Monday, March 04, 2013
Hey everyone! Here's a quick, overdue, and simple blog.
I've missed you guys.
First reason I've put this blog off: I wanted to do a vlog and show off my new haircut.
It's short and fun. Just look up "Katherine Hegel short hair" and you'll see what it looks like. Now look at me and mentally slap that haircut on me. Yeah, that's right. I look just like Katherine Hegel now :-P
Reason number 2: I got angry.
Angry isn't even the word. I haven't worn my body media for a week (because when it says you've burned 3000 calories and you've consumed 1400 calories and the scale doesn't move it tends to incite rage.) I actually ignored Spark for the same reason.
I'm still ignoring them.
I'm still angry. And, to a certain extent, feeling defeated.
Reason number 3: I'm exhausted.
Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. You name it, I feel like I'm running on empty. Not only did I take a week of from the constant tracking I also took a week off from the constant running. I didn't run one mile last week. I thought about it, I felt bad when I didn't; but, I ignored my training. Then I put in 55 hours in the office. Then I got in that terrible fight with my online 'friend.' Then I... yeah, then I imploded.
Reason number 4: I lost two pounds doing all the wrong things.
No running. Eating what I wanted. Feeling crappy. Voilla - two pounds gone. I don't get it. It makes no sense. I'm sure they'll come back.
So, for today I'm more than just a little bit sore. I did run my planned 5K yesterday and finished in the neighborhood of 36 minutes. I also walked for part of it. That run broke my spirit. My brother, having his spirit broken as well, sat down and waited for me to pass him. In effect, he let me win. It was nice of him. As we both said on the car-ride to get victory pancakes (though, it's debatable whether yesterday was a victory or not) 'Ah, yes, not a single Frack was given this day!'
Yesterday I had an appointment with a massage therapist. She totally worked on my lower back and hips. Oh, and my feet. Today I'm sore from it - I'm hoping it's a good sore. After the 10 mile race last weekend where I ran on a sloped road for two hours I could feel my pelvis being out of line - so I decided to go and get myself beat back into shape. (Caution, this may be TMI) - I never knew how much I needed somebody to put there elbow into the muscle of my left buttcheek before; but, I do now.
It's a new week. Depending on how I feel tomorrow morning I may put my BodyMedia back on and start paying attention again. I just wanted to let you guys know I'm still here. I wanted to let you know I'm okay and that I miss sparking along with you all.
I was thinking on the walk in this morning - is this still about the weight, or is it about the race? Because I'm starting to wonder which is more important to me weighing 165 pounds or finishing the half marathon in may.
I think it's the race.
You wouldn't think that the two are mutually exclusive; but, I think that they are.
Have a great day, Sparklers, I hope your spirits are higher than mine!
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Good Morning Sparklers.
For the first time in a very long time I lost sleep last night over an argument.
It gets more ridiculous. I lost sleep over an argument with someone I have never personally met.
Like a lot of people on this site I'm pretty "Online Social." I meet people through networks and we have those cursory sort of friendships where we comment on blogs and know quite a bit about one another's lives. Sometimes those friendships are more than cursory and feel more genuine than others I have in my life.
Last night I got into an argument with a friend I'd made from a group I met at DragonCon. This guy, I thought, was pretty cool. He was always cheering on my running posts and I liked a lot of what he put up. Really, I was looking forward to catching up at DragonCon.
Well, last night I have to say I experienced the most cruel, angry exchange of my adult life.
Here's a snippet:
"You are petty and sad. Adele celebrated the greatest night of her career by bringing down the house with her here talent and poise.
You were petty and small by attacking her f(-)cking choice of nail polish.
Rather than celebrate her talent and accomplishment, you chose to attack her.
The only thing you could complain about was her FINGER NAIL POLISH.
You are pathetic and small."
That's right - I made a comment about Adele's nailpolish and this guy lays into me with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns.
Why's it bother me so much?
Because it makes me worry that something must be going on in his life. That there must be something so very, very wrong with him for him to lash out over my comment of "The only thing Adele did wrong last night was that nail polish!" like that... well, it makes me worry.
I keep telling myself that this is someone I hardly even know - yet, it hurts.
I actually allowed someone to let me feel pathetic and small over a joke. I actually worry for this person.
I'm a tangled web of emo-ness.
Monday, February 25, 2013
Happy lunch to you guys, Sparklers!
As you guys may have seen from my previous blog - last night I had an epiphany and I had to declare it to the entire world. I'm a runner. Not a 'great' runner, or a 'talented' runner - but just a plain old runner. I run for fun and fitness. I like it.
Today as I walked in all I wanted to do was tell the world, "Guess what? I run!" Because, well, up until now I've felt like I had no right to say such a thing. I don't know what switch flipped inside my head - if it was the distance or the time; but, I feel like I'm 'real' now.
Saturday I did something completely unplanned - I ran the 10 mile Spring Thaw race. I hadn't planned to run it - and when the RRC's asked me about it in January I said "No, I don't think I'll be ready by then." Still, as time wore on and I've increased my distance I found myself flirting with the idea of running it. Then I saw the weather report. Then I got some fantastic feedback from other members of the club.
Then I ran it.
I didn't run quickly (probably a 12 minute mile pace); but, I ran it. I did the entire distance. I just zoned out and I did the best I could. I finished. I'm a runner. It's magic.
Though, I have to admit, I'm stuggling a touch. As proud as I am of being a runner - of the sheer accomplishment of running ten miles; I'm having a difficult time with body image. Lately people have been saying how good I look and daring to use the word 'skinny'; but, at 185 I feel so far away from skinny. I feel like I may as well still be 230lbs. and a size 20. Gosh, honestly, it's enough to make me paranoid.
I'll admit it, just like everybody else I want to be skinny. I want to be thin and graceful and all those feminine archetypes. I can't help it.
It makes me wonder, what if I can't get any lighter? What if I don't get any smaller? What if this is as good as it gets? Or, what if I -do- manage to get all the way down to 160 or 145 and I still feel this way?
Today is another off day following the unplanned 10-miler while I wait for my legs to rest up. I'm back on the run again tomorrow for about 3 miles or so. It's a light run week - which is a good thing :)
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Quick blog before I go to bed.
Simple statement: I am a real runner.
I may be a slow runner.
I may be uncoordinated.
I certainly don't look like one and often don't feel like one.
But I am one.
I'm a woman who can run 10 miles.
I'm a woman who finds joy in even breath and measured strides.
I can run.
I do run.
I'm a runner.
Not a fake runner. Not a jogger. Not someone who just pretends to run anymore.
That is all.
Onward to the Half Marathon.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
I've blogged about a lot of things on here. Depression. Insecurity. Muscle Pain. Humility. (Well, and lots of positive things, too - like victory, pride, accomplishment.)
There is one thing I won't blog about in any level of detail: the Gastro-Intestinal issues I've had for the last two-three days. Use your imagination. It's worse.
Suffice it to say I'm still dealing with it and I am an unhappy camper. Hoping to have everything taken care of this evening so I can get back to not feeling disgusting.
In other news, the scale is up around 186 right now; but, I'm pretty sure that has a lot to do with what's going on with my insides. Yesterday I ran an easy 3 miles and then worked late. I also picked up my new MacBook Air - which I'm totally excited for. Mostly, I'm looking forward to capturing my vlogs on it and being able to edit them. I don't have any utility like that on my PC, so this is going to be a new, spectacular adventure!
Plan for tonight is a few miles of hill repeats. Amazing fact: the hill outside of my house is of suitable grade for hill repeats, yay!
Alright, back to work. I'm already 18 hours into this work week. Yahoo.
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