GINGERRA1980   18,366
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I let myself go

Wednesday, December 03, 2014

It's been a year since I last blogged a single moment in my life. In one year I lost things that had nothing to do with my weight. I lost friendships due to lack of understanding on their part. Lost self respect. Lost motivation. Lost self love. Lost my vision (goals). Lost my patience. My financial stability. Over worked, extra tired. All the while not seeing I was gaining weight because of all these stresses. Now here is the crazy part of this whole thing. I also gained perspective. I was down, depressed, hurt, my soul ached! Yet it made me look inside myself and try and understand myself. Something I never did on this journey while I was on it. I thought I was giving it 100% of myself. Nope! I was not listening to my soul. So focused on my outside and not realizing that's just the surface of my issues. These people who hurt and damaged me gave me strength in the weirdest way! I started to look inside myself asking why in the world do I have the same lousy friends and relationships with people. These things brought me to reading books I would've never read. Got me meditating. Had my soul searching for a greater purpose. Focusing on the fact that cryin and self pity isn't the way to solve anything. And of course realizing no one but myself is going to lift me up out the hell I had myself in. I am in a different place mentally than I was a year ago. It's crazy how sensitive I was then. Now I'm like hmm whatever! It's not my issue to resolve nor my place to care why that person is being that way with me. I wasted so much energy making others happy and apologizing for things that I am like! Wait why am I apologizing because you are incapable of stepping outside of yourself and putting my shoes on? Nope sorry! I have learned to say how I feel right away. I have learned to enjoy things I never did. I also see where I dropped the ball. Right now I am so focused on my financial issues which is just fine with me. I use to spend damn near most of my day worried about another person that shouldn't be worried about. Now my focus is being put back where it belongs. My daughter! Once I get back on my feet moniteraly everything else is a cake walk. Why? Cause next in line to really worry about is having fun with her! Screw anyone else! Now it's time for balance. Time to find peace with this body. I swear the only problem in my mind right now is money and this body! Nothing else is such a huge problem I can not tackle and even the money isn't such an issue cause I know I'm working towards being debt free! I am tired but not that tired of my body because I haven't gotten back into a routine. Yet daily steps are still taken to watch what I eat and workout even if it's 10 minutes. Yes I would love for it to be consistent like it once was. But I am not an athlete anymore like I once was! So I must do baby steps like when I first started. I now weigh 250. I used to be 232. But a very toned 232! Who's to blame? Of course me! I own that stuff right there! Oh don't be hard on yourself I hear. Uhm, that whole not being hard on myself got me here in the damn first place! My clothes are tighter cause Ginger didn't think it was a big deal skipping lunch or not getting up and doing anything even if she was tired. She thought that cake wasn't a big deal or how her bra was poking her sides now even more. Or how her skin was looking aged. Or how lack of energy was cause she didn't have coffee! Oh well Ginger it's ok, no big deal! Angry face! Yes it is I gave up! Now I'm sorta where I started. I am tired of the pattern. Now that I seen a pattern in my personal relationships. I see a pattern in my weight issues. First off no one in their right mind is gonna think I'm truthful if I say one thing and do another. I'm claiming I'm honest and I'm not even honest with the words that I spit. "I'm tired of my body". No I'm not cause if I was I would be done or closer to my goals. So how can anyone believe a single thing that comes out my mouth. Think about it. Secretly that friend or sibling doesn't believe a single effing word you are saying cause you never follow through with your own personal stuff. So here you are swearing you're the best friend or hard worker and in the end you can't even do for you! So how you gonna make promises for them? They are not gonna tell you the truth, seriously they won't. They love you is why. So they will nod their head like okay sure! And unless they really want to fight YOUR fight no one is gonna say a thing. I am not making a promise to myself, nope! Cause I only hurt me. And sadly those who are considered "haters" love you failing. They cheer when you make a promise publicly and fail at it. No way! I'm good! I will keep my thoughts and goals to myself. Now when you see me in a good state of mind, when you see my body at its peak, when you see me smiling for no damn reason, know you had nothing to do with this process. Know that I didn't need your approval to start or finish. Know that I became a better version of me, whole heartedly!


I need to blame myself....

