Monday, February 01, 2010
I have been squirming before the uncomfortable truth that there is some ugly element of acquisitiveness in my response to food. I feel a sense of gratification when I have an abundance of some food, unrelated to my hunger level or physical need. I want to change this. I want to bring my mind and emotions up to date with the REALITY of my present.
It has been 40 years since I experienced any uncertainty about my food supply. Forty years of always having enough! And even in those earliest years, while I may have been frequently uncomfortable, I was never undernourished or unhealthy. Yet now I still behave toward food like an impoverished person.
I am not a refugee, by God's mercy. I am not under siege during wartime. Why do I still view food like someone who has starved and expects to starve? Beck's requirement to sit down has made me vividly aware of this tendency. I feel compelled to lick knives and spoons (so much that I go and sit down to do it, since I'm voluntarily under the Beck edict). I wet my finger to dab crumbs off of plates (stopped myself on this one: "I am not in a concentration camp. I have enough food. I don't need to do this.") When another person has something nice to eat, I am dignified enough to keep my silence and my countenance, but inwardly I am leering at their treat like one who's been shipwrecked.
Certainly I have so much to learn in my faltering steps toward trusting my Creator, yet this by His own prescription is a foundational premise . . . when Jesus Christ taught his followers to pray, he specified the request, "Give us this day our daily bread." www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search
Am I, or am I not, going to trust my Father in heaven who has been unvaryingly faithful to me?
I can choose at least to give my faith feet of action. I will keep doing the disciplines that Beck outlines. The Beck program certainly has me catching myself in myriad unconscious food behaviors that surprise and embarrass me. And Beck has taught me how to create a script for myself, teaching myself to begin to normalize my responses. Belated baby steps for a child of the King!
Have you ever been on a web page for a while, and you know something's not current? I sometimes have to click "Refresh" so that the browser updates the page to reflect the latest
accuracy. I've been using this mental image to gently correct myself when I catch myself in the street urchin mode toward food. "Refresh your page, dear. You not in any danger of going hungry." "Update your screen, my friend. You need to reflect the PRESENT REALITY. You have enough. You will have enough later today, and tomorrow as well."