Tuesday, October 21, 2014
So I went to the doctor yesterday, for this never-ending mystery sickness. She said she doesn't know what's wrong with me. She seemed irritated that I stopped eating vegetables, but I think if she were in my shoes... she'd do the same thing, at least most of the time.
I miss broccoli. And asparagus. I miss asking my husband to bring home huge boxes of vegetables from work, knowing I could eat my fill of them without making myself feel awful.
She also wants me to go gluten free for 2 weeks to see if that helps. I can assure you... it likely will not. Also, I can't exactly afford to buy tons of gluten free things right now. But I'll try anyways. I'll probably start next Sunday.
Anyways. Because she doesn't know what's wrong with me, I have to go see a specialist, and I'm not looking forward to that. More doctors. More tests. More hoping to get an answer. :/
But the good news is, I've lost 15 pounds in the last 2 months! I don't notice it yet, in my body. I don't feel like I've lost any. But whatever I'm doing, even if I can't do it as well as I'd like... it's working. And that feels awesome. :)
Saturday, October 11, 2014
It's Saturday! And we all know why Saturdays are awesome. I get to sleep in... and I get to relax when I eat. I have never appreciated this more, since going on this adventure into Mysterious Illness-ville. I've had my fill of low-sodium soup and crackers for the week. It's hard to enjoy food when almost everything makes me sick AND I have to limit calories and salt. I've said that a lot lately... but it really is aggravating.
The really nice thing about today is that I got to go out on a lunch date with my hubby. :) He works at The Cheesecake Factory, and got "top performer of the month" for September, which means a free meal for two. He brings food home all the time, but there's a limited employee meal menu. It's also been quite an adjustment since I started back at Spark People, because (in case you've never seen the nutrition facts for the Cheesecake Factory) there are very few things on the menu I can actually eat now. It used to not matter, so whatever he brought home we would split for dinner the next day (or sometimes breakfast, haha) but this is no longer the case. In fact, there are only about 5 things I can eat now without fulfilling all my calories for the day. Or the week. Typically he brings me salmon and veggies but today... today was special.
I ordered shrimp scampi, he ordered steak. There were other things on the menu I was eyeing, but because I'm still ridiculously sick I didn't want to eat anything that might upset my stomach. We also got an appetizer, and lemonades. We were maybe 25% into our meals when we both started feeling full. It was actually sort of awesome, because I knew in that moment my body had fully adjusted to a lower calorie intake. I no longer felt able to just eat everything front of me, I no longer even -wanted- to eat everything in front of me, because being THAT full is really unpleasant.
So we boxed up dinner and ordered dessert. Dessert was the same way--only a few bites in, and we were done. So we now have leftovers for miles, sitting in the fridge.
I feel accomplished, knowing that I didn't totally pig out and overdo it, but I also allowed myself to relax and enjoy the food, and was able to celebrate my husband's progress and accomplishments at work.
I also took the dog to a dog park yesterday. It's literally a ten minute walk from our apartment. We've lived here for 2 1/2 years and somehow we didn't know it was there. The dog had lots of fun running around freely, chasing the ball and sniffing other dogs. It was also nice to get some sunshine and exercise in, especially before it gets too cold out.
Two good things to end a difficult week. Now I'm going to snuggle up with the dog and a good book, and a few hours from now I'll enjoy some leftovers for dinner. :)
Thursday, October 09, 2014
I am still sick. For a few days I was actually getting better. Little by little, feeling like a normal person. I never regained my energy but I could feel the antibiotics doing their job and all the probiotics in the yogurt did their job. The slew of medications I was suddenly forced to take each day actually seemed to be working, and I had begun to hope I would soon be back to health. Fully functional. BETTER.
And then I got horribly sick again. Of course, it was on a day I had to teach. The things we endure for our students... because I truly do love them. And I prayed fervently that I could be spared from sickness just for the time I spent with those kids, so they wouldn't be forced to endure my impatience (because I'm still sick) or my fatigue (because I'm still sick) or my disinterest (because I'm still sick.) And miraculously, for the time I was teaching I felt I was at 75%, a perfectly acceptable level for teaching under such stress. They had fun. We laughed and joked.
But the moment they were gone I spent the rest of my evening running to the bathroom.
At this point I am not just frustrated. I am terrified. I have done everything I'm supposed to. I ignored the initial symptoms, because my doctor said it might take a month for my body to adjust to the medications. It's been almost 2 months. I've faithfully continued to take all my medicine and track all my food, even when I've had to forsake vegetables because they make my body reject all forms of nutrition. I track all of that stupid low-sodium soup and that whole grain bread because it's the only thing I can actually digest. (Also, lots of unsweetened applesauce, which tastes really awesome but smells like baby food.)
