FORHISGLORY22   3,124
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This time not for you, just for me.

Monday, March 25, 2013

I have low self-esteem.
It probably has something to do with how my mom moved to Florida when I was 14.
I feel like this is the biggest reason why I have gained a whopping 80 pounds between then and now.
I am 23 years old and I have never been more unhappy with my body.
This is the time where I should be having the time of my life. Bonding with friends and dating.
Dating.
I have never dated. I am scared.
And I don't feel good about myself.
I dont feel like anyone would want me.
And when I get motivated to lose weight it is normally because I want to show people that I a hard working person or because I want to be accepted by them. Or because I dont believe that the guy would like me if I don't lose weight.
Tonight I have decided that I need to do this for me. I can't get depressed about these situations I face and indulge in junk.
I can't do this for anyone else but me.
If people don't accept me at my worst they don't deserve me at my best.
I need to do this for me. I need to take care of myself the way I would want to take care of someone.
This is important. This is my life.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CRAFTINWIFE 3/26/2013 4:05PM

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BAILEYC87 3/25/2013 8:00PM

    You are a smart lady. I kind of figured that out by realizing what my favorite part of getting healthy was: It wasn't the comments from other people ("You look great!" "Have you lost weight?"); it was the feeling I get after a work-out...just sitting there, thinking to myself, "damn, you are one badass woman," that makes it ALL worth it! Knowing your own self-worth is invaluable.

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SPARKLINGHOPE 3/25/2013 8:03AM

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BIGBEAROHYEAH 3/25/2013 4:59AM

    wow you cracked it! you figured out something most people do not good for you! do it for your self! Once you love your self your ready for others! IT will happen. Love your self at any size your are! lose weight for your health not for the other stuf. This took me a while to figure out

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GHOSTFLAMES 3/25/2013 4:38AM

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KLMEIRING 3/25/2013 4:09AM

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253.5

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

This is the heaviest I have weighed in my entire life. I have reached a point where I am not only ready for change but I realize with my entire heart and soul that I NEED change. I will not be able to handle it if I creep up to 260 and onward.
I am young. I am 22 years old. And I feel like for the past 8 years that I have been overweight I have just been waiting for my life to start. My real life.
Where I can be the truest realest me.
I have so much knowledge on weight loss and maintaining a healthy weight and it is time for me to practice what I know and learn how to give up my unhealthy food addiction and emotional eating disorder.
On Saturday I binged. I had probably 5 or 6 homemade peanut butter balls along with a cinnamon danish or two.
After feeling like a fat cow at a friend's house I went home, stuffed and feeling miserable about myself.
I would start eating healthy for real tomorrow.
But how could I do that with the rest of the danishes in the house?
I would have to get rid of them.
I didn't want to throw them away.
So I ate them, one by one. Not slowly either.
I microwaved the first three because they tasted better that way.
When I got to the last one I didn't even bother microwaving it. I wasn't eating to enjoy it anymore. I knew what I was doing. I swallowed the first half of it but the first bite of the 2nd half went in the garbage. I ran to the bathroom and stuck my finger down my throat. It took a minute but it came up.
The danishes, and the peanut butter balls and probably whatever else I ate that day.
I was shaking. It wasn't the first time I had made myself throw up but it was the first time in awhile. And I still wasn't used to the after feeling.
I felt guilty and wanted to tell my best friend.
But I just got ready for my trip to church the next day and before I went to bed I had two packages of crackers and a frozen meal.
Because I was hungry.

The next day I started off breakfast well like I normally do. I had some greek yogurt and a banana. I put an apple in my backpack for later. I passed all the fast food restaurants, will-power surging through my bones, determined to not screw up again.
The sermon was about what our idols are.
It listed many questions.
What is controlling me?
What do I love the most?
What do I enjoy the most?
What do I spend most of my time doing?
Where does my mind drift when I don't have anything to do?
What am I passionate about?
What do I spend my money on?
What makes me angry when I don't get it?
What do I feel depressed without?
What do I fear losing the most?

