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29 Lines to Make You Smile

Thursday, June 30, 2011


1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CORNERKICK 7/8/2011 10:35PM


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RURABE 7/5/2011 2:56AM

    Great! emoticon emoticon

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ALASKAPSYCH 7/1/2011 8:01AM

    Numbers 23 and 29 made me laugh audibly! Loved it. Thanks for the giggle. Hope your ankle is better soon. c

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ROBBIE53 7/1/2011 7:43AM

    I may have to use sosme of these on FB, loved it!

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VENISEW1 6/30/2011 9:04PM

    emoticonI love your blogs!

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PEGGY-BEE 6/30/2011 11:23AM

    brought a smile to my face! thanks

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DARKANGEL062 6/30/2011 10:53AM

    Cool 29 smiles and a little laugh. emoticon

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CURVYCC 6/30/2011 10:49AM


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THETURTLEBEAR 6/30/2011 10:29AM

    Especially loved the gene pool one!

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Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Pecans in the Cemetery

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old, pecan tree just
inside the cemetery fence.

One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree,
out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. 'One for you, one for me, one
for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward
the fence.

Along came another boy riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed,
he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to
investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you,
one for me...' He just knew what it was.

He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old
man with a cane, hobbling along. 'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you
won't believe what I heard! Satan and The Lord are down at the cemetery
dividing up the souls!' The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard
for me to walk.'

When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you,
one for me.' The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling me the
truth." Let's see if we can see the Lord...?

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to
see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the
fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get
those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...?"

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on
the bike passed him.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JENNI_ROCK 6/30/2011 2:13AM

    Good one!

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ROBBIE53 6/29/2011 6:50PM

    hahahah! Thanks for the laugh!

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SUGARPUNK52 6/29/2011 11:45AM

  Thanks for the laugh!

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1CRAZYDOG 6/29/2011 11:26AM

    emoticon emoticon

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THETURTLEBEAR 6/29/2011 10:57AM

    HA HA HA!

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NANCYRUBIO 6/29/2011 10:50AM

    Thanks I really need a joke.

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SWEESIN 6/29/2011 10:42AM

    I loved it!

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Tuesday, June 28, 2011

> Tour boats ferry people out to the USS Arizona Memorial in Hawaii every thirty minutes.
> We just missed a ferry and had to wait thirty minutes.
> I went into a small gift shop to kill time.
> In the gift shop, I purchased a small book entitled, "Reflections on Pearl Harbor" by Admiral Chester Nimitz.
> Sunday, December 7th, 1941--Admiral Chester Nimitz was attending a concert in Washington D.C.
> He was paged and told there was a phone call for him.
> When he answered the phone, it was President Franklin Delano Roosevelt.
> He told Admiral Nimitz that he (Nimitz) would now be the Commander of the Pacific Fleet.
> Admiral Nimitz flew to Hawaii to assume command of the Pacific Fleet.
> He landed at Pearl Harbor on Christmas Eve, 1941.
> There was such a spirit of despair, dejection and defeat--you would have thought the Japanese had already won the war.
> On Christmas Day, 1941, Adm. Nimitz was given a boat tour of the destruction wrought on Pearl Harbor by the Japanese.
> Big sunken battleships and navy vessels cluttered the waters every where you looked.
> As the tour boat returned to dock, the young helmsman of the boat asked, "Well Admiral, what do you think after seeing all this destruction?"
> Admiral Nimitz's reply shocked everyone within the sound of his voice.
> Admiral Nimitz said, "The Japanese made three of the biggest mistakes an attack force could ever make, or God was taking care of America. Which do you think it was?"
> Shocked and surprised, the young helmsman asked, "What do mean by saying the Japanese made the three biggest mistakes an attack force ever made?"
> Nimitz explained:
> Mistake number one: the Japanese attacked on Sunday morning. Nine out of every ten crewmen of those ships were ashore on leave. If those same ships had been lured to sea and been sunk--we would have lost 38,000 men instead of 3,800.
> Mistake number two: when the Japanese saw all those battleships lined in a row, they got so carried away sinking those battleships, they never once bombed our dry docks opposite those ships.
> If they had destroyed our dry docks, we would have had to tow everyone of those ships to America to be repaired. As it is now, the ships are in shallow water and can be raised.. One tug can pull them over to the dry docks, and we can have them repaired and at sea by the time we could have towed them to America.
> And I already have crews ashore anxious to man those ships.
> Mistake number three: Every drop of fuel in the Pacific theater of war is on top of the ground in storage tanks five miles away over that hill.
> One attack plane could have strafed those tanks and destroyed our fuel supply.
> That's why I say the Japanese made three of the biggest mistakes an attack force could make, or God was taking care of America.
> I've never forgotten what I read in that little book.
> It is still an inspiration as I reflect upon it.
> In jest, I might suggest that because Admiral Nimitz was a Texan, born and raised in Fredricksburg, Texas -- he was a born optimist.
> But anyway you look at it--Admiral Nimitz was able to see a silver lining in a situation and circumstance where everyone else saw only despair and defeatism.
> President Roosevelt had chosen the right man for the right job.
> We desperately needed a leader that could see silver linings in the midst of the clouds of dejection, despair and defeat.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ROBBIE53 6/29/2011 6:53PM

