Okay, No more secrets!

Saturday, May 14, 2011

I recently wrote about telling on myself. Not sliding quietly by in the shadows, particularly when I'm not really doing what I said I was doing. And not bothering to correct misperceptions.

Well, equally, there is another side. Today I hit my goal on the scale. 10 lb weight loss. I have been working toward this since March. And I find, I don't want to tell anyone. 'Maybe it isn't real.' 'Maybe I should wait to say anything until it stays there for a week or so, before I say anything.' 'Maybe I haven't really succeeded in what I set out to do.' 'Maybe it wasn't really that big a deal after all. It is only 10 lbs, and others have lost hundreds.'

I think that these strong tendencies to not value myself, and not value what I do accomplish play a huge role in my life. And keeping me stuck. And maybe not being as happy as I could be. Those strong prohibitions of not bragging (or complaining or asking for help) have been taken to such extremes. My head knows there is a difference between bragging, and saying out loud "You did something hard for you. Job well done Dawn." But inside it feels too similar.

So here goes. Today I reached my goal. 10 lbs. And I am proud of it and myself for sticking to it, and actually doing it. Job well done Dawn!

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KMIRANDA2000 5/14/2011 8:35PM

That is so fantasric...I am soooo very happy for you! Report Inappropriate Comment

CANNIE50 5/14/2011 3:03PM

YOU DID SOMETHING HARD FOR YOU - JOB WELL DONE DAWN! Yes, yes, yes - you did do something hard, and you did do something well, and you did do a hard job, well I think you are on to something. It is okay to keep our head down sometimes, but sometimes it is time to throw our shoulders back, head up, eyes straight ahead, and announce our presence. This is inspiring to me (straight from the middle of yet another, but at least not unexpected, plateau). I am proud of you and I am glad you are proud of what you accomplished. Report Inappropriate Comment

No more secrets!

Monday, May 09, 2011

Well, our secrets are what get us. So here goes. I set a goal in late March to lose 10 lbs by June 1. And started out really well. Tracking my food, lots of exercise, REALLY limiting evening eating. And did really well. Got as close as a 9 lb weight lose. But then life came along. Two trips out of town. The flu. Too tired to really follow my program. So here I am. Three weeks to go and three pounds to go. Very doable. But I have to DO it. I can feel and am enjoying the weight lose and the better shape my body is in. Being stronger. But I find that I want to just settle for where I am now, rather than really pursue my goal. And finish what I set out to do. The urge to 'sell my self short' is SO STRONG.

So I'm writing to put this out in the open. Hopefully with your support and encouragement, I can get back to it. I want to feel like a success. Not just an 'also ran,' pretty good, but not quite there. There is sort of this battle inside about not being too hard on myself and demanding perfection, and selling myself short of what I really set out to do. My goal is realistic. And within reach. So today is Monday. Time for another fresh start. On June 1, I really want to be able to say that I reached the goal I've been circling for the last almost 5 years.

I guess now I just have to do it. Thanks for listening.

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

-WISPY- 5/10/2011 5:11PM

Hey Dawn, so happy to see you. I too have been resting on my laurels for the last year and quite happily maintaining. HOWEVER I was in hospital and what with the mirrors on the bathroom wall and that stip lighting I looked like a baby pink elephant (and a sagging one at that). So I started again this week back to my lo cal losing programme. One day at a time right. Feeling good to be checking in my food each day. We can all do this ladies. Lets get up and at em. Hugs Wispy Report Inappropriate Comment

CANNIE50 5/9/2011 5:08PM

Oh, hey, I am in this club, too! Laurels, anyone? Care to take a rest? My old friend complacency is knocking on my door, wanting to come in and take up my time. Well, I am not answering and neither are you and neither is Stephanie. We have business to take care of - the business of getting as fit and healthy as we deserve to be, as fit and healthy as we are willing to work for. We are in this together. Spark on! Report Inappropriate Comment

SBATES63 5/9/2011 2:44PM

You too eh? I keep telling myself that I am in so much better health than I was before Sparkpeople, that where I am is good enough. But it's not. Time to get back to business. we can do this! Report Inappropriate Comment

I see a pattern here.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Well, I have been so diligent, following Sparkpeople menu plans, tracking food, no extra treats. And I have seen wonderful success. Still a little way to my goal, but headed there. And I have a good map, so all I have to do is keep going. Right?