I'm just feeling really scared, because I've done everything right but something is still wrong. And if I manage to get back to the doctor sooner than my pre-scheduled appointment, it's just going to be more time-consuming tests and waiting for answers and I am so... so... exhausted.
Some days, this journey is about treating my body well and aiming to lose weight in the process. But right now, something is desperately broken, and needs to be fixed.
I covet your prayers, and (if you're not a praying person) your good thoughts and words of encouragement. Couldn't do this without all the great support I find at SP. :)
Monday, October 06, 2014
For the first time in my life I have something to be truly motivated about. You see, I actually don't care that much about being overweight, at least on the surface. I am quite happy being a plus-sized woman, because it's never kept me from really enjoying my life. All of the things I love doing are still doable, and pleasant. But what I want--what I REALLY want--is not possible because of my weight.
It's hard to explain that I'm not in this for me. I mean, yeah, it would be "nice" to be thinner. But it's not part of my identity. I do not struggle feeling loved or wanted or known just because of my weight. I have never had a single health problem (until now) caused by being overweight. Other problems are caused by other things. High blood pressure is caused by stress, or by eating crappy food. But I've been overweight my whole life, and didn't start eating "crappy" food until I got married and didn't have time for good food. (Yes, I can tell you with 100% honesty, that fast food was not part of my life until I turned 20.)
I'm in it for the children I'd like to have, and can't. I'm in it because I can't get pregnant and my doctor hopes that losing weight will allow that to happen.
It's a little awkward to talk about. But it's what motivates me. I am not motivated by superficial things--like new clothes, or a "bikini body." I'm motivated by motherhood.
And so when somebody brings cupcakes to the office and I pick one up and the homemade chocolate frosting smells SOooooo good and I start to take it back to my desk... I ask myself a question. I stare at the food in my hand and say, "Do you want a cupcake, or do you want a baby?"
Because only a fool would say, "I want a cupcake." It sound ludicrous. The question is a little dramatic, yes. I mean, it's just a cupcake, right? But it's more than just a cupcake. It's a question of how I want to live my life. Because I know that one cupcake on one day doesn't turn the tables, and that one cupcake won't make me infertile forever, and that one cupcake doesn't determine who I am. But that one cupcake could cause a dozen more bad decisions that day. I could think, "Well, I ate that cupcake, so my whole diet's gone off now. I might as well have a whole bunch of pasta for dinner, because it doesn't matter anymore."
But it does matter. Every decision matters.
However, this method of motivation can be stressful, especially if the grocery budget is low and I can't go out and buy the things I "should" eat. It's easier, sometimes, to make do with the boxed pastas in the cupboard because they're quick and accessible. It can be stressful when I am working long hours and therefore extra hungry as the day grows late, and I don't have any calories to spare.
This is why I take a break from tracking food on the weekends. It means for two whole days a week I don't have to worry about how much I'm eating, or what I'm eating. I can cater to my cravings (a real stress-reliever) and stop when I'm full, and not have to worry if I got enough protein or enough carbs. (I'm seriously low on carbs every other day.) It means that for two days... food isn't the most important thing on my mind. It's just food. It gets exhausting, thinking about it that much.
So... back to work now. My student hasn't showed up yet so I may spend the next half hour doing nothing. Yay?
Saturday, October 04, 2014
I'm just going to admit it... this was not a great week. Parts of it were quite bad.
Now, people that know me, know that unsolicited advice is a quick way to piss me off. So if I say I had a bad week, just let me have my feelings. Don't give me advice. Don't put a "silver lining" on me. I don't need your silver lining. I WILL be okay without it.
My bad week had nothing to do with food, or sleep, or exercise.
My body is still sick. I am constantly aware of this. This also has nothing to do with food (yay!) but can't be solved with food either (boo.)
I did get to buy a new pillow this week. My sleeping space is very important to me, you see. I don't have the money for fancy sheets or a sleep-number bed. But we have a really REALLY nice mattress (a friend gave it to us. he was going to get married, bought a mattress, then didn't get married.... yeah.) I also have these lovely paper lanterns I spent all summer making, and they hang over the bed. It's very soothing. I figure, you spend 1/3 of your life asleep. It should be a pleasant experience. It should be truly restful. A new pillow (for $9!!) is part of that process.
I also got to go to that stupid party, but had car trouble, and my friend misunderstood when I explained the car trouble, and so for about 45 minutes I actually expected to spend my night in the parking lot of a Salvation Army, shivering and cold, reading a book by myself. And then AT the party, another friend of mine got "people-ed out" and so we went shopping. (That's when I bought the pillow, haha)
Today I get to spend some much-needed alone time--the first I've had ALL WEEK. I did a little editing work, ate salmon for lunch, forced down some stupid yogurt, and watched some Netflix. I'm enjoying the quiet so much I actually want to just go back to bed. Yes, my new pillow is THAT comfy. :)
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