Wednesday, December 03, 2014
It's been a year since I last blogged a single moment in my life. In one year I lost things that had nothing to do with my weight. I lost friendships due to lack of understanding on their part. Lost self respect. Lost motivation. Lost self love. Lost my vision (goals). Lost my patience. My financial stability. Over worked, extra tired. All the while not seeing I was gaining weight because of all these stresses.
Now here is the crazy part of this whole thing. I also gained perspective. I was down, depressed, hurt, my soul ached! Yet it made me look inside myself and try and understand myself. Something I never did on this journey while I was on it. I thought I was giving it 100% of myself. Nope! I was not listening to my soul. So focused on my outside and not realizing that's just the surface of my issues. These people who hurt and damaged me gave me strength in the weirdest way! I started to look inside myself asking why in the world do I have the same lousy friends and relationships with people. These things brought me to reading books I would've never read. Got me meditating. Had my soul searching for a greater purpose. Focusing on the fact that cryin and self pity isn't the way to solve anything. And of course realizing no one but myself is going to lift me up out the hell I had myself in.
I am in a different place mentally than I was a year ago. It's crazy how sensitive I was then. Now I'm like hmm whatever! It's not my issue to resolve nor my place to care why that person is being that way with me. I wasted so much energy making others happy and apologizing for things that I am like ...wtf?! Wait why am I apologizing because you are incapable of stepping outside of yourself and putting my shoes on? Nope sorry!
I have learned to say how I feel right away. I have learned to enjoy things I never did. I also see where I dropped the ball. Right now I am so focused on my financial issues which is just fine with me. I use to spend damn near most of my day worried about another person that shouldn't be worried about. Now my focus is being put back where it belongs. My daughter! Once I get back on my feet moniteraly everything else is a cake walk. Why? Cause next in line to really worry about is having fun with her! Screw anyone else!
Now it's time for balance. Time to find peace with this body. I swear the only problem in my mind right now is money and this body! Nothing else is such a huge problem I can not tackle and even the money isn't such an issue cause I know I'm working towards being debt free!
I am tired but not that tired of my body because I haven't gotten back into a routine. Yet daily steps are still taken to watch what I eat and workout even if it's 10 minutes. Yes I would love for it to be consistent like it once was. But I am not an athlete anymore like I once was! So I must do baby steps like when I first started.
I now weigh 250. I used to be 232. But a very toned 232! Who's to blame? Of course me! I own that stuff right there!
Oh don't be hard on yourself I hear. Uhm, that whole not being hard on myself got me here in the damn first place! My clothes are tighter cause Ginger didn't think it was a big deal skipping lunch or not getting up and doing anything even if she was tired. She thought that cake wasn't a big deal or how her bra was poking her sides now even more. Or how her skin was looking aged. Or how lack of energy was cause she didn't have coffee! Oh well Ginger it's ok, no big deal!
Angry face! Yes it is I gave up! Now I'm sorta where I started. I am tired of the pattern. Now that I seen a pattern in my personal relationships. I see a pattern in my weight issues. First off no one in their right mind is gonna think I'm truthful if I say one thing and do another. I'm claiming I'm honest and I'm not even honest with the words that I spit. "I'm tired of my body". No I'm not cause if I was I would be done or closer to my goals. So how can anyone believe a single thing that comes out my mouth. Think about it. Secretly that friend or sibling doesn't believe a single effing word you are saying cause you never follow through with your own personal stuff. So here you are swearing you're the best friend or hard worker and in the end you can't even do for you! So how you gonna make promises for them?
They are not gonna tell you the truth, seriously they won't. They love you is why. So they will nod their head like okay sure! And unless they really want to fight YOUR fight no one is gonna say a thing.
I am not making a promise to myself, nope! Cause I only hurt me. And sadly those who are considered "haters" love you failing. They cheer when you make a promise publicly and fail at it. No way! I'm good! I will keep my thoughts and goals to myself. Now when you see me in a good state of mind, when you see my body at its peak, when you see me smiling for no damn reason, know you had nothing to do with this process. Know that I didn't need your approval to start or finish. Know that I became a better version of me, whole heartedly!