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Food, ecstasy and agony

Thursday, January 23, 2014

One feature of the insanity of my addiction to food that I am recovering from is the need to be in control. I try to control my feelings with food. I try to control situations. I am highly trained in certain areas of which I am very proud of. No need to get into them. There have been many times when I felt the need to share my knowledge in an over powering way.

I exercise a lot. Unfortunately, I also eat a lot. I was discussing this with my personal trainer today. We were discussing the subject of a sense of well being that is achieved from exercise and from the consumption of food. He mentioned to me that maybe I should exercise more instead of eating and I explained to him that eating is more enticing because you don't have to work as hard to get the results. And the feelings are much more intense. So intense that while I am in the moment all my inhibitions go right out the window only to truly regret it after the damage is done. As with all other addictions. For instance, when an alcoholic drinks all they think about is that drink then when they are all hung over all they can say is they will never do it again only to go right back to it because of obsessive thoughts about it.

Addiction is the continued repetition of a behavior despite adverse consequences.

I am up to 206 pounds yet I keep eating because all I can think about is the food and the feelings I get from them when I eat them. I get a feeling of euphoria and control. There are many things in my life that are totally out of my control right now. All my life I have manipulated food. It has always been there for me. I have also subjected myself to ultimate agony because of weight issues that I have instilled on myself.

This is the insight that I have pondered on today....

And the saga continues.......

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MAMISHELI53 1/24/2014 3:45PM

    Oh, I agree with MRSCLARK - exercise can become an addiction too. Balance is very important.

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MRSCLARK 1/23/2014 6:35PM

    i relate to you about both the food/exercise thing.Right now I have some cream on my legs cause they ache from going around the track walk/jog 3 miles.I also went to the gym 1 hr today.i have a stat bike I get on every night for 1 hr as I watch tv,but I eat a lot but trying to cut down.i do better when I eat 6 times a day than 3 meals.We both need to deal with life through other things besides food.also there needs to be a balance with exercise too.that can become a addition too

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Obsession, compulsion, powerlessness and surrender

Saturday, January 18, 2014

First off, here's a positive body affirmation for the day...

"My body is unique and doesn’t need to look like everyone else’s"

I just watched a good video about the 1 step

Go here to watch it

"We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable"

First of all, notice how it says "we" not I. What this tells me that I am not alone. There are other folks out there the have the same issues that I do when it comes to an addiction with food.

WOW! That is so true! What a relief it is to know theres others out there.

Now for the word "Powerless".....Admitting that I am powerless over my addiction with food.

*It means I've been defeated by my addiction.

* It means that what I've been doing to overcome it is totally wrong. Wayyyyyy wrong.Trust me, I have been trying to overcome it in my own way for years.

* It means that my addiction is way too big for me to try and conquer it on my own.

This concept reached out and smacked me on the side of my head. DUH! When I look back I have been trying to controll my body issues doing the same things over and over again. I think I have all the answers. Everytime I fail that pushes me farther into my addiction. I have been hanging on the the addiction trying to manipulate it the way I see fit.

First of all, I have to remove the word, "Fail" out of my vocabulary. This is such a negative word. It means that I have lost and theres no way out. Diets have done this to me. They all have the same content. Don't do this, don't do that, remove this, add that, you can't do this, you can't do that, you need to do this in order to succeed, you need to do that in order to succeed. Then, if I can't succeed in comes the word, "fail". I tell myself I am a failure, I am totally defeated. I give up! This means that my addiction has won again. When all this happens to me I go right back to my old ways. Addiction flips a switch in my head telling me that it's okay because I give up. Nothing else matters. I am so tired of trying. It's exhausting to have an addiction. When I engage in my addiction there is no means to an end. It just keeps going and going.

Now for the word "Obsession....
When I'm obsessing about things I am constantly thinking about it. When I am caught up in my addiction it makes me obsess even more because I have to constantly think of things that I need to do in order to stay in the addiction. When I am caught up in my addiction I have had to be very creative in order to feed it. It's EXHAUSTING!

Now for the word Compulsion....
It means that I am compelled to do things I normally wouldn't do if I didn't have the addiction. It causes me to go against my own self preservation. It means that I am compelled to push myself into a downward spiral with no means to an end. No matter what the circumstances I am compelled to do things that are leading me into total distruction of self. My wellbeing is compromised because my addiction has become such a major entity in my life.

The word, "Surrender"
Means that I am totally powerless living with my addiction to food. It is way bigger than me. It means that I have to totally and completely get rid of my old ways and replace them with a new frame of mind. This helps me to be more confident knowing that I am looking at my addiction to food in another way instead of the ways in the past.

Soooo.....With all this said, I have definitley learned a lot today.

I have learned..
*There is hope because I am not alone
*I understand my addiction is bigger than me and I cannot overcome it on my own.
*I don't have to be a failure anymore
*There are other ways to deal with my addiction in a more constructive manor
*I have to remember that I must deal with all of this one day at a time. I can't solve it all at once.

Thanks for taking the time to read this......

Off I go with my new frame of mind..

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MRSCLARK 1/19/2014 11:32PM

    I watched the video and really liked it alot emoticon

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You mean I'm not the only odd ball?

Friday, January 17, 2014

I found this really cool free workbook about eating disorders online.

Here's where it is....

So far I have learned that I am not alone. No matter how bizarre some of my behavior patterns have been there's actually other people out there that have done the same thing.