Monday, December 02, 2013

i wont be writing this perfectly because i suppose i am in no mood to be perfect.... i have had some hard lessons in my life and have blamed so many for that pain... but i am seeing now that i can not control people and what they feel inside or how they react to their own pain. i have caused pain to others because i am hurt. what is nuts to me right now is that i always apologize for those hurtful moments i have caused...then i see i am the only one apologizing. how many sorry's are needed from me for people to humble themselves to think wow she sure does apologize to me a lot...and not think... that's right she's apologizing a lot cause she is the one wrong!

my mom has this saying ...if you lower yourself anymore for a person you can start to see your panties... i see now its true! i am too concerned for others feelings way too much actually. i have forgotten what its like to have a real family member or friend. that has lead me on this path of eating my way fat or hating myself cause i think i am the problem. yet i see that i maybe wrong here and there but i am not wrong all the time. i am tired of making others more important than me, of course with respect to my daughter...i shouldnt make others more special than me. i shouldnt seek others as my support system because in the end i suffer when times are tough. i am always concerned if i am talking too negative about my life... always worried about if i am bothering others about my life... i am always wondering if i am annoying others... or if i say the wrong things...if i am too needy.. too anything at all and not concerned of what i want and need.

sharing your life with people is a privilege folks! no one needs anyone other person! we want you in our lives because we saw a beauty in you beyond what others saw. we trusted in you to be in our circle and when you start to think that person is too down to be in your circle anymore because you are going through something...remember who was your cheerleader...remember who was truly on your side... remember if you are going through pain no one is a mind reader and dont assume they are selfish cause they never asked you about you first...or because you never opened your mouth in the first place...or because you tend to keep your life some what a secret...or tell half the truth about yourself...or expect people to be a best friend or amazing girlfriend/boyfriend husband/wife if you arent willing to let go and be exposed cause of your own private pain.

if its that private dont be so upset that people are there for you or that people suck or are negative or that people always hurt you and dont understand you and your needs. being condescending, arrogant, a martyr doesnt make you cool at all! in fact it makes people not want to ask you how you are doing because they think you are ok all the time even if you arent. pretending nothing is wrong is the wrong way to keep life make life a facade. does it mean to always have problems? nooooo!!! it means your human! if you ever have a friend that their life is in the dumps and you cant believe no way in the world that this person doesnt have something good to talk about and their life seems pathetic... think about that for a moment and see who in the world wants to live in that misery NO ONE DOES... they just cant figure it out right now! but dont give up on them. HOPE is all we have left and to ruin that...well then what is left.

HOPE is the reason we are in this journey in the first freaking place...because we HOPE we can change our lives in a positive way...because we HOPE we can change others in a positive way no matter if they seem hopeless...HOPE to be 100% happy and healthy... HOPE to be done with all that hurts and to inspire the world!

dont push that person to the side and end it cause you cant handle things. then maybe you really arent that strong in the first place. because the answer isnt give up on that friend or that wife or that family member...the answer is give them space support them from a distance and always remind them you love them no matter what. let them fall from far but dont give up on them. cause then what the hell is the purpose? how easy is it really to just start over? not so very easy at all!! look at this weight loss as an many times have you started over and thought why did i do this to myself?!

when it comes to relationships and its crappy as hell and you are being hurt really hurt then i can see you leaving... though it takes two people to ruin something...think about things... that person wasnt always so nasty to you...

with that being said i am now going to be accountable for myself by myself cause i feel at this moment i am very disappointed in friendship, family and my boyfriend... counting on others to push me or love me was the worst thing i have ever done to myself. it seemed like a great idea at first but then i started to lean on them so much that i feel they forgot to share back and started to look at me in a different light their "goal" of what not to be...they started to see me as pathetic...sad...unhappy...sick...psycho..
.disposable...complaining... instead of the girl that cares for them..loves them and took care of them when they were down....their cheerleader even if she isnt happy! the end they were becoming stronger/judgmental by listening to my pain forgetting thats not what the purpose of opening up is about....its about being their cheerleader even if crap has hit the fan!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RELISA4HEALTH 1/28/2014 12:07PM

