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Day 94 - Updates all around

Friday, September 21, 2012

Good morning, everyone.

Things are alright over here. I can't even articulate how glad I am that it's Friday and that the weekend is nearly here. I have planned to do a nice, long bike ride tomorrow. Looking to do the 15 mile loop of riverfront trails and maybe take a break in the middle to go for a Kayak ride. There's a chance of showers; but, nothing that seems so bad that it would keep me off the trail.

Tomorrow is also my Company's picnic which I am not attending. I know I'm socially killing myself by not going (and I know I've been socially sabotaging myself a lot lately); but, the thought alone makes my insides knot up.

I work for a small company of -good- people. I mean that in the broadest, highest sense of the word. Funny people. Kind people. Hard working people. There isn't a single person here that I don't like. But well, sometimes I just feel like if I wouldn't want to hang out with me I shouldn't be inflicting myself upon other people. So, I've spent a lot of time lately with my office door closed and my head down.

For those who are wondering, yes I have a call into my Doc.

As far as how things are going with my lifestyle, things are good. I had a really good run (2 miles, 22 minutes) and a pretty nice recovery walk, too. I'm feeling pretty confident for next Sunday's 5K, I really want to do well. Or, well, I want to finish.

In terms of weight I'm gladly sitting at 198. It's just a matter of feeling like I've come really far even if the scale doesn't move.

The last time I was in the 190's I was in Grad School - 2004/05. The thought alone is that I can see downward progress - and I feel like I'm getting stronger. I put on a jacket I had bought back when I was in college and it fit nicely. It was really a good feeling to be able to do that.

Still, I do have the slight problem of being a cheap bastard and not wanting to purchase more clothes until I know I'll get more than a couple of months out of them...

So, those are my victories (scale and otherwise) for this week. I hope eveyone else has been able to find victories of their own!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GINGERLY4 9/23/2012 9:52AM

    I know how it feels to want to avoid the larger gatherings. I tend to be gung ho right up until the event and then I don't want to go. A) I socially suck around other women. B) I am a wall flower and I'm okay with it. IF it weren't for my husband, I probably would never meet new people. As to being a cheap bastard, Thrift Store it! There are some great finds at thrift stores!

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SKEETOR 9/22/2012 11:22AM

    I'm not a fan of social gatherings myself. A bit of an introvert and, sometimes my likes and interest don't match up with the majority of people. So...if you're not in the mood to attend a gathering, I say that is all well. I don't think you should consider yourself inflicting yourself on other people though.
We all like you! emoticon

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BECCABOO127 9/22/2012 9:32AM

    I never went to a company picnic at my last, and it didn't hurt my standing in the company. Some peeps went and most didn't.

I used to go to company functions at a different company, and I enjoyed the functions every single time--a lot!

Go figure!

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    Puzzled. I enjoy reading your blogs, watching that VLOG, and getting to know you through the crazy DragonCon prep that I can't understand why you don't think those folks wouldn't want the pleasure of your company. If I ever had a picnic and I could invite my Sparklers, you are at the top of my list. I completely understand not wanting to mix my worlds (work vs home) but, you are funny, smart, could probably serve up a mean whip-stitch when my kid needs his pants hemmed. You get a pass on the company gig but, when I finally have my own I expect you to be in the building MISSY!

Have a great ride tomorrow rain or shine.
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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TURTLESLOW14 9/21/2012 5:14PM

    I know that feeling of not wanting to be around others, I have severe social anxiety, I wouldnt be going to the picnic either. Your ride sound awesome and beautiful at the same time, I hope you get to enjoy it without the rain getting in the way. Hope you have a great weekend

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GRACEOMALLEY 9/21/2012 5:09PM

    I hope you enjoy your ride and take some time to relax over the weekend. If you don't go to the picnic I doubt the world will implode. Your job is your job and many folks don't necessarily enjoy hanging out with people from work outside of work, no matter how nice they are. You have a life that is separate from your job and that should never be seen as a problem.

SO - do what makes you feel free and comfortable and challenged and happy and don't worry about extraneous stuff!


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LILAC_LANE 9/21/2012 12:06PM

    Congrats on your non scale victories. I'm sorry your not feeling like going to your company picnic, but I totally understand where you''re coming from. I've gone through times like that myself. I'm here for you. Just sparkmail me.
Enjoy your weekend and your 5K.

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Days 91 - 93: To Doc or not to Doc

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Welcome to Thursday ladies and gents.

Well, I've had time to put a lot of thought together and I think the most illuminating thing I've done is reread some of my past blogs. What I was looking for was my motivation - what I found was a trend.

Boys, you can all stop reading now.

Girls, you may just relate.

So, I've never been the kind of girl who had any kind of PMS type symptoms. No cramps, no mood-swings, nothing. Really, the only reason my life changed at all was the obvious - and it was always like clockwork.

Well, it's still like clockwork and I'm still pain-free; but, I am definitely having hormonal impacts. Bad hormonal impacts. When I look back at my blogs and I see my 'brain cloud' 'depressed' 'funky' entries they all happen at the same time. I can't believe it; I don't know when this happened that my body decided that it would go all depressed on me; but, it's not normal, not for me.

