Friday, August 15, 2014
It is no secret that I am fighting the food. I have always known that one of the reasons I have so much trouble is that, given different circumstances, like that I could eat as much as I wanted to and still weigh 150 pounds, I would eat as much as I wanted to.
But, that is the problem, I don't live in that reality. I am very resistant to making the changes that need to be made.
I have been going to a psychologist for some time, and trying to work my way into changing that attitude. I am afraid that the last 4 years of pain and surgery, and lots of failure in the eating department have shoved me back to where I was 7 years ago before I made the changes that helped me to lose 70 pounds.
I have now started hypnosis. Today was my third session. The first two sessions made me feel better for a few days, and then I reverted again.
Today, as we tried to go deeper, and get to the reasons for the resistance, my subconscious mind resisted under hypnosis.
She was trying to tell my "now" subconscious mind to delve into the "then" subconscious, where this behavior began and the reasons, My mind pretty much was just confused, and kind of blank.
Obviously my resistance is extremely strong.
It is frustrating, and somewhat depressing, but really isn't something I did not know about myself. I know I am stubborn, but was surprised to find how deeply stubborn I am.
I have a cd to play now, so will be doing that at least once or twice a day, but this is going to be a struggle. Saw my psychologist after, and we had a conversation about the results.
Boy, I am brat. I always define that angry and stubborn part of me as the 8 year old girl who first realized that my size was just not the "right" size.
I think she takes on all of my anger. The anger at the people who made me feel as though I was not good enough when I was 8 years old, the anger at all of the people who would tell me I was too fat, the anger at all of the people who would tell me I couldn't eat this, or I couldn't eat that, that I shouldn't eat this or that. That I should be on this "diet", and that I should not eat carbs, and only eat protein and fat, or that I should not eat fat, or carbs. That I should never eat sugar. On and on ad nauseum.
I am angry at all of those people, but it has become so that I am most angry at me. I eat because no one can tell me what to do, and then I eat to punish myself for doing all of the things that I have been told not to do.
Boy, this is not an easy fight.
It sounds so simple. Eat less, exercise more. Sounds simple, but that does not count on all of my crap.
I will continue on, and keep working to help myself, basically because I am very tired of the alternative.
God Please help me get back to where I was before these last few years, to where I was when I had lost 70 pounds, and then help me continue to love me more than I want to hate me.
When i was young, and a hippie, I would have said, "Heavy, dude". I guess that about covers it.
Friday, July 18, 2014
I am pretty depressed right now.
Have had an infection in my body, and I don't think that is helping.
Have not been able to decide when I am doing too much, it does not bother me when I am doing it, but then I am very tired, sore and having pain for a week after.
Taking antibiotics, so the infection should go away. But what to do about the infection in my attitude?
It is not doing well.
I hurt, and it is really wearing me down.
I know it will all get better, but I need it to be sooner rather than later.
Tomorrow is a new day. When it becomes today, I will be better.
Prayers for feeling better.
Friday, July 11, 2014
I am sitting here knowing that I have done something else right. Now, I just have to realize what it is.
Because I am having such a hard time with food, I need to figure out what other bad habits I have gotten rid or, or what good habit that I have established.
Thinking, thinking, thinking. hummm.
I drink generally about 11 to 12 glasses of water every day. That is a GOOD habit. Nothing else actually quenches my thirst.
That should count as a good habit.
I am more active, and generally exercise at least several times a week. That is a good habit.
Let me think some more.
I am working very hard each day to love myself. I told my cousin this morning, who also has a weight issue, "If I could love me as much as I love and respect you, and if you could love you as much as you love and respect me, we would both be better off."
I guess that counts as some kind of insight.
I made a comment on a blog last weekend when I had 3 parties, that said, "I ate too much, and no one but me loved me any less for it".
I think that so much of my problem is that I don't always feel good about my body, and my eating, and I define myself by body and weight.
Boy, is that ever a hard one to get over.
I am sending myself some positive messages, but honestly, it is really difficult for me to tell myself that I am fine just the way I am, and that I love me just the way I am.
Too many years of hating my fat body.
I pretty much never eat donuts anymore. Generally I just don't want them. So, that is good.
But, I still love so many other sweet things, it is difficult to conquer them all one at a time.
This is why I need to find a way to just love and accept my body for all of the good things that it does for me.
My back and my knees work a lot better, and I can do a lot more. That is a good thing.
I am learning to live "one day at a time", and I am doing so much better at letting things go. Having faith, and allowing myself to relax about life more.
I have to say, that I have done more than one thing right.
I guess that makes this a good day, one day at a time
Thursday, July 10, 2014
I am having a really hard time with food. I am eating too much.
But, as I was doing my daily goals, I recognized that I was almost never drinking any soda. I am not saying I can't have it, I am just automatically not ordering it or drinking it. It has stopped tasting so good to me. I think about it, and I think, I don't want to drink that, it is just too sweet.
So, it seems, I have conquered one of my biggest bad habits. I have been working on it for the last 7 years, but by not pressuring myself about not drinking it, not saying I can not have it, I have conquered a bad habit that almost seemed impossible to stop.
I haven't been drinking it very much over the last several months, but I love that I don't really want it.
If I want it, I will have it, but I doubt that I would enjoy it, so I am not very motivated to drink coke anymore.
I am glad that I realized that I have conquered what once was a very big deal. It is giving me hope, that I will conquer some of the rest of the bad habits if I just keep it up.
As I am writing this, I am also realizing that I hardly ever eat cheese. Not that I don't eat it on something or in something, but I used to just sit down with a sleeve of crackers and a chunk of cheese, and eat. I had forgotten that.
So, I guess that I have conquered two bad habits.
Ok, about 199 more to go, but that does give me hope, especially right now when I am having such trouble.
One day at a time, one day at a time.
Thursday, June 26, 2014
I have no commitments this week, and I am so enjoying that.
I know that when I exercise regularly, that I eat better, think better, feel better both physically and emotionally.
That is what I have been concentrating on this week. Building up my stamina, and making myself feel really good.
I am going on a cruise at the end of August, so I want to really build my stamina for walking. I also want to strengthen and stretch my knees.
This morning I rode my exercise bike, 6.5 miles in 32.5 minutes. Then I went for a walk this afternoon for 30 minutes. The walking is where I really need the stamina. I am pretty out of shape from not being able to do much of anything for the last few years, and from recovering from 3 major surgeries.
Being able to do so much more is making the surgeries so worth while.
I will be 65 years old in Sept, my goal for that month is to walk the mile in the Race for the Cure. If I can build myself up even more, I will walk the 5K.
I know I have a long way to go, but I am feeling so much more positive these days.
Thank God for Spark People and all it gives me.
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