Tuesday, July 05, 2011
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Monday, July 04, 2011
OLD PERSON PRIDE
I'm passing this on as I did not want to be the only old person receiving it.
Actually, it's not a bad thing to be called, as you will see.
•Old People are easy to spot at sporting events; during the playing of the
National Anthem. Old People remove their caps and stand at attention and
sing without embarrassment. They know the words and believe in them.
•Old People remember World War II, Pearl Harbor, Guadalcanal , Normandy and
Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War, The Cold War, the Jet
Age and the Moon Landing.
•They remember the 50 plus Peace-keeping Missions from 1945 to 2005, not to mention Vietnam.
•If you bump into an Old Person on the sidewalk he will apologize.
•If you pass an Old Person on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady.
•Old People trust strangers and are courtly to women.
•Old People hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.
•Old People get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and children and they don't like any filth or dirty language on TV or in movies.
•Old People have moral courage and personal integrity. They seldom brag unless it's about their children or grandchildren.
•It's the Old People who know our great country is protected by the young men and women in the military serving their country.
This country needs Old People with their work ethic, sense of responsibility, pride in their country and decent values.
Friday, July 01, 2011
An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
At 6 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Pecans in the Cemetery
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old, pecan tree just
inside the cemetery fence.
One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree,
out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. 'One for you, one for me, one
for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward
Along came another boy riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed,
he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to
investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you,
one for me...' He just knew what it was.
He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old
man with a cane, hobbling along. 'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you
won't believe what I heard! Satan and The Lord are down at the cemetery
dividing up the souls!' The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard
for me to walk.'
When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you,
one for me.' The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling me the
truth." Let's see if we can see the Lord...?
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to
see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the
fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get
those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...?"
They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on
the bike passed him.
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