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GOLDEYGRAD's Recent Blog Entries

Blowing the Dust Off

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Wow - I took some vacation around the holidays and the proverbial ish hit the proverbial fan.

We had a lot of drama over the holidays thanks to our darling daughters, who don't know how to do a special occasion without involving stress and drama in everyone's life. In my youngest's defense, hers was not self-inflicted. Her father-in-law passed away unexpectedly over the holidays to some less than wonderful circumstances.

My other daughter, well, she and her husband have been fighting since the day they got married, and decided on the trip back from Indiana to the East Coast that they officially hated each other and wanted a divorce. Then they proceeded to post the drama all over Facebook.


To make things even more fun, Bob and I went down to Youngest Daughter's to babysit so they could attend the funeral and viewings, and came home with something special - strep. We BOTH got it. And it was horrible. Funny thing is neither of us had a sore throat. Apparently the strain going around didn't come with one. I finish up antibiotics today - Bob finishes his on Friday.

I also decided to go back to Weight Watchers over the holidays. It is much easier for me to track everything on the Weight Watchers mobile app than it is here at SparkPeople, so I've been using it more. I am actually going to go to my first meeting on Saturday. I did WW years ago and it worked really well.

So, that's what is going on here. I hope your holidays were less, well, eventful. :-)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BTRX71 1/16/2014 2:46AM

    Great you are finally feeling better and getting back to what works for you! emoticon

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KITT52 1/15/2014 3:16PM


Have a healthy week

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JANE1216 1/15/2014 12:40PM

    Unfortunately, I get what you're saying about the daughter drama! Seems to be something that they just tend to do -- drama! wow!

Congrats on getting back to WW --- it does work --- enjoy the journey --- and take your "me" time back --- you deserve it!!

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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Happy Holidays!

Friday, December 20, 2013

I just finished up work for the year 2013 and I'm getting ready to get my vacation on!!!

Wanted to stop in to wish all my friends a happy holiday season and a prosperous new year!

My oncologist check went well yesterday - the bleeding was caused by trauma in my check the week before. No boogie men hiding down there! (and by boogie men, I meant cancer cells).

I'm off to finish the holiday grocery shopping!

Enjoy everyone!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BTRX71 12/20/2013 4:59PM

    Good news on the checkup and just in time for you to be able to relax and enjoy your vacation! WooHoo!!!! Have a wonderful vacation! emoticon emoticon

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MOM2ACAT 12/20/2013 4:52PM

    I'm glad you had a good checkup, that must a relief not to have to worry about that over the holidays.

Enjoy your vacation!

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LISASGONNADOIT 12/20/2013 3:57PM

    Yay, you are on vacation! Have a wonderful couple of weeks if you aren't back on here and "Merry Christmas." So happy for you that your appointment went well. It is always a welcome relief when everything checks out. Big hugs and again, have a great vacation. emoticon

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JUSGETTENBY42 12/20/2013 12:31PM

    emoticon emoticon

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I Should Charge Admission

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

So, I wrote a post over on my wordpress blog about my new set of dialators.

Due to the somewhat graphic nature of that blog, I will refer you there to read it.

It's kind of funny.

And scary.

But mostly funny.

And a little scary.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BTRX71 12/18/2013 7:54PM

    emoticon It'd be interesting to know who thought that large one up. lol. Great blogging!

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GEEKY_GIRL 12/18/2013 4:13PM

    So, your blog made me smile. Thanks for the visual, lol! emoticon
Seriously, I appreciate you posting about real things.

Comment edited on: 12/18/2013 4:13:39 PM

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LISASGONNADOIT 12/18/2013 12:22PM

    You are doing great!!!

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MJRVIC2000 12/18/2013 9:35AM

    Whatever we sow, that is what we will reap! God Bless YOU! Vic.

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Yesterday was No Buenos

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

So, after my entry yesterday, I went to the bathroom only to discover bleeding. Not spotting, but bleeding. I freaked the eff out, and naturally called my oncologist. You know, the one I just saw LAST WEEK. I had not done anything to cause the bleeding - I had not used my dialator, I had not started using the Premarin, and we had not had sexy-time.

My oncologist got on the phone and told me while I thinks it's nothing, he wants me to come in this week to get checked out. I am ok with this, but it is a pain in the butt to have to drive all the way back to Baltimore (and miss the office holiday party) but I know my health is a priority so I will go. Dr. Rao has always said that if there is bleeding to call right away. He told me more than likely it is an after affect of all the radiation I've had and nothing more. He said everything LOOKED fine last week, and he's not worried. Well, if he's not, I will try not to worry.

An hour after I made my appointment, the bleeding stopped. Of course.

I did start the premarin last night, and used the dialator with no bleeding. I also inspected the new dialators. The large one, well, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA NO.
Not going to happen. EVAH.

So, send some good thoughts my way. I'm past the wigging out stage. I can get through this, but it was a scare.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BTRX71 12/17/2013 5:57PM

    Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way. It is hard not to worry when you have a scare like bleeding especially after all that you've already been through. Good luck at your appointment.

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BATCHICK 12/17/2013 4:33PM

    Yikes, that's scary! Glad it was fine after all.

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LISASGONNADOIT 12/17/2013 9:30AM

    Thankfully your bleeding stopped! Prayers and hugs. I would have been scared too.

