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Day 265: Procrastination

Monday, March 04, 2013

Hey everyone! Here's a quick, overdue, and simple blog.

I've missed you guys.

First reason I've put this blog off: I wanted to do a vlog and show off my new haircut.

It's short and fun. Just look up "Katherine Hegel short hair" and you'll see what it looks like. Now look at me and mentally slap that haircut on me. Yeah, that's right. I look just like Katherine Hegel now :-P

Reason number 2: I got angry.

Angry isn't even the word. I haven't worn my body media for a week (because when it says you've burned 3000 calories and you've consumed 1400 calories and the scale doesn't move it tends to incite rage.) I actually ignored Spark for the same reason.

I'm still ignoring them.

I'm still angry. And, to a certain extent, feeling defeated.

Reason number 3: I'm exhausted.

Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. You name it, I feel like I'm running on empty. Not only did I take a week of from the constant tracking I also took a week off from the constant running. I didn't run one mile last week. I thought about it, I felt bad when I didn't; but, I ignored my training. Then I put in 55 hours in the office. Then I got in that terrible fight with my online 'friend.' Then I... yeah, then I imploded.

Reason number 4: I lost two pounds doing all the wrong things.

No running. Eating what I wanted. Feeling crappy. Voilla - two pounds gone. I don't get it. It makes no sense. I'm sure they'll come back.

So, for today I'm more than just a little bit sore. I did run my planned 5K yesterday and finished in the neighborhood of 36 minutes. I also walked for part of it. That run broke my spirit. My brother, having his spirit broken as well, sat down and waited for me to pass him. In effect, he let me win. It was nice of him. As we both said on the car-ride to get victory pancakes (though, it's debatable whether yesterday was a victory or not) 'Ah, yes, not a single Frack was given this day!'

Yesterday I had an appointment with a massage therapist. She totally worked on my lower back and hips. Oh, and my feet. Today I'm sore from it - I'm hoping it's a good sore. After the 10 mile race last weekend where I ran on a sloped road for two hours I could feel my pelvis being out of line - so I decided to go and get myself beat back into shape. (Caution, this may be TMI) - I never knew how much I needed somebody to put there elbow into the muscle of my left buttcheek before; but, I do now.

It's a new week. Depending on how I feel tomorrow morning I may put my BodyMedia back on and start paying attention again. I just wanted to let you guys know I'm still here. I wanted to let you know I'm okay and that I miss sparking along with you all.

I was thinking on the walk in this morning - is this still about the weight, or is it about the race? Because I'm starting to wonder which is more important to me weighing 165 pounds or finishing the half marathon in may.

I think it's the race.

You wouldn't think that the two are mutually exclusive; but, I think that they are.

Have a great day, Sparklers, I hope your spirits are higher than mine!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

POMATOJUICE 3/4/2013 5:52PM

    Dude, have you read my blog? I've been eating like sh*t and anywhere between 1600-1800 daily. And I'm losing XD LOLOLOLOL WTTFFFFF

So maybe.. just maybe! You might need a little break. I'm not saying give up or go crazy, but maybe you aren't quite eating enough. I know the lack of data is really frustrating.. ESPECIALLY when you are trying to get your numbers right and hit that sweet spot for optimal burn. And yeah, it sucks and it's hard to know just how much you are burning on these runs when everything guesstimates a different number for you.


It could be possible you need a little more! Do you calorie cycle at all? When I got frustrated, it worked wonders for me. Just pick some random day of the week where you eat like I don't know.. an extra meal's worth of calories! that day, and go back to your reg. calorie ammounts after that.

I've somehow gotten it into my mind that the past few months have been a giant RESET for me, and that I will magically lose weight like crazy next month. I think there's a good chance I am delusional :p We will find out when my brother leaves!!

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A_WISE_WOMAN 3/4/2013 5:02PM

  I've been reading that long-distance running may make it more difficult to lose weight due to the release of cortisol (running so much as stress on the body). You may want to check that out. In the meantime, good luck!

