Friday, February 24, 2012
Joke will follow announcement.
I want to appologize to everyone. I love putting my jokes on this page. I love all the Sparkers who read and respond to them. And I'm committed to thanking each and everyone of you. However, today I turned on my e-mail and there were 148 responses to my blog. I cannot thank everyone. I will continue blogging jokes because I believe everyone needs to laugh. However, if I get more than 50 replies just know in your hearts that I thank you and appreciate you all.
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday & the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass.What made ya come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat & I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine & I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass & figured he would leave it in the back ofchurch. So, I was going to leave after Communion & steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile & said; “After I talked about ' Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"
Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery ', I remembered where I left me hat.”
Thursday, February 23, 2012
While conducting some business at the Courthouse, I overheard a lady, who
had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician, say,
"Your Honor, I'm guilty but . . . there were extenuating circumstances."
The female Judge said, sarcastically, "I'd certainly like to hear those
I did too, soooo I listened as the lady told her story.
"Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was
met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear and she
tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Hi! I'm Belinda! All I need you
to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on
this gown. Everything clear?"
I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science." Belinda
then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors
With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left
and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we
can get everything?" Fine, I answered.
I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the
remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body was in
a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between
those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a zap!
Complete darkness, the power was off!
Belinda said, "Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag." Then
she headed for the door.
"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I shouted.
Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open
so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."
Before I could shout NOOOO! She disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba
and Earl, "maintenance men Extraordinaire" found me...half-naked with part
of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!
After exchanging a polite Hi, how's it going type greeting, Bubba (or
possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.
Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as
possible, "Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway."
"OK, you take care now" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd
been standing in the line at the grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no
attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry! The
power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went
to lunch. Are we upset?"
And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the
The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said "Case Dismissed".
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
A Texas pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Klu Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again, all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject,
and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular
cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of
cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens
the voice bellowed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of
the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.
The voice came once more,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
She stopped, looked skyward! and said,
"IS THAT YOU LORD?"
The voice replied,
"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK!"
Monday, February 20, 2012
Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.
Later that night Aunt Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
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