Wednesday, October 29, 2014
WARNING: The following blog you are about to read contains information on survival tactics during the zombie apocalypse. Some may find the information contained herein disturbing and these people may try to dissuade you from viewing its contents. You are advised to ignore these people. They may be insulted and offended by your actions, but do not overly fret. For when the apocalypse does come, they will not be prepared, and any disagreements between you will shortly be … removed.
Some of you may believe that this blog post is just merely a fun Halloween ramble. Admittedly, I regret the timing of this, as what I am about to impart on you is of the utmost importance and has nothing to do with the faux holiday that many little one’s observe on the upcoming All Hallows Eve.
No, what forces me to post this just now is a sign I saw while taking a walk the other day. It was in the back window of a car. Here, let me show you. I took a photo of it.
(Warning. I speed up to run over zombies.)
At first I thought it humorous. I mean I myself have in the past have taken light of zombies, even going so far as to defend them, saying that they can’t be blamed for doing what zombies do.
Then I thought, “What if I am doing everyone a grave disservice? What if people actually start to believe that zombies are not a real danger? What if they think that avoiding or dispatching a zombie is as simple as locking oneself in a shopping mall or hitting them with a bat? Or what if they really do think that it would be a good idea to speed up to run over a zombie?”
And these thoughts bothered me. So I decided it was best if I set the record straight as soon as possible.
I decided enough with the silly zombie talk.
No, it’s time for some serious zombie talk. Whether you believe that the apocalypse is a result of an overflow of undead from hell, or a result of the solanum virus, is irrelevant. What is relevant is surviving. To do so I impart the following tactics to survive the zombie apocalypse. Call it a zombie primer, a zombie manifesto. I don’t care. Just read it. Understand it. Follow it. If you do these things, you may add on precious extra years to your life.
(Note – a few weeks ago a question on the San Antonio Team forums asked the question of what to do when the zombie apocalypse occurred. At the time I gave a brief statement there. Some are recreated here, some information is new.)
So to let you all know, there really is only one rule. Rule # 1: Survive.
What you need to understand is that you can’t successfully fight and win the zombie apocalypse. For there is only so much swinging of bats to heads one can do before their arm tires. Shot gun shells will run out. Samurai swords will go dull.
In short, mankind will not survive the apocalypse. We can only hope to survive long enough until we can’t run anymore. And that is the number 1 means to enhance your ability in meeting the requirements of rule #1. To keep moving.
Always be on the move. Travel light. Travel alone. There may be times when you need to depend on strategic alliances. But know that there will come a time when you may need to sacrifice them in order to ensure your own survival.
In short, trust no one.
You never know when someone might harbor a hidden bite or scratch, rendering them a potential threat as your are looking away or are asleep.
What about family? Friends? Your pet hamster?
You can bring them along with you. Just know that if you do, your chances of survival will significantly drop. They will eat your valuable stores of food. And in the end, they may also be only treating you like a trusted ally, only to drop you when in dire straits. So once again I must state, even with family, friends, and pet turtles – Trust No One.
Some of you may have the mistaken belief that barricading yourself inside of a shopping mall is a good strategy. What they fail to realize is that at some point their supplies will run out. When this happens, it will have been too late for them to make a run for it. The zombie army would have by then amassed to such a size that no amount of fire power or home run hitting prowess will suffice.
The Beginning of the End – Just Say No To Shopping Malls
There are those that will continue to argue the case for isolation. An island in the middle of the ocean for instance. Or the moon.
Placing yourself on a desolated island is just a bad idea. At some point they will find you. Like seeds dropped from passing birds, so will zombies find a way to your faux sanctuary. And when they get there, you will then see the immenseness of your miscalculation. For on your tiny island you now have no place to run. No place to hide. You may think you can head back to the water and retreat from the undead horde, but really … you think it’s just humans that will fall in the zombie apolcalypse?
(Carcharodon Carcharias Solanumus)
As for the moon, should this actually be a viable option, this too would be a mistake. For on the moon, due to the decreased gravitational forces, what little advantage you may have enjoyed on earth with regards to speed would now be neutralized. (This moon talk is really just silly. Talk of getting to and surviving on the moon is pure sci-fi fantasy. So let’s stop the crazy talk and get back to reality shall we.)
Now you yourself may come upon one of these zombie fortresses. In these events you should skirt around them and keep moving. The only exception would be if you find yourself in need of supplies. In such cases offer them what assurances that you can of your non-zombieness. They may eventually treat you with kindness once you are inside and have passed their medical and security measures, but you are still a stranger to them, so be wary.
