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Fear.....that time again

Thursday, October 30, 2008

It's been a rough year for me to say the least. I started off this year wondering if I had breast cancer. Having had two questionable mammograms, then a sterotactic biopsy that came back inconclusive and then in January a lumpectomy. What a way to start the year. Lucky, LUCKY for me, it turned out to be benign.

In June of this year my mother passed away. It wasn't unexpected but one is never, ever really prepared to lose a parent.

A couple of months ago my boyfriend "dumped" me. We had been together since my divorce and it was he that picked me up from the hospital after my surgery and it was he that waited with me while I got those results. I miss him but I know that life goes on.

I just got a notice in the mail that it is time for me to have another mammogram. I am gripped with fear. I don't want to go through that horrible time again. I am now so alone. I cannot burden my children but what if????? It is very hard for me to feel vulnerable. I am so strong in every way I just don't know what to do.

Please don't feel anyone has to comment on this. I am just venting a little. The best part of this year was losing over 30 lbs. I need to focus on that I know.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DORY.A 11/5/2008 9:08AM

    I, too, just went through a scare but luckily, they were able to determine it was a cyst and not anything serious. I know what you mean about feeling alone and not knowing what to do "if". I went through all of those thoughts too in the past month or so.... and I do have a partner to share everything with.

Focus on all your good stuff and remember that positivity is a healing factor in our lives so instead of worrying about the bad results of this next mammogram, focus on the "it's going to be clear and okay". It truly does make people better.

And as noted by CRBDELL, vent away girlfriend... we're here to listen and share our experience with you.

Stay strong and positive... and remember how GREAT you look!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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CRBEDELL 10/31/2008 2:23PM

    Vent all you want and feel free to talk to any of us fellow moms... being afraid of what might result this time is perfectly natural - just don't let the fear keep you from having that mammogram.
Sending you lots of hugs and shoulders to cry on.

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L.I.L.MOMMY 10/31/2008 6:56AM

    I completely understand the mammogram scare, I had mine at the age of 24 but remember early detection and treatment are key. HOMEBODY, did a great post on our team regarding her own experience with breast cancer, I'm sure she would be more than willing to discuss any questions or issues you may have.

Also the healthier the body is, the better equipped it is to deal with what comes....I'm sending a prayer your way. HUGS Tracy

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The frustration persists....

Friday, October 24, 2008

It's been a while since I wrote a blog entry. It's not because there isn't a lot going on in my life (as usual), it's just that I'm still frustrated about not losing like I was. Yesterday I was 130.8. Yes, that's the lowest I've been but, I've been between that and 134 for about 2 months!!! It seems that my body likes it here and isn't going to budge. I have kind of come to terms with it and I know that I need to up my exercise but with the cold weather, it's hard. I know, I know, I will!!!

On a different front, the playoffs have started for my son. He is in a fall ball (baseball) league. His team came in third in the county. The two teams ahead of him are good, really, really good and while I do think they will make it to the last rounds, I doubt they will beat these guys. My son's team is very young and not as experienced as these two teams and that does make a difference. Doesn't matter to me, I'm so proud of him no matter what. It's amazing that he has grown 4 inches in the past year and now is almost a head taller than me. So much for 12!!! What's going to happen when he's 13????

My daughter is applying to colleges. We haven't picked a "really want to get into" one yet but I think that one is going to be Northeastern in Boston. She is very bright and I believe she will get into wherever she applies. Keep your fingers crossed. She has been in "teenzilla" mode today so it makes it easier for me to think about her leaving LOL!!!

Hope all my spark buddies are well!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TREASUREDANGEL 10/25/2008 4:21PM




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L.I.L.MOMMY 10/25/2008 4:03AM

    Fun stuff first.....way to go to your sons team! Woo Hoo It's a good thing we raise our children right, for once those boys gets bigger than us, it's only the fear factor that keeps them in line! tee hee

It's funny, there are very few mamals that don't push their young ones from the nest, we're one of the crazy few! LOLOLOL

How exciting for your daughter, I'm sending wishes for great things for her future!

