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A Guide To Post-Apocalyptic Survival

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

WARNING: The following blog you are about to read contains information on survival tactics during the zombie apocalypse. Some may find the information contained herein disturbing and these people may try to dissuade you from viewing its contents. You are advised to ignore these people. They may be insulted and offended by your actions, but do not overly fret. For when the apocalypse does come, they will not be prepared, and any disagreements between you will shortly be … removed.

Some of you may believe that this blog post is just merely a fun Halloween ramble. Admittedly, I regret the timing of this, as what I am about to impart on you is of the utmost importance and has nothing to do with the faux holiday that many little one’s observe on the upcoming All Hallows Eve.

No, what forces me to post this just now is a sign I saw while taking a walk the other day. It was in the back window of a car. Here, let me show you. I took a photo of it.

(Warning. I speed up to run over zombies.)

At first I thought it humorous. I mean I myself have in the past have taken light of zombies, even going so far as to defend them, saying that they can’t be blamed for doing what zombies do.

Then I thought, “What if I am doing everyone a grave disservice? What if people actually start to believe that zombies are not a real danger? What if they think that avoiding or dispatching a zombie is as simple as locking oneself in a shopping mall or hitting them with a bat? Or what if they really do think that it would be a good idea to speed up to run over a zombie?”

And these thoughts bothered me. So I decided it was best if I set the record straight as soon as possible.

I decided enough with the silly zombie talk.

No, it’s time for some serious zombie talk. Whether you believe that the apocalypse is a result of an overflow of undead from hell, or a result of the solanum virus, is irrelevant. What is relevant is surviving. To do so I impart the following tactics to survive the zombie apocalypse. Call it a zombie primer, a zombie manifesto. I don’t care. Just read it. Understand it. Follow it. If you do these things, you may add on precious extra years to your life.

(Note – a few weeks ago a question on the San Antonio Team forums asked the question of what to do when the zombie apocalypse occurred. At the time I gave a brief statement there. Some are recreated here, some information is new.)

So to let you all know, there really is only one rule. Rule # 1: Survive.

What you need to understand is that you can’t successfully fight and win the zombie apocalypse. For there is only so much swinging of bats to heads one can do before their arm tires. Shot gun shells will run out. Samurai swords will go dull.

In short, mankind will not survive the apocalypse. We can only hope to survive long enough until we can’t run anymore. And that is the number 1 means to enhance your ability in meeting the requirements of rule #1. To keep moving.

Always be on the move. Travel light. Travel alone. There may be times when you need to depend on strategic alliances. But know that there will come a time when you may need to sacrifice them in order to ensure your own survival.

In short, trust no one.

You never know when someone might harbor a hidden bite or scratch, rendering them a potential threat as your are looking away or are asleep.

What about family? Friends? Your pet hamster?

You can bring them along with you. Just know that if you do, your chances of survival will significantly drop. They will eat your valuable stores of food. And in the end, they may also be only treating you like a trusted ally, only to drop you when in dire straits. So once again I must state, even with family, friends, and pet turtles – Trust No One.

Keep moving.

Some of you may have the mistaken belief that barricading yourself inside of a shopping mall is a good strategy. What they fail to realize is that at some point their supplies will run out. When this happens, it will have been too late for them to make a run for it. The zombie army would have by then amassed to such a size that no amount of fire power or home run hitting prowess will suffice.

The Beginning of the End – Just Say No To Shopping Malls

There are those that will continue to argue the case for isolation. An island in the middle of the ocean for instance. Or the moon.

Placing yourself on a desolated island is just a bad idea. At some point they will find you. Like seeds dropped from passing birds, so will zombies find a way to your faux sanctuary. And when they get there, you will then see the immenseness of your miscalculation. For on your tiny island you now have no place to run. No place to hide. You may think you can head back to the water and retreat from the undead horde, but really … you think it’s just humans that will fall in the zombie apolcalypse?

(Carcharodon Carcharias Solanumus)

As for the moon, should this actually be a viable option, this too would be a mistake. For on the moon, due to the decreased gravitational forces, what little advantage you may have enjoyed on earth with regards to speed would now be neutralized. (This moon talk is really just silly. Talk of getting to and surviving on the moon is pure sci-fi fantasy. So let’s stop the crazy talk and get back to reality shall we.)

Now you yourself may come upon one of these zombie fortresses. In these events you should skirt around them and keep moving. The only exception would be if you find yourself in need of supplies. In such cases offer them what assurances that you can of your non-zombieness. They may eventually treat you with kindness once you are inside and have passed their medical and security measures, but you are still a stranger to them, so be wary.

