Christmas Presents - Be Careful What You Wish For!!!

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose
over his fireplace before Christmas.

He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because
every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed,
his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true.
I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't
sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.
If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse
yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?"
"You're kidding me!" " Who would buy that?"

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a
passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different
models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do
things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable
Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale.
To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning
hours, long after Santa had come and gone. I filled the dangling pantyhose
with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what
remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a
couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house
and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog
confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark
some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so
the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the
traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
"What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several
candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?"
Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying
to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't
she have any teeth?"

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no
one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny,
Hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and
said," Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's
friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to
Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting.

It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.


The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died,
who was dying, and who should die, when suddenly Louise made a
noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning.
Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell
in a heap in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and
Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet
his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and
sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to
decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had
suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks
to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies.

I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.

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The 12 Aussie Days of Christmas

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

It has been said that in six days God made Heaven and Earth
and on the seventh day he had some fun and created the Australian animals and birds.

On the twelve days of Christmas
My true love sent to me

Twelve parrots prattling


Eleven numbats nagging


Ten lizards leaping


Nine wombats working


Eight possums playing


Seven koalas climbing


Six platypuses


Five Kangaroos


Four kookaburras


Three jabirus


Two pink galahs


And an emu up a gum tree

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12 Days of Doggy Christmas

Monday, December 17, 2012

On the twelve days of Christmas my human gave to me

A HOME AND A FAMILY

2 MEALS DAILY

3 FLUFFY BLANKETS

On the fourth day of Christmas my human gave to me

4 BALLS TO PLAY WITH

5 GOLDEN COLLARS

6 DOGGY TREATS

7 HUGS AND KISSES

8 LOVELY WALKIES

9 JUICY BONES

10 SQUEAKY TOYS

11 CRUNCHY BISCUITS

12 MORE LOVE FILLED MONTHS



Fleas Navidog

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Vale Sandy Hook Elementary School

Saturday, December 15, 2012

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The Final Demand

Friday, December 14, 2012

This is reputed to be the text of a letter sent by an Australian farmer in response to a final tax demand:


Dear Sir

Your letter arrived this morning in an open envelope and it would have given the son and myself much pleasure had it not revived in us a melancholy reflection of what had gone before. You say you thought the account should have been settled long ago and you could not understand why it hadn't; well here are the reasons.

In 1954 I bought a sawmill on credit. In 1955 I bought a team of horses, two ponies, a timber wagon, a double barrel shotgun and two razorback pigs, all on credit. In 1956 the bloody mill was burnt to the ground leaving not a damn thing; one of my ponies died and I loaned the other to a stupid idiot who starved the poor devil to death. Then I joined the Church.

In 1957 my father died and my brother was jailed for assault. A tramp seduced my daughter and I had to pay the swine $500 to stop him becoming a relative. In 1958 one of my boys got the mumps. It spread to his nuts and he had to be castrated to save his life. Later that year while out fishing, the boat overturned drowning two of my boys - neither being the one who was castrated.

In 1959 my wife ran away with a sheep shearer and left me with twins as a souvenir.

I then had to have a housekeeper whom I married to keep down expenses. I had a hell of a job to make her pregnant, so I went to the doctor and he advised me to create some excitement at the crucial moment. That night I took my shotgun to bed with me and at the time I thought was right I fired the gun through the window. The wife crapped the bed, I ruptured myself and the next morning I found I had shot the best cow I ever had.

In 1960 someone cut the nuts off my bull. I was finished and took to drink and I didn't stop until all I had left was a pocket watch and a weak bladder. Winding the watch and running for a pee kept me busy for a while.

After a time I took heart again and bought on credit a manure spreader, a reaper and binder and another cow. Then came the floods and washed the bloody lot away.

In 1961 my wife got VD from a travelling salesman and one of my sons died from wiping his bum on an infected rabbit skin.

It surprises me very much that you say you will cause me trouble if I don't pay up. If you can think of anything I've missed out on I should like to know about it.

Trying to get money out of me is like trying to poke butter up a porcupines bum with a red hot needle, so I wish you luck in your efforts. I'm praying for a shower of possum crap to come your way and I hope the centre of it is over the bunch of mongrels in your office who sent me this final demand

Yours sincerely

Bruce Foster

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