    Dear Ginger, I can understand many of the thoughts and cares you have shared on this blog. I can relate to being hurt deeply. You are right it is hard to find good friends, people who will stick with you through thick and fin. People who will listen without judging. People who will openly share when they too are hurting, disillusioned and in pain.
I am glad you shared your heart with us.
Please know that I am here for you. You did such a wonderful job when you took on a leadership position. I know you inspired me to get moving.
There is a time to step back and just do you. I remember doing this years ago. I just wanted to be Relisa. I did not want to be known for what my title was, but I wanted to be known as a person, as a young woman who had cares and concerns. A young woman who wanted to feel belonging, like many young women do.
I pray that God bless you today. That he encourage your heart. That he bring healing to the area where you have been hurt.
Your friend In Christ,

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SURVIVOR61 1/26/2014 6:34PM

    Ginger true friends are hard to find and when you find them hang on for dear life. Friends do not put conditions on the relationship, they accept you for who you are faults and all. For we all have fallen short of the glory of God and none are perfect but one. And His name is Jesus. First sweetie accept yourself just as you are and then accept your boyfriend as he is. Then work on your relationship with God for their is only one and I promise you things will start coming together. And again please come back to the team when you are ready. I really did like your innovative ideas on exercise. Keep up the blogging it is a great way to work on issues. I wish that I did it more often.
Love always your sister in Christ
Jill emoticon

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    So sorry to hear of all the emotional pain, yet I am glad you are blogging for I am still here for you.
True friends do not leave.

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GODSCHILDAMYB 12/13/2013 12:23PM

    Hey baby girl, I thought you had practically left Spark. I haven't really seen anything from you. You haven't said hi or anything so I really thought you wasn't even doing anything here anymore. I had gone to your page today to give you a little encouragement and glimpsed over and saw this latest blog. I thought I had read them all. I am sorry that you are still hurting emotionally. I am still here for you hon. I haven't left, I just have been waiting for you. That is another thing that a true friend does, they allow space when they believe it is needed. You still my bestie?
I love you dearly Ginger, any time you need to talk, please do not hesitate! emoticon emoticon

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IGNITEME101 12/3/2013 11:54AM

    Ginger, was she really planning a funeral? I think I read that right?
Death isn't something we deal with on a day in day out basis. It has caused me to close down for days in the past. Then when I felt safe enough to cry, I couldn't stop! Some have affairs, yell, scream, hurt people they love!! I have watched this over and over again, in life.

If that is true and she was planning a funeral, maybe ? there is hope for the friendship, after all. In time, that is.

If there is no hope at all, then maybe you weren't really friends! emoticon

Forgiving her, really forgiving her for not being able to share her pain with her at that moment and her making a step to forget will take time. You asked her to forgive you, right? You have done all you can do. Let it go, give her to GOD and the pain, too. emoticon
Ask Him to step into the friendship and bring peace where there is none. emoticon

If she feels she didn't do anything wrong, then you must decide if that is ok with you. emoticon
Is what she spoke TRUE? If so you have done right to apologize.
A true apology doesn't look for a 'I'm sorry, too'
When I apologize it's because I see how I hurt Jesus in the other person.

That is all I'm held accountable for. The persons response to me is actually NONE OF MY BUSINESS as long as I am right with GOD.

Then I pray!

I admire you, ye old spicy one! I understand your pain.... emoticon

makes my heart hurt with yours.

I emoticon you!

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GRANDY-N-TN 12/3/2013 10:10AM

    Ginger, sweetie, you are not responsible for what the others thinks, say or do. You be yourself. Let me say this to you. This is a statement that my late Aunt Grace used to say to me. "You are not responsible for the actions of others, darlin', you are only responsible for your reactions." Be your kind, loving self. If your kindness is not returned, don't take that upon yourself. Be a good listener when they come to you. But, don't blame yourself, if that kindness is not returned. It is not your fault. I agree with DARJR50, blame is a worthless habit. God bless your day. Judi emoticon

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HANNAHSGRAMMIE 12/2/2013 10:39PM

    Ginger, you are certainly not selfish. You truly care about others. I appreciate and admire your openness. Some people (like me) are not that open. It doesn't mean you don't want to be a friend. I'd just prefer be the listener, and I feel privileged when someone trusts me enough to talk to me or vent to me. But, we do all need someone to talk to (even me). For real friends, it's not a bother to listen to each other, it's an honor. There may be a reason your friend didn't open up to you. When Kent was serving on staff at a church, I had to be really careful who I talked with. People expect a pastor to be perfect (they are far from it!) and I didn't want gossip to get out all over. That doesn't mean that I didn't trust some of my friends. But, with certain issues, I just couldn't talk to them. Maybe your friend is in a situation like that. It also depends on how a person was raised. Men, especially, are good for not opening up. Try not to take it personally. You're a good friend, and I've really missed you.


