Sunday, August 03, 2014
Well I must say I have enjoyed myself in liking someone for the first time in a very long time, and I think that's a good thing.
I don't know what else to say about it all, really. Except maybe I kind of wish things would stay the same. I know this is impossible, and that perhaps this whole situation is a lesson in impermanence for me. Things change; I worry about them disintegrating. But things aren't destroyed...ever...they just take on a new form. It's my job to make sure that new form is filled with love and not hate. The seeds are all planted. Which ones will I cultivate?
The friendship is really good. I'm happy to be called his friend. I'm excited when we get to hang out.
Robert,the roomie, says he doesn't see the attraction, but he's a good guy! Not to mention good looking; I don't see why I wouldn't be attracted!
Anyway, I gotta get ready for work.
Friday, June 20, 2014
I often like to go for a drive to clear my head.
I'm often feeling confined and confounded with where to go though.
Today I went for a drive that ended up going nowhere in particular to blow out the cobwebs of emotion that are bombarding my heart and mind lately. You see, the thing is this: I haven't "liked" someone in a very long time. And now...I do. I'm vulnerable and all out in the open and exposed and I actually LIKE it--and I am quite frustrated with myself for liking these "new" feelings. I'm "not supposed" to feel this way. I'm "supposed" to be under control, and not fall victim to such flights of fancy.
In short, I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know where to turn and I don't know how to conduct myself. Its all rather disgustingly sweet.
I can't wait til this is over.
It will end, right?
Monday, October 21, 2013
Well, I haven't heard anything from Deer Park monastery in CA; nor have I received an application for an internship from Blue Cliff monastery in NY. Bummer.
On a whim (ie. at the prompting of my friend, Maha), I applied at Kroger and Whole Foods and BOTH requested an interview with me! BOTH interviews went well! I have training at Kroger, and a second interview at Whole Foods while I figure out the living situation (which will probably determine which job I take).
My friends (Maha and her housemate, Robert) have graciously offered me a place to stay while I search for a space and a roomie! I am so blessed!
While the time to become a nun grows short (there is an age limit), I'm not disappointed in the turn of events. I'm actually excited. I really hope it all works out, so that I don't have to move back in with my family. I love them, but they are not my tribe.
So that being said...anyone looking for a housemate in Maumelle, AR???
Tuesday, October 08, 2013
"I had occasionally considered becoming a nun before, but it had been out of hopelessness and despair. When I met Thay and learned about the practice of mindfulness, I realized that the monastic path might save me from my own destruction." --Sister Dang Nghiem
I'm crying right now, because I know I've considered the monastic path from time to time out of a desire to get away from people who can't and won't understand me; when underlying, there was all along a sense that I don't even understand myself. Yet, all along, there has been a sense of urgency. P. Yogananda says "everything else can wait, your search for God cannot."
All along, there's been a separation between my family and me. Some people are searching, and I believe some people are not searching...not on a priority level, anyway.
I'm crying because that separation is all my doing. I separate myself from my family because my path is different, but the whole cosmos is in a flower--we're all made of stars--and we're all on a path together as brothers and sisters. I want to become a nun to save myself from my separateness. I want to see my brothers and sisters (my mother and father) in the flowers and the trees and the wind....
I cry because it's the only path that makes sense to me. My grandmother said that I've tried so many things, thinking they were my path, and that I am just wandering along not knowing what I want.
I cry because being a nun will show me what I want; the only thing worth wanting--freedom from this nonsensical suffering I put on myself.
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