Saturday, March 23, 2013
Well, it had to happen sooner or later.
I had to have a bad run.
I had to have the kind of run where my body and my mind just betrayed me.
This morning was an eight mile training run on a local trail. The trail itself should have been forgiving, except, well crushed limestone may as well be cement when it freezes. Except, well, bike tire ruts don't do anything good for the knees.
Of course, complaining about the trail doesn't make my run seem so bad.
Truth is my hip went out of whack around mile 2. Then my brain started to fight with me. Then I had a man literally laugh at me.
I cried people.
I cried in the middle of the trail. I can tell you this - it is not easy to run and breathe and cry all at the same time. I didn't even run that much. I was dusted by the Galloway people. I felt humiliated and humbled and broken... and all I could do was run-walk. My hip was screaming and my confidence was broken.
It was so humiliating. For miles three and four all I did was cry.
I get to the water station - and I'm seriously broken. I'm thinking about asking to catch a ride back with the guy who was manning it. I'm thinking about just walking all the way back. Fortunately, the guy manning the station was warm hearted and said one of those cliches like "It's the bad runs that build character."
Well, I couldn't not finish then.
So, I had to build some strategies. I couldn't let that jerk win. I couldn't let my brain win. I couldn't just quit. I had four miles to figure it out.
So, I tried all kinds of things.
First I got angry - telling myself to punch the run in the face. I think that kept me running for about a quarter mile.
Then I started bargaining - thinking that if I ran until the next mile marker I could walk for a bit.
Then I got angry again - why was I walking, I can run ten miles!
Then I started having a little God-Talk moment - trying to figure out why I was just having such a crappy run - wanting just a little more strength than I had for myself. That got me about a half mile.
I spend another half a mile literaly trying to think of everything I like about myself. Then I start thinking about actual facts I know. I know my hip's sore. I know I have a blister between my toes. I know I've run ten miles.
I try to focus on anything other than how I was feeling.
Because I felt lousy.
And then I finished.
I am trying to think of the positives.
First, I finished.
Second, I had my first ever truly bad run.
Third, I finished my first ever bad run.
You know what this means, right?
My next run can't be nearly as bad.
That means I've won.
Friday, March 22, 2013
Good Morning, Sparklers!
I've spent the last two days off from work and I'm spending this morning waiting to hear if I have an early dismissal today. Things are light and quiet in these parts; so, that means I get to take time off without regret or worry. I love it!
So, I had all these amazing plans. I wanted to finish my kitchen. I wanted to get the sewing room back in order. I really wanted to get in a run. Ugh. Run. I haven't run in almost two weeks. I decided to give my hip a chance to recover properly and I haven't gone out. However, for my birthday, I purchased two new pairs of running shoes. SO EXCITED!
Well, back on track. What I did manage to accomplish in two days was a trip out for my new shoes. Some hot Yoga. Rearranging my bedroom furniture and longing stares as I wait for plaster to cure in my kitchen.
Today I feel sore pretty much all through my middle - but a kick-butt round of Yoga will do that for you. I was also rewarded with seeing the scale actually hit 183 - which was a magical exciting moment. Today I'm back at 184; but, it was awesome while it lasted!
That's about it from here. Had an offer from a running friend to go and try boxing - something I'd LOVE to try. So, that makes me really excited!
Friday, March 15, 2013
Well, as of this coming Tuesday I'll be bidding a fond farewell to the year that was spent as 30. I had a hard time turning 30 - not like a depressed, sad kind of hard - but the uncomfortable, recognition of one's place in life, assessing kind of difficult.
I spent 30 working on myself. Something I really think I should have done sooner; but, can see why I didn't.
It took comfort in where I was to be able to focus on fixing my perspective. It also took a change in lifestyle where I wasn't spending months of the year living in a hotel in a foreign country.
I'm really looking forward to 31. 31 is going to be the year of my first Half Marathon. It's going to be the year where I adore my body for all the work I've put into it. It's the year of balance and joy. I think 31 is going to be the best year of my life.