    This is a great story. We can all learn a lesson from it.

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THETURTLEBEAR 6/28/2011 3:17PM

    Awesome! My sister was stationed in Hawaii her first billet as a USMC officer, back in the eighties. We toured the Arizona memorial when I visited her, and it was so moving. Reading your blog brought back memories.

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4ANEWME2DAY 6/28/2011 1:55PM

    We need to have that same optimism in our healthy lifestyle journey. We will make mistakes but we will succeed. emoticon emoticon

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I Don't Think I'll Die Too Soon

Sunday, June 26, 2011

I have read all of the health articles on Spark People and I'm on my second read. I need those three points! Anyway, I've determined that I'm not going to die too soon. A lot of the ailments say that it's bad if you're losing weight with no explanation. That leaves me out of at least 50%. About 75% said you shouldn't smoke. I don't so that takes me to about 90 percent. The other small percentage are rare or inherited. None of my relatives have died from a strange disease. So, being overweight, there are only a few diseases. Now that I'm exercising and eating properly, I'm hoping to keep the boogie man away.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

1CRAZYDOG 6/27/2011 5:24PM

    Good for you and I hope it stays that way!

Thanks for your comment on my blog. It's hard definitely. My DS was hospitalized when he was 16 - - twice. UGH. If ANYTHING he learned sunk in, it would be sooooo worth it. Unfortunately nothing sunk in. Oh well. All we can do as parents is our best and the rest is up to them.

I don't know what the 14 yr. old is struggling with, but best wishes for a good outcome.

Comment edited on: 6/27/2011 5:24:45 PM

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ROBBIE53 6/27/2011 6:49AM

    It's good that you don't have any health risks. Let me know if you've found any of the articles helpful.

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TEDDYTEDDY 6/27/2011 6:40AM

    I got a rare disease that sounds terrible (myasthenia gravis) but it turns out it could just continue to bother only my eyes (and I have medication I take 3 times a day that completely takes care of that).

I was always worried I would get ALS (my aunt had that, but she lived 30 years after diagnosis). So far none of my strange ailments have been ALS....knock on wood.

We can worry all day long but essentially it won't change any disease except all that worrying can be hard on your general health and sometimes even can make heart disease quit worrying.. emoticon

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BLACKROSE_222 6/26/2011 11:48PM

    Every step forward is a step closer towards healthy. Good for you, for reading these articles!

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Useless Invention

Thursday, June 23, 2011

I saw an infomercial on TV for a banana ice cream maker. This may be a good product but you don't need it. It takes frozen bananas and puts them through a grinder to mash them up. You can do this yourself. I have done it but I didn't like the taste. I love bananas but the flavor was too intensely banana. You freeze the bananas and the put them in a blender or better yet, a food processor. Chop until you have a creamy mixture.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CORNERKICK 6/26/2011 3:46PM

  It would probably be better with a few chocolate chips :)

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ROBBIE53 6/26/2011 10:46AM

    I'd rather eat ice cream.

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THETURTLEBEAR 6/24/2011 2:37PM

    Unbelievable that they could get people to buy a machine to do something so specific, when it can easily be done otherwise.

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CINDYHEN 6/24/2011 12:22AM

    I have the Yonanas and I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it! The consistency is more like ice cream. I've tried a blender and a food processor and the product tastes more like a smoothie plus it doesn't seem to come out well without mixing milk or juice with it. The Yonanas is strictly fruit. I don't like really strong banana flavor either so I use a little bit of banana (that's what makes the creamy consistency) and more of other frozen fruits. The recipe book shows how you can use nuts, chocolate, etc. but I haven't tried that.

I don't usually go for the As Seen on TV stuff but I think this one is well worth the money...we're not eating nearly as much ice cream now plus I'm actually using up all the frozen bananas I save! They are supposed to start selling Yonanas at Target and Bed, Bath, Beyond in the next few weeks (no shipping cost that way).

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