My advice here is to take advantage of said kindness until you can get the stores you need. Then leave. Accomplishing this quietly, without resorting to violence is the best plan. If something goes amiss and innocent lives are in the balance, well … the zombies would have gotten them soon anyway.

So I reiterate once more. Keep moving. Survive.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

APONI_KB 10/30/2014 2:58PM

    but the moon is made of cheese though

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SMILINGTREE 10/30/2014 1:18PM

    Last weekend husbandperson watched a movie called Zombie Strippers. He declared it excellent, but me....well, I'm less entertained by strippers than he is :)

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TWESTEN1 10/30/2014 12:09PM

    I have to say... this blog bothers me quite a bit. What is the point of surviving, if one must travel ALONE?!!!! Wouldn't you rather just be zombie dinner? I mean, I enjoy my alone time... but to be alone for ever while trying to outrun the human eaters... I don't know. Think I'd just rather be eaten. Or hanging out in the strip club with Sparky until we are eaten :)

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SPARKASAURUS 10/30/2014 8:24AM rule #21 Avoid Strip Clubs?

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MAVERICKDR 10/29/2014 7:01PM

    Survive, keep moving, trust no one, forget the moon or shopping malls. In that order, or some other order? I think I may have gotten something out of this.

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IFDEEVARUNS2 10/29/2014 4:06PM

    Grave disservice? LOL!

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HILLSLUG98239 10/29/2014 3:57PM

    I'm going with #1, from your previous blog.

Comment edited on: 10/29/2014 4:06:01 PM

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HILLSLUG98239 10/29/2014 2:58PM

    Extra points for the pun of "grave disservice" in a post about zombies. emoticon

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SBEAR5 10/29/2014 2:46PM

    So, if I recall correctly, you DON'T watch The Walking Dead. And it really seems like you should. Hubs said he watched a show, maybe it was on the discovery channel, not sure. anyways, they took a serious approach to surviving the zombie apocalypse. And it's rumored the CDC did a blog on it! haha it's serious stuff man.. (said in my best Spicoli)

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When Blogs Serve No Purpose

Sunday, October 26, 2014

I was debating on writing an inspirational blog today. Perhaps a helpful one maybe.

But then I thought, no. That’s really not my style. No, no – my strengths really lie elsewhere. The question I wondered, was what exactly is my strength. I thought, and thought for a bit and couldn’t come up with anything. So I randomly picked a word from my random word generator.


Yes! This totally is my strength I decided. After all, when I write I do tend to confuse the bejeebers out of people. All it takes is a sentence, maybe a few paragraphs and WHAMO! People are wondering to themselves,

“What the heck is he talking about? Reading his blog makes me feel like I’m in the Rocky Horror Picture Show as I fall down a rabbit hole. Am I going crazy or does this guy constantly mix his metaphors?”

So yeah, confusion. I’ll go with that. Captain Confusion even.

It’s actually a good thing that I don’t work for a newspaper column. Think of all the damage I’d do there. A whole column. My readership would likely explode to mammoth proportions as well. Heck, I might even get readers in the double digit numbers. But again, it’s a good thing that’s not happening. A whole column. The CIA might come by to arrest me because I was a danger to society. Which would be odd, as the FBI is generally the lead agency, as the CIA handles national security stuffs. At least that is what I understand based on my surveillance and intelligence gathering via CBS and NBC.

A lot of people are likely thinking that’s why I am dropping out of NaNoWriMo this year. Destroying mankind would be counter-productive to my grand scheme of ruling the world. Ruling the world without loyal and adoring subjects, that I have forced to worship me, wouldn’t be as much fun. Don’t get me wrong. I'd still rule the plants and animals with an iron fist. But it’d just be nice to every so often have one of my slaves …. errr … subjects … get me my morning coffee and not have it contain bear servant fur in it.

Actually, work issues are requiring that I step back from the awesomeness of writing this year. Which is too bad, as I bet I could have confused a lot more people with an entire novel of drivel.