So, the running is in limbo right now mostly because my hip is still all whack. No idea what I did to it; but, I'm going to keep on stretching and icing and hope for the best. It doesn't feel like an injury - it just feels sore. I'm sure the bootcamp with lunges that I did at Club on Tuesday didn't much help matters.
Saturday is an 8 mile run with the SCRRC. It's going to be fun and I'm going to put myself in with the 12-minute group and just take it easy. As much as I love chasing the 11-minuters, I think it's best just to go easy on the hip until it feels healed up. Right now, the next big race is an 8 miler at the end of this month, a 3 miler at the start of April and then it's time for the Half Marathon bonanza! After that? Well, in June I signed up for a 17 mile hike and in September is the Air Force Half Marathon.
Sunday I'm meeting up with an old work friend for Brunch and then going to see Oz the Great and Powerful with my bro. Plans also include to get some painting done in the Kitchen and finally get those undercabinet lights installed where I want them!
I'm so inspired lately by reading about other people who have worked so hard at being able to complete a race - I can't wait until I can say I completed my goal race, too.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Well, Guys, I'll admit it's been fun.
It's been nice not to have to stress about counting everything.
It's been really, really nice not to think about my deficits.
Today, however, I've got my head back on straight and my focus has returned.
I'm hoping for my Birthday to be down 1 -2 Pounds.
I can totally do this. That, friends, would be the best Birthday present to me, ever.
The Birthday is Next Tuesday. I know what it takes to lose that kind of weight in a week. I know the kind of mindful eating and purposeful activity it requires. So, I can do it. Just like a year ago when I decided I'd start doing something; well, I'm back to doing something again.
160 or bust, I say.
In other news I'm a closet fan of the Biggest Loser. If you watch and don't know who's in for the Finale skip down a couple of paragraphs. I have to say, I'm SO PROUD of Dani. Culturally, Americans are taught to favor the Underdog. While we love when -our- team is on top, we're also the sorts to root for the underdog to win as our secondary way of cheering. Well, that girl has been the underdog the entire competition. I mean this, in the sense, that she's had to do all of the work herself the entire time - and time, and time again she's put up great effort. I know it's unlikely she'll be the Biggest Loser, though. You see (for those that don't watch the show), with things being calculated based on percent lost she's at a significant disadvantage when pitted against these men. They all started off with a much greater amount of weight to lose. Dani started around 250, and from the looks of it I'm guessing her ideal weight is probably between 140 - 160. That means she can only HEALTHILY lose around 120-130 pounds. These guys, on the other hand can probably lose around 150-180 pounds to reach their healthy weights. At some point, Dani's own natural, healthy weight will keep her from being able to reach the % of weight loss to win.
This makes me sad though no less proud of what this girl has accomplished.
Tonight is the first meeting back with the study in a month. They're going to tell me I haven't lost any weight since December. I know.
Here's hoping I'll wow them in April.
Though, I have to say, I can tell even without the scale moving that my body is changing significantly. I am almost completely out of back fat and the dents in the sides of my legs are almost gone. I've also always had 'violin deformity' in my hips. It's where at the hip joint the body naturally curves in and stores fat above and below that divot - it's definitely less pronounced than when I was 200+.
The things I allowed myself to do while I was on tracking hiatus that are no longer happening:
1. Fast Food for dinner (I will confess, I did this three times last week.)
2. Mental justification of McDonald's Breakfast Burrito after my Saturday Long Run
3. Snickers Bars
4. Unintentional Eating
The Fast Food is probably going to be the biggest change. I didn't go to the store this weekend while I was working on the house, so I'm going to be living off of canned soup and tuna; but, I'm not so sad about that.
I don't know if I should be proud or what that I managed to maintain my weight with the way I've been eating for the last couple of weeks; but, now I say no more. I deserve better. I know I'll perform better on my runs when I fuel my body appropriately.
Alright, enough preaching and mea culpa!
Back to work!
Monday, March 11, 2013
A year ago today I had what I'll call 'a moment.'
