Personality Tests for the "Martha Stewart Living Impaired"

Friday, January 22, 2010

Personality Tests for the
"Martha Stewart Living Impaired"
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The Preferred Gift Personality Test

Which gift would you like? To determine your personality, pick the gift you'd most like to receive.

Candy
Flowers
A Sweet Poem
Sex
Dinner / Dancing
Waffle Iron


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Your Personality

CANDY
It means that... You are a sweet person who enjoys traditional gifts and hopefully likes to share. OR You're a selfish chocoholic who values a sugar high over everything, even true love.

FLOWERS
It means that... You love the beauty of nature, the scent of flowers and appreciate this timeless romantic gesture. OR You get some twisted joy out of watching vegetation wither and die.

A SWEET POEM
It means that... You're a hopeless romantic, a cultured person who recognizes the power and beauty of the written word. OR You're used to cheap gifts and like to pass yourself off as a cultured person who recognizes the power and beauty of the written word.

SEX
It means that... You are a passionate soul, a free spirit who is not afraid to express your sexuality with another consenting adult and feel that the physical side of love can be meaningful and beautiful. OR You're a filthy degenerate who is no better than a rutting animal living solely for one carnal experience after another.

DINNER / DANCING
It means that... You enjoy the company of that special someone and the romantic setting of fine cuisine and candlelight. OR You're easy to please and probably willing to sell your body for food and a few quick turns around the dance floor.

WAFFLE IRON
It means that... You're a practical person who believes in gifts that you can actually use. OR You have absolutely no idea of what gift-giving is all about and probably have some sort of deviant sexual fetish involving kitchen appliances.

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Getting Snow?

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Getting Snow?

A diary of one person's love of snow...

December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season:
we took out cocktails and sat for hours by the window, watching the huge
soft flakes drift down. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print: so
romantic, we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9: Woke to a blanket of crystal white snow covering the
landscape. What a fantastic sight! Moving here was the best idea I've
ever had. Shoveled for the 1st time in years & felt like a boy again.
Did the both driveway and sidewalks. Later, the snowplow came along & I
got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12: Sun melted all the lovely snow but good neighbour said we'd
have a white Christmas. Then commented that by the end on Winter, I'd
never want to see snow again.

December 14: Snow, Lovely snow! 8" last night and cold, too. Wind took
my breath away but warmed up shoveling. This is the life! Later the
snowplow came back, again, but I'm getting in better shape. Just wish I
didn't huff & puff so much.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold the van and bought a 4x4; snow
tires for the wife's car & 2 extra. Shoveled, then stocked the freezer.
Wife wants a wood stove in case power goes off. I think that's silly -
we aren't in Alaska...

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Landed on my butt trying to salt
the driveway. Hurt real bad. Wife laughed for an hour. (I think that was
very cruel.)

December 17: Too cold and icy to go anywhere. Power was off for 5 hours.
Piled on blankets to stay warm with nothing to do but stare at the wife
& try not to upset her. Can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own
living room. (Won't admit that I should have bought wood stove: hate it
when she's right.)

December 20: Power's back on and had another 14" of the stuff. Shoveled
all day. Snowplow came by twice. Kids too busy playing hockey to help.
Hardware store sold out. Next shipment of snow blowers due in March.
Neighbor says I have to shovel or city will have it done and bill me.
(Think he's lying...)

December 22: White Christmas!!! 13" more of the white stuff & its so
cold, it won't melt 'til August. Tried to shovel - just too tired. Tried
to get help from neighbor who has snow plow on his truck but he said he
was too busy. (Sure he's lying.)

December 23: Only 2" of snow today and had warmed up to 0. Wife wanted
me to decorate the front of the house. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't
she tell me to do that a month ago? Says she did. (Think she's lying.)

December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel.
I'm gonna get that snow plow driver. (I know he waits around the corner
to see if I'm finished, then roars by at a 100, sending snow flying all
over.) Wife wanted me to sing carols with her & open our presents, but I
was busy watching for the darn snow plow.

December 25: Merry Christmas. Another 20" of the slop. Snowed in again &
the idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate snow! Then the
snowplow driver came by asking for a donation. I wanted to hit him over
the head with my shovel. Wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's
an idiot and if I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time,
I'll throw her in the snowbank.

December 26: Still snowed in.

December 27: Temperature dropped another 30 degrees and the pipes froze.

December 28: Warmed up to -25. Still snowed in and the wife is making me
crazy!!!!!!

December 29: Another 10" & neighbor says I have to shovel the roof
before it caves in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb
does he think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in. Another 9" in forecast.

December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house: no more shoveling.

January 8: I feel sooooo good. I just love those little white pills they
keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?



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Kids & Condoms

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see.", replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and ask, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men", the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy;" Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men, One for January, one for February, one for March..."

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How Fights Start

Monday, January 18, 2010

How Fights Start

My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.' And then the fight started...


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My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire


" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,


" Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....


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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.


I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.


The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio,


and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.


I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,


"The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied,


"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...



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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds..'

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...


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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion,

and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.


I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago,


and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started....


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A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband,


"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

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Exercise Accountability Log for the Week 1/10-1/16

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Sunday: 88 min 563 calories burned
Monday: 114 min 1014 calories burned
Tuesday : 115 min 1089 calories burned
Wednesday: 170 min 1496 calories burned
Thursday: 165 min 1238 calories burned
Friday: 200 min 1495 calories burned
Saturday: 200 min 1528 calories burned

Grand Total : 1052 min 8423 calories burned Not too shabby! That is not including strength training, so that boosts it up to
1081 min 8565 calories burned according to Sparks tracker.

Exercises included: Gold's Gym Cardio Boxing, Wii Fit, Wii Frisbee Golf, Wii 100 Pin Bowling, Walking.

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