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TOFUCUTIEPIE 3/4/2013 1:52PM

    Last week is done and this is a brand new one! I am right there with you in dealing with trying to lose weight AND training for the race. I have been super overwhelmed lately and when one of the above things went wrong (and it did along with lots of other things) that makes for some anger, frustration, and tears. I was complaining to my husband about this stuff like 2 or so weeks ago and he told me to just focus on one thing right now and do that well instead of spreading myself over too many other things and only doing those mediocre. He's right. The half marathon is coming up in what, 61 days (sometimes I hate that countdown on the website!), let's focus on that. We have the rest of the year to focus on losing weight.

I had it in my mind that I would lose 10-15 pounds before race day to improve my running but mostly because I am sick of sitting at the same weight for far too long (almost 2 years!) and never hitting my bit goal weight. I am struggling with trying to train the right way and focus on eating the right foods to sustain my running but also lose weight. I am sucking at both right now so I am picking one for right now, the race. I start PT for my right hamstring on Thursday and have been off of running for too long. I think I have hamstring tendinitis or tendinosis. Either way, it sucks and Dr. Google says I should be resting it for 4-6 weeks. I don't have that much time because I keep needing to take more time off to heal. UGH!

You can totally do this! Think of how awesome things will be when you cross the finish line on May 5 and are handed a medal for your accomplishment. Think of all the cheering crowds along the race route, all of the fanfare and excitement, all the other runners just like us there for our first half marathon, and filled with such adrenaline and determination. You just did a 10 mile run and you will sail through an additional 3.1.


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GRACEOMALLEY 3/4/2013 1:22PM

    Try to view it that these are different aspects of the wonderful combination that comprises you. Things don't have related. You are multifaceted and so are your needs, your wants, your motivators, your life. Sometimes the wheels don't run on the right track, but you can get them back where they belong.. Be patient and keep the faith!

emoticon emoticon

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REFFIE1 3/4/2013 10:43AM

    This is a hard time of year. I seem to be struggling with my motivation as well. Hopefully, with Spring around the corner we will get a burst of motivation and energy. emoticon

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Day 253 - A Rant Unrelated to Weight or Healthy living

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Good Morning Sparklers.

For the first time in a very long time I lost sleep last night over an argument.

It gets more ridiculous. I lost sleep over an argument with someone I have never personally met.

Like a lot of people on this site I'm pretty "Online Social." I meet people through networks and we have those cursory sort of friendships where we comment on blogs and know quite a bit about one another's lives. Sometimes those friendships are more than cursory and feel more genuine than others I have in my life.

Last night I got into an argument with a friend I'd made from a group I met at DragonCon. This guy, I thought, was pretty cool. He was always cheering on my running posts and I liked a lot of what he put up. Really, I was looking forward to catching up at DragonCon.

Well, last night I have to say I experienced the most cruel, angry exchange of my adult life.

Here's a snippet:

"You are petty and sad. Adele celebrated the greatest night of her career by bringing down the house with her here talent and poise.
You were petty and small by attacking her f(-)cking choice of nail polish.
Rather than celebrate her talent and accomplishment, you chose to attack her.
The only thing you could complain about was her FINGER NAIL POLISH.
You are pathetic and small."

That's right - I made a comment about Adele's nailpolish and this guy lays into me with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns.

Why's it bother me so much?

Because it makes me worry that something must be going on in his life. That there must be something so very, very wrong with him for him to lash out over my comment of "The only thing Adele did wrong last night was that nail polish!" like that... well, it makes me worry.

I keep telling myself that this is someone I hardly even know - yet, it hurts.

I actually allowed someone to let me feel pathetic and small over a joke. I actually worry for this person.


I'm a tangled web of emo-ness.


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

REFFIE1 2/27/2013 1:18PM

    That is the trouble with electronic communication. People flame and rant and say things that they would never say to your face. No one can see each other's facial expressions and catch whether they are joking are not.

