Tuesday, May 08, 2012
So, I've been dutifully ignoring this place, it's message and the goals I set a year ago ever since my 'goal' date passed and I found myself a failure. Again.
This, of course, isn't news to anyone. Everyone on this page has probably failed multiple times just like me. That crushing, sinking feeling of what your brain tells you is a fulfilled prophecy - once again, my choices are wrong and I am doomed to be fat forever.
Well, I'm not going to listen to my brain - I don't listen to anybody else.
So, I'm back on the Spark again. I've been keeping up for about a week. I had a 'bad' day on Sunday filled with family party snacks and fried chicken (I don't need to put it on my tracker to know I probably ate about 3000 empty calories that day); but I'm back on the horse. Again. Sunday wasn't a failure, after all I spent the whole day climing stairs as I showed off my parent's new home.
I think what it boils down to for me is that I need somebody to actually care. Someone just needs to take a vague, general interest in the fact that I'm trying. Just one person to say "Hey, I see you're not doing your usual muffin/bagel breakfast and eating a fruit cup - what's up?" I don't know when I didn't become enough - but I'm sitting here realizing that I'm not enough. It's not enough just to do this for me.
Those are profound words. I mean, people say all the time "I want to lose weight because I want to feel better. I want to be healthy. I want to be more active." People do things because they'll get good things from it - and I'm just having a hard time figuring out what my good things will be.
Well, now that I've been Debbie-Downer for the day, it's time to do my good-bad-ugly for the day.
Good - Well, I didn't snooze this morning
Bad - It's raining, I need to figure out how to get my lunch walk in without coming back to work and looking like I tried to drown myself in the river.
Ugly - Feeling low.