PS – If you have actually made it this far down in the blog post, then your mind is obviously mushed into mushiness. And if you comment, it probably won’t make any sense. You’ll probably say something to the effect of:

1) OMG, this is even too weird for you
2) That was funny
3) Hahaha
4) Something about NaNoWriMo
5) Naming your own super power strength

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

POCKETFULOFSUN 10/29/2014 9:08PM


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MAVERICKDR 10/29/2014 7:09PM

    This is one of the funniest things since Caddyshack. Reminded me of Carl Spackler, "This is a hybrid. This is a cross, ah, Bluegrass, Kentucky Bluegrass, Featherbed Bent, and Northern California Sensemilia. The amazing stuff about this is, that you can play 36 holes on it in the afternoon, take it home and just get stoned to the bejeezus-belt that night on this stuff. Here, I've got pounds of this."

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A_RARE_BEAN 10/29/2014 3:35AM

    3) hahaha
4) something about nanowrimo


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SPARKASAURUS 10/29/2014 12:18AM

    You have some interesting friends!! emoticon

I don't know what my super power would be, but i'll ponder it.

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SPEEDYDOG 10/28/2014 10:07AM


Your creativity is amazing! Do you actually think about what you are going to write? Or do you just wing it and start writing?


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OPTIMIST1948 10/28/2014 6:32AM

    OMG you have spewed random words all over the paper. And it made sense. Good for you! You are one step above the monkeys.

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LORENVER 10/27/2014 7:31PM

    4- but it took a really long time to get there :).

So does this mean that since you are doing work stuff instead of nano, that you are turning into an adult?

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HILLSLUG98239 10/27/2014 3:51PM

    Immediate thoughts:

1. Holy crap. I'm ObviousWoman. /insert .gif of me, throwing back my cape and saying, "I'm here to explain the obvious!"\ If you're Captain Confusion, you'd be my superhero nemesis. For the sake of our continued friendship, may I suggest you change your name & role to Captain Confucian? You could still confuse the heck out of people, but only because they'd be trying to apply the wisdom you spew to their own muddled lives.

2. Re: Destroying the World: "Whadda we gonna do tonight, Brain?" "The same thing we do every night, Pinky: plot to take over the world!"

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EOSTAR_45 10/27/2014 11:24AM

    1) OMG, this is even too weird for you. emoticon

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SBEAR5 10/27/2014 9:32AM

    4) Something about NaNoWriMo

yeah, the first time you mentioned that, I had to look that up.

And to add some originality... I was confused. My only excuse is it's still monday morning. and I'm still tired from my run. haha

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SMILINGTREE 10/26/2014 7:23PM

    I'm out this year, too, so I understand that you might be feeling a little sad about it (what? That wasn't what you said? Yes, it was!)

Not doing NaNo feels a little like the year I signed up to do a half marathon I've wanted to do for years, then hurting my back and not getting even through a fourth of the training...

I'm sorry work is too busy for NaNo, but will submit that November is to writing as January is to working out. (You can write any time! It doesn't HAVE to be when everyone else is writing. You could write 60,000 words in March or June if you wanted to.)

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APONI_KB 10/26/2014 4:45PM

    I like stream of consciousness
also wild non sequiturs
what is NaNoWriMo

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TWESTEN1 10/26/2014 3:00PM

    OMG - You ARE weird!!! Was that one of the options?!

I do think you would acquire quite the following if you wrote for a paper. Yup - and people wouldn't be able to decide if they loved you or hated you b/c you would confuse them so much. That is awesome. Maybe that should be your next career... and everyone should have a super hero side, right? I'll work on mine & let you know what I come up with.

Til then, keep those words flowing...

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MM11113 10/26/2014 1:52PM

    Ah ha, November is writing month. I leave that to you. Even your confusion writing is more interesting than mine!

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MM11113 10/26/2014 1:51PM

    Number 5 - I am constantly accused of being the most organized person in our department of 400 people.

And for work, it is true, but by time I get home, I am all organized out. So now, I am semi retired (working 1 week a month) and I may attack my domicile with all that organization skill.

I don't know what NaNoWriMo is, so I'll have to google it.

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Miles To Go Before I Sleep - Barriers Broken, Barriers To Break

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Ok all, I am going to break my word about not blogging about something Spark worthy until the later part of the month.

However, tonight I went for a run and it went really well. So I thought I’d write about it. And about my 2015 goals.

First, this year’s goals that I have set for myself.

During the 2014 year I have made it my goal to do at last one 5K event run for each month of the year. Barring an injury, I will complete this. I have a 5K event planned for next week that will get me my October 5K. Then it’s a Tofuky Trot for November (yes, a vegetarian run), and the December Jingle Bell Run. I’ll have a 5K in each month. And for the year I should have no less than (18) 5K’s for the year.