I thought about the questions. Trying to match other situations in my life to the questions.
And the hit me.
Food.
It's always been food.
From the time I was a little kid.
I've always used food as a reward or something to look forward to.
It's supposed to be simply nourishment, to keep me alive and moving my life.
But it has become the bane of my existence.
My unhealthy obsession with food is silently killing me each day.
It's ruining not only my health but my self-esteem and my will to live my life.
The difference between all those other times and this time is I told my Dad. About the puking. And I told my best friend Pat. And Whitney, and my dear frother, Aunt Mare.
I re-confessed the puking to Adair and Laila. They knew about it when it first started.
Almost everyone that I am close to knows this struggle that I have now.
My problem with this sometimes is that I want to rebel when people tell me what to do. I will eat in secret or eat a piece of cake just to trump the nagging voices.
I can do what I want.
That is something that has been instilled in my head since I was 14.
When I chose to stay with my Dad when my mom moved to Florida.
I pretty much raised myself.
I need to learn how to accept help and accountability.
But there's something in me that just longs to do it all by myself because I have always done everything by myself.
And I want to prove them all wrong.
I want to prove the voices telling me that I can't do it, that I don't deserve to be happy or healthy wrong!
After I told Pat I realized exactly how it needs to be.
It's like when you're rock climbing.
YOU have to do the work.
YOU have to find the right rock to put your feet on.
YOU have to reach the top.
The person belaying for you is there to keep you from falling to your death.
That is what I need.
I need to be allowed to do it on my own but have support just in case I miss a step.

Today I already missed a step. I started the morning with oatmeal with fruit and nuts.
But once lunch time reared it's ugly head I had to make the kids I watch some peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. They also had chips and cookies for dessert.
I had two handfuls of bbq chips.
Two homemade sugar cookies.
And a piece of cake.
It's just discouraging because I always do things that I don't want to do.
I know that I will be upset with myself later, yet I want those foods. The sugar, the junk.
Because I associate it with good times.
I use it to make me feel better.
And let me tell you I have never felt worse than after I binge.
So I try to fix it with what is making me feel so bad.
I need to find other ways to fix it.
Writing, reading, Worship, Walking, Drawing, Pinterest, sunsets, nature, the zoo, red pandas, friends.
God.
God needs to be the center.
He needs to be the center of my entire life.
In the middle of it all.
I need to stop giving into the flesh and live my life for God.
Satan wants me to stay right where I am.
He wants me to feel terrible about myself.
He wants me to have a low self-esteem so I won't live the the life God planned for me.
He wants to kill me.
My biggest enemy wants to take my life.
But I am not giving up.
And I am not letting the discouraging words of others get to me anymore. I am not letting His filthy dirty lies permeate my brain.
I have worth.
I have purpose.
And God has a plan for my life.
I am ready to start treating myself better.
I am ready to treat my body as the temple of the holy spirit.
I am ready to let go of the past.
I am ready to stop stuffing my emotions with sugar and wheat.
I am ready to let go.
I AM NOT GIVING UP!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CRAFTINWIFE 10/30/2012 7:02PM

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BASKETLADY13 10/30/2012 8:32AM

    Keep the faith and keep going.

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Yesterday

Friday, December 30, 2011

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Bah. Yesterday I ate way too much. I can't even tell you how much. I just know that today I am more determined than ever to not do that again. I want to feel good about myself. And I know that when I eat healthy I feel better all around.
Emotionally I feel a lot better than my last post. I didnt realize how dark that was until I re-read it. I just needed to get it out..That was the most honest I think I have been in a long while.
Sigh. That's just the only way to describe how I feel.

  


much needed rant.