I guess you can choose to tell him how you feel or just drop him because he is too hurtful. From the way you are writing some closure has to happen of some sort. He may have been supportive in the past but you have no idea who this person is unless you have met him in person. Who knows what baggage and burdens he is carrying. I can tell you one thing, he is overidentifying with Adele. I don't really think she needs protection from comments about her nails. She can console herself by enjoying her Oscar LOL!

Don't let someone's unthoughtful and overboard comments rent any more space in your mind. The meaness has already taken up too much of your time and there are plenty of supportive and nice friends to take his place. emoticon

Comment edited on: 2/27/2013 1:18:59 PM

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A_WISE_WOMAN 2/27/2013 12:05PM

  In reading the part of his end of the conversation, frankly, I don't see much more than someone having some button pushed. Maybe he was feeling overwhelmed at that time. Maybe he was needing to hear something that would make him laugh. Maybe he thought that you were the sort of person who wouldn't say such a thing (I'm not judging your comment here; just trying to give a different perspective). Maybe he had just spent the day listening to people complain about each other and this just sounded like more of the same to him.

There are so many ways that misunderstandings can occur. It seems that you're feeling surprised and betrayed; you thought he was a better friend than that. Or maybe a person who doesn't say things like that. Or maybe that he knew you better. Do you feel like, since he had been cheering you on, a source of support may be withdrawn? I know that I have people that I've come to count on as cheerleaders. With those people, turning around and calling me names would be multiple times worse, because I feel vulnerable, allowing myself to need them (actually their approval) on a deep emotional level. With anyone else, well, if they want to be that way...

And just a question: Are you genuinely worried about him, or is the worry about someone else easier to deal with than the hurt you are feeling? I would suggest that you untangle your own feelings before you have the clarity to decide what to do about another person...

This isn't easy. Learn the lessons, and come out of it stronger and happier than before!


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CAGMUAHFO2 2/27/2013 11:11AM

    I hope things get better and maybe he will tell you what's on his mind. emoticon

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SIMONEKP 2/27/2013 10:27AM

    Sometimes not really knowing someone can bring on a more than necessary intense response. He may not have known that it was a joke.

case in point, just last week I was very annoyed with my local newsperson because he did a story on Rhianna debuting a new fashion line and followed up with the comments that "at least she's in the new for something not negative for change" and "did you know she's afraid of fish? That's dumb to be afraid of fish if you grew up on an island". I found the ad lib comments to be very unprofessional and unwarranted. There are so many positive things he could have said. Now, I didn't send him a nastygram but I did call him stupid and petty from the comfort of my family room.

I wouldn't worry about it too much.

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POMATOJUICE 2/27/2013 10:06AM

    I get into internet fights sometimes too :X They always make me feel bad. When I was younger, (highschool), there was a certain rush of adrenaline with internet fights. Now I just feel dread in the pit of my stomach if there's going to be conflict. Yup. I've wussed out over the years.

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ADARKARA 2/27/2013 9:41AM

    It definitely sounds like either a) he has something negative going on in his life and he's lashing out at who he can reach, or b) he's ridiculously obsessed/in love with Adele and will defend her to the death, like that 'Leave Britney Alone' guy. My guess is the former.

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L1ZB3TH354 2/27/2013 9:41AM

    You care, that's why you worry about a person you hardly know. He is probably thinking he over reacted. Feel better, hugs!

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PENNYPACKER3 2/27/2013 9:23AM


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Day 252 - Victories and Struggles

Monday, February 25, 2013

Happy lunch to you guys, Sparklers!

As you guys may have seen from my previous blog - last night I had an epiphany and I had to declare it to the entire world. I'm a runner. Not a 'great' runner, or a 'talented' runner - but just a plain old runner. I run for fun and fitness. I like it.

Today as I walked in all I wanted to do was tell the world, "Guess what? I run!" Because, well, up until now I've felt like I had no right to say such a thing. I don't know what switch flipped inside my head - if it was the distance or the time; but, I feel like I'm 'real' now.