Not me. It wouldn't be a challenge if I didn't make it hard. And maybe even try to thwart myself. Is it possible I'm not comfortable with my own success? That the image as a failure, or at least not good enough is more consistent with how I see myself. Also telling people that I am doing well, only ups the ante for sabotaging Dawn.

So for the last 4 days, I have fallen off the Sparkpeople wagon. Not binging, but not tracking my food. We went away for a few days, so I was eating restaurant food. I even ordered my favorite dessert one night. My husband even asked "What kind of diet are you on?" And I just said that I had been so good for so long.......

I have done this over and over and over. See progress, and then undo it all. Lose 5 lbs, and then gorge on ice cream and gain 6. "Well it's a holiday weekend, right?" " I'll get back to it on Monday." "A little won't make me gain weight." "I just want to eat like a normal person." "I'm SO tired of tracking my food." It is this little Devil Dawn sitting on my shoulder, whispering in my ear. Trying to keep me locked into the 'self deprecating not good enough' state I seem so comfortable with.

I think I am writing this blog to tell on myself. Hopefully before it is too late. I really want this success. I really want it too be different this time. I can see how it is possible. But those old habits, those old patterns of behavior are so strong. This new way of being is less comfortable. Less familiar. Doesn't fit like an old shoe. But I think it is time to get new shoes.

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CANNIE50 4/23/2011 1:21PM

Yes, it is time for new shoes I am glad you told on yourself. As you know, from reading my blogs (thank you by the way) I tell on myself a lot, too. I like that your husband is not afraid to question you - yet does it in a curious, "just checking" kind of manner. Okay, that is done and you are here, now. To use a rather tired (but apt, I believe) metaphor: this is not a sprint, it is not even a marathon, it is an ULTRA marathon. You know how those crazy ultra people make their bodies go a hundred miles, don't you? They just keep moving forward. They do not run full out the whole time, sometimes they barely shuffle but they shuffle forward. Sometimes they have a nice, gentle downhill, sometimes a brutal uphill, sometimes just a pedestrian flat stretch but they KEEP INCHING FORWARD, and they stop for brief rests, and water, and fuel but they don't lie down and give in because it is too hard to get back up. Catch your breath, drink your water, eat your fuel, and get back here on the course with your fellow ultramarathoners. We need you here and we know you have it in you. You haven't made it this far by accident - you are here for a reason. Okay, then, carry on Report Inappropriate Comment

Following Directions!

Monday, April 18, 2011

What? Read the instruction manual and follow the 'easy step-by-step' directions? I can put this chair/tent/computer/life together better than anyone! Aren't things that are well designed just supposed to be intuitive? I don't need someone else telling ME what to do. "I Did It My Way!" This is me. And this is the way I have run my life. Not "Father Knows Best," but "Dawn Knows Best!"

Until recently. A few years back, I was given a set of simple directions to stop alcohol from ruining my life. I followed them, and got my life back! Incredible!

Then my weight. Hey, I know what to do. I know about food and exercise and metabolism. I went to medical school. Just put in less than comes out. So I joined Sparkpeople, and started reading all kinds of healthy recipe books, and exercise guides, and bought low-fat ice cream. And actually did very little. Skipped breakfast, and maybe even lunch. And guess what, my weight just kept creeping up. And up. And up. And I felt miserable. And worthless, and incompetent. And fat. And desperate. But other people loose weight? Why can't I? And they don't even KNOW as much as I do? I hadn't learned anything. Except that desperate feeling felt SO familiar.

So, one month ago, I decided to follow the simple directions that were right in front of me, on Sparkpeople. And today, I saw a number on the scale in the 130's, for the first time in YEARS!!!!! I have lost 9 lbs. Not a huge amount, but enough that I can feel and see the difference in my body. Actually more than I would have thought in a month. Enough that I feel stronger and better than I have in a long time. Enough that I have dropped below that defeating plateau. And my mood and energy are significantly improved. I'm not dragging around all day with a bottomed-out blood sugar from starving myself. In fact, I have seldom felt hungry. Just satisfied with healthy nutritious food.