Monday, December 19, 2011


I hate life sometimes. I know thatís not how I am supposed to feel but itís true. It seems like I am always miserable. Even when Iím happy I am miserable.
I donít know where I am going. I donít know what I am doing. Im thinking about what Ive lost. Im thinking about what I could lose. I feel like a failure. I feel fat. I am fat. I want to be good but Iím never good enough. I feel stupid. I feel not good enough. I feel like Iím going to be alone forever.
I am insecure about my hair, my teeth, my weight, my thoughts, my words, and my actions.
I miss having a best friend. I miss the way things were with Adair before she had Alex/Brandon. I miss feeling like me and Pat were best friends and thinking he was a good guy. I miss times when I trusted Callie and when we actually talked.
I hate when my sisters and I are together sometimes. I feel so big next to them. And I feel left out seventy five percent of the time. I donít like Justin sometimes.
I HATE THAT I WANT TO CHANGE AND NEVER DO
I HATE THAT I HAVE GAINED ALMOST 80 POUNDS SINCE 2004!!!!!!!!!!
I HATE THAT I JOINED A GYM AND GAAAAAIIIIIIIINNNNEEEDDD WEIGHT!
I HATE THAT I FEEL SELF CONCIOUS 99% of THE TIME WHEN I AM WITH PEOPLE!
I HATE THAT I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I AM DOING WITH MY LIFE
I HATE THAT I CANT GET INVOLVED IN THE CHURCH
I HATE THAT THE THING THAT HAPPENED WITH VCC STILL HURTS IN MY STOMACH WHEN I THINK ABOUT IT
I HATE THAT I CANT FORGIVE CALLIE OR PAT OR VCC OR HONOR ACADEMY OR MY MOTHER OR MY FATHER
I HATE THAT I ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYYYS FAIL!
I hate that I wasnít a good enough cat mom to Kenny and now hes not mine anymore
I hate that I hate so much
I hate that I can see myself living alone for the rest of my life.
I hate that I want a husband and kids.
I hate that my dad always sees me as a failure before I even fail.
I hate that I looked up to Christy so much
I hate what Pam did to me
I hate what Pastor Kerry did to his family
I hate what my mom did to us
I hate thinking
I hate longing
I hate wanting
I hate myself

((Update: 10/30/12
I was in a very dark place at the time that I wrote this. I think it was my low point in my life. Although my physical appearance hasn't changed much since that day in December, so much has changed in my emotional and spiritual life. I have dealt with a lot this year. I feel like that progress will assist me in my journey to healthy eating. I want to love my physical self as much as love my inner self.
Still working. Still praying. Still learning. ))

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FORHISGLORY22 12/30/2011 12:05PM

    Thank you. That brought tears to my eyes. I feel a lot better since then..But I still feel fragile. And its weird cause I don't like feeling so fragile. And I know God is good. I just am so tired..but thanks for the prayers and the words. I'm sorry. I just had to get that out.

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SKINNY1DAY 12/19/2011 11:49AM

    I will be praying for you and that you will learn to forgive not only others but yourself. you are very critical of yourself and that can be very damaging to your self esteem. you really need to learn to love yourself!

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LISADAWN1312 12/19/2011 11:49AM

    I am not sure what to say other than I am praying for you. I pray that you feel the peace that passes all understanding. I pray that you feel the love and comfort that comes without question or reservation form the Father. I pray that you see that He loves you and that He has deemed you WORTHY. I don't know what you are going through, but I do not know that so long as you accept the Son, you are NEVER EVER alone. He is there. Reach out to Him...He will not let you down as so many people in our lives do.

I am in continued prayer for you.

Your Sister in CHRIST!

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MICHELEBROWN5 12/19/2011 11:40AM

  It is hard to forgive sometimes. But the Bible tells us to take every thought captive. You must get a handle on your thoughts before they carry you away any further. You say you can't get involved in church. You can still get in the Bible. I am praying for you.

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Weekend Trips

Monday, December 12, 2011

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So I make a lot of trips to Illinois/Wisconsin. It is what keeps me sane from my uneventful tiring life. This weekend I went to Illinois for a day and a half and gained two pounds. I was making so much progress but threw it away.
Sigh.
How do I stay on track when I am out of town?

  


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