Saturday I did something completely unplanned - I ran the 10 mile Spring Thaw race. I hadn't planned to run it - and when the RRC's asked me about it in January I said "No, I don't think I'll be ready by then." Still, as time wore on and I've increased my distance I found myself flirting with the idea of running it. Then I saw the weather report. Then I got some fantastic feedback from other members of the club.

Then I ran it.

I didn't run quickly (probably a 12 minute mile pace); but, I ran it. I did the entire distance. I just zoned out and I did the best I could. I finished. I'm a runner. It's magic.

Though, I have to admit, I'm stuggling a touch. As proud as I am of being a runner - of the sheer accomplishment of running ten miles; I'm having a difficult time with body image. Lately people have been saying how good I look and daring to use the word 'skinny'; but, at 185 I feel so far away from skinny. I feel like I may as well still be 230lbs. and a size 20. Gosh, honestly, it's enough to make me paranoid.

I'll admit it, just like everybody else I want to be skinny. I want to be thin and graceful and all those feminine archetypes. I can't help it.

It makes me wonder, what if I can't get any lighter? What if I don't get any smaller? What if this is as good as it gets? Or, what if I -do- manage to get all the way down to 160 or 145 and I still feel this way?


Today is another off day following the unplanned 10-miler while I wait for my legs to rest up. I'm back on the run again tomorrow for about 3 miles or so. It's a light run week - which is a good thing :)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SIMONEKP 2/27/2013 10:31AM

    Whenever my weight stalls for a few days I get that irrational fear that I can't go any lower which totally makes no sense because I wasn't always this weight. Games our mind plays with us tsk tsk.

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A_WISE_WOMAN 2/26/2013 5:05PM

  Just looking at all the teams you belong to--you are so much more than a skinny (or not!) body! I think Pomato is right; instead of being down on your body, why not pamper it and show it how much you love it for being able to do all that it's doing? Seems that right now your thoughts towards your body are rather unloving. Act as if you love it, and it won't take too long before you do!

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EL-E-E 2/26/2013 8:11AM

    Love this blog!! I hope to post similar news one day, that I just got up and ran a race!

Good advice from your other commenters. And the people around you wouldn't say things if they didn't notice a change, so believe them!!

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POMATOJUICE 2/25/2013 10:21PM

    Sounds like you need to go shopping. Seriously! I have my body issue days too sometimes, but taking a day to dress up nicely is sometimes all I need to feel better about myself. Chances are, you don't currently have many things in your closet that fit properly. Especially if one recalls your track record with underwear. :X. You need one feel-good outfit. Something you can put on and go out in and have all the old men hit on you! Nothing perks a day up and makes you feel sexy quite like lots of old men hitting on you. ( well, it works for me, at any rate)

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1EMMA2011 2/25/2013 5:06PM

    So happy for you! Knowing who you are makes all the difference!


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GRACEOMALLEY 2/25/2013 2:08PM

    Enjoy everything you do that is positive and productive and makes you happy! emoticon

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RX_2_RV 2/25/2013 1:07PM

    Body image is a strange animal. Sometimes it takes awhile for our mind to catch up with the reality of the situation. It goes both ways...some overweight people perceive themselves as thinner than they actually are and some people who have lost weight perceive themselves as heavier than they actually are. Google "body image weight loss" and you will find some links that show that you are not alone.

My best advice would be to take some time to soak in the positive things friends and family have been a mini visualization exercise...let yourself FEEL and acknowledge the POSITIVE things they say as true. Or, if you are more analytical, make a list of the non-scale victories you have noticed and the positive statements others have made.

Wishing you continued success in your journey to health!


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CCBULLDOG 2/25/2013 12:49PM

    Fantastic job Miss Runner...10 miles is great!!!! emoticon It's funny how it takes your mind so much longer to catch up to where your body is. Enjoy peoples compliments....take them in and believe in them....eventually your mind will follow...and you will not only be a accomplished runner....but a LEAN mean running machine! emoticon Have a great spark-day!

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COOP9002 2/25/2013 12:28PM

    Enjoy the light run week. Sounds like you've earned a break.