So, I'm trying to decide whether I should involve my doctor. I don't like the fact that for a week before and for a lot of the time during my period that I feel generally low, worthless, and dare I say rock bottom. Rationally, I can look at things and I know what's causing it when I'm on the other side; but, in the middle of it, the feelings are very, very real and like shackles.

The problem for me is that I don't like the idea of medicating myself. It's not that I don't think the medications are beneficial; but, I simply do not like the idea of having to put a drug into my system in order to feel better. Ironically, the 'natural' suggestions provided are to 1) get more exercise and 2) eat more carbs in addition to a 'balanced' diet.

Believe me when I say that a balanced diet and exercise are not the problem here.

What's a girl to do? I mean, this depression is debilitating. It's affecting my work and my social life. It's bad enough that I emotionally shut down. But, I don't want to have to take 'uppers.'


Double Ugh.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BECCABOO127 9/22/2012 9:05AM

    I would consult with a doc. It is not like you have to take meds if you don't want too. If you are choosing to take meds, read the insert of the meds very carefully. You may also wish to ask the pharmacist for the official, doctor insert and not just the patient insert.

Read to see what kind of side effects the med causes, so you will know what to look for should you start the med. For example, I went on Cymbalta for depression and arthritis pain. It helps both. It also helps to possibly raise your blood glucose--significantly! I went from a normal blood glucose to 350!

I didn't know what to look for obviously.

Then again, my sis is on a very low dose of celexa (10 mg) and it helps her quite a bit without causing any noticeable side effects.

Depression PMS is a real thing. They didn't recognize it years ago.

There is also PMDD. See this article for more info:

emoticon to you. I hope you get this worked out!

Comment edited on: 9/22/2012 9:09:40 AM

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POMATOJUICE 9/21/2012 9:16AM

    If you aren't inherently opposed to hormonal birth control, and you aren't currently on it, it may help regulate that stuff. I've had lots of problems with my girly plumbing since I started dropping this weight. I've been on BC. The first one made my uterus act really squirrely after I hit a certain weight, so I changed to a different pill that caused migranes, morning sickness, etc. When I dropped the weight, most of the bad side effects went away, but now it's a little unpredictable! Sometimes it happens on the placebo week late.. sometimes not at all. Sometimes it happens a week or two later! Really unpredictable!

Here's what my doc told me: Since I was already on BC, he didn't want to mess with it unless I thought the way things were going now were completely unbearable. Personally, I made the decision that the stuff I'm experiencing right now is tolerable, and I dind't need to try anything new. He didn't really want to change any medications until my weight stabilized.

Your situation is different, but if you aren't already on a hormonal BC, it may help. Or, your doc may not want to try anything until you hit maintenance, like mine :X

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SKEETOR 9/20/2012 7:15PM

    I've always had that problem a week before.... I find I can cry at most any sentimental TV commercial...crazy! I also can get a little aggressive (sounds better than cranky, doesn't it).
You could see your doctor to make sure nothing out of the ordinary is going on (better safe than sorry) but I don't medicate for it, I can usually have better control it once I realize what day of the cycle it is.

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CKMATHERLY 9/20/2012 10:51AM

    Unfortunately when you lose weight it throws the hormones outta whack for a while. Your body is used to producing enough for the larger you and takes a few rounds to adjust, but if you are still shrinking, it doesn't get a chance to catch up. If you are on BC, definitely talk to your Doctor, an adjustment may be helpful, if not getting on BC might be helpful.

I know the whiney, unmotivated PMS, I get the ultra fatigue with mine too.

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GINGERLY4 9/20/2012 10:48AM

    I've had the same experience. I never had mood swings and always had a pain TOM. I'm still painfree, but I also have mood swings now. It started happening about a year ago and my husband had to point it out to me. I'm learning to recognize when it's happening and make an effort to remind myself that it's just my hormones playing tricks on me. However, if it's affecting your lifestyle and your livelihood, then you should probably see a doctor just to be sure that you have done everything you could do.

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MSMOSTIMPROVED 9/20/2012 10:24AM

    I agree. Maybe the doc can offer additional natural options like teas or lavender oil. My husband would laugh out loud becuz I'm turn into a whiny, crying, and sometimes evil monster for a while. I don't just fight through it but-- I'm use to it and my whining and crying doesn't bother me a bit. So do as I say not as I do!

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LOSE4LIFE47 9/20/2012 10:00AM

    I believe you should see your dr. just to be on the safe side.

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Days 89 - 90: Groceries. Ugh.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Welcome to the start of the week, everyone!

I'm pleased to say that although my body demands to hold onto every ounce of water I put into it I am currently holding strong at 198.8. I'd like not to see 2-oh-burbia again; but, if I do, I know I can make it back down again.

I'm still in my funk. It's not as thick a funk as before; but, a funk nonetheless.

I'm down to 10 days until my very first 5K race. Yesterday I went for my 3 mile loop over lunch and found myself slowing to a walk. I knew I wasn't tired. I knew I wasn't working hard. I just let myself walk. I want to say I don't know why - but, I feel like I do. I just wasn't feeling motivated. I wasn't feeling 'pumped.' I wasn't feeling any sense of urgency to prove that I can complete the distance or to just keep moving. So, well, I didn't.