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SEVERINA418 12/2/2013 6:16PM


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GINGERRA1980 12/2/2013 3:14PM

    thank you so very much! i am not saying no but i am saying maybe in time i can be able to come to you when i need to :)

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A_SIZE6 12/2/2013 3:10PM

    your are right in what you say. friends open up to one another. will be honest share what is wrong. it seems to me that your making all the effort to be a friend to her but on her end she isn't doing anything. your not selfish or using her. you were trying to be there to help her. a person who is selfish is someone who is about ME, myself and I. doesn't care about anyone else. that doesn't describe you by any means. definitely not a friend a real friend will not set you up to fail. she will be honest and tell you what is wrong. for me I relate have had to really think about who my real friends are. I've come to the realization I have 1 of them. the rest treat me like a gum off the floor. I think we are a lot alike in the fact we both really care about people want to be there for them. yet we both seem to get the short end of the stick. maybe we can help one another. I will be glad to be a friend to you:)

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GINGERRA1980 12/2/2013 3:01PM

    thank you so very much someone who understands what i mean...i care so much about a person that i want them to open up and trust that i am there for them...but if in 4 years i really dont know whats wrong or how to tell whats wrong then i guess your all closed up...especially if you tell me they dont need to and they can solve their problems on their own with out putting any emotions on me..yet i was blamed for being selfish and using them...hurt real bad to think that all i was doing was random venting really nothing bad was meant by it...and it was followed by me being self centered...mind you i did ask her what was wrong cause she seemed off and i said i hope i am not bothering you or making you annoyed or irritated and still she never once opened her mouth that she was planning a funeral at all.. so in a way i was set up t fail in my eyes...and thats not a friend..

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A_SIZE6 12/2/2013 2:49PM

    part of being a bestfriend is being there for the person to help them. when we have a problem. a real friend will listen. be there, sometimes we need to unload on someone to release the things we feel inside. perhaps journaling is a tool for you to unload make the journal your best friend too. that way you can unload everything and feel some relief. I myself care about people so I don't mind if you ever need to unload ginger you can on me. I may not have the answer but I will be there to listen

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GINGERRA1980 12/2/2013 2:11PM

    i understand your point...though i unloaded on someone who claimed me as their best friend...and if i am your best friend and i unload and feel bad too cause you never tell me nothing then how was i your best friend..u feel me...but i understand what youre saying i never unload to strangers and i guess i am such an open book i dont think its wrong...i guess i am rare though mind you i do talk about good things to and try to make others talk but if they are my best friend why arent they opening up? weird

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SHKIRK 12/2/2013 2:04PM

  Maybe you unloaded on others too much. No one wants to be around a person that complains all the time. Take time and think through how you feel and self comfort before you unload on others. Maybe than you will not have sooooo much to get off your chest. Remember other feel for you but they can not feel how you feel (even if you tell them it is just word to them) If they are there to listen, do not worry about what they might be thinking. You just need them as a sounding board.If you have this worry ,talk to someone else. Do not give friendship because you expect it back on call ! You will be alright just keep working at it ! emoticon

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GINGERRA1980 12/2/2013 1:53PM

    to you its a worthless me its a reminder to not go down that path again...

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DARJR50 12/2/2013 1:50PM

  Blame is a worthless habit. Events happen for a reason even negative ones. They are all learning experiences in this human experience.

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Losing My Way

Friday, November 01, 2013

I woke up with many things on my mind many hours of hurt. And this song rang through my heart loud and clear...

Justin Timberlake: Losing my way

Can anybody out there hear me?
'Cause I can't seem to hear myself
Can anybody out there see me?
'Cause I can't seem to see myself...
There's gotta be a heaven somewhere
Can you save me from this hell?
Can anybody out there feel me?
'Cause I can't seem to feel myself

Losing my way
Keep losing my way...
Keep losing my way...
Can you help me find my way?
Losing my way
Keep losing my way
Keep losing my way...
Can you help me find my way?