My advice here is to take advantage of said kindness until you can get the stores you need. Then leave. Accomplishing this quietly, without resorting to violence is the best plan. If something goes amiss and innocent lives are in the balance, well … the zombies would have gotten them soon anyway.
So I reiterate once more. Keep moving. Survive.
Sunday, October 26, 2014
I was debating on writing an inspirational blog today. Perhaps a helpful one maybe.
But then I thought, no. That’s really not my style. No, no – my strengths really lie elsewhere. The question I wondered, was what exactly is my strength. I thought, and thought for a bit and couldn’t come up with anything. So I randomly picked a word from my random word generator.
Yes! This totally is my strength I decided. After all, when I write I do tend to confuse the bejeebers out of people. All it takes is a sentence, maybe a few paragraphs and WHAMO! People are wondering to themselves,
“What the heck is he talking about? Reading his blog makes me feel like I’m in the Rocky Horror Picture Show as I fall down a rabbit hole. Am I going crazy or does this guy constantly mix his metaphors?”
So yeah, confusion. I’ll go with that. Captain Confusion even.
It’s actually a good thing that I don’t work for a newspaper column. Think of all the damage I’d do there. A whole column. My readership would likely explode to mammoth proportions as well. Heck, I might even get readers in the double digit numbers. But again, it’s a good thing that’s not happening. A whole column. The CIA might come by to arrest me because I was a danger to society. Which would be odd, as the FBI is generally the lead agency, as the CIA handles national security stuffs. At least that is what I understand based on my surveillance and intelligence gathering via CBS and NBC.
A lot of people are likely thinking that’s why I am dropping out of NaNoWriMo this year. Destroying mankind would be counter-productive to my grand scheme of ruling the world. Ruling the world without loyal and adoring subjects, that I have forced to worship me, wouldn’t be as much fun. Don’t get me wrong. I'd still rule the plants and animals with an iron fist. But it’d just be nice to every so often have one of my slaves …. errr … subjects … get me my morning coffee and not have it contain bear servant fur in it.
Actually, work issues are requiring that I step back from the awesomeness of writing this year. Which is too bad, as I bet I could have confused a lot more people with an entire novel of drivel.
PS – If you have actually made it this far down in the blog post, then your mind is obviously mushed into mushiness. And if you comment, it probably won’t make any sense. You’ll probably say something to the effect of:
1) OMG, this is even too weird for you
2) That was funny
4) Something about NaNoWriMo
5) Naming your own super power strength
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Ok all, I am going to break my word about not blogging about something Spark worthy until the later part of the month.
However, tonight I went for a run and it went really well. So I thought I’d write about it. And about my 2015 goals.
First, this year’s goals that I have set for myself.
During the 2014 year I have made it my goal to do at last one 5K event run for each month of the year. Barring an injury, I will complete this. I have a 5K event planned for next week that will get me my October 5K. Then it’s a Tofuky Trot for November (yes, a vegetarian run), and the December Jingle Bell Run. I’ll have a 5K in each month. And for the year I should have no less than (18) 5K’s for the year.
As to 2015? I was debating what I would do come next year. But I figured it out a month ago. My wife has been doing Tri’s for the past 2 years. This past year I’ve done several duathlons. It’s time I dipped my toe in the water, both figuratively and literally.
My goal for 2015 will be to complete 3 Sprint Triathlons, and finish off with an Olympic Triathlon.
Sprint Tri: ½ mile swim – 12 mile bike ride – 5K run
Olympic Tri; 1 mile swim – 24 mile bike ride – 10K run
The thing I am worried about is … well, all of it. The swim. The run. I am okay on the bike. But I need a LOT of work on my swimming. And I have yet to do more than a 5K.
Well, until TONIGHT!
I finally broke through my 3 mile limit. Tonight I ran for 5.71 miles. About ½ mile shy of a 10K. That is more than I have ever run before – and it makes me believe I can do an Oly distance run.
I’m even letting myself look forward to 2016. Yeah, for 2016 I’m thinking a Half Iron Man.
Wednesday, October 08, 2014
Before anyone asks – No, wifey and I are not having marriage problems.
However, there is an unresolved issue that has been a point of contention between wifey and me.