Now, the not so fun stuff.....plateaus....yuck! A few things to check if you haven't already.
1. portion sizes, estimating or measuring, if estimating portions they may have crept up a bit.
2. re-evaluate your weight/calorie/exercsie goals from your start page. Lower weight, more calories burned creates an imbalance in the basic formula spark uses to set daily calories so keep those updated every 10-15 pounds lost.
3. kick up the cardio, the body is very good at adapting to a cardio routine, may be time to push yourself.
4. kick up the ST (more reps, sets or weights). See above, applies to ST too.
5. calorie cycling (never been able to stick to this one myself). See above, applies to eating the same calorie range dail.

Shake it up, keep your body guessing and I bet you see that weight start to come off again.

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GIRLINMOTION 10/24/2008 6:17PM

    I want a date update, lol.

Hugs, Sonia

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CRBEDELL 10/24/2008 4:03PM

    The dreaded plateau is extremely frustrating! Try not to let it get to you (I know, easy to say). Sounds like your kids are doing very well - something to be very proud of!

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JKPONYGIRL 10/24/2008 9:33AM

    You have come so far. A plateau here and there is to be expected, and maybe you can change your excercise just a little bit to give you that little push that you need to get over the edge.

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PERKYDEBI 10/24/2008 9:19AM

    I'm so sorry that you are frustrated with your weight loss, or lack of at the moment. But you have done fantastic so far and even though the scales might not be showing the numbers that you want, what do the clothes and inches show? So some of that weight may be muscle mass. But try not to get so frustrated about it. Keep the faith.

Congrats on your son's baseball team! And I know about those Teenzillas! I have a daughter that's 14 going on 24!! I'm counting down the years until she graduates! But I really do love her!!

co-leader "I Hate Exercise"
emoticon emoticon

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hmmmm, that was easy????

Saturday, October 04, 2008

So, Rosh Hashana was very difficult. I made all kinds of great food and had lots of people over. My girlfriends daughter made a honey cake that was the size of a football field and the most delicious thing I've ever tasted! I really was not good for at least three days and gained about a pound a day!!

I finally threw everything out that no one else but me ate and went back to eating properly. This morning I was back to the weight I started with before the holiday. I didn't lose anything but I didn't gain either. I'm shocked that it came off so easily but so pleased I was able to get back on track after the "blip". It made me believe that I have changed and will not go back to the before attitude of "if I blew it then I will binge".

Yay me!!! Now to lose that last 10 lbs!! BTW, my size 6 jeans are a little baggy emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BLINDBETH 10/12/2008 6:04PM

    But the honey cake is always so good... and it makes for a sweet new year! Glad the weight came right back off!

You go, girl!

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GIRLINMOTION 10/6/2008 9:49AM

    If you don't let the weight gain get a chance to stay attached, it is easier to lose the "quick' gain. Way to go on getting back on track and not letting that 3 pound gain stay attached to you, lol.

Hugs, Sonia

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L.I.L.MOMMY 10/6/2008 4:43AM

    Great job getting back on track! WOO HOO

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LIVELOVELAUGH- 10/5/2008 10:58PM

    When I read your title, I thought "hmm...she needs a Staple's "easy" button" lol

Isn't it amazing how our bodies bounce back? It just goes to show that we can splurge here and there and be just fine as long as we stay on track the majority of time. Everything in moderation, right?


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So, call me crazy!

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Last year I got some very generous gifts for xmas from some of my clients. One of my clients always give me $500. on my birthday too. (yeah, they're great aren't they?). I haven't spent this money till now.

Yesterday, I purchased a gift for my son you won't believe. It's a hand signed, authentic Yankee jersey with the #2 by Derek Jeter. It comes with a certificate of authenticity and a plaque about how no one got more hits at the old stadium than he did and listing the top 5. It even has the double patches on the arms of the old and new stadium.

I am going to have it put in a shadow box and it will be my son's Hanukkah, and birthday gift combined. There are only 100 of them out there so this will truly be a collectors item someday.

Yes, I'm really nuts but honestly, it made me so happy to be able to do this for him. I know I could have spent this on food or the mortgage or what not but this will last forever (I hope!!). So, call me crazy, I did it!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

L.I.L.MOMMY 10/14/2008 5:42AM

    That'a awesome, isn't it great when we can do something extra special for our peanuts.

