Friday, November 25, 2011
Can you?? I used to want to believe that it was possible, now I'm not so sure anymore.
I used to work with a lady who was obese, and I'll always remember once she told me that she had decided to stop obsessing with her weight and had decided to love herself the way she was.
At first I thought it was a good thing to do, because it is important that we all love ourselves first before being able to love others. We must accept our flaws, we must accept ourselves the way we are. This sounded good for the longest time, until recently when I started understanding that as much as I wanted it, I can't love myself the way I am now, because this is not who I am.
I wasn't always fat. I didn't always feel this way. I used to love myself, when I weighed 150 lbs and was fit. Back then I didn't mind having my picture taken, I didn't walk away from mirrors, I didn't constantly fight my emotions and deny my problems. Life was simpler then.
So how can I love myself now that I weigh so much more? I am not the same person. Yes, I am ashamed to say that I let myself go for 20 years and that I gained 111 lbs during this time. So I ask this: how can I possibly love my body now?
I think that pretending to love myself "the way I am" for the past few years was the perfect excuse not to have to change things! But that doesn't work for me anymore...
The truth is this:
No, I am not happy with the way I look and the way I feel. This is not me, this is not who I am. Deep down inside I am not a fat girl. The thin, healthy girl inside me is screaming to get out. She has been screaming for many years but I just didn't listen. The fat girl on the outside tried to make her shut up...
Another truth is this: I am sick of being the fat one. Sick of people saying it and of me pretending to accept it. Deep down it hurts me when people comment on my weight. It is NOT true that I accept it because "this is the way I am". The thin girl inside me hurts when she hears comments.
A few weeks ago my sister-in-law gave me a dress that she made for herself 2 years ago. She lost weight herself and the dress doesn't fit her anymore, so she was happy to give it to me. While I know her and know all too well that she only meant to be nice, it still hurt me because I am still the fat one. The dress fits me perfectly too... There is not on ounce of malice in my sister-in-law and I know she meant well, but it was yet another reminder that I am fat... too fat.
And I am sick of it.
No, I do not love my body the way it looks. I am not talking about this or that specific body part, I am talking about the excess fat I have.
But the good news is: I can do something about it. And I am doing it. No more excuses like "this is who I am". No, this is NOT who I am.
Starting now, I will let the thin girl come back to surface and I will love her, I will cherish her, I will treat her well, the way she deserves to be treated. I will treat her with respect, I will allow her self-confidence. I will listen to her when she talks, I will trust how she feels.
And the fat girl? Well, she will slowly vanish, but I will never forget her. She was a BIG part of me for many years, she taught me many valuable lessons. Maybe with time I can stop hating her.
Here's to the thin girl inside me!
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Sounds like a lot, but considering that I had 111 lbs to lose when I started this journey, I'd say this is not so bad! It sure is nice not to have to lose over 100 lbs...
My journey has been like a rollercoaster, emotionally anyways. I went from wanting to lose weight really badly, to getting frustrated, to wondering why I bother, to wanting it real bad again! I made up different reasons for wanting to lose weight, superficial ones like wanting to look better and better ones like wanting to feel and be healthy. I've obsessed over my weight... OH! the obsession!! I've denied my problem, I've cried about it... I've been through all of it!
Now that I am fighting depression though, losing weight takes on a whole new meaning. This journey is not so much about losing weight as it is about proving to myself that I can do this, and I can do it well. I can take care of myself. I can run, I can do races. I can do this. For the first time in 20 years I am forced to do just that, take care of myself. Unfortunately, at this point in my life, my kids, my husband, my work have to come second on my list of priorities. Now, at 40 years old, it's time to take care of myself, lose weight, be more active, learn to love myself, find emotional stability and live each day as if it were my last. Only by doing this can I then take care of my family the way they deserve to be taken care of.
So I may still have 86 lbs to go to reach a healthy weight, but it doesn't matter, because that's just a number. What matters today is that I take good care of my body and my mind on a daily basis. Exercise, eat well, listen to my body, keep a journal, accept my flaws, these are things that make me feel good, and these are the things I am working on. The rest will come as a prize...
On a day like today where I am feeling a bit low, I don't feel like doing anything. My feet hurt and I am tired. But I am not doubting my journey. I don't want to binge, I am not frustrated about the 86 lbs left to lose. I, and only I did the damage for the past 20 years. There's no need to blame myself anymore. If I want my life back, only I can do the work. So I will rest today, and tomorrow will be a better day.
When I say that this journey is a lot more than just a weight loss journey, this is what I mean. It's as much a spiritual journey as it is a journey to physical health. And I will make it happen. I don't care how long it takes, I will find balance in my life.
Monday, November 21, 2011
That was my outdoor exercise for today, a nice walk in the woods near where I live! What a peaceful way to exercise and be mindful! The colorful leaves this time of the year smell so good, the cracking noise as we walk on the fallen leaves, the sound of nature, it's a beautiful place to be on a nice sunny afternoon! Then as the sun went down I started walking back home and got to view the most beautiful sky, again, so peaceful!
In my quest for physical and mental health, I look for moments like this one, moments of peace, moments where the simplest of things bring me the most happiness and well-being!
Life doesn't have to be complicated! Happiness is all around us, all we have to do is look and feel the wonderful things around us. Simple minfulness, simple happiness!
Sunday, November 20, 2011
There's something really awesome about exercising outside when it rains. I used to think it wasn't feasible until I joined a group a few years ago that exercises outside only, rain or shine, even when it snows! That's when I realized I wasn't made of chocolate and wouldn't melt or go to waste if I exercised in the rain! Ever since then, I've actually liked going outside when it rains, and certainly don't use that as an excuse not to go out anymore!
All this to say, this morning was my appointment with myself to go running, and it was raining and pretty windy. I really had my mind set on this workout, so I dressed up well, put a cap on and a good jacket, and out I went. The first half of my run was harder because I had the wind and rain in my face, but I just ignored it and kept going, slow and steady. Coming back it actually stopped raining and the wind slowed a bit, which made the whole thing even more enjoyable!
The result was 5.2 km in 45 minutes. Not bad!
On my last blog I was writing about the reasons why I thought I could now call myself a runner, and that's one of the reasons. Rain doesn't scare me! And I may not run very fast, but at least I run! I run for me, I run because I love it! It clears my mind, it makes me push myself! I'm hooked!
Next running appointment: Tuesday. I can't wait!!
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