Wednesday, October 23, 2013
I had a light bulb moment a few actually. Now I don't like to talk about my spiritual side because many have taught me don't speak about religion and politics. With that being said I will break a rule today lol! I am not a religious person but I believe in many many things. Those things keep me going at times when I am down. I also try not to feed too much into things cause I don't like to feel as if I want that to be so that I feel good. In other words blind,naive, wishful etc.
So many of you know I am struggling in my relationship and I can't understand how I fell into a horrid relationship. I want to note that it sure didn't start off bad. Who in the world decides 'oh yea that guy/girl who is a total jack ass is the one for me!' Not anyone I know! Yet through out this whole thing I have been thinking why am I going through this why why why? This man was loving and wanted to always be outside always wanted to take my daughter and me to the park I mean he would even offer me food and something to drink even though he only had a single dollar in his pocket! I had to have fallen for a reason people!
After so many nights praying over and over, not understanding why things changed so drastically, after really thinking about the points in our relationship that changed certain things. A huge flash of A HA went off as I was driving in so much pain (my back gave out a couple of days ago) taking him to OpaLocka (it's about an hour or more drive with traffic without its 45 mins) I mean it really made me think wow! It was for sure a spiritual enlightenment cause really I had been praying forever for an answer.
I have been suffering in jealousy and insecurity with him for quit sometime now. It's so bad that I have even found myself telling him in our arguments, this isn't me I don't even recognize myself! As time has progressed it's become annoying to even myself why do I feel so jealous especially about his phone it's the weirdest crap! I mean the stupid stuff that flies out of my mouth during an argument literally stops me in my train of thought and I say Why in the world did you just say that?
And so that flash of A HA was what if those feelings are not really my worries? What if they aren't even my insecurities?! I can't even remember in my last few relationships being jealous and if so not this insanely! I mean shoot I have even gotten girls numbers as a joke of course for my daughters father when we were dating! My other ex lived 6 HOURS away from me! Hello! My one ex his phone would go off ringing or texts in the middle of the night and I never felt like how I do with this guy! Yes I would think what in the world but I never put too much thought into it. I have never been insecure about others takin my man or whatever. Insecure of my body yes!
What if those strong jealousy and insecurity feelings are coming from him, my boyfriend, and rubbing off on me? I have heard of people feeling others energy. I have seen it with my own eyes when two people are connected on another level feeling their pain or sensing something is wrong. I thought to myself what if I am going through this because he is feeling this bad about himself?
When that light bulb went off I started laughing in the car he looked at me like I was nuts?! Then all these other moments that I once thought was me being this way started to make more sense! For instance when I mention how I am going to lose this weight and I say how things are going to change, mind you I have mentioned this to him about 3 times or so, he flips out and says Oh so your gonna leave me huh? When you lose all if this huh? Or oh yea things are gonna change like what you're gonna do me wrong? I sit in wonder like what the hell just happened but I continue talking or arguing cause now he is mad about whatever.
Or for instance me being jealous about his phone yet every time I get a chance to stare into the screen of the phone I NEVER do! He has even put the phone in my face and I will close my eyes. I never thought about why I do that until yesterday, and it's because I am not the one who feels insecure about those things. Example when I am on my phone or laptop he will come to give me a kiss or whatever, which now I think it's more to be nosey since I am in my own world for so long not paying mind to him, and the first thing he does is look in my phone screen and the laptop screen! He does it every single time! I have pointed it out once and he laughed and said no what do I care what your doing? LIES! His eyes probably without knowing goes straight to my screen! If he sees me on Facebook and he sees my little chat window open he makes this 'umph' noise to himself. Dude really?
Last night when we were at our location a girl very pretty dainty tight dress long heels walked in. My normal reaction usually is Aahhhhh!!! Jealousy like crazy! I usually get an anxiety attack when I see girls like that around us. Again in my past NEVER! Just the normal reaction any woman will have that I like calling it 'the judging' reaction. When you analyze your opponent if you will LOL! We all do it it's a normal reaction! But again I usually am a bit over board with this guy. And yet for the very first time EVER I felt nothing! I looked at her and thought she's pretty I loved her shoes don't like the dress an her hair is a mess. Lol!! When I finished that train of thought I realized WHAAAAAT THE WHHAAATTT!!! I don't feel jealous!?! I felt like my normal self and that's when I said that's it from this day forward when I feel a feeling that I know is not mine, that I know is not my normal reaction I will say this mantra: This is not my feeling I do not feel this way I am fine!
I felt so good after seeing things in a different light yesterday and actually using it in real life not just in thought really made me see things clearly! I know it's a small step but it sure is better than nothing!!