This song is how I have been feeling for months now. I don't want to go into great detail about why today is hard on me or how I feel stupid and disposable, but it happened last night. I was left in a situation that made me hurt bad by the one person I keep trying to convince myself actually loves me. With the event of last night I now see I am a fool and I only have 5% of hope left for us. I feel like I am being punished for my past only because I do not understand why I would God leave me stuck in this pain for so very long. Each time hope slips away my heart feels like I am on a swing when ever I come down my heart drops and there goes my hope. I will say that I am grateful for what I do have and that is my mother and daughter. If I could give them anything it would be me happy for once. A complete me. I don't know if that will ever happen because I am given up slowly on myself and all the things I know I have the right to have in my life. I just want at this point what I need to give my daughter the best and that is where I am at. Give me what I need to make sure the love of my life, my daughter, gets 100% of the best of me!

Ginger emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IGNITEME101 11/20/2013 12:33AM

    You have gone through a lot, as of late, Ginger.

I miss you!

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RELISA4HEALTH 11/14/2013 10:25PM

    I can so relate to these feelings. I pray that God will bring comfort to you as you work out this situation in your life. I pray that God will protect your heart and wipe away the tears. I am a testimony that God does heal a broken heart and in God's time, he does give the desire of your heart.
God has not forgotten you . He is the God of all comfort and He will help you at this time in your life.

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GAILANN48 11/10/2013 7:40AM

    I hope you don't mind another "stranger" commenting, Ginger, but your words touched me...and made me remember. You were telling my story, even I think some the things you didn't say outright. That was decades ago. Some hard decisions and decisive moves were necessary, and they changed my life for the better. It sounds as if you're standing at that same crossroads now.

I think the truth is that you really don't need anyone else to help you find your way, because you already know what you need, what needs to be done. Sometimes it's just hard to let go of pain because it's familiar, and because the unknown is scarier than what we know, even when what we know is killing us. But you have all you need to change your situation and never look back. You just have to decide.

I don't know you, but God does...I'll be praying for you, Ginger.

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SRODMAN 11/8/2013 3:57PM

    No matter what you may feel, God loves you just the way you and that's a fact. I was in a dysfunctional marriage for several years. I did keep praying that God would help us for years. And I thought I was "in line" with God's will for me and my family. Years later as I became more dependent on God and believed in Him and believed Him and really sought God with all my heart, I was finally able to really see and understand what had been going on for all those years of struggle and pain. What I learned just recently is that God had been with me the whole time I was praying to Him, it was I who had "left" His side. I wanted more than ever for my marriage to work and sacrificed more than I should have as a result, God told me one day that my marriage had become my god. It wasn't Him, I had made my god something other than God Himself. That was a very difficult reality to take, but I knew He was right. As a result of this inspiration, I divorced my husband (I'm not suggesting you do the same) because I was now seeking God's will, not mine. And I know God didn't want the things that were going on in my home to occur, but I HAD to "get on board" with Him and follow Him, not go off on my own. I was acting like I knew better than God and my actions and decisions, showed this. All my decisions were one's I thought were the absolute best for me and my family. But they were all my decisions. When I started letting God "take the wheel" things went and still are MUCH better. I "once was blind, now I see"!! I had to take off the "rose colored glasses to see clearly what I needed to do. There was a reason for the pain and I think it was God bringing me to Him because I had no one else to depend on. Ironically, I'd been asking Him to bring me closer to Him all those years in prayer. He feels your pain and knows what you're capable of, with Him.

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JULIA75 11/7/2013 7:31PM

    Hi, hope you don't mind a stranger commenting on this.

I stumbled on it (the background image caught me eye, it's really good!) and two things caught me:

1 - "why would God leave me stuck in this pain for so very long" - not God. God doesn't pick your lover (or fiance, or husband?) and doesn't make your decisions. I thinking waiting for any God to solve our relationship agonies makes as much sense as waiting for one to make us slim and fit. Bad relationships are... I think going through some of them is normal. Everything else in our lives we learn, we learn it by starting out pretty clueless and making mistakes and learning from them and keeping at it. Relationships are so complex, how could we not make mistakes and be clueless about them? The only reason we expect them to be a breeze is because a zillion romance stories tell us that with the one perfect man, it'll all be bliss and roses and happiness.

