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Wednesday, February 13, 2008

I have been away from here for over a year. I didn't realize it had been so long. I have had several very difficult life changes in this last year. Changes that have left me bereft and wanting more than life has been offering me of late. I am pissed at the universe and am absolutely sure that I want better things... can't take more pain.

I am in a relationship now... with my wife Genevieve. The relationship began strong but over the last year has shown itself to probably not be what I want. I love Gen, but she is a compulsive gambler... and no one can really be in a relationship while devoting all their time to an addiction. I also finally let go in the custody fight I have been suffering with for nearly 8 years... and have almost no contact with my sons. They are my life and my joy... and it kills me not to raise them. But the price of their lives is too much to pay for me. And one by one they have each become suicidal from this struggle they have with their father. So I let go. I hope in giving up the struggle, I have saved their lives. My mom died of cancer in October. She was 57 and I moved her in with me during her last months. I have had a really difficult year. I am lost and struggling to even want to live.

But I had a dream last night. In this dream was my best friend Lou... and I kissed him. I realized upon waking, that I have some hope and some dreams still alive within me. I also realized that I need to work on myself and finding me again. And someday... I may even approach Lou and possibly ask him out on a date lol! But I wanna be good with myself first. I need to be ok with me before I try to do anything else ya know?

So what I want is to stop screwing myself over. What I want is to give myself what I need and desperately want.

And I want to do this today.

I am just glad I have this to come back to. And I actually weigh a bit less than I did a year ago. Not much less.... but it is heartening to know that I can lose some weight.

Hugs

  


Woohoo!

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

I made it through yesterday and never did break my commitment to myself! I am soooo happy...lol and relieved! I have done just fine today so far too although there is an emotional issue involving my kids and "the arse" currently happening. I plan to keep this commitment to myself. Let me say this though, being on SP has already helped. Its kinda like I had all the right thinking, all the right tools, but I needed a place to be heard so I didnt turn to the only constant companion I have had in my lifetime...food. So SP has given me the thing I needed most to change yet another piece of my problem with food and weight. I am so grateful. Thank you so much to everyone (and there has been a ton) who has encouraged me.

  


Grrr

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

I went to lunch with my son and now I am about to scream because I am craving something sweet. I am sure its emotional based. Things are really crazy with my kids and their dad and when I hear weird crap it really sets me off. I have not done anything I regret yet...and I think I am on the right path by just venting. Ya know, he is such an arse (my exhusband) I could just cry.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUEZNEWME 11/8/2006 10:08PM

    Hey don't fret many of us have issues with our ex's so you are not alone.

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GADIVA 11/8/2006 4:17PM

    1, 2, 3, YES!!
I am so proud that you didn't result with eating your favorite sweet because you were upset. Remember to stay focused!

You will do just fine!

GaDiva

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I seem to be getting my head together

Monday, November 06, 2006

I have been really learning about eating, exercise, and how it all can work for me in my life. I have been working hard on this for about a year and as time has passed I have done better and better. The last week or two I have finally really seemed to have come around. I am thrilled that I am feeling so much better and eating "normally". It makes me feel good to see how much I have been able to change things for myself and learn a new way of living.

One of the things I have learned that I love is dancing. I have been out dancing a couple times the past few months and plan to do it more regularly now. I am really hoping to find someone to partner up with who seriously wants to dance regularly for fun and exercise. I havent found anyone yet but I do go out with my friends every other Saturday and get quite a bit of time dancing.

I hope that I am able to do this...I think I am going to be successful this time and really dont know why I think it so strongly. I feel as if I have changed a lot on the inside and am able to give myself what I need for the first time in my life.

I really dont want to look and feel like this the rest of my life. Gosh I hope I am successful!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

*LISAKAY* 11/6/2006 10:35PM

    You know the old saying about the power of positive thinking. You're off to a great start. Your mind is the first thing that needs to change in order to become the person you want to be. Point your mind in the right direction and your body will naturally follow.

Way to go on all that dancing. I love turning on music at home and dancing around with my 7 year old daughter. Although, she always outlasts me! LOL

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