GAYLLYNNE   209,685
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Triggers

Thursday, May 29, 2008

I have been losing steadily since I joined Spark People the first week of February. Since that time I haven't fallen off the wagon. I've been through holidays, birthdays, BBQ's etc and have still been able to stay on track....that is until this week.

Tuesday, something happened. I started to eat and I couldn't stop. I must have gone over my calorie count by 1000 calories! I knew what I was doing, I just couldn't stop.

Wednesday, I decided to figure it out. I was calm and knew that I was going to be OK and right back on track. I took myself over to the lake for my 3 mile walk and set my mind to what the heck happened.

I realized it all started with a picture. That afternoon my boyfriend sent me a picture from the BBQ we had attended last Sat. I was horrified. I looked about 100 years old and thought that everyone there must have thought so too. It upset me so much but I consciously didn't realize it.

Age. It's a trigger for me. It's not easy being in your 50's. Lots changes about your body and you just aren't what you were in your 30's. I look in the mirror sometimes and wonder who the heck that is. I can't say that I'm aging gracefully. I'm actually kicking and screaming every step of the way!!!

I'm ok now. I'm right back on track and as of this morning I'm still 144. I haven't gained anything nor have I lost. I have to keep going, this I know but I really need to get a handle on my triggers. I'm not going to get younger so I really need to accept who/what I am right now and not let it get the better of me. Easier said than done but now that I'm aware, maybe I can combat it a bit better.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BLINDBETH 5/29/2008 9:15PM

    I know that I am just at the beginning of this aging process... but I do feel your pain. Recently I've noticed that my hands don't look like my hands anymore. What's worse is that they look more like my mother's hands.

I think everyone has different ways of handling the aging process. And of course some are bothered more or less by the results. I'm impressed that you recognized seeing the picture as a trigger. From there you can find a replacement activity or thoughts.

My husband is 14 years older than me and many of our good friends are 10 years (or so - who asks and who cares) older than me, I've heard them talk about some of the changes that they've experienced. What I see is that they are all just amazing people - beautiful on the outside and the inside. So, despite what you thought of yourself in that picture - I doubt that the others saw you in the same light you saw yourself.

You are beautiful - inside and out!
Hugs,
Beth

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PRESSINGON3:14 5/29/2008 5:34PM

    Hang in there, Gayllynne. You are actually doing AWESOME! You've reached your current weight much sooner that it has taken me to get where I am. So your weight has been coming off faster than mine has.

I've noticed with myself how quickly I become frustrated with the same weight level that excited me a few weeks earlier. I suppose that's good, it keeps us motivated to focus on the final goal.

Remember, your "falling off the wagon" is done, you can't change the past. However, you can learn from it and use it to increase your determination. What matters now is that you get back on target and strive to finish this race strong. You can do it! I'm rooting for you! emoticon

Let's head for 130-ville!!

*)
..*) .*)
(.* *Barb.*



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NVDONNA 5/29/2008 4:40PM

    Sweetheart! I know exactly where you are at. I have also been doing fantastically well,,,almost too easy,,,since Jan 1, and losing steadily. Then last Friday,,,I went crazy, and went over on my calories..like 1900 for the day. Saturday was not much better. Then I regained some control, but then yesterday, I was bad again. I really got scared that I could fall back into old habits so easily. Very scared. I have lost 44 pounds, and I do not want to gain them back,,,EVER,,,and I still want to lose 20 more, so now is not the time to screw up.

I think it is ok, as long as we get right back on track. Forgive and forget. Resolve to try harder and resist those urges to binge.

Life happens. Success is overcoming our mistakes, and seeing to it that they happen less often.

I think we were just rebelling a little. After all, I can't remember the last time I was in the 140's, and I am feeling pretty NORMAL sized,,,so why can;t we eat like NORMAL people.... well, the reality is,,,if we want to stay looking like this,,,,we have to watch our calories and exercise, and will probably have to for the rest of our lives. Everyone is different,,,and so, that is what I have to do.

As for the age thing,,,,first of all,,I hate myself in pictures. I am sure you are beautiful in person, so dont dwell on the picture thing. I am 48, and starting to see some signs of aging as well, and I am fighting it every step of the way. I dye my grey, and buy all kinds of lotions and creams that promise to get rid of these lines on my face. I am working my arms at the gym to get rid of the lovely arm flap,,and it is getting a little better.

Also, I decided,,,that when I get to goal (125 pounds),,,I am going to get some "work" done. First,,,my boobs,,,I hate them. They are totally different sizes and just hang there. I want cute small perky ones that are the same size!! I may also want to get a tummy tuck if the big flap of flesh on my abdomen doesnt go away. After 2 cesaerians,,,,I dont think it will. AND, I am going to get some Juvederm injections in my frown lines around my mouth. Less invasion than surgery, and lasts about a year. So,,,I am hoping to do all this around October,,,,if I can lose the rest of this weight. It is good motivation! I just keep thinking,,,,,NEW BOOBS!!!

