Monday, September 10, 2012
Once upon a time there was a girl. And that girl would say, "Run? I don't run. I can't run!" She'd say it with all of her will and all of her might and it was so very clear that from the very deep down bottom of her soul she felt it!
"Running is for getting away from things chasing you!"
"Running is for people who don't know how to plan!"
"Running is for skinny people!"
She'd use her excuses and she'd mean them, too.
She'd hide behind jokes, "If I'm being chased by a zombie, I don't have to run that fast!" and deflections "It's really great that you can do that!" and of course the truth, "I run funny. I don't like people seeing me run."
They were all excuses though, and even deeper than her conviction that she didn't run, that she couldn't run; she knew that the only thing stopping her was her.
Something happened. The scale went too high. People started getting sick. Everyone else seemed to be having so much fun with their runs and the girl was left on her own! "What about me?" She asked herself, why can't I?
The door opened, just a crack. The question was asked, why couldn't she?
The girl pondered a moment and thought of failures past. She'd tried for a while in high school (nearly 15 years ago!); she'd tried again in college and liked napping more; she'd tried when she'd declared herself a grown-up, but only wound up sore!
"This time will be different," the girl declared, "This time I'll have patience and I'll be better prepared!" She gathered her friends and anyone with ears, "I'm going to train! I'm going to run -ahem- jog, for the first time in years!" Some looked at her skeptically, some asked her why, others still cheered on and helped her hold her head high! "You can do this with time," her sage Aunt advised, "Just stretch, and hydrate, and follow my guide!"
The first week was hard and the girl knew she looked silly. "Just a minute for now and then walk for two? What good is this doing, just making me pant - I wanted to run, not just to sweat!" Still she persevered and at times she lagged. A times she felt like a failure, her shoulders sagged.
The girl heard voices in the back of her head, saying that this was all pointless, she'd known how it would go - she'd always look stupid, frumpy, and slow. "Fat girls don't run!" One said, "I think they just laughed!" Still another whispered deviously, "You can't go much further, you might as well crash!"
The voices kept coming, but the girl drowned them out - up went the music, out went her shouts! "I won't slow down this time, I won't let you win! I can do this! I will do this! Who cares if I'm not thin?!"
The girl ran on, seconds turned to minutes, and steps to miles. The girl knows now what she tried to disguise. She wanted to try before, but she was scared. She wanted to keep up, wanted to win; but there was no mistaking the lack of confidence within.
So now she runs for herself, voices in tow. Sometimes those same old ones give it a go, "You're feeling so tired and you look so silly!" or "It's too far to go, you're going so slow!"
That, dear friends, is when the music gets louder and the girl just goes.
Saturday, September 08, 2012
Today was one hell of a bumpy ride. I started off the day pretty late (10AM) which made for a very compressed day.
Great news is I'm officially a size 16. I haven't been a 16 for many years, so it felt wonderful to be able to fit into that size comfortably. I was also daring enough to try on size 14, but those are still too snug for my liking.
Like many women, I hate shopping for jeans. Given the nature of their construction, many women who have wider hips and smaller waists where you get this ridiculous gap in the back.
Add this fact of life to the odd reason that my favorite store (because they're the least likely to gap) had ridiculous issues with gapping AND decided to lengthen all of their pants and I am one sad panda. 20+ pairs of jeans tried on and I came home with one (and then only because I decided the back gap was tolerable for $20.)
In other much more exciting news I completed my first attempt at a 5K distance today. 40 minutes and some odd seconds. I'm really proud, I feel all the more confident that I can complete the Great Race now. All there is to do is work on my time. I think with this jolt of confidence I'll be able to get closer to 38 or 39 minutes. The whole time I really wasn't sure how far I had to go, so, I really paced myself and held back. Now that I know how far it is from A to B, I think I'll be much more daring.
Before I started running today, though, I totally had to come to grips with a very intimate fear of failure that hit me. I was worried I wasn't ready. I couldn't help but think how I struggled on my last 24 minute mile. What I've learned is that running for a clock doesn't work for me. I just need to go and focus on keeping my movement going. What I also learned is that once I did start moving and realized I'd trained hard to be able to attempt the run that the fears began to slide away. No longer did I worry about not being able to finish, it just turned into focusing on my pace and breathing.
I hope everyone else has found something this weekend to make themselves proud.
AAHHH it's almost Monday again!
Friday, September 07, 2012
Well, first and foremost I've decided to drop all of the IDEA references from my blog titles. To remind everyone, I'm doing this whole weight loss study thing. Right now the rules are still 1200 calories, 40 grams of fat, and 250 minutes of exercise. The rules, frankly, are pretty easy for me. Well, especially since I've decided my calorie range is from 1200 to 1400 and I don't stress when my fat hits 50. The minutes are pretty simple, too, because I'm a planner and a goal setter and stubborn as hell.
So, what I'm trying to say is, this isn't about the study anymore. This is about finding my lifestyle and getting things comfortable and -liveable.- I'm doing great at the study, and I'm planning to continue doing great; but, I want to do great at my life and life isn't always going to support an irrational 1200 calorie goal.
Last night I went out and did a nice long bike ride. My tracker said it was just 5 miles; but, my GPS didn't kick in until 1/4 of the way through, so I know it was longer. All told I rode for 45 minutes, and I would have kept going had I wanted to torture my dog. What can I say, I love Jack and want him to be able to pee when he needs to :-P
I felt good on last night's ride. I felt strong. Sure, I had to really push to get up some of the hills; but, I did some great self talk. I started at 230 and counted down. Each pedal press was a pound lost. By the time I hit 200 I was up the hill, and at 190 I felt like I could take on the world. There wasn't a voice in my head that said I couldn't do it; and I wouldn't have cared if there was. I Fracked a bunch of hills and reveled in the sweat. It's good to feel like you're strong.
With 21 days until the 5K I find myself desperately needing to attempt the distance. I've been running for time up until this point, working up my minutes as opposed to working for distance. Well, tomorrow I'm going for 3 miles. I know, it's not quite 5K, but I need to know that I can do that far. I know can, I can feel it in my bones. I did a mile and a half on my sucky day on Wednesday, with the weather projected to be in the low 70's I feel like I'm setting myself up for success. I got this. I can do this. I will do this.
Alright, guys and girls, lets all keep our eyes on the prize!
Thursday, September 06, 2012
Well, we're rapidly coming upon the end of the work week!
Last night I posted a trio of photos from the con, I'm just waiting for more to turn up from the photographers and also to get the motivation to dig up my own camera to upload. The euphoria of Con is slowly fading, only to be replaced by the need to gear up for next year. Right now memberships are on sale for $65 - and will be up around $120 right before the Con. Also, one of the host hotels has already sold out.. which is sort of a bummer. In other words, I have to decide very, very quickly if I want to invest in going back next year.
Last night I went to do my first run since last Sunday. I was slated for a 25 minute non-stop run. I failed. Terribly. For starters, and I know this sounds like an excuse, I had on a backpack with my work clothes in it since I wouldn't be able to get back in the building. Second it was humid and gross. Third, I knew from the second I stepped out of the building my brain wasn't in it. It's okay. I made it about 15 minutes before I stopped and walked. Today I brought my bike and intend to do a nice, long bout before going home tonight. I'll get my head back in the game, just you wait and see.
I had a plethora of blog topics in my head including C25K fail from yesterday, the fact that I feel like my lady-times are getting me more moody now than they ever had, and that this is the first time in years I've felt so comfortable in my own skin.
All of those topics are going to have to wait for another time :-P
I hope you all are keeping your heads up and your hearts full - we've all come so far and will go so much further with patience and determination!
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