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The battle of the cookie dough

Friday, December 13, 2013

My boyfriend and I are taking a trip to Tennessee to visit his family and he wants to bring Christmas cookies. I love baking cookies, especially Christmas cookies, and he has little experience with baking. So I did most of the work with making the dough and he helped where he could. It was fun! The difficult part was that he picked sugar cookies for us to make and they needed to chill overnight. Because of that we made the dough up early.

Brings us to last night when we realized we wanted to add food coloring to half the dough and try making these spirally colored cookies. To do this we needed to unchill half the dough and mix in the dye. The mixing was difficult. The end had to be done by hand. Hands ended up covered in delicious smelling cookie dough...

My cravings totally kicked in. I asked him to taste some to see if it turned out ok (and mostly because having him eat a bit let me live vicariously through him). We were supposed to then chill the dough again and we'd roll it out tonight and finish up. He was having a night out with friends as he does every Thursday. I was going to be left home, alone, with the cookie dough.


I wanted it. I had some calories left for the day but I really had no idea how many calories were in the dough. I let myself have a tiny tiny taste, but I did NOT want to give in. These were for family. I just couldn't handle it. I knew I couldn't handle it with them just being in amorphous blobs of dough in the fridge. a small bit missing from a blob of dough wouldn't be missed. It is too easy to hide. I didn't want to eat half the cookie dough and come the next day be like "oh I guess that recipe didn't make as much as I thought it would". I had to do something.

So, I acted. I took the dough and rolled it out and rolled out the colored dough and rolled them up to get the spiral design. Then I wrapped them back up and put them away. I reasoned with myself that while a blob of dough you could take some off of, a clearly rolled log of dough would be too obvious if some was missing, pulled or cut off.

Then I had some sherbert and later tea with PB on toast cause I was hungry. I didn't have any more than my initial taste of the dough. I fought through the cravings and won. I think this is the first time I've had a serious urge and opportunity to binge since I've gotten back on track (about 2 months now). I am really proud of myself for fighting it off and finding a way to trick the binge monster into subsiding. It is scary to know that it is still there, waiting, but I also feel reassured that even that can be conquered.

I will make more cookies this Christmas season and go into it hopeful. It will be a challenge. I have won the first battle. I may not win them all, and, importantly, winning doesn't mean never having any cookies. Winning is being in control. Having a cookie because I want to, when I want to. Food is not my master. I am a conscious participant in what I choose to go into my body.

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RUDITUDI2000 12/19/2013 12:38PM

    I know all about this did great! emoticon

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GENTLEDSOUL 12/17/2013 7:22AM

    Thank you for your support and comments. The cookies have all made it safely to their destinations and the house is safe once more. For now.... :)

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BOPPY_ 12/13/2013 11:37PM

    Doh! You didn't eat the dough. emoticon

Both I, and Homer are proud of you. emoticon

'Tis the Season, ... to be cautious.

Tra, la, la, la, la ... emoticon

Congrats, (You: emoticon )

Lee emoticon

Comment edited on: 12/13/2013 11:38:32 PM

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SMITTY4RL 12/13/2013 8:41PM

    Oh, you did really good with those cravings. Someone I dearly love sent me a box of cookies in the mail yesterday--I didn't do as well as you, lol. Congrats and keep up the great work!

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DIANE7786 12/13/2013 4:01PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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Back on Track

Thursday, November 07, 2013

I lost 125 lbs over about a year, and over the following year gained 105 back. I was bingeing and over eating and it felt awful. I am not here to beat myself up for how I got back up to over 300lbs again. I can't change the choices I made, but I can make new ones.

I am making new choices. I am back on track with eating better. For the last month I have not binged. In fact finally being able to post that I had succeeded in the 21-days binge free board made me think to write a post here. I have set a calorie range and am sticking to it and the weight is coming off again. It feels good. My first shirt that was too tight to wear is fitting again. I look in the mirror with a positive attitude looking for the changes that come when my body is getting smaller rather than dreading what I see as it gets bigger.

I am not starting the same way I did last time though. While I have a calorie range I also am allowing myself two days a week that I can have food that I might not know the calories of and go over my ranges a bit. I don't think of them as 'cheat days' really, but just a chance to relax a bit from the stricture of counting calories that eventually wore me out the last time. I do still write down what I eat, but I don't stress over the total so much. I give myself this wiggle room for two reasons.

First, as a way to counteract any feelings of deprivation that might crop up if I could never have treats. I think this will help me not start bingeing again even after I lose the weight since I will have been able to have things all along. I also think it lets me take a break and not worry about the calories every second. A weekend is supposed to be relaxing, but if you go out to have a nice dinner and spend the whole time stressed that that breadstick could have 100 or 400 calories and which is it and should I eat that or should I eat this ... it just takes so much fun out of it.

