Wednesday, February 03, 2010
Today I find myself being very down and negative. Feeling like I'll never acomplish the things I want. Like the weight loss, but also getting better at hapkido, like really being able to do it. and the dancing, I want to dance so well and really look good doing it, I feel very insecure when I dance. Everyone was great with the comments and made me feel good, but with my routine coming up I just feel like I'll never be good enough.
I should be feeling good today, I was good with exercising, had hapkido, I stuck to my plan for all my meals, which I don't normally do. I still feel bad though.
When I was at hapkido, I was practicing my set of 15 techniques I need to do for my grading on saturday, and I just feel like I'll never be able to do them well. I can sorta do them, but certainly not with any kind of skill. I don't like getting so close to them when I have to attack, something that's getting better but I'm not there yet, and then I don't like being thrown or throwing them. More than just not liking it, I know I won't hurt them and they won't hurt me, they're nice and gentle cus I'm a girl lol, but I still just have this fear when it comes to certain things and today I just feel like I should quit while I'm ahead. I won't though, I know I can't stop now or things will never change, so I keep trying.
The dancing isn't so bad, but we've only got so far in my lessons. I know that eventually I'll need to do things I don't like doing, which I do a couple of now but my instructor's nice and doesn't lead them very often or I just don't do it. I know that for some of the dances, we're actually supposed to have body contact, which we don't do because I just can't do it, though I think it's because I'm still a beginner too. I don't know what I would do if he wanted to add the body contact in, if I would be able to do it, or if I would be too scared. I don't even know what about the touching scares me, it's not germs, maybe its the intimacy, or maybe I think I don't deserve affection or something. I don't know, I'm not a psychologist and all I know is it scares me.
Somehow, I need to get over this. I want to be happy, and eventually trust someone enough that I won't be scared of anything with them. I want to feel confident and trust myself. I want to be comfortable with who I am. I just don't know how. Do I just keep doing what I'm doing? Should I do something different? Do I just try harder? Do I need someone there to believe in me?
Sorry guys, I'm just not having a good day emotionally. At least I did good with diet and exercise, that's something at least.
Good night everyone.
Monday, February 01, 2010
I went to a dance last night, outside my dance studio, but with people from my studio. It's the same place I went on new year's eve. I actually danced a little more this time. Though, I am finding that I prefer to dance with certain people. One guy, who has been dancing for over a year, I find he doesn't keep in time with the music, which screws me up. Then there's this other guy who has been dancing a long time, he's a good dancer, but I find it difficult to follow him, I keep screwing up. There's 2 guys in particular though, that I dance much better with, Mark and Brian. Brian is the stronger dancer but I tend to be able to follow both of them pretty well, I don't feel like a complete klutz when I dance with them. I'm not saying it's not at all my fault lol, I know I'm inexperienced when it comes to dancing with various partners. I guess being inexperienced, having a strong dancer leading definitely helps. I even got up and tried the ballroom line dancing thing, they did the tango, disco and the jive. By the end of the jive one I was actually starting to get it. They don't show what you're doing they just start doing it so it was hard to pick it up.
I finally got my homework done last night, after the dance I had to come home and work on it as it was due online by midnight last night. I think I did ok, it was a little challenging as that's the class where my teacher doesn't teach, he just posts everything online. Today I'll be finishing up a lab report that's due in the morning. My dance lesson that's tomorrow, I may see if I can do it today instead. I also have hapkido tonight, I don't really want to go as I'm getting nervous about my orange belt test on saturday. I'm starting to freak out about my waltz too and it's not til the 11th. I may start missing dinner on sunday with my parents a lot because the people I went dancing with want to start making the sunday dances a regular thing. I would love that.
Sorry lol, I'm keep talking about the dancing again lol. I also did fairly well this with my weight, I had a 3 pound loss for my weighin yesterday ^_^ hope to keep that going. My sister got a new puppy, he's so adorable. He's part boxer part labrador. Last weekend when I went to my parents for dinner, they brought him. He's 8 or 9 weeks old now I think, he slept on me for a while. It was funny when my parents dog, a maltese, kept running away from this tiny little puppy that's like half his size whenever he tried to play. My parents dog likes people but not really other dogs.
Anyway, I gotta get ready for school and take my dress to be cleaned for my waltz ^_^ so I hope we all have a great week !
