Wednesday, March 27, 2013
So again, another Spark blogger has inspired some thinking. For a while now I've been pestered by a nagging self doubt: is pursuing a healthier lifestyle really just a disdain for who I am now?
Let me clarify, I like who I am. I love my life. I never hold off on pursuing dreams until I've reached a goal weight, if it's worth doing, it's worth doing NOW. BUT, I often feel judged. Whether it's real or just in my head as I suspect it sometimes is, people think less of me for being heavy (277 lbs) and I resent them bitterly for it.
I've tried to imagine what they think of me: "she must drink a LOT of beer to be that size", "guess she eats a LOT of potato chips in front of the tv", "her house must be a sty", "maybe if she cooked once in a while" - the list really is endless.
Then I think of my defense: I rarely drink anything other than water, ;milk, and 1 diet coke a day. I add bran to my cereal! We have chip night once a week! My house isn 't Martha Stewart perfect but it's liveable and I cook at least 5 nights a week, if not 6 and sometimes even 7.
It recently occurred to me that this game is holding me back. (It was a "duh!" moment) For one, people are not likely judging me as harshly as I am judging myself. That's just it, I'm projecting the self doubt I have. This game is preventing me from taking a honest and encompassing look at my lifestyle and from making real changes. I grew up in a highly critical family and community, and yes my weight was the topic of much criticism, I come by these suspicions honestly! It's just that now is the time to confront the voices in my head, to replace them with a new mantra founded in the present.
I'm learning to accept myself NOW, in the PAST, and in the FUTURE. Pursuing a healthier lifestyle isn't self-betrayal, it isn't "giving in" to those voices (real or imagined). I admit I am still working on the notion, but I am learning self acceptance. I am replacing those voices in my head.
Friday, March 08, 2013
So I've been "doing" SparkPeople for a couple of weeks now and the scale is not budging. At all. Actually, it is - it goes down 2 pounds, then back up two pounds. In two weeks, I think I've lost less than a pound. It's frustrating. It's tempting to just give up.
Well, not really. Because the only thing more depressing than being at this (lack of) fitness level would be not working towards a higher fitness level. After reading Pixielicous's blog today about loving yourself, I have new perspective.
A) I always, ALWAYS, emphasize to my kids it's not about thinness, it's about health. Yes, a healthy weight is a part of physical fitness, but eating healthily and consistent exercise are greater indicators of health.
B) I'm going to use this opportunity to re-evaluate my efforts. Am I exercising effectively? Drinking enough water? Snacking more than I'm admitting too? Sleep? Yeah, always need more sleep, no need for too much introspection there.
I feel good when I make healthy choices, like exercising and eating healthy foods. So if the scale really is about my weight and not my worth, maybe I need to just take it for what it is - just ONE of the tools I use to measure my fitness.
Saturday, February 23, 2013
My son asked me about Spark Points the other day, he didn't understand why I would care if they didn't lead to some material gain - for him that would mean a new Lego set or maybe a video game. I had really never thought about Spark Points with any determination, but as I explained it to him it occured to me that:
Spark Points are important b/c they are a way to measure healthy choices. Tracking food, drinking water, exercising have all been proven to contribute to increased fitness. However, reading articles on fitness and nutrition, listening to a radio show, etc. also support a healthy lifestyle by increasing my awareness. Information is power! My favourite SP feature is that it gives us the information to help us achieve our goals and the tools for measuring our progress: it becomes cyclical as each positively impacts the other.
What I didn't share with my son is the strange smugness I feel when I reach a new level or achieve a trophy ;)
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
I recently attended my son's football banquet where CFL player Henoch Muamba spoke to the players about success and how to get there. Henoch told them about the 3 C's - consistency, courage, and confidence.
Consistency has stuck with me - I have had an epiphany of sorts. My weight loss journey has been inconsistent and as a result I have put forth a great deal of effort (cumulatively) with very little progress. If you've been here it's a horrible place, it's hard trudging and it's difficult to get traction. As Dr. Seuss would say, "unsticking yourself is not easily done".
Although it's painful to know I'm not where I thought I'd be at this date and time, the point is to look forward. to commit to the path and stay the course - CONSISTENCY!!!! What is motivating me right now is the realization of how much I'm missing out on and worse, my kids are missing out because I'm just plain too fat and out of shape to do the things I want to. My inconsistency is holding me back from being the person I aspire to be. I am so grateful for SparkPeople, not because I've experienced a great weight loss, I haven't and it's completely my own "not"doing. I am grateful for SparkPeople because it is here, I can come back to it and each time I do, I am learning and getting stronger in my knowledge and habits.
I say with renewed vigour - I will stay the course!!!!!! I will maintain the activities that keep me focused on a healthy life style and if I mess up, I will get back on track.
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