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A Big Fat Groaner

Wednesday, June 13, 2012


A papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole,
all live together in a little mole hole.

One day, papa mole sticks his head
out of the hole, sniffs the air and said,
' Yummy! I smell maple syrup!'

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole,
sniffs the air and said, 'Oh, Yummy! I smell honey!'

Now baby mole is trying to stick his head
out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't
because the bigger moles are in the way.
This makes him whine, 'Geez, all I can smell is....


MOL ASSES !

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MOMMA_BEAR_69 6/17/2012 3:55PM

    Really had me laughing out loud!!! Thank you.

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ROBBIE53 6/16/2012 8:44AM

    A real groaner!

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MARJORIEWRIGHT 6/14/2012 10:11AM

    Great groaner!! Thanks for sharing.

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JEANNE229 6/14/2012 9:42AM

    groaner....(Love these)

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MARGEMF 6/14/2012 1:12AM

    I thank-you for my daily dose. emoticon

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0309COOKIE 6/14/2012 12:37AM

    Aaaww, I thouight that one was cute!

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LOSTLIME 6/13/2012 7:50PM

    This is so cute! This is definitely a groaner. But I liked it.

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MERRYMARY42 6/13/2012 7:44PM

    That is real close to the first naughty joke I ever heard when I was a kid, and of course thought it was so funny and nasty. but I haven't changed, it is still funny.

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TWEETYKC00 6/13/2012 3:41PM

    Major groaner but a good one! lol.

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FISHINGLADY66 6/13/2012 1:54PM

    emoticon

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1CRAZYDOG 6/13/2012 11:42AM

    emoticon

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JUDY1676 6/13/2012 11:24AM

    emoticon

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IDLETYME 6/13/2012 11:16AM

    Cute - Nothing wrong with "Groaners"!!! emoticon

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BALDWINJ_03 6/13/2012 11:12AM

    HAHAHA!!! Too cute!

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CHANGEISGOOD 6/13/2012 10:57AM

    Soooo funny! I love it!


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SENATOR9 6/13/2012 10:49AM

    You're killing me Groaner but sooooo funny emoticon

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Funnies

Tuesday, June 12, 2012




While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, I know how you feel. My Mom makes me ride in the stroller too..'
*****
As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing.
After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them..'
*****
Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old Granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now.
Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway.'
******

Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children..
One day, I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she screamed. 'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's not polite behavior.' With that, the girl yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank you!
******
On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, 'Dad, I know babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?' After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, 'You don't have to make up something, Dad. It's okay if you don't know the answer.'
*****
Just before I was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him. 'I'm going to be away for a long time,' I told him. 'I'm going to Iraq ..' 'Why?' he asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going on over there?'
*****
Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood
Diseases. One afternoon, he and is wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know Newman was a famous movie star, explained, that's the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?' Blank stares. 'Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.' An eight-year-old girl perked up. 'How long was he missing?'
*****
... And my personal favorite ..God's Problem Now:

His wife's graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little, old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MARGEMF 6/26/2012 4:15AM

    emoticon Geri for the chuckles & my daily dose! emoticon

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ROBBIE53 6/16/2012 8:43AM

    emoticon

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MARJORIEWRIGHT 6/12/2012 11:14PM

    emoticon

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VENISEW1 6/12/2012 11:12PM

    Love it!

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FISHINGLADY66 6/12/2012 8:34PM

    emoticon

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TWEETYKC00 6/12/2012 8:11PM

    Gotta love them!

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JANIEWWJD 6/12/2012 8:07PM

    That is just too cute!!! emoticon

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MERRYMARY42 6/12/2012 7:04PM

    yep, she is there emoticon

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SENATOR9 6/12/2012 1:01PM

    emoticon

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1CRAZYDOG 6/12/2012 11:28AM

    As always, makes me emoticon

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JUDY1676 6/12/2012 10:43AM

    Some good ones! emoticon

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IDLETYME 6/12/2012 10:41AM

    They are all cute but I'm with you - the last one is the best!! emoticon emoticon

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Women's Revenge

Monday, June 11, 2012

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'




UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.



WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position..
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'


WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'


CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!



WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the Old Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .'HEBREWS'


The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM ..' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM . Wake up..'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.


God may have created man before woman, but there is always a
rough draft before the masterpiece

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MARGEMF 6/21/2012 10:39PM

    Oh so true! Thank-you for my daily dose. emoticon

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IDLETYME 6/12/2012 1:02PM

    So Funny!!! emoticon

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SENATOR9 6/12/2012 1:00PM

    emoticon

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KOFFEENUT 6/11/2012 11:52PM

    I had to read SEVERAL of these out loud to my husband!

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FISHINGLADY66 6/11/2012 9:51PM

    emoticon

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1CRAZYDOG 6/11/2012 6:12PM

    Too funny!!

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TWEETYKC00 6/11/2012 3:17PM

    Wonderful! Men have so much learning to do!

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MARJORIEWRIGHT 6/11/2012 2:46PM

    emoticon emoticon

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HAPPYONE331 6/11/2012 2:25PM

    Love it!! Just wait til my first draft gets home!!

