting with Yoda today. I'm pretty much guaranteed the hardest workout of my life. I know that he will push me harder than he did before because he knows I need it. Plus, I'm nowhere near where I was at before. I doubt I could run for a full minute right now.

But I'm going to try my hardest.

This isn't a diet - it's my life.

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Guess Who's Back?

Thursday, May 02, 2013

Guess who I saw this week.....

YODA!!

And he says to tell you all that he's back!

Well, sort of.....well, a little bit...well as soon as I figure out a time for him to train me.

You see, he's not at the gym again. But, he found a new place to train. Plus, my fiancé's gym will be done in a few weeks. And then I'm thinking of training five times a week until the wedding.

Yup. You read it right - FIVE TIMES a week.

I'm excited. First of all, I'll get to see Yoda every day. And he's pretty awesome (although not quite as awesome as my fiancé). Also, he really knows how to motivate me. He really believes in me and knows what I can and can't (and absolutely refuse to) do. On top of that, meeting with him every day will remind me of the healthy habits I need to create again.

So, my plan is to work 8 hours every day, then go to my fiancé's and work out with Yoda, then relax in the HOT TUB (did I mention that my wonderful fiancé thought a hot tub would be just the motivation I needed for a tough workout??), and then get eight hours of sleep.

On top of that I'll be planning a wedding, doing Summer Fun stuff, and writing my workout book. Plus I'll be blogging here and reading your uplifting and motivating blogs.

LET'S DO THIS!!!!

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