Anyway,,,,we all have our triggers, and we will overcome!! Keep a positive attitude, and feel free to write me anytime.

Hugs, donna

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Thoughts of my son and other info

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Yesterday, as I was walking around the lake I started to think about my son. He has grown in so many ways over the last year. He's close to 5'4" now and about 130 lbs. Not bad for a 12 year old. He is still funny and sweet and will still hug and kiss me when he wants to.

I was thinking about when he was little. How hard it was for him (and me) because he was born with his Eustachian tubes at an odd angle. He couldn't really hear properly till he was past 2. He had 5 operations before he was 4. It was tough for all of us because he never slept through the night until after the final operation. Yes, 4 years of holding him in the rocker all night long. He couldn't lay flat because it was so painful.

He was a total terror when he was younger too. Impossible to watch as he never stopped moving. He once ran away from his dad and I in Sears. They had to completely shut down the store, no one in or out until they could find him. It took about 1/2 hour before someone found him. He had been shopping. He had on numerous bracelets and necklaces. He had a roll of wrapping paper in one hand and a pliers in the other. He had been all over the store and no one stopped him. OMG, I really thought I would have a heart attack. Sure, funny now but not then!!

I also remember the time we were going into Costco. There was a woman going in. A very large woman who chose (why, I'll never know) to wear an orange and green plaid pants suit. Not only that but it had a ruffle around the neck. I was pushing my son in the cart and he just pointed to her and said (very loudly), "Look mom, a clown!!!" Yes, I was mortified but what could I do? I just kept going.

I miss that little boy even though I never had gray hair before him. I do love the little man that I live with now though. He opens jars for me, he reaches things I can't and he has become more of a joy and less of a terror. I'm a lucky mom.

On a different note. I didn't lose any weight this week. That hasn't happened in a long time but then again I didn't gain any either. I worked hard this week too with exercise and watching. I'm really not upset. It will come off because I'm doing everything I can to make that so. Next week, I'll lose! I'm not giving up.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BLINDBETH 5/27/2008 8:47PM

    I do love being the mother of two boys... and I love the things that they can say. And luckily, I have fond memories of some of the things that they can say and do.

This past weekend, as I was getting my oldest son ready for his high school graduation, I realized that the youngest wasn't even in the shower. When I went to wake him up, he said, "Do I have to go?" I wasn't very kind with my wording... and he went. :) Tsk... As if he even thought that it would be ok to skip out on his brother's graduation. Of course, his brother could have cared less.

And these boys will one day be husbands and fathers...

Thanks for reaffirming that boys are a hoot to raise!

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GIRLINMOTION 5/27/2008 9:17AM

    Great reflection of your son. They do grow so quickly (mine is 11 and in ball too). My mother went through much of what you did with your son and the ear situation with me (though mine was not that severe and caused by serious ear infections, 2 operations for me as a child, nearly deaf in my left ear), I can relate to the many issues your son went through, but as you say he is growing into an amazing young man.

Yes, your will lose, we are not giving up on you either. You can do it!

Hugs, Sonia

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ANOTHERAMY 5/26/2008 11:47PM

    Thanks for sharing your stories about your son - I had to smile because my son is 3 and an absolute terror. I need reminders that I need to enjoy my time with this little wild man because he will be grown before I know it.

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NISSEGIRL 5/26/2008 2:11PM

    4 years of rocking him all night long? Anybody who says motherhood is easy is crazy.

I really enjoyed this post, especially since my son is 2, and beginning tantrums and all the other joys of toddlerhood. I know these are precious years, but every once in awhile I need to be reminded.

thanks, Nisse

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That dirty "O" word

Friday, May 23, 2008

Obese. Yes, that dirty word (what did you think?). I had never thought about that word until I came to spark people. When I joined and programmed in my height and weight etc., my body came out to be obese. I was shocked. Me? How could someone who was used to nicknames such as "little one" and "little Gayl" be obese. But, there it was in black and white. How did I get there??

Yes, hysterectomy, divorce, lumpectomy they all contributed. It's been a tough few years for sure, but obese? I can remember, just before starting S/P, walking into a store that had a sign which read: "Plus size 12 and up, this side". I'm a plus size??? How did that happen. I ran from that store.

Now, I have hit the half way point. I am no longer obese. Overweight, yes, but obese, no. I never, ever will be again. It really brought me to my knees and made me look at who and what I have become. Since I didn't like what I saw, I changed it.

Easy?? Heck no!! But necessary in order to be the best me I can be. I will be a better mom, better friend and better person if I can be happier about who/what I am.

So, this morning I walked the lake. It was a beautiful day and I finally was able to walk those three miles in 45 mins. I even added some time by walking to and from the lake instead of driving.