As to 2015? I was debating what I would do come next year. But I figured it out a month ago. My wife has been doing Tri’s for the past 2 years. This past year I’ve done several duathlons. It’s time I dipped my toe in the water, both figuratively and literally.

My goal for 2015 will be to complete 3 Sprint Triathlons, and finish off with an Olympic Triathlon.

Sprint Tri: ½ mile swim – 12 mile bike ride – 5K run
Olympic Tri; 1 mile swim – 24 mile bike ride – 10K run

The thing I am worried about is … well, all of it. The swim. The run. I am okay on the bike. But I need a LOT of work on my swimming. And I have yet to do more than a 5K.

Well, until TONIGHT!

I finally broke through my 3 mile limit. Tonight I ran for 5.71 miles. About ½ mile shy of a 10K. That is more than I have ever run before – and it makes me believe I can do an Oly distance run.

I’m even letting myself look forward to 2016. Yeah, for 2016 I’m thinking a Half Iron Man.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

OPTIMIST1948 10/24/2014 6:16AM

    What I have realized with the triathlons: its not the individual distances. the challenge is doing them one right after another.

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JUNESHOPE 10/20/2014 10:54AM

    emoticon right in the kisser! Imagination works just as good as actually doing it.. LOL
emoticon Your blog exhausted me... I'm not quite into all the fitness stuff, and it's actually not a goal of mine to ever be. But I do admire people that do it.
So emoticon goals, and determination to get-it-done!
I have no doubt you will meet & exceed every one of those things you plan on doing.

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LIVIN4LISH 10/14/2014 11:39PM

    Congratulations on your 2014 goals thus far, and I wish you well for an injury-free last quarter. The tri goal for 2015 sounds oddly similar to my own. However, I will confess that my Olympic distance tri is not "exactly" olympic distance. It is a 1000 yard POOL swim, a 27.5 mile bike, and a 6 mile run. I am actually a decent swimmer, but a pretty sucky runner, so I know what I will be working on this winter. Congratulations on your run today!

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LORENVER 10/14/2014 8:08PM

    Okay first, I thought your 5k a month goal was AWESOME. If you lived by me I would think about tripping you on your way by :).

Your 2015 goals are even more AWESOMER. I think that might even make you AWESOME(R).

Whoa- that is so deep.


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APONI_KB 10/14/2014 6:22PM

    There is a guy at work who did a half IM. He did the swim part in 23 minutes. I hear it was in a river downstream and all but TWENTY_THREE MINUTES. I told him we can't be friends because he is a freak. Oddly enough he seemed to take that better than you might think.

I like your goals.

I don't have any goals for 2015. I figure I'll wait until Dec 31st and look at what I've done this year and claim those were my 2014 goals.

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HILLSLUG98239 10/14/2014 3:27PM

    I am not above wishing a sprained ankle on others. So fear not, you are not alone in your childish pettiness.

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GHK1962 10/14/2014 1:21PM

    Hahaha, I'm gonna post a comment on my own blog!

It will serve 2 purposes.
1) I can do an addendum to the original blog post
2) It'll be one more comment and make me look way more popular than I really am!
3) It'll show that I can't quite count to 2

Anyway ... so this morning as I was driving to work, feeling all smug about my smuggy 5+ mile run yesterday, I see these two younger ladies running. It was dark and they had their blinky lights on. It was also raining. And they were running FAST. And, up a HILL.

So again, running in the darkness with their blinky lights in the rain and going very fast uphill. Yeah ... there were clearly badass.

I wanted to stop my car, get out, rush over and PUSH them down for being show offs.

But I didn't. For 2 reasons.
1) It would likely have gotten me an assault charge
2) They would have likely kicked my butt as they were clearly fitter than me
3) Yup, I still can't count to 2

Anyway ... I know some of you are thinking that I really should be looking at them and being inspired ... that would be the Sparkish thing to do right?

Let me just say ...

You're lucky I don't live near you or I would come there and push you down.

Actually ... I wouldn't. It just sounds funny to me to say I would push someone down. I dunno why.

That is all.

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I_CAN_AMY 10/14/2014 10:35AM

    Go you!!!! You can do it! I am thinking of a sprint or olympic tri for 2015 as well, but I have different challenges. I don't love swimming :-) The running and biking I'm ok with, but I don't know about the swimming part!

I'm rooting for you! Here's to our goals in 2015!



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HILLSLUG98239 10/14/2014 10:08AM

    Woo hoo! Congrats on doing so many 5Ks and on setting your goals for next year. You'll never need to buy another t-shirt as long as you live.

