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Wednesday, August 27, 2014

So today i decided enough with the foot injury issues! It's gotten well enough that I can work on it, so I figured I would get out of the house for a walk and enjoy some sunshine and fresh air. I did just that. I felt completely self-conscious walking down the road, feeling like I would be judged by the onlookers, but then I had to remind myself that in order to see the difference, they can see me now and then see the hard work as it starts to fall off of me. emoticon emoticon

When I got back, I discovered that now you can "map your route" via satellite and I did just that via my walk around the lake. I even saved it as a favorite so I can just pull it up again when I repeat it. :) I have seen others use a feature like this on their garmins, etc. but I can do this without having to buy anything. What a nice new feature that they didn't have before when i was active on here.

I even stopped at one of the houses where I played as a young girl and sat on the steps leading down to the lake. I used to go there as a teenager to visit an elderly lady who lived there alone. She always enjoyed my visits and after she was put into a home, when my world seemed to be falling apart for any reason, I would go there and sit on the steps and have some solitude to think about things. too. it was a nice revisit and I will be doing more of it. I enjoyed the lake breeze on my face and smelled the familiar smells. I will look forward to doing it again.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JUNEAU2010 8/28/2014 8:37PM

    What a peaceful, happy and strong blog!

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DEBPRE16 8/27/2014 7:49PM

    emoticon

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MELYROD18 8/27/2014 7:26PM

    emoticon M emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SEATTLE58 8/27/2014 7:25PM

    emoticon You're doing it and I don't even have to say.... emoticon because you already are! emoticon emoticon

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CHANGING-TURTLE 8/27/2014 7:22PM

    emoticon on taking your walk

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I was away for a couple of days, but I'm back!

Friday, August 22, 2014

I worked several days and worked on my school stuff all last night after class. I had a paper that was due this morning and fortunately after hard work, I managed to get it done by the deadline. My foot has been very swollen. It swelled more last night than it ever have. All of these nights of work are not helping it. I now have it wrapped and that is helping take away some of the pressure. It doesn't help me to be very active though. I think I am going to look for some exercises for a wheelchair person just to get in upper body stuff. I feel that maybe this is my sign that I need to appreciate and utilize the days when I have no injury and therefore no excuse. I am always trying to motivate myself thinking about my patients who have lifelong disabilities and how they probably WISH they could do the movement that I am capable of doing on a daily basis. Why do we humans want things when we can't have them and under-appreciate them when they are at our disposal? I hate that this is me. I had an experience earlier that made me realize why I need to not be FAT anymore, for ME! and how I feel.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JUNEAU2010 8/23/2014 8:07PM

    emoticon

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WOUBBIE 8/23/2014 1:00PM

    (((hugs)))

Aw, we learn our lessons over time and, often, the hard way.

A question about the swelling - do you wear support socks/stockings/hose? I've been wearing them for a number of years (at least on work days) with supportive footwear as well, and the difference in swelling and restlessness, as well as outright pain, is remarkable. Fortunately I don't yet need prescription strength, so I just use Jobst brand, but if it ever gets that bad (varicose veins) I won't hesitate to get the stronger ones.

Comment edited on: 8/23/2014 1:00:44 PM

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SEATTLE58 8/23/2014 12:19AM

    Awwww Gayle, I wish that I could wave a magic wand for you, to make it allllll better. To take all your pain away. I know that there are good chair exercises here on SP that could help you feel better about yourself. I'm feeling for you with lots of love and hugs and hope that you can feel some good relief in one way or another with your feet. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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I want to be feel good in my own skin!

Friday, August 15, 2014

I am 47 years old. I am a night shift nurse. I have an autoimmune disease that is similar to rheumatoid arthritis. I know people who have it affect them a lot worse than it does me, so I am just thankful every day that I can be active when I chose to be. I feel worse now that I have in a long time, even with my RA. I have no energy, I feel miserable and like a failure on the inside and out. My self-esteem has been in the toilet! No more. I deserve better than this and it has been MY CHOICE and my choice alone to keep letting food control me. Today I take it back.
I am a food addict, a compulsive over-eater. The proper name for it is binge-eating disorder. It still boils down to a food addiction. One day in my semesters in the Nursing program, for one of my clinicals I attended an AA meeting at a facility for drug treatment. As I sat through this meeting, I had to fight the tears. Even though they were referring to alcohol addiction, everything they talked about was me and my addiction to food. I felt like I belonged there as much as those that were attending. I went home and told my husband this (who happens to be an alcoholic, but does not go or try to quit completely). I told him I felt like I belonged there. I did make a phone call to a local OA about a meeting but never went. I do know that we can have lots of tools in front of us, but band-aids do not fix the real problem. If the underlying issue is not dealt with, all of the things we use to try to change it will not change it inevitably. It will rise back up. I have come to the conclusion that--- The food is not the problem, it's ME! :)
Mostly I am lazy. I am changing that. I weigh more at this point than I ever have in my life and it is affecting every aspect of it. My eating has been so out of control for so long. One day I am determined and the next it seems I forget what I had planned because of ADD. I am now setting alarms on my phone and sending emails to myself to keep me focused. Ha ha!
Sometimes, I find it ironic that I am a caregiver for others, but don't care for myself as I should. I have read that this is not uncommon for my personality type. I am currently going back to school for my BSN degree and I have been having to do written assessments and care plans on people I know and on classmates. I decided to make myself my own patient. In my mind, it has helped get me ready to commit to this.
My husband is disgusted with me. I don't blame him. It is affecting our relationship and I see it. He is the best man that I have ever had and I want to do this first and foremost for myself, but also for him. I want to make him proud of me once again. My husband said that whatever I have to do as far as food, he is willing to do with me. He is about to get tested on that. ;)
I am sure that cravings and loneliness at night mixed with less affection from my husband when off work are the things that drives me into consuming massive calories and a lot of it high-sugar foods. Although, I do not blame him. This is my own fault. I just know that it contributes. What a vicious circle. Less affection --->More eating--> Gain weight --> Even less affection...>.....My biggest challenge will be when I am working my 12-hr shifts. We always order food out and I usually end up getting high carb foods. I am going to have to start making better choices. I am worth it. Time to "LOVE MYSELF"!