You mean to tell me that there are actually folks out there that have done the same things? Hmmmm.... I guess that's a good thing. Actually, now that I think about it it's kind of comforting knowing that there are folks out there who are as warped and bizaare as I am. Darn it! Does this mean that there are actually people out there that stand in the kitchen pantry talking to themselves and rationalizing about the cookies that they are about ready to polish off.

Do they continuously look down at their blob of a stomach? Yup! It's still there. The same as it was about 15 minutes ago.

Step 1
We admitted we were powerless over our eating disorder that our lives had become unmanageable.

Ya think? Admitting I am powerless is actually surrendering to the fact that what I have been doing over and over and over and over again hasn't been working. I must be a slow learner. For years I have been obsessing about the same exact things. Obsessing about food, body image, weight, how many cookies I just ate, how many cookies I haven't eaten, trying to manipulate everything in my life in order to stay comfortable in my ever so bizarre eating habits. I think unmanageable is an understatement. It's more like total and absolute torture.

Okay..... now that I've admitted I am powerless what next?

More tomorrow....

And the saga continues.....

May the fairies come down and take all your worries away!!
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Just something to think about.....

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MAMISHELI53 1/18/2014 8:37AM

    Understanding the problem is the first step to solving it!

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MRSCLARK 1/17/2014 8:45PM

    I'm also a compulsive eater and Christian stuggling.Feel free to friend me.I signed up for e mail alert for your blog

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JUNEAU2010 1/17/2014 8:04PM

    Thanks for sharing!

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My name is Glinda, I'm a compulsive overeater..12 steppin' it

Friday, January 17, 2014

Last week after one of my major food binges I literally got down on my knees and begged God to help me. I was so upset, angry, disgusted, exhausted and at my wits end. Then came the "chin up" part. I told myself, "Today is a new day". I tell myself that day would be different and I would succeed. Then it starts all over again. I immediately start to obsess about food and how I think I can manipulate it to get it to do what I wanted. Of course this means to lose weight. Again, I started thinking about what to eat, what not to eat, how to eat, when to eat, how much I should exercise. Then comes the obsession about my weight. Then I add the obsession about weighing myself on the scale periodically throughout the day. As usual this lasts maybe two days tops. I will obsess so much about food, my body, weighing myself so much that I get frustrated and just give up. Low and behold it will start all over again. I do most of my eating at night. At the same time (about 7PM) I start in.Then I tell myself that I did good for the day so I can indulge. Each and every bite I obsess about the calorie content and what will do tomorrow to make up for it. While I'm bingeing nothing else matters. I savor every bite. Like the taste of a creamy chocolate bar. I can still remember how good it felt to eat it. It's instant euphoria. Short lived of course. The next day it'll start over again.

So, back to last week when I was wallowing in my sorrows because I failed yet another time I thought about Overeaters Annonymous and the 12 steps. I did alittle surfing on the internet and I came across Overeaters Annonymous. I read a few things on the website and thought I would give the 12 steps a try. I am currently on step one.

Step 1
We admitted we were powerless over food -- that our lives had become unmanageable.

Hmmm.... That pretty much explains me. It's obvious that I am utterly and completely powerless over food.

When I look back at all the times I attemped to manipulate my food intake. It isn't me that is winning it's the food. I allow it to have complete control over my life.

At first I admitted that I am powerless over food but I just couldn't let go of it. Food has always been there for me. The ultimate friend and confident. As a matter of fact this lead to a huge binge! And YADA, YADA, YADA!!!

For today I am still trying to let go of my buddy food. I am doing much better but of course it's going to take awhile for me to progress.

I have also made the decision that I would work on the Christian approach of working the 12 steps. So far I have learned so much.

And the saga continues...........

Thanks for taking the time to read this........

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NJENGEN 1/17/2014 7:23PM

    I have a friend who, when she was working on losing weight, would repeat almost like a mantra "Cookies are not my friend!" I thought of that when I read "Food... The ultimate friend and confidant." I often think that too, but I must say, it's not been a very good friend - it doesn't want what's best for me (a healthy body), it merely seduces me. So now my mantra needs to become "Chocolate is not my friend!"

Best of luck to you - hope the 12 steps work well for you! emoticon emoticon

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MAMISHELI53 1/17/2014 5:53PM

    It's good to see you posting again. A support group is good. May I also recommend another Bible-based approach? It's on the site,, a study called The Lord's Table. It might give you some helpful insights. Meanwhile, Spark is ALWAYS a good resource. emoticon Shel

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RANAF222 1/17/2014 4:55PM


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Coming Clean

Sunday, September 08, 2013

I have had issues with eating at night for over a year now. I do well all day long then at about 5 or 6 pm I get this little voice in my head telling me it's okay to eat because I have done well for the day. Then when I start eating I look at the calories of each servings instead of looking at the whole picture. For instance I tell myself, "It's okay to eat this because it's only 200 calories" I never look at the whole picture

What it boils down to is I am lieing to myself. It's time that I came clean. I calculated how much I ate last night and it came to 1300 calories! Thats on top of the 1200 calories I have eaten for the day. This adds up to 2500 calories a day!

Also, when I exercise I count those calories that I have burned. I tell myself it's okay to eat because I burned those calories.

I have all the right tools to succeed. I have Weight Watchers, I exercise at least 6 days a week at the gym and I walk, and of course I have Sparks.

The more I write the more I feel like a failure. How can a person actually lie to themselves like I have? emoticon

I was thinking about maybe started an accountability team and/or finding a one on one accountability partner.

Any Takers?

Thank you for reading this.

Today is a new day.

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUNSHINE192DAY 9/8/2013 2:01PM

    Good luck hun!

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