You'll get just good enough on the swim. If you have difficulty "getting" the breathing, try using a swim snorkel. It's made a huge difference for me. It allows me to focus on form, and it's improved my swim overall. I have a goal of swimming across the Columbia River. (It's about a half-mile where I live.) I'm hoping for next year. I've done the distance in triathlons, but those have been in lakes. Even using the current will make for different swim.

I haven't started using a training plan. I may have to, because I want to cap next year with an Oly. But I have such a hard time working in the plan to commuting by bike.

Oh crap. I just spent my entire comment on your blog post talking about me. Feel free to post some random, disconnected comment on one of my blog posts.

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SMILINGTREE 10/14/2014 9:36AM

    Congratulations! Doing a 5K every month takes dedication. And of course you can do a 10K :)

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SPEEDYDOG 10/14/2014 9:26AM


Sounds like you are really getting into shape. You have some good goals. Nice jump in mileage.

Thanks, Bruce

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SPARKASAURUS 10/14/2014 8:20AM

    Wow! Those are some GOALS! and wtg on tonight- you are definitely on your way!!

Your wife sound awesome, btw!

Do me favor, when you accomplish the half Iron Man, will you say out loud



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BILL60 10/14/2014 8:07AM

    Great goals and super accomplishments for 2014. However, life is not complete until you add a century into those lofty goals.

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TWESTEN1 10/14/2014 7:44AM

    You are amazing! I LOVE your goals - that you've completed the 5ks every month & that you're pushing even harder for next year. That is awesome! But the best was your run yesterday - woohoo!!! That is a freakin' big jump at almost double your normal run!

Wonder if it was those new sneakers?!! Either way, you did great - congrats :)

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ZRIE014 10/14/2014 12:23AM

  you want to train a great distance than you are planning to do.

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Wedding Vow Broken

Wednesday, October 08, 2014

Before anyone asks – No, wifey and I are not having marriage problems.

However, there is an unresolved issue that has been a point of contention between wifey and me.

Well, first off I must reiterate from my previous blog – This blog post will have ZERO Sparkalicous content. It’s not yet the middle of the month, so nope, nope – not going to use up my 1 Spark-related blog post per month too early.

Also, due to the nature of the topic, I will warn you in advance, this is a VERY LONG blog post.

Anyway, as mentioned above and as implied with the blog title, this particular bit of writing concerns wedding vows. Specifically, moi’s wedding vows.

And a transgression of magnanimous proportions. Specifically, wifey’s transgression.

So first the back story – as I have been told giving a back story is always a good idea prior to giving the front story.

When wifey and I decided to get married we agreed to have it in Hawaii. That’s where I am originally from and most of my family is there. In addition, wifey had never met my family, and she wanted to take a vacation there anyway. So we set a date and made the reservations. Our plane would arrive in Hawaii 4 days prior to the wedding. However, it was still several months away, and we knew we needed to do more planning. Since it was sort of a “Destination” wedding, we hired an inexpensive wedding planner. That was a good choice as we then had less to figure out ourselves.

One of the things we were trying to figure out however was our wedding vows. I think I had mentioned something about “… love, honor, and obey …”

I don’t know what the exact conversation was, but it went something along the lines of:

* Wifey: “What? Obey? Do you live in the 19th century? We are NOT having that line in our wedding vows.”

* Greg: “But it’s traditional. Are you against tradition?”

* Wifey: “That was a stupid tradition.”

* Greg: “But there’s lots of stoopid traditions we still follow. If we willy-nilly decide on these things then before you know it anarchy will rule the world we live in.”

* Wifey: “Not obeying dude.”

* Greg: “Hippie.”

Anyway, after much discussion, mostly on my side, as I don’t think you can call her part of it a discussion when all she gave me were evil glares … after much discussion, we decided that perhaps what we could do was to write our own wedding vows. That way, we could eliminate that particular wording. If we so chose. Or did not choose.

In which wifey interjected –

“Yes, you WILL choose to remove that language.”

After a minute or two she again interjected –

“Get that look out of your eyes. You had better not sneak it in.”

Ok. Whatever.

Anyway, we knew that writing our own vows meant that we had better start early, as wedding vows are sacred. We knew a lot of thought and effort would need to go into them. Likely editing and rewrites were in our future.

So … about an hour before we landed in Hawaii I told wifey we should get started on our vows.

Pen in hand, we looked in her purse for paper. Hmmm. No paper.

