Sunday, August 03, 2008
I've spent the past 6 months of my life pretty much at a stand still. I'm not sure why or what happened. I'm just tired of it. For awhile there my entire life revolved around losing weight. It was literally all I could think about it. It consumed every aspect of my life. I was constantly thinking about food and exercise like it was all my life consisted of. Once I realized that I was becoming obsessed with it...instead of trying to not make it such an exteme priority...I instead made it not a priority. Weird how that happened huh? And today I just realized this. I need to vent...and I need to share it with people who understand what I'm going through. People who get how counting calories..and working out can consume you're life. How once you reach that point where you want to lose weight...that it's ALL you can think of. I hope some people can relate to that. I realized today...and this is because I felt terrible. I started TOM today...and ever since I stopped exercising so frequently...my first 2 days of TOM are just TERRIBLE. It was like it was when I first got TOM. Pains in my stomach too the point that I can't even stand up straight. Back aches...and considering I already have back issues it just makes it ten times worse. Nonetheless not a good day. Anyways back to my point. I realized today that for the past few weeks I was beginning to revert into old habits. In a way I was becoming the OLD me. The girl I NEVER want to be again. Spending WAY too much time in bed...wasting my life away. You see...before when I weighed nearly 300 pounds that's all I would do. Lay in bed. All weekend long I would sleep. I would shut my door and just try to forget this person I had become. This person I hate. And here I am...becoming slowly that person again. What the heck is up with that? I know that I'm a total work in progress. We all are...trying to improve our bad habits, exteriors...just trying to be better people on the inside & out. I got too a point where I somewhat liked the person on the outside...and then since I didn't work on the inside...just started to go downhill once again.
I'm not happy with my confidence. I'm not happy with my weight. I'm not happy with my career. I'm not happy with my living situation. I'm not happy that I live so far away from the man I love. I'm not happy that I don't spend more time with friends. I'm not happy that I'm not supportive of other people.
It's time to change all this. It's time to "redesign" myself. It's time to gain some self-esteem and confidence and feel good about the person I am. It's time to lose weight...but at the same time not become obsessed with it. It's time to buckle down and start working towards creating my own business. It's time to earn some money so I can move out! It's time to get happy with myself, so I can truly make my boyfriend happy. It's time to just rock it out.
So here goes....redesigning myself. But not becoming obsessed with it. I want to change...but slowly, gradually, not overnight. I don't plan to weigh or measure myself...but just make good choices and focus on them. I plan to just focus on being healthy...making good food choices, drinking lots of water, sleeping enough, exercising. And then the weight bit will take care of itself. And if I work towards that...and work towards furthering my career and making myself happy and enjoying the people around me, I know my confidence will grow. And things will fall into place right where I want them to be.