Ugh, I wish I could bottle up some other people's motivation and spray it on in times of crisis! I know I'm completely capable of running that entire distance - so why did I stop?!


I managed to get one room in my house cleaned and organized this weekend - my kitchen. Now, I do have one thing Kitchen related to complain about: my grocery bill. I've noticed since I started eating in a more deliberate way that my grocery bill has doubled. It could be because I'm eating more unprocessed protein (chicken, beef, fish); but, I think it could also be because I'm eating more fruit and veg. My budget has exploded from $50-$60 a week all the way up to $75-$100 a week.

I'm trying to bring myself to do a more in-depth blog; but, I just can't right now. I have so much more I want to talk about; but, I'm feeling icky. Soon, folks. Soon.

Have a wonderful Tuesday, one and all!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JMANDA86 9/20/2012 12:44PM

    Do you listen to music when you run? That is the only thing that keeps me going and I have to have it blasting so it drowns out the thoughts in my head. I worry about my ears, but I'd rather be deaf than dead from heart disease!

My bf and I are on a REALLY tight budget so I feel you with the groceries. We haven't been eating enough fruits and veggies right now because we just can't afford it. Shop around if you can. We have a grocery store 'Valley Produce' that is SO much cheaper for produce and more expensive for everything else so I try to go there when I'm in the area. It is a 'Mexican grocery store'. We have a few around us that are way cheaper for produce and even meat too sometimes. Just not anything in the aisles!

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POMATOJUICE 9/18/2012 1:37PM

    I fully expected our grocery budget to explode, too, but ours has gone down! I think it's because I convinced my husband to stop drinking so much soda, though. Soda is expensive! I think another reason why our bill has dropped is just flat out because I don't eat so much. It took a lot of extra money to support the ammount of fat I was gaining every year!

I have been spending a lot more money on fitness equipment and shoes though :/

I wish I knew how to dig myself out of funks, too :( It doesn't help the "I don't wannas," but when I'm feeling down or depressed, sometimes I'll watch really depressing movies that make me cry. Who doesn't feel better after a good cry? I've learned you don't even need to have a reason to cry to have it make you feel better, so I watch Pixar's UP and cry for nearly the whole movie. lol

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SKEETOR 9/18/2012 10:55AM

    As far as your grocery bill, I see that extra money as a wise investment. Your health will save you more money in the long run (and make you happier longer than a new CD or DVD). Just check out to see if you're spending it wisely (buying in season, on-sale, etc.)
As far as your lingering funk, are you taking a multi-vitamin or B supplements? Maybe your lacking some "mood" vitamins/minerals?
I hate to see you in such a funk! emoticon
Take care!

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NAKIOMA 9/18/2012 10:34AM

    You are worth all of the struggles and frustrations. However - you are doing it = congratulations.

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TXTOAD9970 9/18/2012 10:31AM

    Sometimes eating healthy can be more expensive but consider this: you are drinking water instead of expensive caloric sodas and you are eating healthy fruits and vegetables instead of more expensive, unhealthy processed snacks. The trade off is soooo worth it!

Keep the spark...

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LILAC_LANE 9/18/2012 10:31AM

    Congrats on busting the scale!

I could use some of your cleaning motivation.
My house is a mess, but my Spark's page is
nice and tidy, LOL

I hope you feel better.
I can relate to "feeling icky"
Here's hoping the rest of your
week is "Un-icky" (I know that's a real word!)


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Day 88 - A Vlog just because

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Ups and downs and 5K prep

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WONDERFUL2BME 9/16/2012 3:17PM

    I can totally relate to family being your friends and being an introvert. I was married but that didn't turn out well. I am so happy to be single.

My closet of clothes is one of my goals for losing weight. I want my wonderful clothes to zip, button, and hang the way they are supposed to.

I loved your vlog and sharing yourself.

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MSMOSTIMPROVED 9/16/2012 12:16PM

    Holding out my hands and singing into my pink microphone Michael Jackson's... You are not allooooone! I am here with you!

You look great- keep working on it hon!

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LILAC_LANE 9/16/2012 8:01AM

    I admire you for vlogging. I'm an extrovert, but the thought of vlogging stretches me beyond my comfort zone. As far as the mistakes at work, no one is perfect, and try to move on. Don't let it rattle you into more mistakes. (Talking from experience here) As far as your weight; Muscle weighs more than fat and your obviously making muscle from running. Also daily weight fluxes from salt, processed food and hormones could be a factor. I try to gauge how I feel and how my clothes fit, because I know the scale lies :)
Wishing you success in your 5K and a better week.

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SKEETOR 9/15/2012 9:12PM

    Introverts unite! emoticon
(but you're are still so much more than your job....)
Have a nice night!

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Pre-DragonCon Vid Blog

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Uploaded for posterity.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LILAC_LANE 9/16/2012 8:07AM

    I can TOTALLY relate to "eating crap for convenience"
Your singing my song :) la la la la emoticon

Have fun at Dragon con and the "Pepper's" miss you too!

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