I currently have a right lower extremity injury that I am nursing along. I missed work because of it and it is on the mend. When it is done, I will be full blast in exercise. Tonight I am going to do exercises that donít require me to stand.
I have decided to come back to utilize the tools that have been handed to me for free that can only reinforce my success. I have made attempts and not stuck with them. This time I am setting up rewards for myself. I am tired of living in a prison that I really have the keys to just walk outÖ.painful as it may beÖ.I have to admit that no one has put a spoon to my mouth.

Added motivation goals:
Read my bible daily before anything else (first fruits can only make the rest of the day better)...
Pray as well.
Practice stress relief activities that I have recently learned to keep myself from
feeling like binge-eating.
I am going to do a deep STUDY of the books I have bought on Binge-eating disorder and journal at the same time as I am reading/studying them about things I learn and relate to.
I believe in one magic word in life. BALANCE. In all things. This is my biggest goal. If I follow that, all other things will fall into place.

I feel that my disconnect from God has been a lot of my problem, I have fallen away and allowed the enemy to come in and get a stronghold on me, but strongholds are meant to be broken. :) God says "I set before you life and death. Chose life." Up until now I have been choosing death by mistreating my body and feeling the repercussions of it. Now I am choosing life!!! He gave it to me, I cannot throw it away.

I have memories of how I used to feel. I want that back. I know this for a fact because, painfully, he has told me several times. I donít even like to eat in front of him anymore. I want that gone. I want to sit in a room full of people and feel ok with myself. I want to feel pretty again. I want to look and feel good when I walk into my patient's rooms so I can make a difference in their lives
I know in this life, I have UNENDING tools to use that I have not been using. I will be using them constantly even if I have to put sticky notes all around my house to remind me of what I am doing so I don't get off track..... and, Oh, how I love my MP3 player!! :) Music motivates me, so I need to utilize that also!! OFTEN!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WOUBBIE 8/17/2014 11:24AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

One thing you should have "taken away" from the addiction training is that there is an addictive substance involved. Detox from that first, or you stand no chance to succeed.

Someone made a comment on a forum post today about heroin addicts not being able to just "cut back". Sugar is an addicting substance, and starch is just sugar in storage form, so it's just as addicting.

Weight loss happens in the kitchen, not the gym. Exercise is for health, not weight loss. (How do you "work up an appetite"? Bingo!) So get your activity because it makes you feel great, not because it burns calories.

You MUST read up on the subject of low carb to understand it. I recommend starting with Gary Taubes' Why We Get Fat and What To Do About It. It's a real eye-opener, and he wrote it as a science writer, not to sell weight loss products.

Also, a great, free, quick reference is here at About.com:

http://lowcarbdie
ts.about.com



Comment edited on: 8/17/2014 11:25:13 AM

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WALKINGCHICK 8/17/2014 6:48AM

    You have a lot on your plate, so go easy. Be kind to yourself over all - you have many great qualities and I would encourage you to write them down and remind yourself of them regularly. Look back on your successes and celebrate them. Self love is the greatest gift you can give yourself - it isn't easy, many of us struggle to achieve that goal, but take it one step at a time.
Make time to breathe and appreciate what is around you - this helps you to relax and not only enjoy your surroundings but also yourself.
You sound like a very caring person, and a lovely person, just direct a bit of it to yourself.
emoticon emoticon

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JUNEAU2010 8/16/2014 10:46PM

    emoticon

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GEMINICHIK 8/16/2014 6:24PM

    Timothy 7:7
"Ask and it will be given to you; search, and you will find; knock and the door will be opened for you."
Best of luck

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WEARINGTHIN 8/16/2014 1:17AM

    Ease up on yourself. Be your own friend. And you are not lazy. You are a nurse, and are going for more schooling. That sounds like motivation to me. Glenn

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DWROBERGE 8/16/2014 12:26AM

    Keep focused for success. You can do it too. Go for it.

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ARMATTHAEI 8/15/2014 11:01PM

    Congratulations on this start to a healthier life. I have had many of the same feelings and issues you are facing. I don't have RA, my is just seasonal allergies in just about every season of the year. I hope only the best for you.

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