Wednesday, October 08, 2014
Fear is an ugly part of my life. I have lived with it for such a long time, I don't know what I would do without it. That has to change in order for me to succeed.
Most of my fear is based on what I look like or what people think. Or should I say, what I THINK people are thinking. I pride myself on being quite the mind reader sometimes. I can just look at someone and somehow an entire conversation about how fat I look that day is had in a matter of moments, in a glance. HA - stupid brain of mine playing tricks on me! I need to remember that I am my own worst critic and what I perceive as a "mean" look could be so many things. Maybe that person is having a bad day, maybe the sun was in their eyes, maybe they are gassy - who knows. Point is, I don't. So...what is my action plan?
First, I need to take a mental step back and remember the paragraph above. Maybe I could do a few breathing exercises, or count backwards from 10. Next, I have been trying to put myself in situations that make me uncomfortable. Situations like eating lunch by myself, going to the gym, or walking on the beach by myself. I am hoping that if I put myself out there enough, it will begin to be common to me and I won't have a knee jerk reaction of anxiety/fear. Finally, I need to be kinder to myself. I need to look in the mirror every day and remind myself that I am a person of value. I AM beautiful and smart and funny. That people actually do want to be around me. Even typing that was hard for me, so I have a ways to go. But I typed it, and now I am going to post it for anyone to read.
Start of mental overhaul...check. Go me.
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
So I had an extremely difficult morning with one of my daughters. I have been working out of town A LOT (5 weeks was my last stint) and I think that every one of my daughters are dealing with it in a different manner. One of them, has gained a substantial amount of weight. This both terrifies me and makes me feel guilty! I am SO afraid that she is heading down the path that I have. I feel guilty because I haven't been home to help her. WHAT am I going to do?? She didn't fit in to any of her clothes, and had a break down about being fat. I have done the same things 100 million times. Ugh. She is so young, and deserves to be happy with herself, not worrying about what she looks like. I remember my dad talking to me when I was young, and I thought he thought I was fat. I think she is thinking I think the same thing. Any advice on how to help her without hurting her??? Please keep me in your prayers both on the job front and with my little family.
Saturday, April 13, 2013
I had my husband take some before pictures for me yesterday. I was expecting to see someone completely out of shape, but what I saw in my pictures was bad, really bad. I told my husband to pretend like he hadn't seen them and then had the realization that he has to look at that EVERY day. Cue waterworks. I had a total melt down. He gave me a hug and told me that he thought I was beautiful, but man was that a wake up call. I am very grateful to have a wonderful husband that is supportive and treats me so well. At some point when I have lost all of my weight, I will look at those pictures and be grateful that I am not there any more. For now, I will use them as motivation. Wish me luck all, because I am going to need it.
Tuesday, April 09, 2013
I was looking back through my blogs and kind of laughing to myself. It is a very poignant reminder of not only where I was at, but where I expected to be at this point in my life. As with so many on SP, I made some bad choices. I got off track. This time will be different. Right now I am looking forward - to running another 5k, to tracking all of my food, to weighing in, to making this a life change. It has been nice to get back on and see the progress that some of you have made - I am so proud. It is also nice to see that a lot of you are still here. I missed you all. Prepare to see a lot more of me in the near future. Or, I guess, a lot less.
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