2 - this sounds a bit like an echo because I spend years (!) agonizing about a relationship with someone who had his great and his driving-me-nuts sides. And writing lots and lots of blog entries! The reason to finally end it was: no communication. Nothing I said seemed to arrive, he didn't talk about what he wanted or not wanted, and nothing ever ever changed. Looking back, I should have ended it much sooner; I don't think a relationship can survive without communication.

I'm thinking maybe you could approach this like you did losing weight and getting fit? Look for advice and support to get a clearer view of the situation and yourself? Like life coaching or something like that; where I live, there are social organizations offering that for free.

whatever you do, I think it's great that you're focusing on your daughter and being there for her and listening to her. Good luck to you!

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HANNAHSGRAMMIE 11/3/2013 12:02AM

    I love what MINININJASUZUME said. Sometimes we blame God for circumstances we put ourselves into. God doesn't "zap" us or cause bad things to happen. I know that sometimes we wish He would get us out of or change our circumstances. But, sometimes we have to make those decisions ourselves. He will give you the strength to go through those trying times though.God has a unbelievable plan for your life. I'm sure all of this may be confusing to you. And, quite honestly, it may be confusing when we talk about God like we do, but I hope you will feel comfortable to ask me questions. I taught school for 30 years. Believe me, there's no dumb question--except the one that goes unasked. I will do my best to answer any questions that you might have. Meanwhile, like you, I will be praying for you. I think that you are 100 percent right to put your family (daughter and mother) in the forefront of your priorities. Your daughter is a precious treasure that you've been given.



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HEISTHEANSWER 11/2/2013 5:02PM

    Did you know that it is possible that God is wanting to give you something better than the put downs from a guy you wish would treat you respectfully and with love?
Why not just ask Him? Then wait until the answer comes. Often, when things are upset in my world, I ask God, "What are you trying to tell me"?
Best wishes, friend. Don't give up! Try to think of some positives today about yourself and your daughter. Concentrate on the good and not let the negatives weigh you down.

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MOLLIEJEAN2 11/1/2013 10:50PM

    God hasn't given up on you and neither has your family and friends. You need to turn to god for support, he will not let you down. Sending prayers and good thoughts your way. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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GODSCHILDAMYB 11/1/2013 9:41PM

    Ginger, the one lady is right, God isn't leaving you in this pain sweetheart, your just not allowing Him to guide you into a more joyful life. I love you, Amy B.

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    I too understand, trust me. My fiance and I are currently going through a situation that would NEVER have seen either of us in...and it won't be resolved for another 7 to 7 and a half years at least. :(

But the good thing is that this situation has given me time to search for and understand what's truly important. Regardless of how much something hurts or my heart hurts for what someone else is going through, I have realized that I'm no good to anyone if I don't take care of myself. My health and happiness are important, and when those I love see me healthy and happy it helps ease their stress and worry (which negatively affects their health).

If your mother and daughter are important to you and you want to be the best you can for them, then you need to take time to focus on yourself. The one who is causing you this pain is standing in the way of you being the best you can be for them. Think of knights and nobles. The knights have to keep fit and healthy in order to protect and take care of those nobles. You're the knight and your mom and daughter are the nobles. Your commitment to them should be such that you won't allow anyone or anything to get in the way of protecting them and being the best you can for them.

I don't feel that God ever creates situations to cause us pain. I think sometimes we don't see or pay attention to warning signs and as a result, we experience pain we may not have had to. If this person is causing you pain, then they are clearly not a good influence on your life. You are not obligated to stay with them. Your only real obligations are to yourself, your daughter and your mother because they are family. This other person is not necessary, but because you're allowing them to hang around you're experiencing unnecessary pain.

I know that may sound harsh and I know stepping away is easier said than done. But when I look back on most of the relationships I've been in I realize that I went through a bunch of crap with most of them for no reason. I'm not with those people and yet I'm still living, standing strong and tall and enjoying my life. You can feel the same thing. Even if you let this person go, you will continue to live and remain standing. They did not create you, and they shouldn't be able to take you apart or destroy you. Remember that...

