Thursday, December 26, 2013
I am 45 y.o. and am a night shift nurse. I have rheumatoid arthritis but know people who have it affect them a lot worse than it does me, so I am just thankful every day that I can be active when i chose to be. Mostly I am lazy. I am working on changing that. I also am a compulsive over-eater. I weigh more at this point than I ever have in my life and it is affecting every aspect of it. My eating has been so out of control for so long. One day I am determined and the next it seems I forget what I had planned because of ADD. I find it ironic that I am a caregiver for others, but don't care for myself as I should. I decided a few days ago, that I was going to make a change starting the day after Christmas (with all the meals and treats) and today is that day.
My husband is disgusted with me. I don't blame him. It is affecting our relationship and i see it circling a drain. He is the best man that I have ever had and I want to do this first and foremost for myself, but also for him. I want to make him proud of me once again. My husband said that whatever I have to do as far as food, he is willing to do with me.
I am sure that cravings and lonliness at night mixed with less affection from my husband when off work are the things that drives me into consuming massive calories and a lot of it high-sugar foods. Although, I do not blame him. This is my own fault. I just know that it contributes. What a vicious circle. Less affection --->More eating--> Gain weight --> Even less affection...>.....My biggest challenge will be when i am working my 12 hr shifts. We always order food out and I usually end up getting high carb foods. I am going to have to start making better choices. I am worth it. Time to "LOVE MYSELF"!
This evening I went to the gym for the first time in a while. I walked on the treadmill for an hour. My knee hurt after some time, my right hip bursiitis that has been aflame for a few months now was causing me serious pain, but I walked through it. I plan to continue to do so. No pain, no gain, right? Well, no. I do know that I have to push past some of it to make any progress, but I won't injure myself to the point that I cannot exercise. I know that I have to listen to my body.
Friday, September 13, 2013
-to feel better in general
-to feel good in clothes again
-to have more energy
-to make my husband proud
-go to Cedar Point
-to not feel so self-conscious
-to get out an dance when the band plays
-to have better heart health
-less edema issues after long shifts
-more energy for the bedroom and not so self-conscious
-less femoral nerve pain
-hear comments about noticing weight loss
-make Ray proud
-surprise my prior trainer
-Less joint pain from RA
-lower risk of Diabetes (since both sides of my family are loaded with it)
-lower risk of Heart diesease (same reasons)
-Can enjoy clothes shopping
Friday, September 13, 2013
Today when I was sleeping, ( I work night shift), I dreampt that I went to the department store and was trying on clothes. I had a special occasion to go to (can't remember what) and I walked in and told the lady, I need something nice to wear to this event. I told her the sleeves had to be long to cover my fat arms, the top had to be long, to not worry about it riding up and showing my gut when I sat down, that the pants had to be comfortable when I sat down. She took me right to this outfit hanging on the rack and I tried it on and it was perfect!! I was so happy, that I didn't care what the price was. I was even looking for another outfit similar but in different colors, because I would have bought that too. There weren't any more in that size (story of my life). When I woke up, I was thinking about that dream. How long has it been since I have tried something on and actually felt GOOD in it? THAT is what I want again. I have done a little praying lately and I beleive God gave that dream to me to motivate me. I feel worse now that I have in a long time, even with my RA. I have no energy, I feel miserable and like a failure on the inside and out. No more. I deserve better than this and it has been MY CHOICE and my choice alone to keep letting food control me. Today I take it back. When I got up, I had 1/2 cup potato salad and am drinking water for the first time in a long time. No more self-abuse!! I am going to try on an outfit at some point and feel good again! I am going to be ATTRACTIVE once again. :)
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
I am a food addict. One day in my semesters in the Nursing program, for one of my clinicals I attended an AA meeting at a facility for drug treatment. As I sat through this meeting, I was almost in tears. Even though they were referring to alchohol addiction, everything they talked about was me and my addiction to food. I felt like I belonged there as much as those that were attending. I went home and told my husband this (who happens to be an alchoholic, but does not go or try to quit completely). I told him I felt like I belonged there. I did make a phone call to a local OA about a meeting but never went. I do know that we can have lots of tools in front of us, but bandaids do not fix the real problem. If the underlying issue is not dealt with, all of the things we use to try to change it will not change it inevitably. It will rise back up. I had been considering the lap-band surgery but now know that this as well would be a tool that would not fix the real problem. It does not cause self-control forever. I know of people who have gotten this and down the road been back in the same boat. It was a way in my mind to help find some self-control. I need to find it within myself. Surgery will not give it to me. I feel good that I am digging deeper. The food is not the problem, it's ME! :)
I have decided to come back to utilize the tools that have been handed to me for free that can only reinforce my success. I have made attempts and not stuck with them. This time I am setting up rewards for myself.
