Saturday, January 22, 2011
From the ArcaMax Publishing, Jokes Newsletter:
Eye halve a spelling chequer,
it came with my pea sea.
It plainly marques, four my revue,
miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
and weight four it two say,
Weather eye am wrong oar write
it shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid,
it nose bee fore two long.
And eye can put the error rite
it's rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it,
I am shore your pleased two no.
Its letter perfect awl the weigh,
my chequer tolled me sew.
See, I already helped you burn some calories today!
Have a good one
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Here's your daily dose of laughter!!
Computers and Cars
At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared The computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: if GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they painted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to re-install the engine.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 percent or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Dept.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS
1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'
My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald ,
2... At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . .replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes ,
Seattle , WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad
news when I told a wife that her husband had
died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her
reporting to the rest of the family that he had
died of a 'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. During a patient's two week follow-up
appointment with his cardiologist, he informed
me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with
one of his medications..
' Which one ?'. .. . I asked. 'The patch...
The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it !'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of
the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair ,
Norfolk , VA
5.. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . . ' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-
Corvallis , OR
6. I was performing rounds at the
hospital one morning and while checking
up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your
breakfast this morning?' ' It's very good
except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem
to get used to the taste.'. .. . Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced
a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf ,
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room
when a young woman with purple hair styled
into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety
of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing,
entered . . . It was quickly determined that
the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
scheduled for immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating
table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had
been dyed green and above it there was a
tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon
wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,
which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by RN no name,
AND FINALLY!! ! . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . .' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'
She replied with tears running down
her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .
' No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . .' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener .' '
Dr. wouldn't submit his name....
Baby's First Doctor Visit
This made me laugh out loud.
I hope it will give you a smile!
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied..
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.
a friend sent these to me, just sharing the laguhs!
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong
This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a
regular workout routine..
For my birthday this year, my Husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go
ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer
named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!
The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
Started my day at 6:00 a.m.
Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I
arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me.
He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and dazzling white smile.. Woo Hoo!!
Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines.
I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his
aerobics class after my workout today..
Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was
already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the
air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile...His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.
I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.
Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop..
I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered
other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying..
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
He said some other shit too.
Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as
his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.
I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to
tie my shoes.
He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.
Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I
I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world..
Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little aerobic instructor.
If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Christo wanted me to work on my triceps.
I don't have any triceps!
And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn
barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today.
Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my
planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over.
I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me
that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy.
I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have
sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
Hilarious! think I burned my calories for the day already!
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