The second reason I am doing this is to actually try to lose weight a bit more slowly. My first time around I lost on average 10 lbs a month, which is about 3 lbs a weeks which is a bit higher than the recommended. I admit it felt good, but my SO thinks (and I think he might be right) that losing so fast might have been less healthy for me and contributed to the regaining. So I set my range for losing 2 lbs a week, but if I have a deficit of 1000 for 5 days, and then go over by 1000 on 2 days that sets me up for still losing 1 lb-ish a week, and if I don't go over by that much I will lose a little more and that is ok too.

So I have been on track with my new eating plan for almost a month now and I am very happy. I am down 10 lbs, actually a bit more than intended, but that was due mostly to a week of illness where I just couldn't eat for a few days. I need to work more exercise into my routine, but life has been making that difficult lately. I have taken steps to add little bits of exercise where I can, but I haven't been to the gym regularly. I am not beating myself up over that. It will happen, and soon, but I can take things one step at a time. I want a healthy life. I am happier when I am healthier and it feels good to be working toward that once more.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TINA8605 11/7/2013 4:58PM

  I, myself have struggled with weight or over 40 years. Yeah, 40. Wow!! I didn't realize it was that long. I just recently got back up to 207.5 (heaviest was 287). I decided it was time to stop the madness....again. I am trying to do it smarter this time and adopt some healthier eating habits that I will continue with...period. I'm not on a "diet" I'm on a healthy eating plan. I have no intention on never eating pizza and blizzards again. Just not right now. When I do, I will have a small one instead of a large one.. I will not start eating it until I am at home, inside the house, Out of the car. and enjoy what ever it is I got. I binge eat as well. But I cleaned out my house of all "naughty food. But that doesn't mean my problem of binge eating is over. I can binge on the healthiest food as well. I have put measuring cups and spoons, and a digital scale on my counter. I don't eat ANYTHING until it has been measured or weighed. I put all leftover foods up and away before I sit down to I again... can enjoy what I'm having. I have learned to enjoy my food. I know this is not the last time I get to eat____. It will be there tomorrow as well. I am battling the butterfingers left over from Halloween right now. I do have one or two even though I shouldn't be eating any. But that's not gonna happen. But I also know I don't have to eat them all at one time. This is not something I usually have on hand. I don't usually buy butterfingers. It is the type of blizzard I love. But I remind myself to enjoy one or two now. The rest will be there later to enjoy.
When you feel like you bottomed out, just remember you can always start your next meal. or even tomorrow morning. As long as you start! You can do this YOU CAN DO THIS!!! emoticon

I'm gonna keep tabs on you. Feel free to contact me ( when you need a little push. Just remember emoticon

Lets go girl Lets do this!!

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JULIERAE41 11/7/2013 1:32PM

    I did the same thing. I lost 112 pounds in about ten months and over the last three years have gained back sixty of it. I understand the thinking on losing too fast. I, too, am a binge eater and have not binged for over three months now. I did not achieve this until I quit dieting altogether. I gained twenty pounds since then but at least I am not bingeing. I also no longer abuse laxatives.
I think you have an amazing victory here. You are finding the balance in your life were food is concerned. I, too, am taking it slow. Getting the wheat back out of my diet first, then will tackle the sugar. trying not to become that slave driver dieter is a challenge since I have a tendency to become obsessive. I get into al or nothing thinking.
You sound like your approach is going to be a lot better. I wish you all the success you reach for. emoticon

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MSFROGGIE 11/7/2013 9:41AM

    Take it one day at a time!! Slow and steady wins the race. This is the time to develop good habits and rid ourselves of the bad. It took me a while to stop the bingeing. I stopped buy the junk and keeping it at the house. I made sure I didn't have cash so I couldn't go to the store to buy the junk. Silly things, I know, but they worked.

Giving you a hug! Keep it up!!

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Thursday, February 21, 2013

So my boyfriend has a soon to be 12 year old daughter. She lives in Tennessee with her grandmother and sometimes her mother. She has been having severe discipline issues. Two weeks ago it came to a head and the grandmother and her aunt (boyfriend's sister) decided that what would be best for her would be to come live with her dad. He was thrilled. I was too for that matter. His daughter, Courtney, also was happy about the prospect.

Happy or not this was no small feat they were asking. His current living situation would not accommodate her. His lease is up in april and he was just about to renew. Basically a huge swerve with us rushing to look at apartments and talking about moving in together and looking at schools. A lot of stress but a lot of happy coming too.

Two weeks go by and another fight at school and a talk with principals at her school and suddenly they don't want her to move down. They say she is getting bullied at school and they want her to try switching schools next year and not 'uprooting' her completely.

