FOXYROXY13   27,324
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February 3, 2010

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

Today I find myself being very down and negative. Feeling like I'll never acomplish the things I want. Like the weight loss, but also getting better at hapkido, like really being able to do it. and the dancing, I want to dance so well and really look good doing it, I feel very insecure when I dance. Everyone was great with the comments and made me feel good, but with my routine coming up I just feel like I'll never be good enough.

I should be feeling good today, I was good with exercising, had hapkido, I stuck to my plan for all my meals, which I don't normally do. I still feel bad though.

When I was at hapkido, I was practicing my set of 15 techniques I need to do for my grading on saturday, and I just feel like I'll never be able to do them well. I can sorta do them, but certainly not with any kind of skill. I don't like getting so close to them when I have to attack, something that's getting better but I'm not there yet, and then I don't like being thrown or throwing them. More than just not liking it, I know I won't hurt them and they won't hurt me, they're nice and gentle cus I'm a girl lol, but I still just have this fear when it comes to certain things and today I just feel like I should quit while I'm ahead. I won't though, I know I can't stop now or things will never change, so I keep trying.

The dancing isn't so bad, but we've only got so far in my lessons. I know that eventually I'll need to do things I don't like doing, which I do a couple of now but my instructor's nice and doesn't lead them very often or I just don't do it. I know that for some of the dances, we're actually supposed to have body contact, which we don't do because I just can't do it, though I think it's because I'm still a beginner too. I don't know what I would do if he wanted to add the body contact in, if I would be able to do it, or if I would be too scared. I don't even know what about the touching scares me, it's not germs, maybe its the intimacy, or maybe I think I don't deserve affection or something. I don't know, I'm not a psychologist and all I know is it scares me.

Somehow, I need to get over this. I want to be happy, and eventually trust someone enough that I won't be scared of anything with them. I want to feel confident and trust myself. I want to be comfortable with who I am. I just don't know how. Do I just keep doing what I'm doing? Should I do something different? Do I just try harder? Do I need someone there to believe in me?

Sorry guys, I'm just not having a good day emotionally. At least I did good with diet and exercise, that's something at least.

Good night everyone.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NO_EXCUSES_ 2/4/2010 9:09AM

    Awww Sweetie! Dawn is right. Your confidence will come and it'll be here when you least expect it. You are doing so well so don't let your own insecurities drag you down.

You dance wonderfully!!! I can't stand for anyone to get close or touch me either, so I know how that feels. No one sees that in your performance though. You are definitely a "show girl" =)

Keep up the good work and try to smile!!! You do deserve the best!!!


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WEIGHTING4BABY 2/4/2010 7:43AM

    I agree with Dawn. Everything will fall into place.

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DAWNWINS 2/4/2010 6:27AM

    Keep doing what you are doing, the confidence will come with time
You are a great dancer now, it only gets better!

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February 1, 2010

Monday, February 01, 2010

I went to a dance last night, outside my dance studio, but with people from my studio. It's the same place I went on new year's eve. I actually danced a little more this time. Though, I am finding that I prefer to dance with certain people. One guy, who has been dancing for over a year, I find he doesn't keep in time with the music, which screws me up. Then there's this other guy who has been dancing a long time, he's a good dancer, but I find it difficult to follow him, I keep screwing up. There's 2 guys in particular though, that I dance much better with, Mark and Brian. Brian is the stronger dancer but I tend to be able to follow both of them pretty well, I don't feel like a complete klutz when I dance with them. I'm not saying it's not at all my fault lol, I know I'm inexperienced when it comes to dancing with various partners. I guess being inexperienced, having a strong dancer leading definitely helps. I even got up and tried the ballroom line dancing thing, they did the tango, disco and the jive. By the end of the jive one I was actually starting to get it. They don't show what you're doing they just start doing it so it was hard to pick it up.