By the way, is your company hiring? TEE HEE

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BLINDBETH 10/12/2008 6:06PM

    I love it! I remember when my son was a huge Derek Jeter fan. It sounds like an awesome gift. Hanukkah will one to remember for both of you.

Now me thinks me needs to start shopping...

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BARCINTL 10/6/2008 7:04AM

    That was very sweet. You are a generous person!


.s. I want an elliptical :)

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GIRLINMOTION 10/2/2008 10:47AM

    I won't call you crazy. I totally understand why you did it. He is into baseball. You were at the stadium for some major events too both at the beginning and the ending of its life. Call me crazy, but it has major meaning for yourself too. This is a gift that may be something that he will always cherish, or down the road had been the best investment you ever made for your son.

Hugs, Sonia

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My near death experience!

Thursday, September 18, 2008

There I was, on my way home. It's Wednesday. I love Wednesday afternoon because not only is it the end of my work day but my work week as well.

Chatted a few minutes with my partner in crime Dawn, thought about going to Yankee Stadium tonight to see the very last time the "Moose" would pitch in this stadium and also to say good-by to a place I have loved all my life. (side note: a really great guy got me the tickets for son and I. No names yet, but I'm so thankful in more ways than one).

There I was, typical day zipping down the thruway at about 60 MPH and then something exploded under my car, or sounded like it did. I gripped the stearing wheel with all my might and started to slow down. My tire gage came on to say there was a problem with one of my tires. I didn't need to be a mechanical genius to figure out that my rear tire had blown out. Cars were zipping by me and somehow I managed to get all the way to the right shoulder. I was shaking and sweating bullets. I also, had absolutely no idea what to do. None....

I called my mechanic. I knew he would know and he did. He told me to call the state troopers and after several transfers and such, I managed to find the right people. They couldn't have been nicer. They told me they would send someone "right" out. Well, that kind of means in about an hour. Luckily I knew exactly where I was and once the truck got there a very nice guy jumped out, changed my tire in about 5 minutes, said, "You're good to go" and that was it. No fee, not even a tip (I tried) and done. I managed to get to my mechanics who found a huge hole in my tire. As I write this he called and my new tire has come in.

What a day!! Thank goodness I'm here and excited about seeing the Yankees tonight. Not sure if I were ever to see someone on the highway have a blow- out if I would just go speeding past. Somehow, knowing me, I think I would have stopped and offered assistance, even if it were just the company.

Something to think about. I'll wave to everyone from the stadium tonight!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BLINDBETH 9/29/2008 6:24AM

    Blow outs are no fun! I'm glad you were able to get it all resolved.

I watched that Yankees game. My hubby grew up in Patterson, NJ and regularly went to Yankees games. He cried through the entire opening ceremony. It was pretty funny to all the rest of us.

I've missed you! Are you doing great?

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L.I.L.MOMMY 9/19/2008 5:26AM

    I am so glad you're ok, wow.....I don't know if I would have been so calm.

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MELSGIRL06 9/18/2008 4:05PM

    The Thruway is a crazy driving experience! I commute on the Thruway everday myself!! Glad you made it ok!! I always worry about stopping on the thruway thinking I am going to get killed in the process so I always call the HELP trucks and make sure they know about it!! If you ever need a new mechanic in the Pine Bush area let me know, I know a great one! Glad you are ok!!

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CJW359 9/18/2008 10:57AM

    Praise the Lord that all turned out right. I didn't know that state troopers would help in a situation like that. Maybe that is only where you live. I don't think they would help here in Missouri. I guess that is what AAA is for.

By the way, how was the game???

Glad you are here to share your story.

Cindy emoticon

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GIRLINMOTION 9/18/2008 10:32AM

    As they say, God must have been with you. You handled a bad situation and survived in one piece to talk about it and still enjoy the evening. To think of all the possibilities of what could have happened. Must be your positive attitude with life. Attitude can go a long way!!!

Hugs, Sonia

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JLITT62 9/18/2008 9:15AM

    I've always been so scared of having a blow-out. Glad you survived it safely. Would never have thought to call state troopers!

I had a flat a while back, and ever since then I've been having problems with my car. It's very frustrating.

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