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Christmas Presents - Be Careful What You Wish For!!!

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose
over his fireplace before Christmas.

He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because
every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed,
his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true.
I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't
sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.
If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse
yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?"
"You're kidding me!" " Who would buy that?"

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a
passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different
models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do
things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable
Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale.
To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning
hours, long after Santa had come and gone. I filled the dangling pantyhose
with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what
remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a
couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house
and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog
confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark
some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so
the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the
traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
"What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several
candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?"
Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying
to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't
she have any teeth?"

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no
one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny,
Hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and
said," Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's
friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to
Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting.

It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.


The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died,
who was dying, and who should die, when suddenly Louise made a
noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning.
Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell
in a heap in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and
Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet
his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and
sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to
decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had
suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks
to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies.

I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WINE4GIRL 12/21/2012 6:51AM

    emoticon Way too funny!

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KAYDE53 12/19/2012 11:10PM

    emoticon emoticon

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MILLISMA 12/19/2012 9:29PM

    I can't stop laughing and I can picture the whole thing!!!!!

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GOOZLEBEAR 12/19/2012 8:37PM

    I needed this chuckle tonight!!!! emoticon

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TIME4COFFEE 12/19/2012 3:45PM

    It's so nice Louise found a career as a true AIRHEAD in bachelor party movies.

emoticon

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LJOYCE55 12/19/2012 10:51AM

  OK, I have to know. How does one clean cranberry sauce out of one's nose and sinus cavities? So funny, thank you. emoticon

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THINRONNA 12/19/2012 9:41AM

    Thank you for a good laugh and some great imagery!

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KATHRYNLP 12/19/2012 9:29AM

    OMG!!! Just imagine that Christmas Day! That will be the talk of Christmas for years to come. Thanks for the belly laughs, Jules! emoticon emoticon

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LEW0213 12/19/2012 9:12AM

    It is so hard to type when you're laughing but I'm giving it a try. This was hysterical, Jules. Thank you so much for start my day with laughter. Love you!!

Linda

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SUGARBABY60 12/19/2012 6:53AM

    Leave it to you jewels! Outrageously funny....don't you just love family get to gathers ? emoticon

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GARDENCHRIS 12/19/2012 6:45AM

    how funny! sound like something my son would do! LOLOL emoticon

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SHIRLANGEL 12/19/2012 4:24AM

    Oh my gosh! This is hard to not laugh at out loud while reading. Fortunately I didn't wake hubby. emoticon emoticon

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PAMNANGEL 12/19/2012 3:01AM

    emoticon emoticon

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The 12 Aussie Days of Christmas

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

It has been said that in six days God made Heaven and Earth
and on the seventh day he had some fun and created the Australian animals and birds.

On the twelve days of Christmas
My true love sent to me

Twelve parrots prattling


Eleven numbats nagging


Ten lizards leaping


Nine wombats working


Eight possums playing


Seven koalas climbing


Six platypuses


Five Kangaroos


Four kookaburras


Three jabirus


Two pink galahs


And an emu up a gum tree


  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HIKETOHEIGHTS 12/19/2012 10:18PM

    Awe, the emu is too cute for words

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MILLISMA 12/19/2012 9:31PM

    emoticon it's like being in Australia again!!!!

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LODESTONE 12/19/2012 9:28PM

   
Emu looks like I feel in the morning!! hahahahaha

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CATIATM 12/18/2012 5:53PM

    I love it!!!

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TIME4COFFEE 12/18/2012 1:58PM

    Adorable animals!

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SHARJOPAUL 12/18/2012 10:54AM

    Love it!!!

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LJOYCE55 12/18/2012 10:36AM

  I love this one. I never even heard of numbats before and they are so cute. Thank you for taking the time to put this together. emoticon

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KATHRYNLP 12/18/2012 9:44AM

    I loved this, Jules... great fun! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ANNCHER 12/18/2012 9:33AM

    Great picture! Thanks for sharing! Have a great day! Hugs! emoticon

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GOOZLEBEAR 12/18/2012 8:29AM

    I love these pictures of the animals native to your country, just beautiful!
Thanks for sharing Jules! emoticon emoticon

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PAMBWS 12/18/2012 8:05AM

    That's funny...I love all the 'interesting' creatures that ihhabit Australia.