I finally got my homework done last night, after the dance I had to come home and work on it as it was due online by midnight last night. I think I did ok, it was a little challenging as that's the class where my teacher doesn't teach, he just posts everything online. Today I'll be finishing up a lab report that's due in the morning. My dance lesson that's tomorrow, I may see if I can do it today instead. I also have hapkido tonight, I don't really want to go as I'm getting nervous about my orange belt test on saturday. I'm starting to freak out about my waltz too and it's not til the 11th. I may start missing dinner on sunday with my parents a lot because the people I went dancing with want to start making the sunday dances a regular thing. I would love that.

Sorry lol, I'm keep talking about the dancing again lol. I also did fairly well this with my weight, I had a 3 pound loss for my weighin yesterday ^_^ hope to keep that going. My sister got a new puppy, he's so adorable. He's part boxer part labrador. Last weekend when I went to my parents for dinner, they brought him. He's 8 or 9 weeks old now I think, he slept on me for a while. It was funny when my parents dog, a maltese, kept running away from this tiny little puppy that's like half his size whenever he tried to play. My parents dog likes people but not really other dogs.

Anyway, I gotta get ready for school and take my dress to be cleaned for my waltz ^_^ so I hope we all have a great week !

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CARLA393 2/1/2010 12:47PM

    Oh fun! What kind of dancing do you do? I used to dance for 10 years when I was younger, and then I entered preteen years and I stopped any activity of any kind, and then I put on all the weight. I used to love dancing though. I always wanted to do ballroom dancing, but I never really looked into it. I wasn't sure if I needed a partner, and I never would have one. Woohoo on the loss girl, keep it up!

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January 30, 2010

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Well, I screwed up again today. I treated myself to pancakes this morning, which I haven't had in forever. I had breakfast late though so I figured if I watched my dinner I'd be fine. It didn't turn out that way, I had too much for dinner, though admittedly it could've been worse. I've been trying to get my sodium under control too and today, and yesterday, I went way over but I have been doing better on average.

I know I'll do better tomorrow, I'm going dancing and a buffet is included but I know I won't eat much. Last time, when I went for new year's, I didn't eat at all because there were too many people there and I felt claustrophobic but I know it won't be as bad this time. It's not a holiday ^_^, so I'm sure I'll eat but probably still not much. I was invited to go today by some of the people I dance with at my studio during their parties. They left a message though so I don't think they know I'm going. I'm just gonna meet them there though. Hopefully this time, with less people there, I'll dance more. It's just because it's not my studio where I'm used to dancing and know many of the faces, I'll only know a few.

Anyway, I've been working on school work all afternoon, it's annoying. For that particular class my teacher doesn't teach, he just posts stuff online and is there if we have questions. So here I am trying to figure this stuff out on my own, and of course I'm the worst procrastinator ever, it's due online by tomrrow midnight so I'll be working on it tomorrow afternoon too. After work and before dancing. I feel like I'm fairly well though, if progressing slowly. My problem with writing, it's all one page written answers, is that I don't do well with rough drafts, I tend to just start and keep going trying to make it sound good and not to have to go back over it again. Luckily, they're fairly short this time and it's working out pretty good so far. Then on monday I have to do a lab report for geotech. I also need to take my dress in to get dry cleaned beause its a black dress and has some deodorant marks on it, dam those commercials for lying about leaving no marks lol.

Even with my mess ups I think I'll do ok with tomorrow's weigh-in. I'm hoping to keep it at 2 pounds down cus this morning, after yesterday I was still at 3 pounds down, so with today I think somewhere betwen 2 and 3. I hope anyway.

My grandfather's out of the hospital now, he had a hip replacement, my grandparents leave tomorrow morning so I went to see them today. They're at my parents. They liked my new clothes, I got a bright red shirt and some pants that are that khaki green color. My mom especially liked them because I do tend to buy more black stuff. Not intentionally just because I like the clothes lol. I always try on colorful stuff, but I'm picky with color and fit so it's hard for me, and I do tend to like black pants or blue jeans.

I don't really think there's anything else new so I will finish by wishing everyone a nice rest of their weekend and a good week ^_^

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WEIGHTING4BABY 1/31/2010 4:21PM


I love that you dance. Hope you had fun last night.
Glad your grandpa is doing well too!
And I'm glad you bought clothes with color because i tend to gravitate to black clothing as well:)
Keep up the great work!