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PURPLEPEONY 11/1/2013 3:42PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SUZIPAM1 11/1/2013 3:11PM

    i can completely sympathise with how you are feeling

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Insecurities equals Jealousy

Saturday, October 26, 2013

I want to talk about jealousy and insecurities. For one to have jealousy is a very ugly monster to carry around daily and I mean all day daily! Then mix that with insecurity forget it itís a tornado affect inside your soul. Where in the world does this feeling come from! I think I can remember when I first felt weird about myself as a child. I always wished I had a person to tell me different. I always wanted to be blonde and blue eyed. Never could embrace my brown eyes and dark hair. Crazy how now having that and a big butt is in style.

I try so hard not to feed my insecurities. Yet I canít help it. The jealousy thing is to me getting so out of hand that I canít understand it. It confuses my judgment greatly. I am becoming very unhappy beyond my own wants. It bothers me that I canít be happy with who I am enough to enjoy things. I know my boyfriend isnít the best I know he feeds into my insecurities. Yet I now I see that constantly looking for someone to secure you is very horrible and exhausting. It also makes you feel insecure about yourself being the person who always has to reassure another. It also makes you want to be a bad person because someone is always accusing you of being bad. I was like that. Why not be that person you say I am. Many years ago I cheated because I was told I had and I was fed up of being good and accused all the time. No matter how many times I proved it to this guy he kept on saying I was that way. So I did screw it to fit the role. Of course at that point that I finally did I was over the relationship anyway. I felt dumb that I went there. I was as lonely as I am in this relationship and neglected. So since I did it once I did it again and I tried so hard to let it be. Meaning no more lowering myself. I didnít want to be that person, unhappy and cheating. My dad was like this unhappy with my mother and cheated the whole time.

So I am told by him that my insecurities are getting to him. I donít want to push him to be a cheat because I hate myself for whatever reason. Then he is always alone by himself on his phone. No want on his part to spend time with me. I fear that if I continue to give him too much space things may be able to happen a lot easier. Yet when I think about it if it is going to happen it doesnít matter the space I give. He no longer believes me that I will change. I hurt because I so badly do not want to feed this jealousy monster. This insecure body and mind. I feel empty inside because I donít care for myself enough to just be secure in my relationship. Be secure within myself. Be strong to say I am worth so much.
I get told how this relationship is ruined. As if there is no hope for us. When I hear it from him, I want to give in and just let him go. Then I think to myself when I let him go and I am still this insecure being then what? When I let him go no more jealousy yet the jealousy comes from the insecurity. And it will be a vicious cycle over and over again. I will always be abused and treated like a doormat by not only a man but woman, jobs, friends, family. It is human nature for people to take advantage of another. To want to cling to another person. Like I cling to him and my daughter for that love that I so desperately want. I cling to him because I just want sweet nothings and romance. Though I forget you get those things only when you truly exude self-love. When you radiate this light nothing in the world can bring you down. I hate that I lack this brilliance. I worry so much about this void I have. I pray about it so much. When I think I have it figured out, I lose it all and feel defeated. I donít want to be this person any longer. I now a big part of this feeling is this fat suit I have. Plus the many years of abuse I have suffered. Many years of a facade I had to keep up just to let others know I am ok. But I at this age I donít have that strength anymore and I feel too old to pretend I am ok. I just want a normal life for whatever that means.

Ginger emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ASKIMOLI 12/7/2013 6:18PM

    There is nothing more liberating than being open and honest about any and everything that is an obstacle in your life. No one but you can be your biggest supporter. At the end of the day you need appreciate yourself for all that you are in order for others to appreciate you. Just know that you are not alone and having those feelings don't make you less than, letting them consume you will. So keep your head up and keep being the amazing woman and mother you have been so far.