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THINRONNA 12/18/2012 3:30AM

    So great! I am going to show this to my kids!

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SUGARBABY60 12/18/2012 3:26AM

    Fantastic photos so colorful and very unique animals for sure.

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12 Days of Doggy Christmas

Monday, December 17, 2012


On the twelve days of Christmas my human gave to me

A HOME AND A FAMILY

2 MEALS DAILY

3 FLUFFY BLANKETS

On the fourth day of Christmas my human gave to me

4 BALLS TO PLAY WITH

5 GOLDEN COLLARS

6 DOGGY TREATS

7 HUGS AND KISSES

8 LOVELY WALKIES

9 JUICY BONES

10 SQUEAKY TOYS

11 CRUNCHY BISCUITS

12 MORE LOVE FILLED MONTHS



Fleas Navidog emoticon emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KAYDE53 12/19/2012 11:04PM

    Love it! The baby Jesus would be running for his life if it were my dogs!

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HIKETOHEIGHTS 12/19/2012 10:17PM

    Great photo

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MILLISMA 12/19/2012 9:32PM

    Love the picture!!! Brave kitty!!!

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PAMNANGEL 12/19/2012 3:16AM

    Hohoho!

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SHARJOPAUL 12/18/2012 11:16AM

    Cute

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REMEMBER2BME 12/18/2012 8:29AM

    I love the one with the big smile making the most of it!

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SUGARBABY60 12/18/2012 12:42AM

    That THATs the way to celebrate Christmas ! emoticon

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CHERIRIDDELL 12/18/2012 12:35AM

    Loved it !

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TIME4COFFEE 12/17/2012 11:33PM

    My pups are on board!

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LJOYCE55 12/17/2012 9:03PM

  Adorable. emoticon

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NELLIEC 12/17/2012 3:15PM

    My son Jason said that the Christ child being a cat was one of God's miracles, considering that Mary was a dog.

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PAMBWS 12/17/2012 10:48AM

    Truffles loves those 12 days....

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LEW0213 12/17/2012 9:49AM

    I'm not sure I could get all of mine to sit still long enough to take a picture.
Fleas Navidog everyone!!

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KATHRYNLP 12/17/2012 9:31AM

    Well behaved, aren't they... emoticon

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OPALMOON 12/17/2012 8:57AM

    Cute!

emoticon


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TWEETYKC00 12/17/2012 5:13AM

    Love it!

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THINRONNA 12/17/2012 5:08AM

    Very cute!

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FLOWERDALEJEWEL 12/17/2012 4:54AM

    Good question!!

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NCSUE0514 12/17/2012 4:50AM

    Hmmm.
I wonder why the person who got tha photo together decided to have a cat pose as the Christ child?

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Vale Sandy Hook Elementary School

Saturday, December 15, 2012




  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LUVS2BIKE101 12/16/2012 12:17PM

    We need to look at ourselves and ask, "What can I personally do to shine my light of love?" Do not wait for groups or governments to discuss a plan. It will be too late, again!
emoticon


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PAMBWS 12/16/2012 11:09AM

    Too true.

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CATIATM 12/16/2012 9:19AM

    emoticon

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TIME4COFFEE 12/16/2012 3:32AM

    Succinct.
emoticon

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CHERIRIDDELL 12/15/2012 11:50PM

    so sad.......

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SUGARBABY60 12/15/2012 5:16PM

    This makes us appreciate our own blessings and reach out to help others in their pain . The angle photo is so right for the occasion. Thanks jewels

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HIKETOHEIGHTS 12/15/2012 4:43PM

    Me too

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ALEXSGIRL1 12/15/2012 1:56PM

    we need to fight the evil with our love emoticon

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LIBBYG7 12/15/2012 11:06AM

    Oh Jules.....

This angel is crying -- like I cried. What's wrong in the world --- why can't we fix it???

emoticon

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MARITIMER3 12/15/2012 10:18AM

    terrible tragedy - I cannot even begin to imagine what the families are going through.