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GOLDEYGRAD 12/17/2013 9:12AM

    Not the first time either...LOL...I had swelling last August that freaked me out, and they had me come in (I've had 17 of my lymph nodes removed)...schlepped all the way to Baltimore and he was like..."You're just getting old." LOL

But at least when I call, HE actually gets on the phone and talks to me. And he knows my body better than I do (He's seen more of it than I have!) so if he says come in, I'll go in.

Of course now that the bleeding has stopped, I feel silly for freaking out. But still, blood is blood!

And yes, today is a new day! ;-)

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GEEKY_GIRL 12/17/2013 9:09AM

    My oncologist said the same thing (about calling if there's any bleeding). They make it sound so extreme, and then you call or have an issue and the doctors aren't worried! lol, glad you're doing better. Keep us posted :)

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    Yesterday is gone so

Make Today the Greatest Day of Your Life

emoticon Until Tomorrow!

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I Need To Get Over This

Monday, December 16, 2013

Last night, my hubby and I were watching one of our favorite shows, Alaska, the Last Frontier, about the Kilchers who homestead in Alaska. Now, I'd certainly NEVER head to Alaska to least not in one of the far off areas that you have to take a plane just to get to Walmart. But I enjoy the families interactions with each other, and appreciate how hard they work to live the subsistance life.

Last night, Otto and his wife woke up to find that their 14 year old dog Jerry had passed away. I will admit, being an animal Momma, I got a little teary, and it brought back memories of my dog Sadie who passed away about 3 years ago. It wasn't a pleasant experience for me, because she was 125 pounds, and my hubby insisted on "saving money" by bringing her home from the vet and burying her ourselves. I am not very strong, and the blanket holdind her slipped from my grasp while trying to get her out of the back of the car, and she fell to the ground. Her sweet soft black ear slipped out of her shroud, and my hubby was grumpy with me and I fell in a heap on the ground and started to sob.

Last night, my hubby (who grew up on a farm) says, "I don't know why people get so upset when pets is just an animal." (Now, I will add here, that when we had Sadie put to sleep, he wore sunglasses inside so no one could see him cry.) I looked at him, and with tears in my eyes, I said to him, "They aren't just pets to me...they are my kids."

It was at this point, I finally confided to my husband that the past few weeks have been really rough on me. Now that I am getting over the whole "OMG I HAVE CANCER" thing, I'm truly beginning to mourn my fertility. I never EVER thought I'd get to be 41 and be childless. I knew that my weight would play a factor in my fertility, and for years I held off on getting pregnant until I got myself healthy. Then I had knee surgery, and just as we were starting to say, "Hey, maybe we should think about having a baby..." my diagnosis came. Just two weeks prior to my diagnosis, we had decided to let whatever happen happen, knowing that at nearly 40, my chances for getting pregnant were slim.
Now, I kick myself...did I put it off too long? Obviously.

My husband didn't really want more kids. He had raised his ex's daughters and they are all just a few years younger than I am. But he never said he didn't want a baby - and was willing to have one with me if that's what I wanted. He's 16 years older than me and at 57, he didn't really want to start over.

Now, it's a moot point. Babies are not in the cards. And some days I get this overwhelming feeling of emptiness. Don't get me wrong, I love my step-daughters to death, and I love my grandkids to the moon and back. But I never got to parent. I never got to hold my child, and go to their school holiday pageants, or takethem to soccer games, or get to see them grow up. My parenting experience has been dealing with grown women. It's just not the same. There is an empty ache.

I've been dealing with this for a few months now. Makes me really sad. One of the things that is adding to my stress. I'm considering grief counseling.


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GEEKY_GIRL 12/17/2013 8:02AM

    I share another's sentiments; when I read your blog, I identify so much with it. You're not alone and I'm sending BIG hugs to you!


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MOM2ACAT 12/16/2013 4:44PM


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GOLDEYGRAD 12/16/2013 1:15PM

    Sometimes I wish God's plan didn't have so much angst. But I'll power through. Thank you!

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KITT52 12/16/2013 12:32PM

    so many of us know this pain, I had cancer in my early 30's and realized the same children...I have look to the great times I have had with DH children and thank God for those blessings...we are not all meant to have babies but we can still be motherly to children who need it....

Good luck ..remember God has a plan for each of us....

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LISASGONNADOIT 12/16/2013 11:08AM

    I share your grief. Every time I read your blog, I can SO relate to how you are feeling. I am sooo sorry for your pain and know how you feel. I was 33 when I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and had a total hysterectomy. Biological children would never be an option for us again. At the time we just started seeing a fertility specialist. We chose not to adopt so today we hold each other and our furry babies tight and close to our hearts. They are our kids too. I encourage you to go for counseling, it really helps to have someone in your corner to talk to. Allow yourself to cry and feel the grief. It's okay. I still cry and grieve. emoticon

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PATTYR81 12/16/2013 10:43AM


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PHOENIXFARM 12/16/2013 10:40AM

  I am so sorry for the pain you are suffering. I am glad you talked to your hubby about your pet-children. Some people just don't think of the bonds between people and their pets. Give grief counseling a try, you might be surprised. If you find the right counselor or group it could make all the difference. Allow yourself to have a big cry. You might try meditation. Wishing you peace and happiness!

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