What a concept! Following directions. Admitting that my way isn't working. Opening my ears and listening, and then doing what I am told. I think that in the last month, my success is more about personal growth, being more humble and patient, than about just weight loss and exercise. Following the directions. Life can be a struggle, which can be eased a little by learning from those that have gone before us.

Following directions! What a concept!

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LOSINGLINNDY 4/19/2011 6:36PM

Congratulations on your 9 pound release. I enjoyed reading your blog. Got to get that follow directions concept embedded into my mind. Report Inappropriate Comment

CANNIE50 4/18/2011 3:31PM

Okay, not to be naggy, but, time to update your ticker! Wow! Love the blog, love your writing style, love your progress. I can so relate to so much of what you shared. Actually, I have often said "I love to be told what to do", but that usually means in the area of exercise. I have found that exercise buddies, and a personal trainer friend, and classes are all good tools for me. As far as food goes, I am doing far better but still clinging to some old ideas. I can see that at some point I will become more willing to follow better directions, nutritionally speaking. I am quite happy for you Report Inappropriate Comment

SBATES63 4/18/2011 2:59PM

I suppose I should follow the directions for losing weight. I have know what they are and I have know for years and years. Why do I not realize that doing it my way is going nowhere? I have proved that my way doesn't work in other aspects of my life, so maybe I will learn some day. I seem to move and accept things when the pain of doing it my way becomes more than I can bear. I'm getting there with my weight. Report Inappropriate Comment

SUNRIZING 4/18/2011 1:04PM

Your revelation is amazing! I know b/c thats what my friends are trying to help me start realising. I'm not humble enough, thats the bottom line. I think 'Joenetta' knows best and try to do it my way or alone. Thing is...that never works! Its just a huge hurdle to finally realise that I don't have all the answers. Even when I think I'm right...I have to accept that maybe I'm NOT. I have to stop leaning on my own strength. I understand exactly what you're saying. Follow directions! Just make sure you're listening to the RIGHT person..if you know what i mean. ps you have always been a wonderful friend to me, I just thought you should know that and~ on the weight loss!!! I can't wait till I hit 130!!! Report Inappropriate Comment

NEWMEPA 4/18/2011 1:01PM

Very well written. I too do not like to follow directions until I realize why we have directions. To guide us and to help us. I had to learn I don't know everything and never will. Report Inappropriate Comment

Argh! The hare in a tortoise's body!

Wednesday, April 06, 2011

Well, it is Wednesday weigh-in, and I am down .2 lbs. Well, rather than be pleased that the direction is down, I am feeling agitated and irritable. Only 2/10ths!?! I did everything right ALL WEEK! Didn't go over, even once. Ate according to the meal plans. Exercised. Drank my water. I was hoping for fireworks and marching bands and another 5 lb lose. I know, I know. That isn't how it works. But my spirit is like the hare, I want to sprint on ahead, and I think I'll get there faster. I've done that over and over. Starve myself, work-out until I can't move. Only to go on an ice cream binge, and fail in the end. My body is like the tortoise: slowly slowly inching along to a new lighter healthier me. And if I stay on the path, I will eventually get there.

When I was a little girl, my parents built a house. And everyday they would drive out and see what the builders had accomplished. And I could never see any progress. Always looked the same as the day before. What were those guys doing? But my parents took pictures. And gradually, very slowly when you began to compare them, through that lens, I could see the changes. And one day we moved into that house that now stood on what had been an open field the year before, where we had flown kites.

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CANNIE50 4/9/2011 2:18PM

I won't say too much since I just left a long comment on your other blog, plus a comment on your page - you are probably SICK of me by now. But, I, too, have had to resign from the punish and indulge, starve and binge cycle. It's a relief. Report Inappropriate Comment

SUNRIZING 4/7/2011 10:55AM

I agree with SBATES63. Great blog and good remnder1 THANX Report Inappropriate Comment

SBATES63 4/6/2011 4:03PM

Strange as it may be, I totally understand what you are talking about. I finally am becoming content with tiny losses rather that the fits of diet and exercise, then periods of excess eating. Slowly you and I will get there, and pass those hares on their way back up the scale. Report Inappropriate Comment