Thursday, September 22, 2011
Today started out on a fairly positive note. I woke up feeling so good about it being Day 4 and that I had gotten this far. (I usually last 1/2 day). I had a talk with DH about my weight, his BP and his kidney stones, and how much it would help me if we stopped bringing chocolate/candy into the house. I am not saying we can never have it...I just don't want it in the house because for me that equals eating it and getting out of control. He agreed with mild enthusiasm. I have a feeling I will have to remind him a couple of times about our agreement. But in general it was a good talk and we also discussed the need for more exercise. I won't say he is totally on board but he is willing to talk about it and consider it so that is a victory in itself.
Then I went to go get ready for work. My heart sank as I looked at my closet and realized that 85% of it is too small now. Even the "big" clothes I bought are starting to get tight. To be real honest, I only have one pair of pants left that are truly comfortable and they get worn a LOT. So I put on the comfy pants because I just couldn't stand the thought of a snug waistband all day. Picked out a shirt that sorta kinda matched and some earrings. When I looked at myself in the mirror all I saw was fat, dumpy, lumpy, dowdy middled aged woman. You know...the ones that look like they have given up. I wanted to cry. I got my black sweater and threw it over me for camoflage but that didn't help matters much. I found myself thinking "What is the use, why try?". Then I remembered DH though and I realized that giving up on me would also be giving up for him too. (If I am not eating healthy and exercising you can bet he isn't!). That was all I needed to get my mind back in a semi positive frame. I know we are supposed to be doing this for ourselves, not for others...but at this point, I will take whatever motivation keeps me on target. I have had a hard year. My mom passed away unexpectedly in February and my youngest daughter is estranged from me. It felt like I was eating to make up for the losses but of course food can never fill that hole.
Ok, I am going to end on a positive note, tonight DH and I are going to the local vineyard and I already have the wine and wood fired pizza figured into my daily tracker. What more can I ask for? Life is still good...just hard and crusty around the edges.