Friday, April 15, 2011
My boss was trying to help me with some things today and she said "Do you understand this? I mean seriously, do you?" as if I had limited intelligence! I wanted to yell at her. I wanted to say "I do, but you arent guiding me me! You arent telling me how to do these things! I have to make the time, then something else will suffer, then I'll get in trouble again!" I hate it so much. I feel like a failure. I feel frustrated! I just want her to feel like I did well.
But I shouldnt live my life like Im trying to please other people. This isnt healthy for me. This isnt healthy for anyone. I get anxiety on sunday nights, I feel misunderstood. I need out. I am in charge of my own destiny!
Normally, I would take solace at home. I went to visit a friend after work and I forgot to take my phone off of vibrate and Nitz tried calling me many times to see if I was okay. This is a new friend and I didnt respond to his texts. I finally got home at 8pm to three voicemails, texts, and missed cell phone calls.
I was okay until he said "I was worried, why didnt you answer the phone? Why didnt you have your earpiece in?" and I said "Im sorry Im such a f--k up and I cant do anything right for anyone!!!" I was very vulnerable and sad and frustrated and it broke me. He didnt mean it like this, he said he wasnt yelling at me, but I took it this way and now I just want to be by myself for like a whole week. I dont want to eat, or drink, or make nice with other people. I just want to be alone.
Im never alone. It's a gift and a curse.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Today I joined a social networking site for professionals. Exciting I guess. Maybe I'll meet someone with a career like mine, or find a great opportunity.
I miss dealing with patients sometimes, like, dealing with people face to face. I think maybe I need more of that. I think it would let me feel more joy in my career. I just feel like Im slogging through right now because Im wrapping my brain around new processes and terrified to do the wrong thing. I want to make my boss proud of me, but I feel like Im missing something. I feel like there's a nice group of people I could be meeting right now! I dont know... Not that I dont work with nice people, I really do, but Im feeling this gap lately, and I cant imagine going to the same place for the next 20 ears, or 10 years or even 5 years. I want to smile at work and feel like I did a really great job.
In other news, I havent worked out at all, but I run around a lot at work and rarely take the elevator, so I feel like Im not doing completely nothing. I find the weeks are going far too fast for me! It's insane!
At work the other day I went to buy my lunch. We have a salad bar at work that's really affordable, and it's usually stocked with good stuff, so I typically opt for that when I have to eat at work. So I go to the salad bar and a girl I know is beside me. She's 'husky' and I hate that word, but I consider her very healthy and very active, but she isnt in that emaciated super model size double zero category that is the definition of thin these days (YUCK!), and neither am I by the way. Anywho, Im not paying attenion and someone is talking to her, mentions the salad bar and she says something like "Yup, I love salad" and the person beside her says....
No seriously, get this....
"Good for you."
I found this very condecending, though Im sure the person was being very nice and making conversation, I felt it was biased somehow and patronizing. I kept telling myself it was a kind comment, not a mean one, and Im sure no one else took it the same way I did, seeing as it wasnt meant for me and everything, but I guess I find the statement "Good for you" unnerving. Or insincere? Im not sure.
I notice the weirdest things sometimes.....
Friday, April 01, 2011
So today I had a weekly meeting with my boss at 4pm. I worried about it all last night.
Nitz had asked me out on a date on Sunday. We live together, and have been in a relationship for 5 years, but we still try to 'date'. He said he wanted to take me to the art gallery. I accepted his invitation politely (jumping up and down in my head of course, wondering what I was going to wear) and went about my week, but when Nitz asked me last night if I had thought about further date plans, since the art gallery was merely a suggestion, not concrete, I groaned out loud.
"I gotta worry about tomorrow first! I want my meetings to be PERFECT!"
"They will be," he said, always the optimist.
But I honestly didnt know what to expect. I imagined the worst case scenario: Me sitting down, with all my work projects in order, my desk clean, not a loose end left untied on a friday afternoon, and she finds something...anything.....and asks me why it wasnt done. And I wont know what to say. I'll just sit there and turn red and promise it wont happen again.....a NIGHTMARE!
....but I sat down at 4pm, my notes detailed, my progress marked and outlined, and we chatted. How was your week? What did you do? Did you have any problems or worries about any of this? Who is this client and do they ask for help from us often? I had answers for all of these, with details.
