Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Thanks to everyone who commented on my blog this morning, the support meant a lot to me.
Whenever we have a nasty fight like that, my mom will just pretend it never happened. I hate it but I don't want to to fight either, so whatever. My Facebook status this morning stated that I was sick and at home. And she commented, "Feel better sweetie! Love, Mommy."
Oh no. No no no. Not this time. It's not going down like that this time. I have had enough of her shnit. I will not let her tell me she f***ing hates me one night and act all motherly the next morning. I decided I was going to tell her what's up.
I send her an email. I didn't curse. I didn't even use exclamation points. I just told her, the reason I am home sick today is because SHE upset me last night. I told her I have suffered emotional abuse from her long enough, and I want a sincere apology, not just for last night but for every time she has done this to me.
My mother has never once in my life apologized to me. She has said, on many occasions, that because she is the parent, she is never wrong and therefore does not need to apologize to a child.
Needless to say, I got a reply that was about as far from an apology as you can get.
And for the record, she DID curse fanatically and use exclamation points.
I have already missed a day of work over this, and been in bed all day. It stops here. I got up. I got a shower. I'm going to the store. I'm a grown woman, I have my own life to live, and if she's willing to damage our relationship further because she's too immature to say she's sorry for flying into a maniacal rage simply because her daughter cares about her, that's her problem. I certainly will not be missing out.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
I couldn't make it into work today. My eyes are swollen to the size of golfballs from crying so much last night. I had a particularly bad fight with my mother. I haven't had one that bad since I lived there.
Long story short, she met this guy online (and not on at least a somewhat reputable dating site or anything) and she wants to go to Canada, to meet him, at a hotel.
I don't like it. It sounds like a potentially very dangerous situation. My mom is older, isn't really aware of the dangers of meeting strangers from the internet. I'm just trying to explain it, trying to get her to take more precautions, because I care about her. I stayed calm, I just want her to understand that this guy, may not be the Prince Charming she thinks he is.
She went into one of her maniacal rages, told me to go f*** myself, that I'm a f****** bitch, that I'll only be happy if she kills herself, and that she f****** hates me.
How can you talk that way to your daughter? How can you say horrible things like that to your only child, who just cares about you, who just wants you to be safe and happy?
I have taken years of abuse like this, all in response to my efforts to help her in some way. In 2006, I had to move out because of a fight like this, when she not only said horrific things, but slammed my face into a wall. Why? Because I called her doctor. She wasn't feeling well, but she wouldn't call herself, so I did it for her. Because I was scared for her. And got my face busted up for it.
I've kept a good job distancing myself emotionally for 5 years. But when this came up, I had to say something. I'm worried about her. I don't want anything bad to happen to her. And this is what I get.
I can't keep doing this. I can't keep letting her hurt me. I kept it at bay for 5 years, but stumbled. I will have to try not to let that happen again.
On the bright side, though, my boyfriend is a sweetheart. He doesn't usually have much to say, but this morning I came out into the kitchen. I could barely see out of my eyes and I whimpered, "I'm not pretty today." He hugged me and said, "Sweetie, you're always beautiful... especially with your new skinny tummy!" Awwww.
Monday, July 18, 2011
I haven't lost weight for years, so I forgot how cool it is the first time somebody notices.
My one coworker said to me today, "Have you been losing weight?" And I proudly told her yes, 11 pounds! And she was like, "Good for you! You look great!" And I got a high five, which amused me. The coworker in question is from another country and it always makes me smile when she uses American gestures and slang. I'm not laughing at her or anything, I just mean it's cute.
And then a few hours later, another coworker, who I have never even spoken to before, asked me the same thing And of course, I said yes again and she said, "I could tell, I watch you come in every day and I thought, well, she's definitely doing SOMETHING!"
It was great. Really made my day!!!
The one time that sticks out in my mind though, was years ago, when I lost 120 pounds in high school... I had lost about 70 pounds at the time and NOBODY had said anything. I'm still not sure why. It doesn't matter. Anyway, this one day, my gym/health teacher (who I had obviously never gotten along with) stopped me outside study hall and said, "Hey, I just wanted to tell you, I've noticed you've lost a lot of weight. You look amazing. Keep up the good work." And I was just floored, and touched. It really meant the world to me that she noticed and said something. In fact, I got the chance a few years ago when I saw her at the mall to tell her how much it meant to me.
What's the best notice you've ever gotten?
Monday, July 18, 2011
The past two fun weekends I had, I continued treating myself all week and gained weight and felt awful.
This week isn't going to be like that. It's 7AM Monday morning and I'm already back on track. Let's all do it up right this week!!!!
Who else saw Harry Potter this weekend?! I am so glad I read the books in time to see the last movies in theaters. I started reading the books when the Half-Blood Prince movie came out, so I got to see both Deathly Hallows in the theater. So exciting!!!
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Someone really needs to slap me upside the head. I deserve it. I've been whining and crying about being lonely and homesick, when in reality... I've an an AMAZING summer.
Started with going home for my birthday, which was an incredible time... then my BFF came to visit for a week and every day was a blast. I've seen my other best friend #2 several times. I've made a bunch of awesome cards, gone home for the 4th of July, hit the beach, played bingo, had some amazing food, and lost 11 pounds... and it's not anywhere near over.
#2 is coming again today. Sadly it will be her last visit before she moves back to the 'Burgh. But I'm not worrying about that. We're going to see Harry Potter (epicness) and tomorrow I am making a feast of portobello pizzas (you use portobello mushroom caps as the "crust" for mini pizzas), salad, breadsticks, and my better-than-crack mint brownies. I don't even like mint chocolate things and I mow those things down.
Next weekend, my best friend is coming down for a record-short visit to go with me to see the Baltimore Symphony Orchestra do a Tribute to John Williams. It will be aaaaaaaaaaamaaaaaaaaaaazing... I heard on the radio it was happening, and I lamented to Maggie that I wanted to go, but Matt wouldn't want to. (I'm still bitter about missing Star Wars in concert last summer, so I wouldn't even bother to ask him). And she said she'd come down Saturday morning, we'd go to the concert, and she'd head back before work on Sunday. It's a 6+ hour drive one way.
Can you believe how lucky I am? I feel like I have learned a lot in the past few weeks about love and friendship. I have the best boyfriend, and the best best friend in the whole world.
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