Well, first off I must reiterate from my previous blog – This blog post will have ZERO Sparkalicous content. It’s not yet the middle of the month, so nope, nope – not going to use up my 1 Spark-related blog post per month too early.
Also, due to the nature of the topic, I will warn you in advance, this is a VERY LONG blog post.
Anyway, as mentioned above and as implied with the blog title, this particular bit of writing concerns wedding vows. Specifically, moi’s wedding vows.
And a transgression of magnanimous proportions. Specifically, wifey’s transgression.
So first the back story – as I have been told giving a back story is always a good idea prior to giving the front story.
When wifey and I decided to get married we agreed to have it in Hawaii. That’s where I am originally from and most of my family is there. In addition, wifey had never met my family, and she wanted to take a vacation there anyway. So we set a date and made the reservations. Our plane would arrive in Hawaii 4 days prior to the wedding. However, it was still several months away, and we knew we needed to do more planning. Since it was sort of a “Destination” wedding, we hired an inexpensive wedding planner. That was a good choice as we then had less to figure out ourselves.
One of the things we were trying to figure out however was our wedding vows. I think I had mentioned something about “… love, honor, and obey …”
I don’t know what the exact conversation was, but it went something along the lines of:
* Wifey: “What? Obey? Do you live in the 19th century? We are NOT having that line in our wedding vows.”
* Greg: “But it’s traditional. Are you against tradition?”
* Wifey: “That was a stupid tradition.”
* Greg: “But there’s lots of stoopid traditions we still follow. If we willy-nilly decide on these things then before you know it anarchy will rule the world we live in.”
* Wifey: “Not obeying dude.”
* Greg: “Hippie.”
Anyway, after much discussion, mostly on my side, as I don’t think you can call her part of it a discussion when all she gave me were evil glares … after much discussion, we decided that perhaps what we could do was to write our own wedding vows. That way, we could eliminate that particular wording. If we so chose. Or did not choose.
In which wifey interjected –
“Yes, you WILL choose to remove that language.”
After a minute or two she again interjected –
“Get that look out of your eyes. You had better not sneak it in.”
Anyway, we knew that writing our own vows meant that we had better start early, as wedding vows are sacred. We knew a lot of thought and effort would need to go into them. Likely editing and rewrites were in our future.
So … about an hour before we landed in Hawaii I told wifey we should get started on our vows.
Pen in hand, we looked in her purse for paper. Hmmm. No paper.
Being adept at solving problems, we both reached for the magazine in the back seat pocket. Wifey got it first and tore out the crossword puzzle page because there was an almost blank sheet behind it. I can see it now, “Do you, wifey, take 2-down, as your lawfully wedded 17-across.”
At any rate, I decided to just use the napkin on my pull-down tray. Wifey asked if that was wise to use a paper napkin that might disintegrate. Good point I thought. So I made sure to keep my cup of water off of it so as not to smudge anything.
Write, write, write.
Just an hour to get it done. The pressure was on.. However, we didn’t need the whole hour. Heck, we only needed 10 minutes! Wifey was peeved I got mine done so fast. I think she was just mad because I finished before she did. Well, perhaps raising my hands and yelling, “I WIN!” was bad form. I dunno. I will go with poor loser on her part.
So the plane touched down. And as mentioned, we had 4 days until the wedding. So we got busy with wedding plan stuffs.
We went to the beach. We had dinner with my parents. We went swimming again. My parents threw a picnic for us and for wifey’s parents and wifey’s 4 friends who flew in. Then we went to the beach again.
Ok, we DID fit in getting our marriage license. And in fact, we had the wedding rehearsal to go to as well.
At one point the priest asked us if we had our vows ready. We said yup, yup and that we had written our own. Preacher dude said it would be a good idea to get the cards to the wedding planner so that we didn’t forget them back at the hotel room.
When the priest wasn’t looking wifey turned to me and silently mouthed, “Cards?”
So yeah, after the rehearsal we went to buy each of us a card to put our vows in. We decided to get these nice looking Hawaiian cards. Nice keepsakes I think.
(Wifey’s Wedding Vow Card)
(Greg’s Wedding Vow Card0
Later that night, I believe it was 8:30pm or so, we got out our vows and painstakingly and meticulously transcribed them to our official vow cards. We wanted to make sure we had everything just right. No fussing around. We knew what our priorities were.
At 8:32pm we shoved the finished cards into our “give to wedding planner folder” and decided to go for a late night beach swim.
Fast forward to the actual wedding. No go a bit further please. Yes … right there.
