Friday, December 13, 2013
My boyfriend and I are taking a trip to Tennessee to visit his family and he wants to bring Christmas cookies. I love baking cookies, especially Christmas cookies, and he has little experience with baking. So I did most of the work with making the dough and he helped where he could. It was fun! The difficult part was that he picked sugar cookies for us to make and they needed to chill overnight. Because of that we made the dough up early.
Brings us to last night when we realized we wanted to add food coloring to half the dough and try making these spirally colored cookies. To do this we needed to unchill half the dough and mix in the dye. The mixing was difficult. The end had to be done by hand. Hands ended up covered in delicious smelling cookie dough...
My cravings totally kicked in. I asked him to taste some to see if it turned out ok (and mostly because having him eat a bit let me live vicariously through him). We were supposed to then chill the dough again and we'd roll it out tonight and finish up. He was having a night out with friends as he does every Thursday. I was going to be left home, alone, with the cookie dough.
I wanted it. I had some calories left for the day but I really had no idea how many calories were in the dough. I let myself have a tiny tiny taste, but I did NOT want to give in. These were for family. I just couldn't handle it. I knew I couldn't handle it with them just being in amorphous blobs of dough in the fridge. a small bit missing from a blob of dough wouldn't be missed. It is too easy to hide. I didn't want to eat half the cookie dough and come the next day be like "oh I guess that recipe didn't make as much as I thought it would". I had to do something.
So, I acted. I took the dough and rolled it out and rolled out the colored dough and rolled them up to get the spiral design. Then I wrapped them back up and put them away. I reasoned with myself that while a blob of dough you could take some off of, a clearly rolled log of dough would be too obvious if some was missing, pulled or cut off.
Then I had some sherbert and later tea with PB on toast cause I was hungry. I didn't have any more than my initial taste of the dough. I fought through the cravings and won. I think this is the first time I've had a serious urge and opportunity to binge since I've gotten back on track (about 2 months now). I am really proud of myself for fighting it off and finding a way to trick the binge monster into subsiding. It is scary to know that it is still there, waiting, but I also feel reassured that even that can be conquered.
I will make more cookies this Christmas season and go into it hopeful. It will be a challenge. I have won the first battle. I may not win them all, and, importantly, winning doesn't mean never having any cookies. Winning is being in control. Having a cookie because I want to, when I want to. Food is not my master. I am a conscious participant in what I choose to go into my body.
Thursday, November 07, 2013
I lost 125 lbs over about a year, and over the following year gained 105 back. I was bingeing and over eating and it felt awful. I am not here to beat myself up for how I got back up to over 300lbs again. I can't change the choices I made, but I can make new ones.
I am making new choices. I am back on track with eating better. For the last month I have not binged. In fact finally being able to post that I had succeeded in the 21-days binge free board made me think to write a post here. I have set a calorie range and am sticking to it and the weight is coming off again. It feels good. My first shirt that was too tight to wear is fitting again. I look in the mirror with a positive attitude looking for the changes that come when my body is getting smaller rather than dreading what I see as it gets bigger.
I am not starting the same way I did last time though. While I have a calorie range I also am allowing myself two days a week that I can have food that I might not know the calories of and go over my ranges a bit. I don't think of them as 'cheat days' really, but just a chance to relax a bit from the stricture of counting calories that eventually wore me out the last time. I do still write down what I eat, but I don't stress over the total so much. I give myself this wiggle room for two reasons.
First, as a way to counteract any feelings of deprivation that might crop up if I could never have treats. I think this will help me not start bingeing again even after I lose the weight since I will have been able to have things all along. I also think it lets me take a break and not worry about the calories every second. A weekend is supposed to be relaxing, but if you go out to have a nice dinner and spend the whole time stressed that that breadstick could have 100 or 400 calories and which is it and should I eat that or should I eat this ... it just takes so much fun out of it.
The second reason I am doing this is to actually try to lose weight a bit more slowly. My first time around I lost on average 10 lbs a month, which is about 3 lbs a weeks which is a bit higher than the recommended. I admit it felt good, but my SO thinks (and I think he might be right) that losing so fast might have been less healthy for me and contributed to the regaining. So I set my range for losing 2 lbs a week, but if I have a deficit of 1000 for 5 days, and then go over by 1000 on 2 days that sets me up for still losing 1 lb-ish a week, and if I don't go over by that much I will lose a little more and that is ok too.
So I have been on track with my new eating plan for almost a month now and I am very happy. I am down 10 lbs, actually a bit more than intended, but that was due mostly to a week of illness where I just couldn't eat for a few days. I need to work more exercise into my routine, but life has been making that difficult lately. I have taken steps to add little bits of exercise where I can, but I haven't been to the gym regularly. I am not beating myself up over that. It will happen, and soon, but I can take things one step at a time. I want a healthy life. I am happier when I am healthier and it feels good to be working toward that once more.
Monday, December 31, 2012
No caramel colored soda, diet or otherwise.
Run a 10k.
Exercise 20 minutes a day on rest days.
Do 40-60 minutes of cardio 5 days a week.
- Make one of these and outdoor activity at least once a month, work toward once a week.
Do strength training 3-4 days a week.
Learn to make tortillas from scratch.
I hope to reach my goal weight by May 2013. I really want to transition into maintenance smoothly, but I am still trying to decide if I should keep counting calories (i would rather not, but it is effective) or try switching over to a more intuitive eating sort of philosophy. I would like to learn to be able to trust myself eating.
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