Comment edited on: 1/31/2010 4:21:41 PM

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VAMACKGIRL 1/31/2010 11:44AM

    You will be okay babe! We all have our "moments" sounds like your plate is about as full as mine. I loved your dance vlog, you ROCK! I want to get a dancing DVD.....I think I will.... Yeah, I will hahahaha!
Have a wonderful day and I HOPE you have a good weigh in and you get done all that stuff on your list, my goodness!!!!

Oh, and when your at dance class, and you want to eat something,
emoticon xoxoxox

Good Luck!!

emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 1/31/2010 11:45:21 AM

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DAWNWINS 1/31/2010 7:42AM

What is geotech? It sounds like something my son would be into. What will your degree be in?
Enjoy your day

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January 28, 2010

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Wow, I have to say I wasn't expecting such a great response to my dance video. Thank you everyone who commented, it meant a lot to me ^_^ I will be doing my waltz 3 weeks from today at their valentine's themed party. I think I may actually fit into my dress on time too ^_^ I tried it on again today and it fits better than last time, I'm almost there.

I have messed up a couple times with my eating but luckily not too bad, so it hasn't done too much damage. I'm hoping to be back on track today, so that I can get my 2 pound loss this week!

Tonight I'm going dancing, it's one of the practice parties at my dance studio. I know I did the circle dance thing at the last party but I don't know if I'll do it again tonight, we'll see.

One week from saturday is my orange belt test and I'm so not ready. I'm going tomorrow night, which is the extra night, to do some more practice. The unfortunate thing is that my dance routine and belt test are close together so I can't really concentrate on one or the other. My dance is more of a priority for me because I'll be performing, only because I'm doing it in front of everyone and I'm afraid I'll mess up totally. The hapkido belt test is WITH everyone, not in front of everyone. I would say normally they are both equal priorities for me.

School is going well so far, not too crazy yet. I think I'm doing fairly well with my eating when I'm at school too. I either take something, or I'm very careful with what I buy. I've also started using my slow cooker a bit more. I'm gonna use it every wednesday because that is my longest day and I never want to cook when I get home. Tonight I may pick up subway because I'll need the extra time to get ready for the dance party. I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do with my hair when I do my routine, assuming of course I wear my dress. I'm not exactly skilled when it comes to styling my hair nice.

I think that's about it for me lately, have a nice weekend everyone!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DAWNWINS 1/28/2010 12:53PM

    I KNEW that dress would fit!
You are awesome, keep it up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Enjoy your day

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TEEJAY2009 1/28/2010 12:27PM

    I'm so excited to see you do your waltz. :) As for your hair, you should do an up-do. If you can, maybe go and have it done by a stylist. That would be an awesome treat for you for all of your hard work! emoticon

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My first Dance Video

Monday, January 25, 2010

I am dancing the ChaCha with my instructor Marko. The ChaCha is my second favorite dance, the first being the waltz. I am still learning and tend to be a bit insecure about my dancing still. I was so nervous recording this knowing I would be showing it to you all. I hope you like it ^_^

Just something I'd like to add is thank you so much for all the great comments, they mean a lot to me. I'm so proud of myself for having the courage to post this and thankful for all your support.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MS.ELENI 3/5/2010 10:56PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
I loved this.You should be so proud of yourself.

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CARLA393 2/1/2010 11:32PM

    Oh my gosh, you were SO good! And you make it look like so much fun. I am totally jealous, and I want to come to class with you, lol. I am really looking forward to your next video now!!

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BORROWEDANGEL1 1/27/2010 10:03PM

    You looked so graceful out there.. I enjoyed watching you both. Lots of fun, and certainly great exercise.. Keep dancing, and Vblogging. Would love to see another dance with you and your teacher. .. emoticon

This made me want to get up and dance!

emoticon- Pat

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B_NAVY_FIT 1/27/2010 6:28PM

    awesome job! You looked amazing, and the nervousness didnt show up on the film so you looked dazzeling!