For thirty minutes we had a chat, a great chat, and we joked and smiled and giggled and she told me about a presentation she was working on and how well it went that morning. She told me I was very busy this week and supported everything I did. I had submitted some papers to legal and she apologized that she didnt help me with the process as she was so busy and she'd answer the questions the executives wanted to know about, not to worry.
I have no idea why I was worried. So I asked her: Do I just keep doing what I am doing? (aka, making notes and doing a good job in general?) Yes, this is great, Candy, thank you!
I couldnt have been more relieved. To celebrate a small victory, I went and got a bottle of wine I like and cheese ball. Hey, I know it's not super healthy, but give me this one okay?
Nitz is watching the Blue Jays play tonight with his two friends, which means Dante and I can watch Avatar: The Last Airbender uninterrupted! Yay!
Also, my tooth feels fine, but I am giving it plenty of time to speak out if need be. Still sending positive thoughts into that tooth because I want it to thrive :) I've flossed every day, brshed, and used antiseptic rinses to help.
I hope everyone has a really great weekend. Mine is off to a wonderful start. Im glad my luck is finally changing :)
Monday, March 28, 2011
This month has not been good to me.
Im trying really hard to be positive right now, I really am.
Last week I got in trouble at work. I got a written letter sent to HR because I didnt follow through on a few things and my boss was really upset at me ('Gross incompetence", "So disappointed"). I dont want to make her mad, I really dont. I want to make her proud of me so for the next month on fridays at 4:30 I have to meet with her (fun fun fun fun....heh). I feel like a total failure and I need to be baby sat. I feel awful.
Then I got up today to find out I have two parking tickets on my windshield that dont make sense....on the day I have to go to the dentist to get some major work done. I have never had this problem parking there before, so I have 80 dollars to pay for these tickets. It's all too much right now....
And Nitz called me to tell me to fight them. How?? I feel lost. I cant take the time off of work, I had to leave early to go to the dentist! This will not bee seen as favorable in the eyes of my boss.... But Nitz wouldnt drop it. He kept trying to 'help' by talking to me about the tickets but I really dont need this right now at all! He can fight them if he wants, but I cant take the time of work to do this. This couldnt happen at a worse time, really.
I just got home and my face is all swollen. Dr. M has told me he has done everything he possibly can to avoid a root canal, so now we wait and see. It isnt the same tooth I thought, so I might have to do the canal to save it and I am completely ready for that possibility. I am willing all my positive energy into that tooth and trust that Dr M has done the best job ever! 4 cavities are filled. 8 more to go.
So sorry this is such a sad note, but this is why I havent kickboxed, am afraid to eat, and just genuinely unhappy with how my life is right now. Im fixing up my resume and we are looking at other apartments (with underground parking) so hopefully life has an upswing for me soon!
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
I feel terrible.
My dentist's office emailed me today with my treatment plan. It's worse than I thought. Too many cavities, possible root canal, those wisdom teeth should come out in the next two years, ick! I called the office and the receptionist talked shop with me, calming me down. I need work done, and March 28th cant come fast enough. That's all Im going to be thinking about. It's going to haunt me at night: images of my teeth turning to dust because I didnt get this done sooner.
I feel guilty. We're talking serious money here. I have insurance, but if the guy wants to do a root canal, Im just going to tell him to yank the darn tooth. It's in the back where I cant brush, and I'd have to do a crown on top of that, which is too much money in my opinion. No love lost between me and that tooth! It is the weakest link! Goodbye!
I totally dated myself back to the late nineties there. Wow.
So Im down. I feel gross. I feel defective. I feel like I got an F minus on a test. We were talking numbers that put car repairs into perspective.... Speaking of, my car insurance is coming up in July. I pay it up front for the entire year, and these bills are too close for comfort....
I have an emergency fund, which is reassuring. Most 27 year olds in this town don't. But I feel guilty for feeling so invincible in my early twenties that I felt I didnt need a dentist. I was seriously reckless when it came to my health. My father is diabetic, I feel like I should have known better and not mistreat myself this way. And I hate this waiting. I wish I was in the dentist's chair right this very second, I really do!
So no gym membership for me, or tinted windows on my car, or a new video game. I told Nitz, and he undestands. My dentist's office told me that I can claim some on next year's tax return. My benefits are up for review (they only have a limited window of time where you can upgrade or downgrade your plan) so I will up it in case he finds something else. Might as well get optical too. The fun never ends, ha!
Sorry, just kind of embarassed about the entire thing....
Get An Email Alert Each Time GOLDCHOCOBO Posts