The Ventriloquist and the Blonde

Monday, February 27, 2012

A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and, one night, he's doing a show in
a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through
his usual dumb blonde jokes.



Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts
shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you
think you can stereotype Swedish blond women that way? What does the color
of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like
you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the
community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like
you that make others think that all Blondes are dumb! You and your kind
continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in
general...pathetically all in the name of humor!"



The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:



"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little creep on your lap."

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A Bible For Mom

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors

and lawyers.

One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed

the Christmas gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved

to Florida.

The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, " And I had a large theatre built in the house."

The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you

know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this

preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible.

It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to

contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was

worth it. Mama only has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will

recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her

Thank You notes.

She wrote, "Milton, the house you built is so huge that I live in only

one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries

delivered, so never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theatre with Dolby sound and it can

hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing

and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just


the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a


little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much."



Love, Mom

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Good Bye Mom

Saturday, February 25, 2012

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.


She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved and smiled back at him..

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk..

"How come so much? I only bought 5 items."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."

Bet you thought this was going to be a tear jerker.
Don't trust Little Old Ladies!!!



BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED, FOR THEY ARE THE ONES WHO LET IN THE "LIGHT"!

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Irish Alzheimer's

Friday, February 24, 2012

Joke will follow announcement.

I want to appologize to everyone. I love putting my jokes on this page. I love all the Sparkers who read and respond to them. And I'm committed to thanking each and everyone of you. However, today I turned on my e-mail and there were 148 responses to my blog. I cannot thank everyone. I will continue blogging jokes because I believe everyone needs to laugh. However, if I get more than 50 replies just know in your hearts that I thank you and appreciate you all.



Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday & the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass.What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat & I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine & I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass & figured he would leave it in the back ofchurch. So, I was going to leave after Communion & steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile & said; “After I talked about ' Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery ', I remembered where I left me hat.”

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Hanging by a Boob

Thursday, February 23, 2012

While conducting some business at the Courthouse, I overheard a lady, who
had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician, say,
"Your Honor, I'm guilty but . . . there were extenuating circumstances."

The female Judge said, sarcastically, "I'd certainly like to hear those
extenuating circumstances."

I did too, soooo I listened as the lady told her story.

"Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was
met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear and she
tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Hi! I'm Belinda! All I need you
to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on
this gown. Everything clear?"

I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science." Belinda
then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left
and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we
can get everything?" Fine, I answered.

I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the
remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body was in
a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between
those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a zap!

Complete darkness, the power was off!

Belinda said, "Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag." Then
she headed for the door.

"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open
so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."

Before I could shout NOOOO! She disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba
and Earl, "maintenance men Extraordinaire" found me...half-naked with part
of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!

After exchanging a polite Hi, how's it going type greeting, Bubba (or
possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as
possible, "Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway."

"OK, you take care now" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd
been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no
attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry! The
power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went
to lunch. Are we upset?"

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the
clamps..."

The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said "Case Dismissed".

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