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Temperature- humor

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Temperature

A CEO-type was in the hospital, being treated for a minor deal. For a week he'd made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating all the staff, shouting orders and demanding attention, complaining about the food, the bed, the temperature, the weather. Typical big shot.

One morning a nurse's helper entered the room, saying, "Time to take your temperature, sir."

After growling that she was disturbing his nap, the guy finally opened his mouth for the thermometer.

"Sorry, sir," said the nurse, "but for this test we need your temperature from the other end."

After bitching about the embarrassment and inconvenience, the guy finally rolled over and bared his butt. After the nurse finished, she said, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you."

The nurse left, leaving the door ajar. The guy's back is to the door, and for over an hour, he hears people wandering up and down the hall, laughing. At length the guy's doctor entered the room, saw the guy with his bare butt in the air and gawked. Finally, he asks, "What's going on here?"

The guy barks, "Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

"Not with a daffodil."

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CINDHOLM 10/27/2010 1:49PM

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IDSWEETHEART79 10/27/2010 10:35AM

    HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

That was awesome!!!

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SCHATZY25 10/27/2010 7:26AM

    That is hilarious! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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-WRKNG2ABTTRME- 10/27/2010 1:38AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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Working Man Blues- cute

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Working Man Blues

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so ...they gave me the ax.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because ...it was a so-so job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that ...was exhausting.

I wanted to be a barber, but ...I just couldn't cut it.

Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just ...didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I...couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found ...I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I...didn't have any patients.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I ...just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I ...couldn't live on my net income.

Thought about becoming a witch, so I ...tried that for a spell.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool-maintenance company, but the work was ...just too draining.

I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes, but I was fired because I ...wasn't up to it.

So then I got a job in a fitness-center, but they said I ...wasn't fit for the job.

Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking and I ...was discharged.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was ...no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it ...was always the same old grind.


( an email a friend sent me)

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PEPPERLEAH 10/26/2010 9:55PM

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CINDHOLM 10/26/2010 6:07PM

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IDSWEETHEART79 10/26/2010 10:30AM

    Hahaha, thanks for the laugh!

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WANAKA 10/26/2010 9:11AM

    emoticon

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WATCHMEGO2 10/26/2010 6:49AM

    groan....lol

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BEAR_GURL 10/26/2010 1:37AM

    emoticon Thanks for sharing: )


HUGS,

Melissa

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HEATHERL219 10/26/2010 1:30AM

    That was cute!! HAHA!

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Interesting Thoughts

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Interesting Thoughts

Raising teenagers is like nailing Jello to a tree.

Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.

Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts.

Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

One day I shall burst my buds of calm and blossom into hysteria.

If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters and too young to borrow the family car.


(An email I received from ArcMax)

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WCATAP 10/25/2010 2:25PM

    Good thought all of them.

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SKFEREBEE 10/25/2010 11:11AM

    Uh-oh. I do love my shredded wheat! Guess I can be young at heart. emoticon

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ELCIA_S 10/24/2010 9:25PM

    haha, good one

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A penny for your thoughts

Saturday, October 23, 2010



A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'. . . perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "my thoughts are a bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad. "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me that first penny?"

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WENDYSPARKS 10/24/2010 11:46AM

    Cute!!! Thank you!! emoticon

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SKINNYROBIN100 10/24/2010 11:41AM

    Soooo cute!!! And sometimes that is about me! I can't remember from one minute to the next either! Especially when I have many things going on at the same time and it all gets filtered out!! emoticon emoticon

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LIVINGONMYTERMS 10/23/2010 8:00PM

    That was cute emoticon Thanks for sharing.

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HEATHERL219 10/23/2010 3:46PM

    Haha, that was cute! Thanks for sharing!

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QUEEN_REINA 10/23/2010 5:17AM

    Very cute! thanks for sharing

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Dumb Instructions

Friday, October 22, 2010

Dumb Instructions

"Warning: May contain nuts." -- On a package of peanuts.

"Do not eat." -- On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the styrofoam packing.

"Access hole only -- not intended for use in lifting box." -- On the sides of a shipping carton, just above cut-out openings which one would assume were handholds.

"Warning: May cause drowsiness." -- On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills.

"Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death." -- Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle.

"Do not use orally after using rectally." -- In the instructions for an electric thermometer.

"Turn off motor before using this product." -- On the packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.

"Not to be used as a personal flotation device." -- On a 6x10 inch inflatable picture frame.

"Do not put in mouth." -- On a box of bottle rockets.

"Please remove before driving." -- On the back of a cardboard windshield (for keeping the car from getting too hot when parked).

"Remove plastic before eating." -- On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack.

"Not dishwasher safe." -- On a remote control for a TV.

"For lifting purposes only." -- On the box for a car jack.

"Do not put lit candles on phone." -- On the instructions for a cordless phone.

"Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants." -- On the packaging for a wristwatch.

"Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use." -- On a battery.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LIVINGONMYTERMS 10/23/2010 8:03PM

    emoticon emoticon Love the wristwatch one! You know, there is always going to be one in the crowd to do something stupid. That is probably where they came up with Jacka$$ the movie.

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PEPPERLEAH 10/22/2010 9:43PM

    emoticon

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SKFEREBEE 10/22/2010 2:23PM

    But you know there's going to be an idiot... emoticon

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WANAKA 10/22/2010 11:29AM

    What a hoot! Especially the wristwatch one! Like, DUH!!!! LOL

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CINDHOLM 10/22/2010 11:01AM

    emoticon I needed that!!

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HPOTTER4 10/22/2010 10:28AM

    Oh, that is great! Thanks for a great laugh!

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