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KATHRYNLP 12/15/2012 10:07AM

    Well he wanted to shock the World, and he sure did that! emoticon

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JACKIE542 12/15/2012 8:58AM

    emoticon

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WINE4GIRL 12/15/2012 8:48AM

    This is unimaginable. I am so very sad.
emoticon

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TERRIPAL1 12/15/2012 8:42AM

    I feel the same way for the families! emoticon

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GARDENCHRIS 12/15/2012 8:28AM

    How very kind of you....our hearts are with the families. emoticon

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PATTIE441 12/15/2012 7:57AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MAGGIEVAN 12/15/2012 3:56AM

    People kill people and guns just make it so easy. When are we going to learn?

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FITANDFIFTY2 12/15/2012 3:35AM

    Oh yes.. so so sad! emoticon

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THINRONNA 12/15/2012 2:38AM

    me too

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The Final Demand

Friday, December 14, 2012

This is reputed to be the text of a letter sent by an Australian farmer in response to a final tax demand:


Dear Sir

Your letter arrived this morning in an open envelope and it would have given the son and myself much pleasure had it not revived in us a melancholy reflection of what had gone before. You say you thought the account should have been settled long ago and you could not understand why it hadn't; well here are the reasons.

In 1954 I bought a sawmill on credit. In 1955 I bought a team of horses, two ponies, a timber wagon, a double barrel shotgun and two razorback pigs, all on credit. In 1956 the bloody mill was burnt to the ground leaving not a damn thing; one of my ponies died and I loaned the other to a stupid idiot who starved the poor devil to death. Then I joined the Church.

In 1957 my father died and my brother was jailed for assault. A tramp seduced my daughter and I had to pay the swine $500 to stop him becoming a relative. In 1958 one of my boys got the mumps. It spread to his nuts and he had to be castrated to save his life. Later that year while out fishing, the boat overturned drowning two of my boys - neither being the one who was castrated.

In 1959 my wife ran away with a sheep shearer and left me with twins as a souvenir.

I then had to have a housekeeper whom I married to keep down expenses. I had a hell of a job to make her pregnant, so I went to the doctor and he advised me to create some excitement at the crucial moment. That night I took my shotgun to bed with me and at the time I thought was right I fired the gun through the window. The wife crapped the bed, I ruptured myself and the next morning I found I had shot the best cow I ever had.

In 1960 someone cut the nuts off my bull. I was finished and took to drink and I didn't stop until all I had left was a pocket watch and a weak bladder. Winding the watch and running for a pee kept me busy for a while.

After a time I took heart again and bought on credit a manure spreader, a reaper and binder and another cow. Then came the floods and washed the bloody lot away.

In 1961 my wife got VD from a travelling salesman and one of my sons died from wiping his bum on an infected rabbit skin.

It surprises me very much that you say you will cause me trouble if I don't pay up. If you can think of anything I've missed out on I should like to know about it.

Trying to get money out of me is like trying to poke butter up a porcupines bum with a red hot needle, so I wish you luck in your efforts. I'm praying for a shower of possum crap to come your way and I hope the centre of it is over the bunch of mongrels in your office who sent me this final demand

Yours sincerely

Bruce Foster

emoticon emoticon emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CHERIRIDDELL 12/15/2012 11:52PM

    LOL!

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SUGARBABY60 12/15/2012 5:20PM

    OMG! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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HIKETOHEIGHTS 12/15/2012 4:45PM

    emoticon

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PATTIE441 12/15/2012 7:58AM

    You go girl! emoticon

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TIME4COFFEE 12/15/2012 1:12AM

    emoticon

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LODESTONE 12/14/2012 5:40PM

    Fa la la la la la la la la! Too funny!

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GOOZLEBEAR 12/14/2012 5:11PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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LJOYCE55 12/14/2012 4:18PM

  Thanks for the laughs. emoticon

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PAMBWS 12/14/2012 7:29AM

    emoticon

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GARDENCHRIS 12/14/2012 7:26AM

    oh yea!!!! LOLOLOL

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