Saturday, May 14, 2011
I recently wrote about telling on myself. Not sliding quietly by in the shadows, particularly when I'm not really doing what I said I was doing. And not bothering to correct misperceptions.
Well, equally, there is another side. Today I hit my goal on the scale. 10 lb weight loss. I have been working toward this since March. And I find, I don't want to tell anyone. 'Maybe it isn't real.' 'Maybe I should wait to say anything until it stays there for a week or so, before I say anything.' 'Maybe I haven't really succeeded in what I set out to do.' 'Maybe it wasn't really that big a deal after all. It is only 10 lbs, and others have lost hundreds.'
I think that these strong tendencies to not value myself, and not value what I do accomplish play a huge role in my life. And keeping me stuck. And maybe not being as happy as I could be. Those strong prohibitions of not bragging (or complaining or asking for help) have been taken to such extremes. My head knows there is a difference between bragging, and saying out loud "You did something hard for you. Job well done Dawn." But inside it feels too similar.
So here goes. Today I reached my goal. 10 lbs. And I am proud of it and myself for sticking to it, and actually doing it. Job well done Dawn!
Monday, May 09, 2011
Well, our secrets are what get us. So here goes. I set a goal in late March to lose 10 lbs by June 1. And started out really well. Tracking my food, lots of exercise, REALLY limiting evening eating. And did really well. Got as close as a 9 lb weight lose. But then life came along. Two trips out of town. The flu. Too tired to really follow my program. So here I am. Three weeks to go and three pounds to go. Very doable. But I have to DO it. I can feel and am enjoying the weight lose and the better shape my body is in. Being stronger. But I find that I want to just settle for where I am now, rather than really pursue my goal. And finish what I set out to do. The urge to 'sell my self short' is SO STRONG.
So I'm writing to put this out in the open. Hopefully with your support and encouragement, I can get back to it. I want to feel like a success. Not just an 'also ran,' pretty good, but not quite there. There is sort of this battle inside about not being too hard on myself and demanding perfection, and selling myself short of what I really set out to do. My goal is realistic. And within reach. So today is Monday. Time for another fresh start. On June 1, I really want to be able to say that I reached the goal I've been circling for the last almost 5 years.
I guess now I just have to do it. Thanks for listening.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Well, I have been so diligent, following Sparkpeople menu plans, tracking food, no extra treats. And I have seen wonderful success. Still a little way to my goal, but headed there. And I have a good map, so all I have to do is keep going. Right?
Not me. It wouldn't be a challenge if I didn't make it hard. And maybe even try to thwart myself. Is it possible I'm not comfortable with my own success? That the image as a failure, or at least not good enough is more consistent with how I see myself. Also telling people that I am doing well, only ups the ante for sabotaging Dawn.
So for the last 4 days, I have fallen off the Sparkpeople wagon. Not binging, but not tracking my food. We went away for a few days, so I was eating restaurant food. I even ordered my favorite dessert one night. My husband even asked "What kind of diet are you on?" And I just said that I had been so good for so long.......
I have done this over and over and over. See progress, and then undo it all. Lose 5 lbs, and then gorge on ice cream and gain 6. "Well it's a holiday weekend, right?" " I'll get back to it on Monday." "A little won't make me gain weight." "I just want to eat like a normal person." "I'm SO tired of tracking my food." It is this little Devil Dawn sitting on my shoulder, whispering in my ear. Trying to keep me locked into the 'self deprecating not good enough' state I seem so comfortable with.
I think I am writing this blog to tell on myself. Hopefully before it is too late. I really want this success. I really want it too be different this time. I can see how it is possible. But those old habits, those old patterns of behavior are so strong. This new way of being is less comfortable. Less familiar. Doesn't fit like an old shoe. But I think it is time to get new shoes.
Monday, April 18, 2011
What? Read the instruction manual and follow the 'easy step-by-step' directions? I can put this chair/tent/computer/life together better than anyone! Aren't things that are well designed just supposed to be intuitive? I don't need someone else telling ME what to do. "I Did It My Way!" This is me. And this is the way I have run my life. Not "Father Knows Best," but "Dawn Knows Best!"
Until recently. A few years back, I was given a set of simple directions to stop alcohol from ruining my life. I followed them, and got my life back! Incredible!
Then my weight. Hey, I know what to do. I know about food and exercise and metabolism. I went to medical school. Just put in less than comes out. So I joined Sparkpeople, and started reading all kinds of healthy recipe books, and exercise guides, and bought low-fat ice cream. And actually did very little. Skipped breakfast, and maybe even lunch. And guess what, my weight just kept creeping up. And up. And up. And I felt miserable. And worthless, and incompetent. And fat. And desperate. But other people loose weight? Why can't I? And they don't even KNOW as much as I do? I hadn't learned anything. Except that desperate feeling felt SO familiar.
So, one month ago, I decided to follow the simple directions that were right in front of me, on Sparkpeople. And today, I saw a number on the scale in the 130's, for the first time in YEARS!!!!! I have lost 9 lbs. Not a huge amount, but enough that I can feel and see the difference in my body. Actually more than I would have thought in a month. Enough that I feel stronger and better than I have in a long time. Enough that I have dropped below that defeating plateau. And my mood and energy are significantly improved. I'm not dragging around all day with a bottomed-out blood sugar from starving myself. In fact, I have seldom felt hungry. Just satisfied with healthy nutritious food.
What a concept! Following directions. Admitting that my way isn't working. Opening my ears and listening, and then doing what I am told. I think that in the last month, my success is more about personal growth, being more humble and patient, than about just weight loss and exercise. Following the directions. Life can be a struggle, which can be eased a little by learning from those that have gone before us.
Following directions! What a concept!
Wednesday, April 06, 2011
Well, it is Wednesday weigh-in, and I am down .2 lbs. Well, rather than be pleased that the direction is down, I am feeling agitated and irritable. Only 2/10ths!?! I did everything right ALL WEEK! Didn't go over, even once. Ate according to the meal plans. Exercised. Drank my water. I was hoping for fireworks and marching bands and another 5 lb lose. I know, I know. That isn't how it works. But my spirit is like the hare, I want to sprint on ahead, and I think I'll get there faster. I've done that over and over. Starve myself, work-out until I can't move. Only to go on an ice cream binge, and fail in the end. My body is like the tortoise: slowly slowly inching along to a new lighter healthier me. And if I stay on the path, I will eventually get there.
When I was a little girl, my parents built a house. And everyday they would drive out and see what the builders had accomplished. And I could never see any progress. Always looked the same as the day before. What were those guys doing? But my parents took pictures. And gradually, very slowly when you began to compare them, through that lens, I could see the changes. And one day we moved into that house that now stood on what had been an open field the year before, where we had flown kites.
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