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GODSCHILDAMYB 10/26/2013 9:56PM

    They are right Ginger. You know, I use to rely on my husband for happiness but it wasn't coming. It was when I completely handed it over to Jesus that I started to gain security and happiness. I'm not pushing you into Christianity hon, but I am going to tell you this, you can meditate on Buddha and Hindu and whatever that one thing is that you had mentioned. Ask yourself if these different believes has brought you peace. I can tell you without a shadow of doubt that Jesus surpasses any mantras and religions and meditations and whatever. It is truly your choice what you follow. But isn't something that a person follows should be satisfying? Jesus is. Completely and wholly satisfying. If you would give every bit to Him, your life, burdens, pain, insecurity, jealousy, lack of self love, and everything else that troubles you, in time you would start to feel relief. The best part is that you would finally see yourself the way God sees you and then when others say things against you, you will be able to let it slide off better. I'm not saying that it wouldn't hurt, what I am saying is that your faith in God would give you the strength to forgive and move on. Just think on these things. I love you and I want to see you happy and the only way to happiness and security is Jesus Christ. I promise you that. I would never lead you wrong baby. The most wonderful thing is that God does not force you, He allows you. Love you girl, Amy emoticon

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HANNAHSGRAMMIE 10/26/2013 3:42PM

    I'm sorry you feel insecure. Stand in front of a mirror and look deep into your own eyes. God made you and loves you just the way you are. We can all improve though. Don't you see that you deserve the best. God does want the best for you. Continue praying and getting close to God. Don't let anyone tear you down. And don't let yourself tear you down.

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PENNYPEARLS 10/26/2013 2:44PM


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MJRVIC2000 10/26/2013 2:40PM

    Take your insecurities to Jesus and give them to him. He will take them and give You a newness of life, a chance to live a life free from all these things that rob You of your life. God Bless YOU1 Vic.

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I am going to let go

Thursday, October 24, 2013

I have no clue what I feel right now. I know I am tired of feeling how I do. I am tired of clinging on to hope for my relationship. I shrug my shoulders. ĎCause there is nothing I can do and I donít want to any more. I am tired of caring about a person that never thinks about me. Who tells me that I should stop caring and sacrificing myself or things for him. I thought that was what a relationship was about? To make each other happy and go above and beyond. I have to stop trying to fit this idea in my head that what I see isnít the truth. It is right in my face! I see it and I alter the truth just to feed this dumb idea of what it should be like in my head. I donít even want to hear I love you. What about the words I care for you. Those words are to me what I want to hear and see. Caring for me means you have to show it. The word love is vague and interpreted in many ways. But care is a word that has to be expressed. To care for someone is deeper to me at this point in my life than the word love.

So now that I see clearly and I know itís because these people that are new to my life pray for me daily. I will start to let go slowly and give it to God. I am suffering and it hurts too much for me to carry this anymore. I feel I have to because itís as if I hear it clearly a voice telling me to let it go and you will be fine. Many things are about to change for me because certain routines that I have built around me will no longer exist anymore because I will listen and let go. It will all be handed over to Him.

I am so grateful for these people in my Team. Being a leader has helped me in ways you will never truly understand. I feel I have a new found reason to succeed. To do this not only for myself but because through all of the love that I receive from them daily, all the prayer they sent my way and because I have such a beautiful daughter, I need to listen to what I was told to do. For the first time in my life I feel safe and I am not scared.

Ginger emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CARMRUN 10/25/2013 12:18PM

    The Power of Prayer is priceless, with God on your side, you are sure to always shine!

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GODSCHILDAMYB 10/24/2013 9:05PM

    There you go Ginger. That's my girl. My prayers are being answered over you and I know that things are going to work better for you. For one just because you are giving it over to the Father. I am so proud of you sweetheart, and thank-you so much for being my bestie. I wish you lived here or I lived in Florida because hon I would give you such a giant bear hug. I love you girl, you are going to make it in the name of Jesus. Amy emoticon emoticon emoticon

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A_SIZE6 10/24/2013 11:40AM

    I am glad to hear this. we are praying for you daily. I've been through a lot of this myself when you blog it is like you are blogging a reflection of who I've been. I was in the exact kinds of relationships with the kinds of guys you were referring too. anytime you need to talk I'm here. I've been there and have dealt with all those feelings.

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HEISTHEANSWER 10/24/2013 8:09AM

    I agree with what Hannahsgrammie said.
Ginger, you are so precious and loved by us and yes we do pray for you daily.
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SUNNYRAYE 10/24/2013 4:33AM

    Thinking of you. You will get through this. Keep on keeping on.

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HANNAHSGRAMMIE 10/24/2013 1:48AM

    I'm glad you feel safe. I'm praying for you. You are doing a wonderful job with the team--more than I had envisioned. I couldn't do the challenges.


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