Being adept at solving problems, we both reached for the magazine in the back seat pocket. Wifey got it first and tore out the crossword puzzle page because there was an almost blank sheet behind it. I can see it now, “Do you, wifey, take 2-down, as your lawfully wedded 17-across.”

At any rate, I decided to just use the napkin on my pull-down tray. Wifey asked if that was wise to use a paper napkin that might disintegrate. Good point I thought. So I made sure to keep my cup of water off of it so as not to smudge anything.

Write, write, write.

Just an hour to get it done. The pressure was on.. However, we didn’t need the whole hour. Heck, we only needed 10 minutes! Wifey was peeved I got mine done so fast. I think she was just mad because I finished before she did. Well, perhaps raising my hands and yelling, “I WIN!” was bad form. I dunno. I will go with poor loser on her part.

So the plane touched down. And as mentioned, we had 4 days until the wedding. So we got busy with wedding plan stuffs.

We went to the beach. We had dinner with my parents. We went swimming again. My parents threw a picnic for us and for wifey’s parents and wifey’s 4 friends who flew in. Then we went to the beach again.

Ok, we DID fit in getting our marriage license. And in fact, we had the wedding rehearsal to go to as well.

At one point the priest asked us if we had our vows ready. We said yup, yup and that we had written our own. Preacher dude said it would be a good idea to get the cards to the wedding planner so that we didn’t forget them back at the hotel room.

When the priest wasn’t looking wifey turned to me and silently mouthed, “Cards?”

So yeah, after the rehearsal we went to buy each of us a card to put our vows in. We decided to get these nice looking Hawaiian cards. Nice keepsakes I think.

(Wifey’s Wedding Vow Card)

(Greg’s Wedding Vow Card0

Later that night, I believe it was 8:30pm or so, we got out our vows and painstakingly and meticulously transcribed them to our official vow cards. We wanted to make sure we had everything just right. No fussing around. We knew what our priorities were.

At 8:32pm we shoved the finished cards into our “give to wedding planner folder” and decided to go for a late night beach swim.

Fast forward to the actual wedding. No go a bit further please. Yes … right there.

Ok, so at the point in the program where we are to read our wedding vows, the priest had me going first. I start to read. Then all of a sudden wifey starts to giggle.

I keep reading, but I heard one of her bridesmaids asking the other one if things are okay as wifey is laughing. The priest looks confused too.

Later, wifey reads hers. Ceremony done. I am sure our parents and family and friends are wondering what was going on. Because seriously, my vows were super awesome. Here, take a look.

(Greg’s wedding vows)

What wifey quickly figured out was that I had indeed snuck a certain line in.

Can you see it?


Here, let me help you out.

(OBEY hahahaha)

So back to the point of this blog. Yes, I know it took a long time getting there, but having some context will help you see the validity of my side of this. I mean, wifey eventually knew it was in the vows. It IS our official vow document of record. And wifey did sign the marriage license. The marriage license was validated by witnesses. So vows must be followed right? Right? RIGHT?

To each of you reading, you may not agree with me.
And well, that’s ok too.
Keeping a good relationship is more important anyway.
Everything will be fine I know.

Maybe I make too big an issue of this.
Yet, maybe not?

So I had better end this.
I think its getting too long.
Don’t you?
Everyone have a good day!

(And a bonus photo of my late grandmother ... in front of the 1,000 cranes)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HILLSLUG98239 10/27/2014 4:03PM

    We were married in Las Vegas, seated in a convertible pink Cadillac, at a drive-through wedding chapel, with an Elvis impersonator as one of our witnesses. Despite the fact we'd never seen the officiant before, and I couldn't tell you her name unless I looked at our marriage license, the ceremony was beautiful and completely appropriate for us. (And I'm sure it was just as beautiful and touching for the couple in the Corolla who pulled in behind us.)

We did a "do-over" at our reception several months later (after I'd taken the bar exam), so my dad could walk me down the aisle and so our families could see us "get married." Jim had a co-worker who was a licensed minister in a very traditional Christian religion. His primary selling point is that he was willing to do it for free, and we knew he wouldn't drink any booze because his faith disdains alcohol as much as it does the idea of a woman pastor. His vows including the admonition that The Hubs was to be the head of our household, and I would love, honor, and obey him. The Hubs and I were face-to-face when he said that, and I could read the "please, honey, do not make a scene" look on his face. I wouldn't have, any way, because this guy was getting paid with a piece of cake, and, well, making a scene at my own "wedding" would have been rude.