I am heartbroken and I am heartbroken for him. I am angry. I feel helpless and toyed with. I have all these pent up emotions and there is nothing I can do. I want to understand the situation but I am too far removed, it would be weird for me to talk to her grandmother. I want to defend my boyfriend's parental rights, but I don't have any ground on my own so I try to make sure he is covering his bases and has asked all the questions but it just comes off like I am mad at him.

I am so upset. I am so hurt. I feel so helpless. I am angry.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MYRTROSE 2/23/2013 2:22PM

    I know your frustration very well. I am on both sides of the coin, having sole custody of my kids and my fiance having a son that he has a very small role in his life.
This hasn't always been the situation either, and so I know all the hurt and frustration that comes with having to deal with courts, the state agencies, families, partners, etc., all while trying to remind everyone that what's in the best interest of the child is why we're all here!
I have come to realize that what's best for me is to take a big step back and love and support my fiance in his decisions. I help him research, prepare, investigate, w/e IF he wants AND requests it.
It's very difficult and I wish you peace on your journey.

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GENTLEDSOUL 2/22/2013 2:06PM

    Thank you for the thoughts and prayers. A summer visit is planned. It was going to lead to her just staying down here, but alas. Still waiting on more information.

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RUDITUDI2000 2/22/2013 1:57PM

    Saying a prayer for all involved! Keep on pressing on toward the things you actually have control over. Sounds like shes staying put right now. Maybe a summer visit? Tough situation. emoticon emoticon

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JULIERAE41 2/22/2013 12:34AM

    I feel for you. I was the discipline problem in my family and boy, did I give my folks some gray hairs. I will pray for this girl. I will pray for your boyfriend. I will pray for you.
God is good. I have been praying for a girl just like me for four years. She is going into the military when she graduates. God is good..

I turned out pretty good too. This is going to be a ride and a half sounds like. I hope the ride and the outcome brings you closer together. Bullying is such a hard one. I was bullied in grade school. The worst part of it is wondering what you did to deserve such violence. Nothing, but the wondering makes you crazy.

Comment edited on: 2/22/2013 12:36:25 AM

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OOLALA53 2/21/2013 7:18PM

    May I gently say that it is probably better that you are not rushed into making a decision to live together sooner than you were already planning on it. However, as a high school teacher, I can imagine that the girl's father wants to be more involved, especially if he would have a good influence on her. These are tough years. I see it all the time. The good news is many tough situations do improve over time.

I hope you can find the right distance for yourself on all this. It does affect you, but it is a bit out of your hands for now. I hope things will seem better soon.

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    emoticon I see how difficult this is ... I can think I'd feel the same as you describe. It's so difficult when children, state lines, and multiple adults are involved. I'm so glad you wrote out your feelings so that you could begin to work through them. That's really important for you. You're in a tough spot. It's GREAT that you are taking care of yourself in the midst of this. WAY TO GO!!!

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SHARBEAR100 2/21/2013 4:52PM

    That is hard! You were both arranging to make major changes to your life, and then had to just stop. It's wonderful that you were both so willing to welcome that change with open arms, and sad that your boyfriend won't get to spend time living with his daughter. Maybe after you do move in together, in the future, you can arrange to have his daughter visit during the summer. It would probably do her a lot of good. emoticon

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GENTLEDSOUL 2/21/2013 1:02PM

    I was thinking that, but without her coming down we may not move in together at all right now. We had been planning on talking about it next year before this all happened. I agree that having a place for her would be good, but it is expensive. Also we both have roommates who were put on short notice with this and if she isn't coming down it would be nicer not to leave them in the lurch. At least one of them doesn't have any other potential roommate lined up yet.

The other problem is whether or not she is ever going to come live with him permanently. If she is then, yes, finding a place would make sense. But if she isn't, if that isn't something the grandmother wants, then putting out all that money and effort is not necessarily worth it. I say up to her grandmother because Courtney is fickle and has a history of saying she wants to live whereever she isn't when she gets in trouble. This has never been taken seriously, and this time was not about her saying she wanted it, but more due to her dad being able to have better discipline with her.

Thank you for the concern and constructive comment.

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SKIRNIR 2/21/2013 12:50PM

    Wow, that is tough. I would also feel toyed with. Hard to know what is best for the daughter though. But nice for the daughter to have a father who would take her in if she decides to live with him. Are you still going to try and get an apartment that could accommodate his daughter, if she decided to come live with him? If you could afford it, I would certainly try.

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Fresh Start

Saturday, February 16, 2013

So the past two months have been a bingeing downward spiral for me. I have gained 30 pounds and while some of that was in the boobs which I didn't mind, the rest does bother me. The jeans that I was almost ready to get rid of for a smaller size are now too small to wear. All in all not a great feeling.