I had a major painful event in my life a couple of years that creeps up on me at times. Sometimes, I feel depressed and want to eat because of it but I am determined to make it into a positive and let it motivate me instead.
I also work nights as an RN so it makes it a bit more of a challenge since my days tend to get all messed up, making it hard to have a routine on a daily basis as well as my shift loves to eat! They order out almost every night I work. I do love it because it gives me something to look forward to, but I have to make wise choices. That is the hardest part.
I have set some goals for myself for this next year, not too overwhelming and reachable in several areas of my life that can only compliment my weight loss success. I am no longer of the mindset of "if I can" do this, but rather "I WILL" do this. One of my goals is to get on Spark daily and look at other's successes to inpsire me to keep me moving in the right direction. I am tired of living in a prison that I really have the keys to just walk out….painful as it may be….I have to admit that no one has put a spoon to my mouth.
Read my bible daily before anything else (first fruits can only make the rest of the day better)...
Pray as well.
Daily weigh-in on the days that I am not working.
Get on Spark Daily and record weight, food eaten, fitness tracker and see pages for inspiration.
Eat more vegetables and fruits daily.
Practice stress relief activities that I have recently learned to keep myself from
feeling like binge-eating.
Do an actual deep STUDY of the books I have on Binge-eating disorder and journal at the same time as I am reading/studying them.
I beleive in one magic word in life. BALANCE. In all things. This is my biggest goal. If I follow that, all other things will fall into place.
I know one of the best ways to keep my motivation (which I seem to be horrible at when it comes to losing weight) is to keep asking myself what do I want and why do I want it. So I am posting the following:
What are my goals for myself?
-To have a closer relationship with my Lord Jesus Christ.
-To lose weight steadily until I reach my goal of 155.
-To start to tan, to have nails
-To get my house back in order
-To feel good again!!!
-To make my husband and other family members proud of me rather than ashamed.
-To feel more confident in all that I do.
-To feel my clothes start to fit better
-To hear compliments from people that don't necessarily know that I am watching what I eat, that they can see that I am losing weight.
-My disconnect with God has been alot of my problem, I have fallen away and allowed the enemy to come in and get a stronghold but Strongholds are meant to be broken. :)
-I felt better when I had a tan too and nails.
-Everyone feels better when their house is clean and organized, women tend to reflect inside how their environment is and if our house is messy, we feel messy inside.
-I have memories of when I felt good, I can have that again if I make wise choices. The power is within me and no one else!
-My husband deserves a wife he can feel proud of in front of anyone and that goes for the rest of my family and friends too.
I worked hard for 3 ½ years to get my RN degree. It was a long road of sitting, hardly time for exercise, and more sitting. I had had to face feeling like a prisoner in my own body, embarrassed of how fat I am in so many situations, family gatherings, vacations, in my clinicals, even just sitting in my classes. I was always the biggest one in the room. I can be free of that now, I have no more excuses!
I mentioned that now and then I have memories of how I used to feel. I want that back. I feel I have disappointed my husband. I know this for a fact because, painfully, he has told me several times. I want that gone. I want to sit in a room full of people and feel ok with myself. I want to feel pretty again. I want to look and feel good when I walk into my patient's rooms so I can make a difference in their lives. I have started to juice fruits put antioxidants into my body. God says "I set before you life and death. Chose life." Up until now I have been chosing death by mistreating my body and feeling the repercussions of it. Now I am chosing life!!! He gave it to me, I cannot throw it away. I am ready to feel good again.
I am going to journal daily/nightly when I am at home alone. I am going to STUDY books that I have bought about binge eating disorder and journal about the things I learn and relate to.
I know in this life, I have UNENDING tools to use that I have not been using. I will be using them constantly even if I have to put sticky notes all around my house to remind me of what I am doing so I don't get off track.....
and Oh, how I love my MP3 player!! :)
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