Later, several of our friends - actually, I think it was everyone - commented on the "head of the household" bit. I reminded them, and The Hubs, that we were married under the Las Vegas contract, and that contract is binding, and it can only be amended by consent of both parties. And I'm sure he doesn't want that job any more than I want the subservient wife job.

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EOSTAR_45 10/27/2014 10:46AM

    TAKE YOUR SIDE?? Good one. emoticon

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IFDEEVARUNS2 10/22/2014 11:39AM

    So YOU vowed to obey!

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MAVERICKDR 10/10/2014 10:31AM

    Very nice work, Greg. All that to get the end, huh? Hope you are cherishing your dear wife, too.


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JUNESHOPE 10/9/2014 11:08PM

    Whew!... long blog emoticon , but interesting... emoticon

Well, it actually looks to me, like the OBEY is on YOUR side... All those things you are telling her you will do for her, spell out OBEY, as if you are saying you will obey her! LOL

If I were wifey....I would be just fine with that! hehehe

Your Grandmother's photos is precious.

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GHK1962 10/9/2014 12:32PM

    Well ... my attempt at subliminally influencing you all has apparently not worked. I believe only Aponi_KB got it!

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LORENVER 10/9/2014 7:15AM

    Yah 100 cranes! Did the family make them?
Anyway, I am amazed your wift realized what you were doing while you were saying it, I am way to SLOW for that. She is one sharp uh, sharpie! Or maybe she just knows you too well.

And she still said yes,...

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TWESTEN1 10/8/2014 8:07PM

    Hahaha! What Sparky said :)

Your grandma was beautiful & the hanging crane thing amazing! I'm glad you still have the one crane in your car.

I must say, it was pretty genius of you to get it in there... and I have NO idea why wifey wouldn't want to obey YOU?!!! Hmmmm

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SPARKASAURUS 10/8/2014 7:08PM

    Oh my, what a blog!
Be thankful you HAVE a wife after that little stunt.
Even my husband tries to pull the 'obey' line on me.
You need to kiss that woman.

Comment edited on: 10/8/2014 7:09:17 PM

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PICKIE98 10/8/2014 2:58PM

    You little stinker you!! I believe it reads "obey", but later on you will hear yourself saying, "O,boy!" when you discover that she wears the grass skirt in the family anyway!! haha!!
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ROBBIEY 10/8/2014 2:08PM

  emoticon emoticon

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APONI_KB 10/8/2014 2:03PM

    HA I see what you did there.

Your grandmother looks like she was quite a character. I like the cranes. I can actually do that. I had a page a day origami calendar. They get harder and harder so by midyear I had litlte paperwads. I did learn how to make cranes from a dollar bill so the waiter doesn't know how little of a tip I'm leaving.

I'm pretty sure wedding vows should contain the promise to "always have my back".

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MM11113 10/8/2014 1:59PM


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Why I Can’t Get Dressed Up For Halloween on October 31st

Wednesday, October 01, 2014


I have to formally warn and notify you that this particular blog post has zero Spark-worthiness.

But I have a reason for writing a non-Sparktacular blog. Mainly, because I don’t want to.

But to a lesser extent, it’s because I don’t want to repeat the mistakes of the past. You see, I normally have only enough of a moral compass to write a single Sparkable blog post a month. But this past September I think I actually managed 5 or 6 of them. And we just can’t have that happening right? So it is my goal to refrain from Sparkly blog posts until at least the last half of the month. In that way I can potentially avert the mis-steps of the last month.

So on to the topic at hand.

You might be wondering why I’m writing about Halloween so far in advance of that auspicious day. Well, it’s because I like to think I am a get ‘er done kind of guy. In reality, I just like writing about ninjas and zombies and crap. So yeah, we’re about to get our stealthy brain-eating groove on …

Before I actually let you know why I can’t get dressed up in costume fantastic, I will go through the options I did have in mind. In numbered list fashion of course.

1 – Ninja
Yes, yes. This was my first choice. Stealth. The ultimate master of nighttime assassins. This would have been an excellent choice. I’d ring the doorbell on all-hallows eve. As the door opened, silent death would fly out in the form of several 5-pointed shurikens. Admittedly they’d be paper ninja stars. But as they bounced off the unsuspecting candy giver-outer, who would obviously be taken aback by such a vicious attack, I’d calmly step in, grab the entire candy bowl. And slip off. Into the night. Into the wind. “I am ninja,” they would hear in the eerie echos of the dark

Alas … this will not be.

