Saturday, January 18, 2014
First off, here's a positive body affirmation for the day...
"My body is unique and doesn’t need to look like everyone else’s"
I just watched a good video about the 1 step
Go here to watch it
"We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable"
First of all, notice how it says "we" not I. What this tells me that I am not alone. There are other folks out there the have the same issues that I do when it comes to an addiction with food.
WOW! That is so true! What a relief it is to know theres others out there.
Now for the word "Powerless".....Admitting that I am powerless over my addiction with food.
*It means I've been defeated by my addiction.
* It means that what I've been doing to overcome it is totally wrong. Wayyyyyy wrong.Trust me, I have been trying to overcome it in my own way for years.
* It means that my addiction is way too big for me to try and conquer it on my own.
This concept reached out and smacked me on the side of my head. DUH! When I look back I have been trying to controll my body issues doing the same things over and over again. I think I have all the answers. Everytime I fail that pushes me farther into my addiction. I have been hanging on the the addiction trying to manipulate it the way I see fit.
First of all, I have to remove the word, "Fail" out of my vocabulary. This is such a negative word. It means that I have lost and theres no way out. Diets have done this to me. They all have the same content. Don't do this, don't do that, remove this, add that, you can't do this, you can't do that, you need to do this in order to succeed, you need to do that in order to succeed. Then, if I can't succeed in comes the word, "fail". I tell myself I am a failure, I am totally defeated. I give up! This means that my addiction has won again. When all this happens to me I go right back to my old ways. Addiction flips a switch in my head telling me that it's okay because I give up. Nothing else matters. I am so tired of trying. It's exhausting to have an addiction. When I engage in my addiction there is no means to an end. It just keeps going and going.
Now for the word "Obsession....
When I'm obsessing about things I am constantly thinking about it. When I am caught up in my addiction it makes me obsess even more because I have to constantly think of things that I need to do in order to stay in the addiction. When I am caught up in my addiction I have had to be very creative in order to feed it. It's EXHAUSTING!
Now for the word Compulsion....
It means that I am compelled to do things I normally wouldn't do if I didn't have the addiction. It causes me to go against my own self preservation. It means that I am compelled to push myself into a downward spiral with no means to an end. No matter what the circumstances I am compelled to do things that are leading me into total distruction of self. My wellbeing is compromised because my addiction has become such a major entity in my life.
The word, "Surrender"
Means that I am totally powerless living with my addiction to food. It is way bigger than me. It means that I have to totally and completely get rid of my old ways and replace them with a new frame of mind. This helps me to be more confident knowing that I am looking at my addiction to food in another way instead of the ways in the past.
Soooo.....With all this said, I have definitley learned a lot today.
I have learned..
*There is hope because I am not alone
*I understand my addiction is bigger than me and I cannot overcome it on my own.
*I don't have to be a failure anymore
*There are other ways to deal with my addiction in a more constructive manor
*I have to remember that I must deal with all of this one day at a time. I can't solve it all at once.
Thanks for taking the time to read this......
Off I go with my new frame of mind..
Friday, January 17, 2014
Last week after one of my major food binges I literally got down on my knees and begged God to help me. I was so upset, angry, disgusted, exhausted and at my wits end. Then came the "chin up" part. I told myself, "Today is a new day". I tell myself that day would be different and I would succeed. Then it starts all over again. I immediately start to obsess about food and how I think I can manipulate it to get it to do what I wanted. Of course this means to lose weight. Again, I started thinking about what to eat, what not to eat, how to eat, when to eat, how much I should exercise. Then comes the obsession about my weight. Then I add the obsession about weighing myself on the scale periodically throughout the day. As usual this lasts maybe two days tops. I will obsess so much about food, my body, weighing myself so much that I get frustrated and just give up. Low and behold it will start all over again. I do most of my eating at night. At the same time (about 7PM) I start in.Then I tell myself that I did good for the day so I can indulge. Each and every bite I obsess about the calorie content and what will do tomorrow to make up for it. While I'm bingeing nothing else matters. I savor every bite. Like the taste of a creamy chocolate bar. I can still remember how good it felt to eat it. It's instant euphoria. Short lived of course. The next day it'll start over again.
So, back to last week when I was wallowing in my sorrows because I failed yet another time I thought about Overeaters Annonymous and the 12 steps. I did alittle surfing on the internet and I came across Overeaters Annonymous. I read a few things on the website and thought I would give the 12 steps a try. I am currently on step one.
We admitted we were powerless over food -- that our lives had become unmanageable.
Hmmm.... That pretty much explains me. It's obvious that I am utterly and completely powerless over food.
When I look back at all the times I attemped to manipulate my food intake. It isn't me that is winning it's the food. I allow it to have complete control over my life.
At first I admitted that I am powerless over food but I just couldn't let go of it. Food has always been there for me. The ultimate friend and confident. As a matter of fact this lead to a huge binge! And YADA, YADA, YADA!!!
For today I am still trying to let go of my buddy food. I am doing much better but of course it's going to take awhile for me to progress.
I have also made the decision that I would work on the Christian approach of working the 12 steps. So far I have learned so much.
And the saga continues...........
Thanks for taking the time to read this........
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