I realized that in about a week I was going to turn 30. I realized that what I wanted in life was very, very far from my grasp.
At 29 I'd traveled to lots of places, been very successful at my chosen profession, and I'd even settled into a job I loved. I was on the cusp of purchasing my first home and felt independent.
But, I felt like I was missing something.
First off, I knew I was unhealthy. I didn't like that I was just starting to 'grow out of' chain stores as I squeezed myself into a size 18. I had more than a few embarrassing moments on a plane as my hips were too wide for the seat and bumped the flight attendant call button on the remote that had been placed inside the side of the armrest. I flew places uncomfortably and constantly afraid I wouldn't fit into seats. I really hated that when I needed to purchase clothes abroad they simply didn't carry clothing in my size. Ever. (Believe me, when you're living abroad for weeks or months at a time there are always times when you'll need to purchase an article of clothing.)
Secondly, I felt alone. I've been single since I moved back to Pittsburgh. I had a boyfriend in college and a few casual things here and there since; but, I didn't have a social circle and had no idea how to get one. But, I couldn't help but thinking of how scared I was to put myself out there. I knew I didn't look good and I certainly didn't feel good.
So, I got this magical postcard in the mail, "The University of Pittsburgh is conducting a weight loss study. Give us a call." I could have thrown that postcard away. I could have ignored it. Instead, I called. I wouldn't hear anything more about them for months. I was placed into the group that would start in June. Still, something had been put into motion.
I weighed myself for the first time in years. 230 pounds. I'll never forget the feeling of disgust that pushed through me. How did I let myself get that far? How did I not know? I knew, of course, I just didn't -know.- More than that there was this terrible feeling of 'well, at least it's not 250, it's not -that- bad.' I was already rationalizing!
I decided right then that I was going to start walking over my lunches. I'd spend half an hour just out walking. I'd move. I could do that. I didn't walk fast or frankly very far - but I kept at it. Come June when the study started (274 days ago :-P ) I was 'ready' to start the Couch to 5K program. By then I was down to 223 pounds.
Couch to 5K changed my life. There's no getting around it. It gave me confidence, a plan, and structure. It gave me so much more than I could have given myself.
Now I'm a year in - and I've gone from the girl who just walked over lunch to a girl who's run a ten mile race and intends to complete a half marathon in May. I've gone from 230 down to 185 - that's almost 50 pounds. I'm no longer a size 20 but a size 14. I'm comfortable and confident. I'm able to run without music and I'm able to run alone. I'm stronger. I actually put myself out there and joined a running group - and the group is filled with such fantastic, kind people. I'm really glad I grew some cajones and put myself out there.
I still have so far to go, though. There are still another 3.2 miles to add to my longest distance before the Half. I want to learn how to have a stronger mind and more confidence in my ability. When it comes to weight I'm still dreaming of 160. That's 25 pounds away. I'd still like to be a size 12.
To talk a little about the present seemed to require some hyphens!
I spent this past weekend like a busy bee. I went for my training run on Saturday. Six miles with the club and I walked a little of it. I'm going to go and purchase new shoes as I'm starting to get really sore in my hips. Also, I think my stride might be a little off. It goes like this: 2 miles in, side stitch; 2.5 miles in, shoulder cramp; 3.5 miles in, hip pain; 4 miles in, hit my stride; finish race and walk, HIPS MAKE ME WANT TO DIE. Could be my stride. Could be my shoes. I e-mailed my coach and hopefully she'll get back to me soon.
I just don't want soreness to turn into injury!
I also worked on painting my kitchen and installing some new under cabinet lighting. Painting is like Yoga- you hold ridiculous poses for a long time. It's okay, I liked the workout.
In terms of food and tracking and the BodyMedia, I'm still on hiatus. I'm still just not 'feeling' it. As long as I'm maintaining my 185 I'm okay. Seriously. I think in the next week or so I'll turn the magic back on; but, it's nice to know that I CAN hold steady and eat responsibly and be active and all that...
Alright, I've already written MORE than enough for today. I hope you're all doing well!
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