Tuesday, July 19, 2011
(warning - this is a sorta TMI blog)
i've been really out of it and lacking motivation to work at my weight loss in the last couple months. most of the time, i'm still thinking about making healthy choices as far as food, but i haven't been counting my calories and i've definitely overdone it with junk food several times. i think the biggest thing holding me back right now is that i don't have any desire to go outside and do things. i try to convince myself, but i just don't get anywhere. i just feel so lazy! i really don't want to do ANYTHING most days and it bugs the heck out of me.
i think the problem might be that i've quit taking my antidepressant. i realize this maybe doesn't sound like an awesome plan, but hear me out: i was on the lowest dose prescribed, i forgot to take it half the time anyway (so i effectively was on half of the lowest prescribed dose), and the thing that actually made me decide to quit taking it - reports of it causing birth defects when taken by pregnant women. that may sound like a "well duh" but when i started taking it, i was under the impression that the only significant risk in pregnancy with this drug was a slightly increased risk of miscarriage. maybe it sounds bad, but i'd rather have a miscarriage than have a child that has a significant birth defect that will directly affect their quality of life or expected lifespan.
i'm not pregnant yet, but my husband and i have been married for eight years now and have used birth control off and on, but overall have probably had at least five years worth of unprotected sex under our belt without getting pregnant. i'm sure my weight is a big piece of why we haven't gotten pregnant since i have an irregular cycle and most info points to my weight keeping me from ovulating at regular intervals. the other likely contributing factor is irregular sex patterns. by that i mean my husband has low testosterone, which doesn't directly cause fertility problems, but it does cause a lowered sex drive and a lack of energy. we might have sex every two or three days (what i would consider fairly normal, and a reasonable pattern for ttc), or we might go a month in between, especially if he's feeling stressed about school or work. it's very frustrating all around.
sometimes i blame him for us not having a child yet because if he doesn't feel like sex, he will refuse every advance i make up to and including getting mad and flat out ignoring me. even if i tell him i think i may be ovulating based on my fertility signs. but i have no proof that it would have happened even if we were consistently having sex every two or three days because no doctor i've been to has been willing to do any testing to really see, definitively, whether or not i ovulate. they've suggested i take clomid, but i don't see the point in taking it when there's a good chance my husband won't feel like sex during the days leading up to ovulation. the blood tests i've had done always come back normal and the doctors i've seen say they think i likely ovulate most (if not every) cycle, just not every 4 to 5 weeks like most women seem to.
we've had the "are you maybe just not really ready to try for a baby?" discussions and i've gone back on the pill once and offered to use condoms and all those things. nothing has made a difference and he insists that he'd be ecstatic about having a baby ASAP. but i always feel like he isn't willing to hold up his end of the deal to make it happen.
i guess i need to commit myself to getting healthy in case it happens and try to not worry about making it happen. but anyone who's ever spent any length of time trying to get pregnant knows that's WAY easier said than done.