Ok, so at the point in the program where we are to read our wedding vows, the priest had me going first. I start to read. Then all of a sudden wifey starts to giggle.
I keep reading, but I heard one of her bridesmaids asking the other one if things are okay as wifey is laughing. The priest looks confused too.
Later, wifey reads hers. Ceremony done. I am sure our parents and family and friends are wondering what was going on. Because seriously, my vows were super awesome. Here, take a look.
(Greg’s wedding vows)
What wifey quickly figured out was that I had indeed snuck a certain line in.
Can you see it?
Here, let me help you out.
So back to the point of this blog. Yes, I know it took a long time getting there, but having some context will help you see the validity of my side of this. I mean, wifey eventually knew it was in the vows. It IS our official vow document of record. And wifey did sign the marriage license. The marriage license was validated by witnesses. So vows must be followed right? Right? RIGHT?
To each of you reading, you may not agree with me.
And well, that’s ok too.
Keeping a good relationship is more important anyway.
Everything will be fine I know.
Maybe I make too big an issue of this.
Yet, maybe not?
So I had better end this.
I think its getting too long.
Everyone have a good day!
(And a bonus photo of my late grandmother ... in front of the 1,000 cranes)
Wednesday, October 01, 2014
****** WARNING WARNING WARNING ******
I have to formally warn and notify you that this particular blog post has zero Spark-worthiness.
But I have a reason for writing a non-Sparktacular blog. Mainly, because I don’t want to.
But to a lesser extent, it’s because I don’t want to repeat the mistakes of the past. You see, I normally have only enough of a moral compass to write a single Sparkable blog post a month. But this past September I think I actually managed 5 or 6 of them. And we just can’t have that happening right? So it is my goal to refrain from Sparkly blog posts until at least the last half of the month. In that way I can potentially avert the mis-steps of the last month.
So on to the topic at hand.
You might be wondering why I’m writing about Halloween so far in advance of that auspicious day. Well, it’s because I like to think I am a get ‘er done kind of guy. In reality, I just like writing about ninjas and zombies and crap. So yeah, we’re about to get our stealthy brain-eating groove on …
Before I actually let you know why I can’t get dressed up in costume fantastic, I will go through the options I did have in mind. In numbered list fashion of course.
1 – Ninja
Yes, yes. This was my first choice. Stealth. The ultimate master of nighttime assassins. This would have been an excellent choice. I’d ring the doorbell on all-hallows eve. As the door opened, silent death would fly out in the form of several 5-pointed shurikens. Admittedly they’d be paper ninja stars. But as they bounced off the unsuspecting candy giver-outer, who would obviously be taken aback by such a vicious attack, I’d calmly step in, grab the entire candy bowl. And slip off. Into the night. Into the wind. “I am ninja,” they would hear in the eerie echos of the dark
Alas … this will not be.
2 – Zombie
Another excellent choice if I do say so myself. And I do say so. But this one does have a drawback I admit. What if in costume no one realizes I am in costume? I mean – the finger I would have fall off in zombie fashion may go unnoticed … as my normal 6-fingered hand has an extra thumb. And when said finger falls off, it would look like a normal hand. Damn people. They need to pay more attention.
3 – SparkGuy
He’d be an excellent choice to dress up as. I mean seriously, the dude has like 52 bazillion Spark friends. You’re probably one of them. With so many friends, it’s highly likely that I’d be “recognized.” And being “friends” I might get an extra handful of candy. The downside is that it would be Spark Friends. And they’d likely give me a stoopid apple or something. I want candy damnit.
4 – Pirate
Ok, not me. But my pup. The one who recently had to have his left eye removed. He’d go as pirate pup. I could sit him on my shoulder. As we walked up to the candy giver-outer he could say, “Arrrrrrrrf. I be a pirate dog. Arfffffffffff.” Dog are cute. Even one-eyed ones. We’d totally score on the treat booty.
5 – The most scariest costume of all
Yeah, a lazy couch potato. Maybe I could add some melted butter and a dollop of lard as toppings. But I’m not sure I would be able to get out of my house doorway. No, I’d end up just sitting my couch potato costumed self on the real couch and eat a real potato as I watched tv.
So, suffice to say, all good ideas. But all for naught. Because on October 31st I will be busy. I will be out awaiting the witching hour. Midnight, October 31st. And as the second hand clicks just past midnight … November 1st, 12:00:01 am …
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