Sunday, April 24, 2011
It's almost been two weeks since I last blogged. After the news from my neurologist, I kind of went in to hiding again. I need to work on pushing through the tough times, to continue eating well and making good decisions for myself even when the going gets tough. Lately, it's been more like when the going gets tough, Kalyn gets going... far away from everything. I want to change that, I do.
I've gained the weight back that I tried so hard to lose at the beginning of the month. If there is one thing that I am proud of, it is that I always come back to try again. If I didn't do that, who knows how high of a weight I would balloon up to. The great thing about life is that each day is a new chance. I've decided to come out of hiding and refocus on myself, again. I'm not going to assume that this is going to be "the time" when I finally lose "the weight" and ride in to the sunset happily ever after. If this journey has taught me anything, it has taught me that there is no waiting for that sunset, and that the happily ever after is now. It's all in how I live each day.
I had an MRI for my spine on Thursday and it was the first time that I had to get an MRI in a closed machine. Our hospital has the really small closed machine. I couldn't believe that I even fit in it! I'm not claustrophobic, but I believe that everyone can be claustrophobic if you try to fit them in a tight enough space! My arms had to lay on top of my body because the machine wasn't wide enough for me. Then, the machine wasn't tall enough for my arms to be on top of my body. They drug along the top of the machine as she pushed me in, and my shoulders were flush with the sides of it. I was afraid that they wouldn't be able to pull me back out. I asked her to try to pull me out a couple of times before I agreed to laying there for 45 minutes. I didn't finish my entire scan. It was suppose to take 1 hour and 30 minutes and I only lasted for 45. I almost passed out when she pulled me out the last time, I had to sit down for a few minutes. It was a horrible experience and I don't think that I could bring myself to do another closed MRI... not at this weight. Unfortunately, I am going to be on annual MRI's for this disease. Maybe even more than once a year. Losing this weight isn't an option, I need to do it, for my health.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
**Warning: This blog isn't going to help anybody but myself, I apologize in advance!**
To recap, since December 2010, I have been having dizzy spells or these weird "attacks". My eyes have been bouncing, blurry, and even doubled at some times. I started getting tremors down my arm and legs, with weird numbness that comes and goes. I've been having some memory loss, mixing up words, and a lot of neurologic issues. My family doctor suggested an MRI. It was relatively painless, aside from the needle injecting dye in to me. (Let me also state that I hate needles.)
So, the MRI came back with an arachnoid cyst in my brain and non-specific white matter. They set me up with a neurologist, which was really scary for me. Well, this was the least of my worries. At the appointment he informed me that he believes that I have an early onset of Multiple Sclerosis. Okay, fine... I have an aunt with MS and if she can deal with it, so can I. Well, in order to diagnose me, I had to go through a series of tests. I had to get blood work, go through evoked potentials testing, and I had to get a spinal tap. (Remember how I hate needles?)
The spinal tap was the worst thing that I have ever had done to me in my life. They had to go in three times and it was extremely painful. (NOTE: It's not painful for everyone, so if you have to get one done, please don't go running. It's different for everyone!) They were unable to get my spinal fluid out, so they kept pushing around in there and I was screaming and crying. It was extremely tramatizing and I still have nightmares.
After recoving from the spinal tap for a week, I then had to get evoked potentials testing and bloodwork. Once I had all of that done, it was 6 weeks later which brings us to the present. Today was my neurologist appointment, the one where he said we should have definite answers. I have been so nervous and anxious about this appointment, yet so hopeful for some REAL answers.
To sum up the appointment, he had no definite answers for me. He actually is referring me to a specialist in Pittsburgh who specializing in sarcoidosis and multiple sclerosis. My neurologist told me that I definitely have either MS or Sarcoidosis, he just isn't able to tell which because they are so similar. So, basically, still no treatment. I am so totally disappointed, I don't even know what to do with myself. I want to hide from the world and just give up on all of my future appointments/testing. My neurologist has me now getting blood work done three more times, he has me on an extremely high dose of vitamin d because of my past bloodwork results, and he has me signed up for another MRI (this time of my spine) and a chest x-ray.