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Well, I screwed up again today. I treated myself to pancakes this morning, which I haven't had in forever. I had breakfast late though so I figured if I watched my dinner I'd be fine. It didn't turn out that way, I had too much for dinner, though admittedly it could've been worse. I've been trying to get my sodium under control too and today, and yesterday, I went way over but I have been doing better on average.
I know I'll do better tomorrow, I'm going dancing and a buffet is included but I know I won't eat much. Last time, when I went for new year's, I didn't eat at all because there were too many people there and I felt claustrophobic but I know it won't be as bad this time. It's not a holiday ^_^, so I'm sure I'll eat but probably still not much. I was invited to go today by some of the people I dance with at my studio during their parties. They left a message though so I don't think they know I'm going. I'm just gonna meet them there though. Hopefully this time, with less people there, I'll dance more. It's just because it's not my studio where I'm used to dancing and know many of the faces, I'll only know a few.
Anyway, I've been working on school work all afternoon, it's annoying. For that particular class my teacher doesn't teach, he just posts stuff online and is there if we have questions. So here I am trying to figure this stuff out on my own, and of course I'm the worst procrastinator ever, it's due online by tomrrow midnight so I'll be working on it tomorrow afternoon too. After work and before dancing. I feel like I'm fairly well though, if progressing slowly. My problem with writing, it's all one page written answers, is that I don't do well with rough drafts, I tend to just start and keep going trying to make it sound good and not to have to go back over it again. Luckily, they're fairly short this time and it's working out pretty good so far. Then on monday I have to do a lab report for geotech. I also need to take my dress in to get dry cleaned beause its a black dress and has some deodorant marks on it, dam those commercials for lying about leaving no marks lol.
Even with my mess ups I think I'll do ok with tomorrow's weigh-in. I'm hoping to keep it at 2 pounds down cus this morning, after yesterday I was still at 3 pounds down, so with today I think somewhere betwen 2 and 3. I hope anyway.
My grandfather's out of the hospital now, he had a hip replacement, my grandparents leave tomorrow morning so I went to see them today. They're at my parents. They liked my new clothes, I got a bright red shirt and some pants that are that khaki green color. My mom especially liked them because I do tend to buy more black stuff. Not intentionally just because I like the clothes lol. I always try on colorful stuff, but I'm picky with color and fit so it's hard for me, and I do tend to like black pants or blue jeans.
I don't really think there's anything else new so I will finish by wishing everyone a nice rest of their weekend and a good week ^_^
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Wow, I have to say I wasn't expecting such a great response to my dance video. Thank you everyone who commented, it meant a lot to me ^_^ I will be doing my waltz 3 weeks from today at their valentine's themed party. I think I may actually fit into my dress on time too ^_^ I tried it on again today and it fits better than last time, I'm almost there.
I have messed up a couple times with my eating but luckily not too bad, so it hasn't done too much damage. I'm hoping to be back on track today, so that I can get my 2 pound loss this week!
Tonight I'm going dancing, it's one of the practice parties at my dance studio. I know I did the circle dance thing at the last party but I don't know if I'll do it again tonight, we'll see.
One week from saturday is my orange belt test and I'm so not ready. I'm going tomorrow night, which is the extra night, to do some more practice. The unfortunate thing is that my dance routine and belt test are close together so I can't really concentrate on one or the other. My dance is more of a priority for me because I'll be performing, only because I'm doing it in front of everyone and I'm afraid I'll mess up totally. The hapkido belt test is WITH everyone, not in front of everyone. I would say normally they are both equal priorities for me.
School is going well so far, not too crazy yet. I think I'm doing fairly well with my eating when I'm at school too. I either take something, or I'm very careful with what I buy. I've also started using my slow cooker a bit more. I'm gonna use it every wednesday because that is my longest day and I never want to cook when I get home. Tonight I may pick up subway because I'll need the extra time to get ready for the dance party. I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do with my hair when I do my routine, assuming of course I wear my dress. I'm not exactly skilled when it comes to styling my hair nice.
I think that's about it for me lately, have a nice weekend everyone!
Monday, January 25, 2010
I am dancing the ChaCha with my instructor Marko. The ChaCha is my second favorite dance, the first being the waltz. I am still learning and tend to be a bit insecure about my dancing still. I was so nervous recording this knowing I would be showing it to you all. I hope you like it ^_^
Just something I'd like to add is thank you so much for all the great comments, they mean a lot to me. I'm so proud of myself for having the courage to post this and thankful for all your support.
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