2 – Zombie
Another excellent choice if I do say so myself. And I do say so. But this one does have a drawback I admit. What if in costume no one realizes I am in costume? I mean – the finger I would have fall off in zombie fashion may go unnoticed … as my normal 6-fingered hand has an extra thumb. And when said finger falls off, it would look like a normal hand. Damn people. They need to pay more attention.

3 – SparkGuy
He’d be an excellent choice to dress up as. I mean seriously, the dude has like 52 bazillion Spark friends. You’re probably one of them. With so many friends, it’s highly likely that I’d be “recognized.” And being “friends” I might get an extra handful of candy. The downside is that it would be Spark Friends. And they’d likely give me a stoopid apple or something. I want candy damnit.

4 – Pirate
Ok, not me. But my pup. The one who recently had to have his left eye removed. He’d go as pirate pup. I could sit him on my shoulder. As we walked up to the candy giver-outer he could say, “Arrrrrrrrf. I be a pirate dog. Arfffffffffff.” Dog are cute. Even one-eyed ones. We’d totally score on the treat booty.

5 – The most scariest costume of all
Yeah, a lazy couch potato. Maybe I could add some melted butter and a dollop of lard as toppings. But I’m not sure I would be able to get out of my house doorway. No, I’d end up just sitting my couch potato costumed self on the real couch and eat a real potato as I watched tv.

So, suffice to say, all good ideas. But all for naught. Because on October 31st I will be busy. I will be out awaiting the witching hour. Midnight, October 31st. And as the second hand clicks just past midnight … November 1st, 12:00:01 am …

NaNoWriMo starts.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SMILINGTREE 10/14/2014 9:29AM

    I did NaNoWWriMo last year (and fully expected to have a published novel or two by now -- hahahha!) and it was a good experience. Good luck.

But why can't you write in costume?

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OPTIMIST1948 10/8/2014 6:08AM

    Great way to plan. Just remember to put that leftover candy FAAAR away from you. What are you going to be working on for NaNoWrMo.

I travel with my son door to door. My husband stays home and gives out candy.

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LIVIN4LISH 10/4/2014 9:32AM

    I think you should go out on Halloween and drink lots a' beer. That would make for an interesting start to NoNoWriMo!

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FIT4MEIN2013 10/3/2014 1:25PM

    What an awesome blog! All blogs do not have to be fitness relates (as you can tell from mine!). The purpose of a blog is to convey your thoughts of the day. Readers can then bond- or not- with who you are. Personally? I think you are awesome!

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SPARKASAURUS 10/3/2014 7:23AM

    omg. crazy or not, you're funny as hell-o kitty.

please, PLEASE be a ninja! it's how I get my kids to walk down the hall quieter than any class- they have to all be ninjas. emoticon

and now I must check out this writing challenge.

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SBEAR5 10/2/2014 10:06AM

    well, I had to google "NaNoWriMo" haha.

Great ideas for dressing up... :)

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MAVERICKDR 10/2/2014 8:45AM

    Pirate.You might get rich. Pirates don't hijack ships just for candy. Ask Captain Phillips! emoticon

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TWESTEN1 10/2/2014 7:40AM

    Spark Guy - bwahaha! That was funny. I unfriended him b/c our relationship felt fake - he greeted me then was gone :) Fortunately I have read previous blogs so now I know all about your writing month. Will we get a novel out of you, or just more whacky blogs?! I can't wait to find out.

p.s. Please dress up as ninja & do said antics. I would LOVE to read a story in the news about a crazy man dressed up as a ninja attacking families (with paper ninja stars) and stealing their candy. That would fill me with immense joy for months. Just saying!

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LORENVER 10/2/2014 7:24AM

    When i started reading this I was thinking Dog Pirate! Then I saw it on this list. Just too good to pass up. I think I will dress up but I dont know as what. DH and I pass out candy. DH LOVES to see all the costumes so he handels the door duties. Sometimes we watch (non-scary) monster movies.

OH OH and since Halloween is actually on a FRIDAY that means I could stay up to start writing at 1201, but I am a sleepy person and will probably go to bed by 9 like I normally do on Fridays. Yah, I'm one of the cool kids emoticon .

PS the spark guy one made me laugh.

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POOKASLUAGH 10/2/2014 7:21AM

    (PS - You got me to comment on a blog for the first time in like a month...that was your goal, wasn't it??)

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POOKASLUAGH 10/2/2014 7:20AM

    YES! NaNoWriMo!!

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