-- Rach

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CANDI6166 1/27/2010 7:46AM

    That was really GREAT!!! The best part (Besides that fact that you were perfect) was your SMILE :) during the dance... Makes me wanna Cha Cha! Thanks for sharing! Candi

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DAMARIS135 1/26/2010 4:26PM

    that was fun just watching. you did fantastic...and my little 3 yr old said "can we see that again mommy?".

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DAMARIS135 1/26/2010 4:25PM

    that was fun just watching. you did fantastic...and my little 3 yr old said "can we see that again mommy?".

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LOMAREN 1/26/2010 11:03AM

    I couldn't agree more than what everyone is saying. You were utterly AMAZING. It took courage to do this vblog of your first dance, and I'm so darned blown away. You've shown me how exercising can be a lot of fun, and exciting too!! Great job! Hope you post more of these!!!

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WEIGHTING4BABY 1/26/2010 9:19AM

    great job !!!:)

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DAWNWINS 1/26/2010 6:41AM

    You are very graceful..........this is perfect!
Good Job!
Enjoy your day

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FEMALEWRITER 1/26/2010 4:04AM

    Wow! You're braver than I am. I would love to learn how to dance, even if hubby doesn't, but I currently don't have the kind of courage to go to a dance studio and ask for lessons.

On top of are AMAZING!!! emoticon

Keep it up! emoticon emoticon

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LIFEGENESIS 1/25/2010 11:12PM

    YEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSS! Shake it! You are flipping amazing! I'm hollering right now! OMGGGGGGGGGGGG! You are so awesome! GREAT FREAKING JOB! MAN! WOOT!

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STARRSTYLIST 1/25/2010 9:29PM

    WOW Great job girl.. And I have to agree with the rest. You LOOKED AWESOME! Not a step put of place, and a big smile on your face. GREAT JOB! You should be very proud! Good exercize too. But the best part, I bet you were having a blast! And that's what counts. WOOOHOOOOO to you!

I want to dance now hehe...


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VAMACKGIRL 1/25/2010 8:26PM

    OMG I LOVE IT!!! I have been thinking about getting one of the "dance" workout DVD's, and now I know I will!! What a great vlog. I didnt know you took dancing lessons!! COOL BEANS!!!
And got a little hottie instructor too, we all noticed that grin on your face!! Hahaha!!

Janet emoticon emoticon

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TERRA49 1/25/2010 8:19PM

  You are a great dancer! Makes me want to take lessons. Thanks for sharing!

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MEG200622 1/25/2010 8:13PM

    WONDERFUL!!!! I've always wanted to do that!! WOOHOO for you giiiiirl!

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MESSENE 1/25/2010 8:08PM

    emoticonWow! The dance was emoticon emoticon emoticonYou did emoticon emoticon

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ALASKAGIRL63 1/25/2010 7:55PM

    Okay, that really settles it for me. I MUST start taking dance lessons! You are wonderful! emoticon

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TEEJAY2009 1/25/2010 7:39PM

    That was emoticon!!!!! You shouldn't be insecure about your dancing - you did a fantastic job! Very natural and fluid.

Great work! :) :) :) (makes ME want to take!)

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ONLY1TAN 1/25/2010 7:32PM

    GIRL look at you move! I am so proud of you! You will be great when you do your Waltz! Keep it up!

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_CRYS_ 1/25/2010 7:25PM

    This was awesome! You look like you're havin' so much fun. I've taken a few intro. dance classes and I thought it was so much fun. I don't think I'd ever look that good tho! You should put up some more dance videos.

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ROSESKINNY 1/25/2010 7:24PM

  I love it big smile on my face watching you!!!!!

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MISSTAMII 1/25/2010 7:21PM

    You go girl! You looked so great & the fun you are having really shows

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LOSTWITHIN 1/25/2010 7:08PM

    OMG!!! Girl you were amazing!!! Thanks so much for sharing this =)

This has to be my favorite VLOG I have ever seen on SPARK!!

Comment edited on: 1/25/2010 7:11:00 PM

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AUTUMNSWEATER 1/25/2010 6:52PM

    totally awesome!!! you look so great and graceful! thanks for showing us! awesome skills. emoticon

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