Thursday, November 05, 2009
I was just reading a thread where everyone posted what they wouldn't miss about being fat. Unfortunately most of those of things I think I won't miss because it won't change. Not my weight though, other things, like feeling self conscious, low self esteem, etc. I don't think those things will go away for me and now I'm a bit depressed about it. Especially that I feel like no one will ever love me.
I've never had a boyfriend before, I don't feel comfortable being that close to people, I'm doing dancing and martial arts to try and change that, but it's only working so much. In dancing there's this one move where I have to put my hand on his waist, and I feel really uncomfortable doing it.
I don't know if I'll ever feel like I deserve to be loved or if I'll ever be able to get that close to someone or trust someone completely. I don't know if I'll ever like the way I look, or be confident enough in myself to not care what other people think. I don't know if I'll ever just be happy with the way I am, even once I lose all the weight, there are too many things I don't like myself.
the touching issue
my weight and apearance
im very unfit
my health issues due to/aggravated by my weight
low self esteem
im lonely but dont feel deserving of love
my clothing size
i cant cross my legs
i am embarassed by how I must look when dancing, doing martial arts, or exercising
not being able to keep up in dance and martial arts classes
and so many more but i need to stop this line of thought, I need to distract myself and keep busy to keep from feeling down.