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I am a real runner - the day doesn't matter

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Quick blog before I go to bed.

Simple statement: I am a real runner.

I may be a slow runner.
I may be uncoordinated.
I certainly don't look like one and often don't feel like one.

But I am one.

I'm a woman who can run 10 miles.

I'm a woman who finds joy in even breath and measured strides.

I can run.

I do run.

I'm a runner.

Not a fake runner. Not a jogger. Not someone who just pretends to run anymore.

I run.

That is all.

Onward to the Half Marathon.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SIMONEKP 2/27/2013 10:34AM

    I so want to be a runner! I'm starting next month.

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SKEETOR 2/25/2013 4:33PM


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POMATOJUICE 2/25/2013 11:53AM

    Look at how tiny your are now!! :O Those arms and legs! Mighty Hulk snap them like so many twigs! I know you've been a little frustrated lately, but just look at that pic! You look fabulous! (And kinda sweaty)

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REFFIE1 2/25/2013 10:35AM

    As Shakespeare said, "a rose is a rose", so a runner you are! emoticon

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REVIVED 2/25/2013 8:47AM

    Well you sound like a runner. I believe you!

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ADARKARA 2/25/2013 8:30AM

    You look ready to conquer! emoticon

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GINA180847 2/25/2013 8:14AM

    That's the spirit! emoticon

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GETSTRONGRRR 2/24/2013 11:00PM

    Congrats runner girl!

"The race is not always to the swift but to those who keep on running"

Keep at it and stay strong!

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Day 245: Somethings even -I- won't blog about

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

I've blogged about a lot of things on here. Depression. Insecurity. Muscle Pain. Humility. (Well, and lots of positive things, too - like victory, pride, accomplishment.)

There is one thing I won't blog about in any level of detail: the Gastro-Intestinal issues I've had for the last two-three days. Use your imagination. It's worse.

Suffice it to say I'm still dealing with it and I am an unhappy camper. Hoping to have everything taken care of this evening so I can get back to not feeling disgusting.

In other news, the scale is up around 186 right now; but, I'm pretty sure that has a lot to do with what's going on with my insides. Yesterday I ran an easy 3 miles and then worked late. I also picked up my new MacBook Air - which I'm totally excited for. Mostly, I'm looking forward to capturing my vlogs on it and being able to edit them. I don't have any utility like that on my PC, so this is going to be a new, spectacular adventure!

Plan for tonight is a few miles of hill repeats. Amazing fact: the hill outside of my house is of suitable grade for hill repeats, yay!

Alright, back to work. I'm already 18 hours into this work week. Yahoo.

Happy Tuesday!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

POMATOJUICE 2/20/2013 10:55AM

    Yeah, if your insides are all unhappy, there's probably a lot of inflammation there. :( I hope things clear up soon. I hate those kinds of problems! I have a good freind that just suddenly became lactose intolerant after she hit 30. It's awful D: I always feel like a dick when I forget the things she can't have and ask if she wants to split an ice cream or have some cheese. I AM QUEEN OF DICKS! lol

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FITMAMA_ 2/20/2013 9:03AM

    Aw... Hope you feel better soon!

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TX.PATRICIA 2/20/2013 8:53AM


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GRACEOMALLEY 2/19/2013 4:57PM

    Digestive tract issues are miserable! Hope you are back to normal really fast!

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REFFIE1 2/19/2013 4:53PM

    Oh, there is nothing worse than stomache troubles. Thanks for not sharing too much information in this case. Hope you are on the mend soon. emoticon

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OLIVIANIGHT 2/19/2013 4:17PM

    This sounds like a ridiculous question even as I think of typing it, but what are hill repeats?
I mean I'm assuming it's running up and down a hill repeatedly. But is there set speed? Number of times? Do you count going up and down or is it just going up that counts? I NEED TO KNOW THESE THINGS!!

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ADARKARA 2/19/2013 3:43PM

    Sorry to hear about your tummy. Hope it resolves itself soon! emoticon

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