Thursday, June 26, 2014
I have no commitments this week, and I am so enjoying that.
I know that when I exercise regularly, that I eat better, think better, feel better both physically and emotionally.
That is what I have been concentrating on this week. Building up my stamina, and making myself feel really good.
I am going on a cruise at the end of August, so I want to really build my stamina for walking. I also want to strengthen and stretch my knees.
This morning I rode my exercise bike, 6.5 miles in 32.5 minutes. Then I went for a walk this afternoon for 30 minutes. The walking is where I really need the stamina. I am pretty out of shape from not being able to do much of anything for the last few years, and from recovering from 3 major surgeries.
Being able to do so much more is making the surgeries so worth while.
I will be 65 years old in Sept, my goal for that month is to walk the mile in the Race for the Cure. If I can build myself up even more, I will walk the 5K.
I know I have a long way to go, but I am feeling so much more positive these days.
Thank God for Spark People and all it gives me.
Saturday, June 21, 2014
Went to a party for those of us who volunteer at the Community Theater I have been with for over 20 years.
Each year, they honor those of us who do not get the applause as the actors, but who work backstage, tech work, usher, take tickets, etc.
It is a very nice tradition.
I had a really wonderful time with people who I love, and who love me too.
I posted on one of my thread about the party, and I said that I had a great time, ate reasonably, and enjoyed myself greatly. I also said that I ate too many M&Ms. Then, I said, surprising even me, that no one loved me any less for that.
That was kind of a "gotcha" moment for me. I didn't think about it, I just said it. Then I thought about it. Who is it that loves me less if I eat too much? ME, no one else, just me. If the people who care about me, don't love me less because I have eaten a bit too much, why the heck should I?
I have not gone into shame and ugly mode. I just had fun.
Boy, do I feel better about that!
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
I have been working to get back to basics, replacing negative messages with positive ones, forgiving myself for the "mistakes" I have made, and loving me as I would someone else that I really care about.
Progress, not perfection.
I am doing better.
I am eating reasonably, having a treat if I want one, but not a binge, getting some exercise each day, but not putting a lot of pressure on myself, so that if I am not doing just what I "think" I should be doing, I am not disappointed in myself.
Every day, I am feeling more positive, and able to accomplish my goals.
I NEED this. I need to love myself, I need to NOT chastise myself, I need to feel good about me and how I am approaching my goals.
There have been tough times, but today, the only day that I have, I feel good.
Saturday, June 14, 2014
Last night, I was going through my yearbooks from junior high and high school. We are planning a reunion, and I was trying to brush up on pictures and names so I would be able to recognize everyone better.
I will preface this next information by saying that I grew very fast when I was young. I was 5'7" tall in the 6th grade. I also developed breast when I was 8 years old. All of my friends were about 5'1" tall, and weighed about 90 pounds. I weighed around 125 pounds.
But, looking at the other girls, and the comments from the boys, I always thought I was fat. When I look back at pictures of myself at that age, I had a beautiful figure, for an 18 year old. I had about a 36 inch bust, 24 inch waist, and 38 inch hips. I was really beautifully shaped. Guess that shows what your "self image" can do for and to you.
While I was reading the comments from the other students in my 7th grade yearbook, more than one person commented on my being, big, fat, pig, etc. I always knew I felt that way, and that the others thought that, but had forgotten how very cruel they were in their own 13 year old way.
Now, I understand that kids are just that way. It hurts me to see my kids suffer from some of the same stuff, maybe just for a different reason. I do my best to help them through it.
But, it really rocked me to see those comments at age 64 almost 65.
I remember that I thought I was fat as far back as 8 years old. But, to realize that children actually WROTE that down in my yearbook has me just amazed.
I know there were other factors in my weight issues, but these were the first.
Because I always felt "less than", I believed all of those comments. Then, as the societal norms came along and told me I was "less than" and "too much", I continued down the road of self soothing with food.
Remember, I was young when "Twiggy" was the newest of the new. The big eyed tiny waif was a model, so she had to be beautiful. I would never be that sort of beautiful, but at the time, I thought that was the only beautiful there was.
I have always felt for the 8 year old girl in me, but have never recognized that the 12 and 13 year old girl had even more crap building on the original base of pain.
Thinking I was fat became a self fulfilling prophecy. Such a shame that for all of these years, I have abused my body with food, and built more pain.
I can't change what has happened. It was a jolt to be reminded of those old days in such a way, but this is today. I can only deal with today.
I am seeing a psychologist, writing blogs, working on my own self esteem, and trying to accept the self I am now and to recognize the good in me.
I can do what I can do, and that is exactly what I intend to do. I will do the best I can with each day. I will learn to love those young girls in me, and soothe them as best I can with out food, but with forgiveness and kindness.
This life is a journey, but sometimes, you must look back, and redirect your steps.
With the Spark People resources, and the solid support system I have built here, I can heal myself.
Saturday, June 07, 2014
I have lost about 4 pounds this week, but that is not the real progress. The real goal of all of this Nutrisystem food was for me to get back to making better choices.
I have done that this week. I am very happy for that reason.
I have gotten a lot of exercise this week walking with the kids for 3 days, and yesterday working on the pool and climbing up and down the stairs from the deck.
Today, however, was another MILESTONE for me. I went to the Old West End Festival, that is the historic district in Toledo, Ohio where I live. The reason it is a big deal, is because last year when I went, I had to take my chair and sit in the booth with my friend Debbie while she was selling her crafts. I could only walk a little bit and I really hurt.
Today, I came home sore and tired, but filled with joy for the progress I have made physically in the last 5 or 6 months.
My knees are still healing, but they are stronger and stronger every day that I push myself to get more exercise.
I am very pleased with my progress, and for me, that is what it is all about, Progress, not Perfection.
I am thanking God for the opportunity I have been given for my body to be rebuilt and functional again.
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