Saturday, April 19, 2014
Good evening Sparkpeoples!
First of all, it has been WAY too long! I apologize for dropping off the face of the earth, I kind of just got to this weird point that I just couldn't handle it anymore, any of it, all of it, everything. I am now sitting at about 290lbs (as of last weigh in), this is the heaviest that I have ever been and honestly I am ashamed that I let myself get to this point, but that is irrelevant.
My health has been a roller coaster ride from hell, but I am still alive thus far, so there's that.
I turned 26 this past February and lost my insurance, found myself still poor and unable to work, so I have begun the tedious and nerve wracking process of applying for disability.
I was a full time Nanny for my youngest nephew (who is now almost 11 months old! ACK! They grow so fast!) for about 8 and a half months, I honestly loved it. However, when I lost insurance I could no longer afford the only medications that were even moderately helping, my health tanked rapidly, so I recently had to give up caring for him.
Yeah, so heart ripped out, kicked around, and stomped into the dirt. Sigh. I miss my little monkey.
Thus I find myself here, right here, standing at the edge of the field, ready to get back into the game. I need to lose weight so desperately it really isn't even funny. For instance, I look forward to being able to tie my shoes comfortably again and wear 3/4 of what I have in my closet, I have missed that.
I started by exercising yesterday, nothing crazy, nothing strenuous, just enough to remind myself that I have missed working out. I continued by exercising again today, still light, still simple, but a good start none the less. My struggle is still what it has always been, I just cannot seem to get my head out of the "I need to eat my body weight in all of that" space. I have set up for counting calories again (not with SP, sorry, easier for me to keep it on paper) and I have been trying to make little good decisions. Trying to trust the process and remember that little things matter too.
I am looking forwards to returning to the SP world and all of the people who have been a sounding board and support system in the past. So here I am, back in the game, more nervous than I have probably ever been, more determined too.
Let's do this!
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Weighed myself, saw that number: 242. Not a huge surprise actually, because I have been gaining and getting closer and closer. My highest weight ever was 248 and I promised myself that I would never go back to this place. Yet here I am, standing right at the edge.
I feel ugly. I feel unhealthy. I feel fat. I feel worthless.
How could I let this happen? With everything else that I have going on, I do not need to be worrying about my fat making everything worse. Yet here I am, stuffing my face with junk food and watching the pounds pile on. Now I am on a med that might make it exceptionally hard to lose weight. Why did I wait? Why did I do this to myself? I hate this. I hate this so much.
I feel so discouraged.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Well friends, I have been pretty absent lately, but it was a necessary absence. A time to go through some things, sort some things out, and adjust my focus.
It looks like I am not going to be able to make it my friends wedding in August, I am VERY sad to miss it. But the truth is that I really just don't have the financial ability and add to that the physical stress and it just isn't going to happen. One of those bitter moments, when you just have to accept that the answer is no.
My nephew was born on June 4th, he is chubby, active, healthy, and happy. I absolutely adore him already and I cannot wait to spend more time with him. This will be my second nephew and I have come to realize that I really do love being an aunt.
I had surgery again the end of May, a laparoscopy to see what is happening in my pelvis, they found endometriosis. Don't know very much yet, see my doc tomorrow morning for post op visit and to make decisions. Exhausting process.
On the subject of my health, I have made a rather substantial change in the last couple of months, a change of focus. I have decided that since the standard medical world has failed me in most areas and I am going to be living with these diseases anyway, I need to help myself in every way that I can. My new focus is all about health. Yes, I still want to lose weight and losing weight is going to be part of this, but it is not the goal anymore. Through the most natural means possible I want to become as healthy as I can. Exercise, diet, supplements, physical therapy, spiritual growth (Jesus is my rock!), etc. No, I am not becoming some fanatic, I just want to start taking some control back, instead of laying down and giving up, this is how I can be defiant in the face of disease.
My hope is to get off certain of my medication (we will see) and ultimately achieve a better quality of life without procedures and drugs. Do not get me wrong, those things have their place, they are an important part of our lives and I am thankful for our many medical advances. To be honest, I am just really tired. I am tired of the poking and prodding, tired of the procedures, the exams, the medication, the side effects, the doctor visits, everything. I am just tired. I need a break. I need some time to focus on things that are not centered around being sick. I need some time to find my footing again, to find myself again.
So that is where I am. Relearning to lean on my Savior, to stand up, to move forward.
Life is long and I look forward to journeys end, but until then I keep walking.
Saturday, April 20, 2013
It has been a really wild month. After some rather invasive medical tests, I ended up going into a severe flare, which I am still battling (yes, for the entire month). I have more medical stuff coming up, but for once I got some really wonderful news.
One of my dearest friends wrote to me and asked if I would want to be in her wedding party in August. I am so excited to be able to be by her side when she marries the man she loves! Though, of course, the second thing to pop into my head right after my excitement is "oh no, I have to wear a dress." I also have not exactly been great with my eating and this flare has almost completely wiped out my ability to exercise. All factors combined I have managed to gain almost six pounds back, though I am guessing part of that is water weight. I have 3 months and 2 weeks before the wedding and I have to be down at least 20lbs by then, in order to fit into my dress. I know that I can lose at least that much and plenty of inches, it is just a matter of gaining momentum, getting my eating under control, and figuring out how to exercise with this flare.
I am trying to push out of my mind the idea that I might not be able to go. Honestly, I recognize that this disease is going to be with me the rest of my life and sometimes when I really want to do things I am going to have to battle through the pain, etc. The problem is going to be convincing everyone else that I can handle it. Ha! Life. Ya know.
I need to do some more updating, but right now I am having trouble putting together coherent thoughts. So I am off to watch Netflix, before I sleep the night away!
Have a great weekend everyone!
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Today became my official weigh in, progress picture, and measure in day! I am so excited by my results. These come from two weeks of the January Jumpstart in January, then time off for surgery in which I tried not to go overboard with food, and then four more weeks of January Jumpstart, plus almost one week of regular workouts (as the end of JJ landed on my TOM).
Okay! Now with the fun stuff!!
Starting Weight: 228.2
Ending Weight: 217.8
Weight Lost: 10.4lbs (WOO!)
I also managed to lose 7.25" all over, only gaining 0.5" in my hips, which I am actually really proud of, because I have always had a really flat hiney (just being honest here people), but thanks to strength training every other day (do them squats!!) and lots of walking, biking, and turbo jam, my rear is actually beginning to take shape! HOORAY!!!
I would post before and after shots, but at the moment I am still feeling a little too shy. Though I will say that my favorite realization from comparing my before and after is that my waist is becoming so much more defined! My body is beginning to actually look like the hourglass that it is!
This was exactly the motivation that I needed to keep going! I am so excited! Now if you will excuse me, I am off to workout!
Have a fantastic day everyone!
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