I have used so much time from work to get me to this point, I don't know what I am going to do about future appointments. Also, speaking about this point, what IS THE POINT? I am at the same place where I was at my first appointment with this guy 6 weeks ago. WE ARE STILL IN THE MAYBE STAGE! I went through so much pain and so much anxiety for nothing. I am so discouraged, and frankly, I am pretty depressed over this. I feel helpless, hopeless, and alone. Even though I have the most supportive husband in the world, I feel alone in my symptoms.
Again, sorry that this blog isn't helpful to anyone else. I just needed to vent.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
— n , pl -ties
1. the state or quality of being spontaneous
2. ( often plural ) the exhibiting of actions, impulses, or behaviour that are stimulated by internal processes
I broke my streak of blogging daily, but for good reason! At about 3:30 p.m. on Friday, I pulled an expense check from my wallet that I had forgotten to put in the bank for the past two weeks. I actually FORGOT that I had about $250. Who does that? So, then I got to thinking. If we were able to live without this $250 for the past two weeks, we should do something FUN with it! So, thanks my lovely iPhone, I quickly searched for ideas on the internet. My husband and I were talking recently about how we had never been to Niagara Falls together, let alone in our teenage or adult lives! We don't live too far from the falls, it's about a 3 hour drive, so I searched hotel prices and I found a great deal. I held my breath and booked it! So, it's 3:45 p.m. and I just realize, oh wow... we are going in to Canada tonight! I have a million things to do right after work, including, telling my husband the great surprise!
So, on my way home, I make arrangements for our dog for the night and call up my husband to tell him to get home quick for a surprise. He kept asking for hints, so finally I told him that we were going somewhere tonight and to pack his clothes as soon as he got home! He then started guessing... "Cleveland... Pittsburgh.... Niagara Falls?" Well... I was so excited so I told him right then and there. I could tell from the sound of his voice that he was very excited! So, we were packed up within the hour and on the road for Niagara Falls! The whole trip probably cost us $50 of our own money! It was a great spontaneous vacation that we will never forget!
I believe that it was definitely worth breaking my blogging streak for some much needed R&R before my neurologist appointment on Tuesday. I'm not too worried about all of the calories that I consumed this weekend either because this spontaneous vacation isn't an everyday occurance and I'm refocusing myself today! I'm not expecting a weight loss by any means tomorrow, due to everything we ate this weekend, but I am expecting to have some great memories for the rest of our lives from our first trip to Niagara Falls together!
^My husband checking out our view of the falls
^A blurry view of the falls from our window
^The whirlpool which has a window that opens up to the bedroom
^The window also closed for privacy
^I thought the window was cool :)
^Free voucher for room service
^Cute hearts with our dessert
^Beautiful lighting in the enterance of the hotel
^We went on a walk and got some nice pictures
^The American side of the falls
^A little more in to town now, on a bridge
^View from our window in the morning
^My husband enjoying the view before we headed down for our free breakfast
^The outside of our hotel, curved for a good view of the falls
^It was a really nice day, only a sweater needed to walk along the falls
^The power of water is amazing, such a strong noise it made
^A view from further back
^Me, happy with our first trip to Niagara Falls together!
Thursday, April 07, 2011
"You will achieve your grand dream, a day at a time, so set goals for each day; not long and difficult projects, but chores that will take you, step by step, toward your rainbow. Write them down, if you must, but limit your list so that you won't have to drag today's undone matters into tomorrow. Remember that you cannot build your pyramid in twenty-four hours. Be patient. Never allow your day to become so cluttered that you neglect your most important goal; to do the best you can, enjoy this day, and rest satisfied with what you have accomplished." - Og Mandino
Get An Email Alert Each Time GOALOFLOSING Posts