I'm changing. Not only on the outside but inside too. I want to go backwards as I move forward. Backwards to the person I used to be. Happy, confident and not horrified to look in the mirror. Forward to the new me that my friends and family can be proud of.

I'm here, I'm working hard, I'm staying.

Happy Memorial Day Weekend to all my SparkPeople friends!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BARCINTL 5/24/2008 7:38PM

    Going backwards is a good thing. I just went back 20 years, both weight-wise and career-wise. Not an easy thing and it takes some guts to give up the last two decades (of eating mindlessly, etc), but it's worth moving forward. You're worth it and you'll get to the place of what you need.

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TAMMI1963 5/24/2008 4:05PM

    Your's is a truly inspiring blog entry. Keep up the good work.

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NAOMIJGH 5/23/2008 2:42PM

    While a wise friend said that the number on the size tag doesn't matter, labels of all sorts do make an impression on us. Like you, I got to a point where I just didn't like what I was seeing any more and decided I had to make a change. A little push from the orthopedist about the damage carrying extra weight will do to my arthritic hip didn't hurt, either.

Rockland Lake is a bit out of the way for me, but you never know...

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CELESTE5104 5/23/2008 1:52PM

    Good for you Gayl:) You are on the right track to being a healthier you. You are doing a great job! I look forward to seeing you progress along too. Best of luck and have a great weekend.

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TANSHAN1 5/23/2008 12:28PM

    Girlfriend I feel your pain..how about "MORBIDLY OBESE" at 14??

I was, had my stomach stapled..never learned to eat right or about nutrition and am back up too the same spot 27 years later...

But this time is for real and the right way and for ME!!
WE can do this!

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WINNA01 5/23/2008 12:08PM

    Yea! Reading your entry was inspiring! Congrats on your progress and good luck!

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Walking in the rain

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

I was lucky enough to get out of work a little early today. I decided that I would walk around the lake before I got home because I had this extra time. As I got near my home it started to rain. Drat! As I got closer to the lake (5 mins from my house) it cleared up and I decided to go for it. Being smart, I pulled my umbrella out before I started.

I had gone about 1/2 mile and it started to drizzle. For a moment I thought about turning back but decided to stick it out. It poured all day yesterday and I did no exercise at all. So, I walked.

It rained some, it stopped a little then it rained some more. I hated it even more than usual as I was cold and WET! But....I did it. No excuses, no fan fare, just getting it done.

I really want to be under 140 by July 4th. It's my new goal and in order to make it I have to do everything right. This includes eating right, exercising and drinking the water.

Hopefully, tomorrow I will be able to get out early, walk the lake and then forget about it for the rest of the day. As usual, I take everything in stride!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BLINDBETH 5/22/2008 6:10AM

    Yay! Way to go! That is some real dedication to stick it out in COLD rain. I'm impressed! emoticon

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Pleasant surprises

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Tomorrow is my birthday. Today is my boyfriend's birthday. Tonight is the big party!!! Woohoo, I'm so excited I can't stand it. It will be the first time I'm meeting some of his friends and it will be the first time some of my friends are meeting him. It's going to be great!!! My dear friend Dawn is having the party at her house. Isn't that a fantastic gift??? I'm so blessed to have her in my life!

As you all know, I was trying to lose 20 lbs by my birthday, which I did last week. It has been a tough week since. Mother's Day was not easy and I know I went over my calorie limit but it was worth every bite. I didn't go over again all week but exercise was rare. I was just so busy and those walks around the lake were stymied because of so much rain.

I decided to weigh in this morning instead of tomorrow morning after the party. I'm smart like that *grin*. Much to my surprise I lost ANOTHER POUND!!! Wow!!! 21 lbs. Too bad I'm not turning 21 hahahahaha, but I am really pleased. 30 lbs by the end of July is doable now, but I'm not going to get nuts if I don't make it. I'm just going to stay strong.

Happy Birthday Mike!!!! (he's not here but I just felt like saying that)

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MSCHREF 5/19/2008 4:19PM

    Happy birthday to you both! Isn't it nice to see that July goal as possible? emoticon

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KATIE233 5/19/2008 2:06PM

    hi thanks for stopping bye my spark page. come again. what a nice birthday present losing 21lbs great job! keep going. have a great week.

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TAMMI1963 5/17/2008 12:33PM

    Happy Birthday to both of you. Congrats on the 21 lb weight loss. You should easily hit your goal by July. Have a great time at the party tonight. emoticon

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CELESTE5104 5/17/2008 10:14AM

    Happy Birthday to you both:) You should be very proud of yourself for losing your 20lbs plus one!!!!! Being consistent is a great thing. So this week wasn't the best, that's okay. Just make next week count. Have a good time tonight too:)

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BARCINTL 5/17/2008 9:45AM

    Yay for persistence! And happy birthday to you too, Gayl :)

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