BUT! As of yesterday I have started back to my calorie counting. My exercise has diminished some but never went away and I am keeping on track with that, and going to get back to Sunday morning yoga which I have missed. I am confident that I can start the weightloss process again with equal success. In the first year or so I lost 127 lbs. Then I gained back 30. I now have about 65 lbs to lose to get to my goal weight which is only a bit more than half of what I lost the first time around. I can do this. I will do this. I have great support and all the cookies in the world are not worth more than getting back to how healthy and fit I felt 30 pounds ago. If I don't break 200 I can deal with that as long as I feel fit.

I think I felt worse now 'on the way up' than I did at this weight on the way down. I could feel by body deteriorating and I was unhappy not getting the nutrients I needed. My body appreciates when I treat it well.

I am scared for when I hit maintainence. I don't want to pile on the pounds like I did this time, but I don't want to be counting calories forever either. I think I can find a balance. If I eat the healthy food that I need I don't really have a lot of room left for junk. I just need to eat the healthy stuff first, easier said than done. I am worried about getting to my goal, but for now the weightloss process, that I know how to do and I know I can do. In the fall or winter when I get to my goal weight, then I will worry about maintaining it. For now I need to focus on getting there.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MYRTROSE 2/20/2013 8:57PM

    If I could make a suggestion...
I have a friend TINAJANE76 who heads up the At Goal & Maintaining + Transition to Maintenance team. Drop her a line and check out the team. She is invaluable to me and I think could really help you out!

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HHB4181 2/18/2013 3:16PM

    emoticon emoticon

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JIGGILY 2/17/2013 4:31PM

    I am so pleased you are back with, never ever feel alone on this journey we are all here aiming for the same goal to be fit and healthy.
Try not to worry too much about what will happen when you reach goal and have to maintain, take each day as it comes, life sure likes to throw things at us that can make us go off track and into the wilderness but if you can peel back those tree's and long grasses you will find your way again.
This is my second time on Sparks, the first time I lost about 26lb, bearing in mind I needed to loose about 100lb, I so understand where you are coming from, really it's not fair is it that it is so easy to gain but real hard work to loose!!!!
The biggest change for me this time is my mindset, I realise this is going to be a life change and after just 3 months I am beginning to notice taste changes, oh don't get me wrong I still fancy the bad stuff but not as much and I am sure over time my taste buds will change and my mindset will get stronger to help me make the right choice's.
Just know your friends are here to support and encourage you along the way, make the most of the tools available to you here on Spark, connect with others and I know you will be going down the right track.
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
Dee xoxox

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    It's easier for me to gain it back too, so I understand what you're saying. If it makes you feel any better, you're in good company.

I try to think this way ... I'm going to eat healthy for the rest of my life. Then, I don't fear gaining it all back once I get to goal.

Now, I know that "eating healthy" doesn't happen every day. If it did, I wouldn't be in the process of losing 40 pounds after having lost 150 pounds 10 years ago. But, life does get in the way and things happen. But, I do catch myself now. I don't gain back all the lost weight. Along the way, we figure out some things that used to trip us up. It's a journey, not a destination. OK, that's more than a saying. :)

Glad you're back with us!! We can do this easier together than by ourselves!!

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JULIERAE41 2/16/2013 6:26PM

    I know what you mean! I gained a good amount back after thyroid cancer. I gain weight easily now. I lost 112 pounds in 2010 and had surgery that christmas. I went back to 235 and joined SP in October. I am down to 210 and feeling better about it.
You will too. You can do this!

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BJPENNY70 2/16/2013 5:28PM

    Glad you are back and living healthy again. I just started back after a illness. I had gained about 14 pounds. So good luck. We both can make our goals. We have to just keep pushing ahead and take care of ourselves. Good luck.

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LALMEIDA 2/16/2013 5:26PM

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New Year Resolutions

Monday, December 31, 2012

No caramel colored soda, diet or otherwise.
Run a 10k.
Exercise 20 minutes a day on rest days.
Do 40-60 minutes of cardio 5 days a week.
- Make one of these and outdoor activity at least once a month, work toward once a week.
Do strength training 3-4 days a week.
Learn to make tortillas from scratch.

I hope to reach my goal weight by May 2013. I really want to transition into maintenance smoothly, but I am still trying to decide if I should keep counting calories (i would rather not, but it is effective) or try switching over to a more intuitive eating sort of philosophy. I would like to learn to be able to trust myself eating.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SPSPSP1 1/5/2013 8:00PM

    "I would like to learn to be able to trust myself eating." Please note that it's not about trusting yourself. It's simply account keeping as you would with a checking account so that you don't end up overdrawn on your bills. Congrats on all your progress so far!

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3016DEBRA 12/31/2012 3:40PM

  You'll do it, emoticon !!!!

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RUDITUDI2000 12/31/2012 11:50AM

    You can do it! Happy 2013!! emoticon

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GARDENCHRIS 12/31/2012 11:26AM

    hope you keep those resolutions..... I never make any LOL!

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