Friday, August 15, 2014
I am 47 years old. I am a night shift nurse. I have an autoimmune disease that is similar to rheumatoid arthritis. I know people who have it affect them a lot worse than it does me, so I am just thankful every day that I can be active when I chose to be. I feel worse now that I have in a long time, even with my RA. I have no energy, I feel miserable and like a failure on the inside and out. My self-esteem has been in the toilet! No more. I deserve better than this and it has been MY CHOICE and my choice alone to keep letting food control me. Today I take it back.
I am a food addict, a compulsive over-eater. The proper name for it is binge-eating disorder. It still boils down to a food addiction. One day in my semesters in the Nursing program, for one of my clinicals I attended an AA meeting at a facility for drug treatment. As I sat through this meeting, I had to fight the tears. Even though they were referring to alcohol addiction, everything they talked about was me and my addiction to food. I felt like I belonged there as much as those that were attending. I went home and told my husband this (who happens to be an alcoholic, but does not go or try to quit completely). I told him I felt like I belonged there. I did make a phone call to a local OA about a meeting but never went. I do know that we can have lots of tools in front of us, but band-aids do not fix the real problem. If the underlying issue is not dealt with, all of the things we use to try to change it will not change it inevitably. It will rise back up. I have come to the conclusion that--- The food is not the problem, it's ME! :)
Mostly I am lazy. I am changing that. I weigh more at this point than I ever have in my life and it is affecting every aspect of it. My eating has been so out of control for so long. One day I am determined and the next it seems I forget what I had planned because of ADD. I am now setting alarms on my phone and sending emails to myself to keep me focused. Ha ha!
Sometimes, I find it ironic that I am a caregiver for others, but don't care for myself as I should. I have read that this is not uncommon for my personality type. I am currently going back to school for my BSN degree and I have been having to do written assessments and care plans on people I know and on classmates. I decided to make myself my own patient. In my mind, it has helped get me ready to commit to this.
My husband is disgusted with me. I don't blame him. It is affecting our relationship and I see it. He is the best man that I have ever had and I want to do this first and foremost for myself, but also for him. I want to make him proud of me once again. My husband said that whatever I have to do as far as food, he is willing to do with me. He is about to get tested on that. ;)
I am sure that cravings and loneliness at night mixed with less affection from my husband when off work are the things that drives me into consuming massive calories and a lot of it high-sugar foods. Although, I do not blame him. This is my own fault. I just know that it contributes. What a vicious circle. Less affection --->More eating--> Gain weight --> Even less affection...>.....My biggest challenge will be when I am working my 12-hr shifts. We always order food out and I usually end up getting high carb foods. I am going to have to start making better choices. I am worth it. Time to "LOVE MYSELF"!
I currently have a right lower extremity injury that I am nursing along. I missed work because of it and it is on the mend. When it is done, I will be full blast in exercise. Tonight I am going to do exercises that donít require me to stand.
I have decided to come back to utilize the tools that have been handed to me for free that can only reinforce my success. I have made attempts and not stuck with them. This time I am setting up rewards for myself. I am tired of living in a prison that I really have the keys to just walk outÖ.painful as it may beÖ.I have to admit that no one has put a spoon to my mouth.
Added motivation goals:
Read my bible daily before anything else (first fruits can only make the rest of the day better)...
Pray as well.
Practice stress relief activities that I have recently learned to keep myself from
feeling like binge-eating.
I am going to do a deep STUDY of the books I have bought on Binge-eating disorder and journal at the same time as I am reading/studying them about things I learn and relate to.
I believe in one magic word in life. BALANCE. In all things. This is my biggest goal. If I follow that, all other things will fall into place.
I feel that my disconnect from God has been a lot of my problem, I have fallen away and allowed the enemy to come in and get a stronghold on me, but strongholds are meant to be broken. :) God says "I set before you life and death. Chose life." Up until now I have been choosing death by mistreating my body and feeling the repercussions of it. Now I am choosing life!!! He gave it to me, I cannot throw it away.
I have memories of how I used to feel. I want that back. I know this for a fact because, painfully, he has told me several times. I donít even like to eat in front of him anymore. I want that gone. I want to sit in a room full of people and feel ok with myself. I want to feel pretty again. I want to look and feel good when I walk into my patient's rooms so I can make a difference in their lives
I know in this life, I have UNENDING tools to use that I have not been using. I will be using them constantly even if I have to put sticky notes all around my house to remind me of what I am doing so I don't get off track..... and, Oh, how I love my MP3 player!! :) Music motivates me, so I need to utilize that also!! OFTEN!