Wednesday, October 27, 2010
A CEO-type was in the hospital, being treated for a minor deal. For a week he'd made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating all the staff, shouting orders and demanding attention, complaining about the food, the bed, the temperature, the weather. Typical big shot.
One morning a nurse's helper entered the room, saying, "Time to take your temperature, sir."
After growling that she was disturbing his nap, the guy finally opened his mouth for the thermometer.
"Sorry, sir," said the nurse, "but for this test we need your temperature from the other end."
After bitching about the embarrassment and inconvenience, the guy finally rolled over and bared his butt. After the nurse finished, she said, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you."
The nurse left, leaving the door ajar. The guy's back is to the door, and for over an hour, he hears people wandering up and down the hall, laughing. At length the guy's doctor entered the room, saw the guy with his bare butt in the air and gawked. Finally, he asks, "What's going on here?"
The guy barks, "Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
"Not with a daffodil."
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Working Man Blues
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so ...they gave me the ax.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because ...it was a so-so job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that ...was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but ...I just couldn't cut it.
Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just ...didn't have the thyme.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I...couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found ...I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I...didn't have any patients.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I ...just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I ...couldn't live on my net income.
Thought about becoming a witch, so I ...tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool-maintenance company, but the work was ...just too draining.
I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes, but I was fired because I ...wasn't up to it.
So then I got a job in a fitness-center, but they said I ...wasn't fit for the job.
Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking and I ...was discharged.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was ...no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it ...was always the same old grind.
( an email a friend sent me)
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Raising teenagers is like nailing Jello to a tree.
Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.
Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts.
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
One day I shall burst my buds of calm and blossom into hysteria.
If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters and too young to borrow the family car.
(An email I received from ArcMax)
Saturday, October 23, 2010
A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'. . . perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed.
Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "my thoughts are a bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad. "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me that first penny?"
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