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grin on my face

Sunday, August 03, 2014

Well I must say I have enjoyed myself in liking someone for the first time in a very long time, and I think that's a good thing.

I don't know what else to say about it all, really. Except maybe I kind of wish things would stay the same. I know this is impossible, and that perhaps this whole situation is a lesson in impermanence for me. Things change; I worry about them disintegrating. But things aren't destroyed...ever...they just take on a new form. It's my job to make sure that new form is filled with love and not hate. The seeds are all planted. Which ones will I cultivate?

The friendship is really good. I'm happy to be called his friend. I'm excited when we get to hang out.

Robert,the roomie, says he doesn't see the attraction, but he's a good guy! Not to mention good looking; I don't see why I wouldn't be attracted!

Anyway, I gotta get ready for work.


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MAGGIEVAN 8/5/2014 3:03PM

    All the best for you. emoticon

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monkey mind

Friday, June 20, 2014

I often like to go for a drive to clear my head.
I'm often feeling confined and confounded with where to go though.

Today I went for a drive that ended up going nowhere in particular to blow out the cobwebs of emotion that are bombarding my heart and mind lately. You see, the thing is this: I haven't "liked" someone in a very long time. And now...I do. I'm vulnerable and all out in the open and exposed and I actually LIKE it--and I am quite frustrated with myself for liking these "new" feelings. I'm "not supposed" to feel this way. I'm "supposed" to be under control, and not fall victim to such flights of fancy.

In short, I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know where to turn and I don't know how to conduct myself. Its all rather disgustingly sweet.
I can't wait til this is over.
It will end, right?


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DOKEYOKEY 6/22/2014 10:07AM

    Possibly just enjoy? Even if it is all temporary (which, of course, it all is ultimately anyway).

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Friday, May 30, 2014

Maha has left for California as of this past Saturday afternoon. I cried all the way to work shortly after.
I'm good now, as we keep in touch pretty much every day.

I got a job at the local grocery. Robert has graciously offered his home to me indefinitely. I have heard from both monasteries, but that doesn't feel like my path right now. So I am plugging away at the bakery. It's not the most satisfying job in the world, but it's something to do--which I am very grateful for in this moment (that may be just easy to say because I'm off today).

Yoga asana practice is still something which eludes me. The plan is to set out the mat and keep it out; so I'll have every opportunity to step onto the mat. Another part of the plan is to make a commitment to step onto the mat every day--not to a specific amount of time or a specific set of postures.
May it be so!

The plan today is to clean out my room and clear off the bookshelf to move that into my room. I'm looking forward to having the extra storage space in here. I'm glad Maha, brilliant star that she is, thought of that.

So here's to baby steps, and to not knowing what the road will bring.


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BECOMINGONE 6/8/2014 12:54AM

    So good to read your blog, dear Robin. I imagine you will miss Maha a lot. You have spent a lot of time together these past months. It sounds like you are on a good path ... you have a home, a job, you are getting out & spending time with friends and now you've put out your mat. As you say, baby steps ... but taking baby steps daily will take you through the journey of life.


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NONIE_C 5/30/2014 5:25PM

    One step, one decision, one day at a long as you don't stop, you are on your path, and I have no doubt that the road will lead you exactly where you need to go.

I also feel challenged to get on my mat daily, but I'm getting better at it, and, like you, I do not assign myself a specific amount of time. I've been trying to get up a half hour earlier than usual, so that I can do yoga in the morning. I love starting my day by mindfully inhabiting my body, being aware of my breath, and feeling gratitude.

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Monday, October 21, 2013

Well, I haven't heard anything from Deer Park monastery in CA; nor have I received an application for an internship from Blue Cliff monastery in NY. Bummer.

On a whim (ie. at the prompting of my friend, Maha), I applied at Kroger and Whole Foods and BOTH requested an interview with me! BOTH interviews went well! I have training at Kroger, and a second interview at Whole Foods while I figure out the living situation (which will probably determine which job I take).

My friends (Maha and her housemate, Robert) have graciously offered me a place to stay while I search for a space and a roomie! I am so blessed!

While the time to become a nun grows short (there is an age limit), I'm not disappointed in the turn of events. I'm actually excited. I really hope it all works out, so that I don't have to move back in with my family. I love them, but they are not my tribe.

So that being said...anyone looking for a housemate in Maumelle, AR???


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

VALERIEMAHA 10/21/2013 11:06AM

    Two roads diverged in a wood, and I --
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
-- Robert Frost

Hahaha...well you DO have NINE more years (isn't it 40) before you reach the age limit for nuns! And by then you might have taken a completely different "less-traveled" path!

You might even decide to find a place in Conway regardless of which job you get once I show you the "back way" to I-430!

You are ON FIRE!

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SOULFISH80 10/21/2013 10:45AM

    Good luck in all your current endeavors. I pray for the very best for you :-)

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COCK-ROBIN 10/21/2013 10:44AM

    I hope it all goes well for you.

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BECOMINGONE 10/21/2013 10:14AM

    I am so proud of you, my friend. Getting started is half the battle ....

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RONNIEHUEY 10/21/2013 9:46AM

    wow didn't know nuns had an age limit.good luck

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NOTANINJA 10/21/2013 9:43AM

    Wow, best of luck to you. Sounds like there are many great opportunities for you.

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To Be a Nun

Tuesday, October 08, 2013

"I had occasionally considered becoming a nun before, but it had been out of hopelessness and despair. When I met Thay and learned about the practice of mindfulness, I realized that the monastic path might save me from my own destruction." --Sister Dang Nghiem

I'm crying right now, because I know I've considered the monastic path from time to time out of a desire to get away from people who can't and won't understand me; when underlying, there was all along a sense that I don't even understand myself. Yet, all along, there has been a sense of urgency. P. Yogananda says "everything else can wait, your search for God cannot."

All along, there's been a separation between my family and me. Some people are searching, and I believe some people are not searching...not on a priority level, anyway.

I'm crying because that separation is all my doing. I separate myself from my family because my path is different, but the whole cosmos is in a flower--we're all made of stars--and we're all on a path together as brothers and sisters. I want to become a nun to save myself from my separateness. I want to see my brothers and sisters (my mother and father) in the flowers and the trees and the wind....

I cry because it's the only path that makes sense to me. My grandmother said that I've tried so many things, thinking they were my path, and that I am just wandering along not knowing what I want.

I cry because being a nun will show me what I want; the only thing worth wanting--freedom from this nonsensical suffering I put on myself.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

COCK-ROBIN 10/8/2013 10:08PM

    Do it! emoticon

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MTRACHEL 10/8/2013 9:11PM

    aimlessness..I think that's a part of the teaching somewhere.

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VALERIEMAHA 10/8/2013 7:25PM

    Well then, "Just Do It!"

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