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JUDY1676 6/11/2012 1:31PM

    What great comebacks! emoticon

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YOBETHIE 6/11/2012 1:05PM

    emoticon
You always add a smile to my day!

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4AMAZINGME 6/11/2012 12:31PM

    Hilarious emoticon

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The Pastor's Ass

Sunday, June 10, 2012

The Pastor's Ass



The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and

it won.



The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey

that he entered it in the

race again and it won again.



The local paper read:

PASTOR'S

ASS OUT FRONT.



The Bishop was so upset with this kind of

publicity that he ordered

the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.



The next day the local paper headline

read:



BISHOP

SCRATCHES

PASTOR'S

ASS.



This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid

of the donkey.



The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a

nearby convent.



The local paper, hearing of the news, posted

the following headline

the

next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.



The Bishop fainted.



He informed the Nun that she would have to

get rid of the donkey so

she

sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:



NUN

SELLS ASS FOR $10.



This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the

donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.



The next day the headlines read:



NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.



The Bishop was buried the next day.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MARGEMF 6/14/2012 1:10AM

    emoticon Geri, this is just what i needed! : )

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WILSON425 6/12/2012 1:50PM

    emoticon

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JANIEWWJD 6/12/2012 12:51AM

    Funny emoticon

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JOANNS4 6/11/2012 10:06PM

    emoticon

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PHEBESS 6/11/2012 2:15PM

    Too funny!!!!!

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MERRYMARY42 6/11/2012 12:12PM

    another one that I did not know the ending to, good one

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TAGSUIT2 6/11/2012 11:11AM

    emoticon Wow that was a lot of ass going around!!

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JUDY1676 6/11/2012 10:42AM

    emoticon

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MARJORIEWRIGHT 6/11/2012 9:15AM

    emoticon

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YOBETHIE 6/11/2012 8:34AM

    Sad thing is, I could see all that happening in our town . . . only with Baptists!

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JEANNE229 6/11/2012 8:30AM

    :)

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SENATOR9 6/11/2012 8:27AM

    emoticon

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CLAVINOVA 6/11/2012 8:03AM

    Love it - thanks for the laughs!

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ROBBIE53 6/11/2012 7:27AM

    lol

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TWEETYKC00 6/11/2012 5:54AM

    Good One!

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SPARKL3 6/10/2012 10:46PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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NASFKAB 6/10/2012 10:45PM

  funny

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1CRAZYDOG 6/10/2012 10:36PM

    YIKES! Poor bishop!

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ROCKYCPA 6/10/2012 10:00PM

    emoticon

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Chili Cookoff (Long but really funny)

Saturday, June 09, 2012


New Mexico Chili Cook-off This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico .

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges,
the reaction of the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in New Mexico , you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza . Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chile taster named Frank, who was visiting from Gering , Nebraska .

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges ( Native New Mexicans ) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3 ."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This woman is starting to look HOT ... Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- No report



=

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MARGEMF 6/28/2012 12:20AM

    Thank-you Geri. I'm glad I don't like chili.

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WILSON425 6/12/2012 1:48PM

    I love my chilli hot and spicy! Judge #3 was not up to the job! emoticon

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MERRYMARY42 6/10/2012 7:35PM

    OMG, I can not believe how much I laughed, copied it and e-mailed it to my DH, he will love it too

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IDLETYME 6/10/2012 9:03AM

    So funny! Started my morning out with a bang!! emoticon

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SENATOR9 6/10/2012 7:36AM

    emoticon

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JANIEWWJD 6/10/2012 12:32AM

    That was really funny, and I still love chilli; really hot chilli, LOL!!!!
emoticon emoticon

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MARJORIEWRIGHT 6/9/2012 9:58PM

    Oh my gosh!!! That was hilarious!! My husband and I were rolling around laughing at that one. It took me a few time to read quite a few of those. emoticon

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1CRAZYDOG 6/9/2012 8:56PM

    OMG! Went through a box of kleenex which I used to wipe my eyes cuz I was laughing so hard! This is absolutely the best.

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TWEETYKC00 6/9/2012 7:29PM

    This made my day! Sounds like the kinds of food my family makes to scare away the wimps! lol.

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0309COOKIE 6/9/2012 7:27PM

    That was very funny. I had seen it once before, but it was good to read it again for a good laugh.

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JUDY1676 6/9/2012 7:18PM

    emoticon

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TAGSUIT2 6/9/2012 7:08PM

    emoticon emoticon Thank you for making my day. I have laugh so hard that I am crying. This is so hilarious, never pick a judge from Nebraska, who is looking for a coors beer truck.

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YOBETHIE 6/9/2012 4:55PM

    HAHAHAHHAAAA
I was laughing so hard I had tears running down my face!
emoticon

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POPEYETHETURTLE 6/9/2012 4:16PM

    Nebraska?

In Nebraska, Chili comes in a can with only half of one small (seeded) pepper available.

If you don't have to wear gloves as you are putting in the chiles, you're making it for ages four and under. Plus, PLUS, Real chili doesn't contain tomato. It gets its color from the chiles. It's also made with chunks and shreds of beef - not hamburger.

If you make it with hamburger and it has any "red slime" added, you can tell. The ammonia rinsed filler floats to the top and catches on fire. The same thing happens if you use beef that has been "meat glued".

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