Monday, July 01, 2013
Conundrum: A confusing and difficult problem or question.
I have one.
You see, I have these races I've signed up for - a couple of which I out and out cannot compete in either because of pace limits (Like the Scranton Marathon), or a literal inability to participate (Like the Triathlon which is at the end of July.)
However, I have a couple of grey-area races now, too.
First, I have the Firecracker 5K coming up this Thursday. In theory, I can walk it. It's the same thing with the Air Force Half - I can run-walk it.
I just.. I just feel so -humiliated= at the idea of walking.
Really, that's the only word I can think of to describe how I'm feeling. Please note - I have NO problem with people who walk races. None. Just, when I think of myself doing it.. it's like.. going back to fifth grade.. or taking a demotion at work. Or.. I dunno, it just feels 'lower' for me. Like I'm letting myself down. I know it's a ridiculous feeling; but, it's how I feel.
So, my conundrum is whether to walk the reaces I'm permitted to walk.
I'm still thinking about it.
The only positives of this experience is that I don't have to split my time between race training and sewing. I can sew ALL THE THINGS. Well, most of the things. I bailed on my Black Lantern Wonderwoman costume and Thor for this year. I really want to concentrate on doing Agent Hill justice.
So, that's about it from here. I'm down to 184.4 from the HORRIBLE 188. So, I'm feeling quite a bit better about my situation. Plans for a brief walk over lunch today as it's raining.
Happy Monday, Folks!
Friday, June 28, 2013
Today's Happy-Place Photo:
Good Morning, Sparklers.
This morning I awoke to a scale that said 187.8.
I did not curl up into a ball, no matter how much I really, REALLY wanted to.
Yesterday I did pretty badly on the food front. I started off really well while I was at work and then I went to a games night hosted by my brother and proceeded to eat way too many Kit-Kats and Peppermint Paddies.
So I get home last night and put my drops in my eye. I lay down. Two hours later the worst thing about the drops happens - I can TASTE THEM. I want you to imagine tasting something that is the most bitterly sour chemical taste ever. And it invades your nose and mouth. And it won't go away and spitting it out makes it worse. The remedy, I have found, is eating something thick and sweet - it takes the taste out. Water makes it worse. It does not go away on it's own. So, I went back to sleep after eating three stupid devil's food cookies.
I've never been a nighttime snacker.. I hope to never be again.
I'm trying to focus on what this experience is teaching me. I'm learning that while I had a really great activity level, I apparently did not learn how to effectively manage what I eat. Well, I better learn it now.
The plans for this weekend include lots of housework (there are tumbleweeds of dog hair all over my house...) and getting the craft room organized. After all, it's almost time for the happiest time of the year! That's right, we are at the 60 day count until DragonCon! So excited. My confirmed costume I'm making for this year is the Agent Hill Formal Wear Dress from the Femme*Avengers doodles.
I had also wanted to put together a Black Lantern Wonder Woman costume and a Femme*Thor; but, I don't think I'll have enough time at this point. Next year I'm definitely doing those. This year I think I'll just be bringing Agent Hill, Gambit, my BSG double tanks, Lady Deadpool, and Legends of the Hidden Temple. For those keeping score, Agent Hill is the only new one.
60 days and counting! WOO!
Thursday, June 27, 2013
This morning absolutely sucked.
I got on the scale. 186.8. That is 5.8lbs up in a week and a half. Some of it has to be due to the antibiotics and steroids as well as water retention at this time of the month. Still, I'm certain more than a little of it has to do with eating poorly, emotionally, and conveniently.
Today I'm going to go and make friends with the exercise bike in the basement gym at work. It's going to be long, boring and stupid. To try and combat the boring and stupid I'm going to download the Run, Zombies! App. I liked it and it was a good distraction when I started running. I just need to get some music onto my phone.
Alright, enough of the negativity. Time to knuckle down and take control.
Hellllo Exercise bike.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
I mean this blog title in every single sense of the word.
I'm back at work today. Back to the grind. Back to everything...
I'm back to tracking food and exercise minutes, too. So what if my only exercise is in the form of walking. Well, I'm going to walk the crap out of the world until August. I WILL TAKE ALL THE STEPS.
Some of you mentioned that it was a little weird that I didn't seem all that concerned about my eye in the last post and a bit overly concerned with any weight gain. You see, the only thing I feel like I have control over right now is my weight. I can't impact whether my retina heals quickly, or if race directors give me back my money for the races I can no longer do (It adds up to around $250), I can't control if my eye heals correctly, and I certainly can't control the overall outcome. The only thing I can control is what I eat. I can't even control my exercise or my lost fitness.
In short, I feel very, very out of control.
My eye's health is going to be what it's going to be. My recovery is going to take as long as it's going to take. The estimate previously was that I'd be down only until the beginning of July. Now it's looking like it'll be until the end of August. It's all about how well my eye produces the fluid it needs to disparate the air bubble put in to put my retina back in place. Until that happens I cannot run, jump, swim or otherwise play. I can walk and do and exercise bike; but, it's just not what I -want.-
So, in short, that's why I was just so focused on not gaining weight because of this - because I've already lost so much. For example, I'm no longer the lead on the Australia project and I could no longer travel there even if it was requested (due to the bubble.) I've lost out on the opportunity for my first Triathlon and Marathon. I feel like I have no independence because I can't drive (no depth perception.) I can't even lift anything over 20lbs.
So, yes, I'm fixated on weight and food. I know it's not healthy, but it's all I can control.
Alright, back to work. Where I can read for an hour before I have to give my eye a break.
I demand you guys tell me what you're doing to be active so I can live vicariously through you!
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Well, I had wanted to write a victory blog for my one year blog. However. things haven't been so good here in my world.
Last Thursday I had to go to the hospital - I had to go in about three weeks ago for PVD, partial vitreous detachment. What it is is when the gel in your eye on top of your retina detaches. Not a big deal and nothing you can really do about t. the problem is, that it can be a precursor to retinal detachment.
And, last thursday my retina did detach.
Surgery was on Saturday.
Well, here I am. In bed for the fifth consecutive day. The first four days I spent in bed only allowed to look down. No I can lay with my head at an angle; but I'm still not allowed to do anything more difficult than a "strenuous poop."
Yes, that is my work threshold.
Humorous, but ridiculous.
So, I had to cancel my hike this saturday - I got half my deposit back. Now I'm just hoping to be able to get back to training a couple of weeks before the Triathlon. Then it's full speed ahead for Steamtown training.
I'm just praying that I'm able to start running again soon.
So far I haven't gained a crazy amount of weight. I just have to pay attention to what I'm eating. Really, what I eat is about all I can control.
So, fingers crossed, sparklers!
(Please forgive any typos - I typed most of this with my eyes closed. Yeah, I'm not supposed to be reading, either...)
Now, get out there and do something active for me!
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