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Diary from the Dog and the Cat

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Dog's Diary emoticon

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Belly Rub! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Napped w/ Mommy! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Bully Stick! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Time for a Walk! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Watched TV w/ Mommy! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping w/ Mommy! My favorite thing!

Cat's Diary emoticon

Day 983 of my captivity!

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.

Idiots!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PAMBWS 12/14/2012 7:39AM

    So true...especially if you include the torment that cats do to dogs...

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SUGARBABY60 12/13/2012 1:15AM

    Accurate and Spot on!....besides being funny as HeXX! ( heck, of course!)

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KAYDE53 12/13/2012 12:16AM

    This is probably so accurate it's scary!! emoticon

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TIME4COFFEE 12/12/2012 1:01PM

    Loved it Jules!
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LJOYCE55 12/12/2012 12:30PM

  Why don't you try to get this published? Very clever.

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BABYTUXXY 12/12/2012 10:31AM

    emoticon

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JANET552 12/12/2012 10:22AM

    emoticon

I loved this!!!

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VONBLACKBIRD 12/12/2012 9:51AM

    emoticon I love this and really explains the differences so well...thanks for sharing.

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GOOZLEBEAR 12/12/2012 9:15AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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NCSUE0514 12/12/2012 7:31AM

    Oh Lordyl You KNOW the person who wrote this has had both cats and dogs!!!!

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GARDENCHRIS 12/12/2012 7:31AM

    I totally get it!!!! LOLOLOL

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THINRONNA 12/12/2012 5:45AM

    This is great!!!!! Thank you for the laugh!

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I'm Dreaming of a Green Christmas!!

Tuesday, December 11, 2012





This'll play havoc with the Christmas Carol!! emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CHERIRIDDELL 12/12/2012 1:43AM

    It is impossible to see anything white up here in the frozen North LOL!

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CATIATM 12/11/2012 9:37PM

    emoticon

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KAYDE53 12/11/2012 8:36PM

    emoticon

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WINE4GIRL 12/11/2012 8:21PM

    emoticon sparked quite the discussion on FB did't it?

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PAMBWS 12/11/2012 7:12PM

    emoticon

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LJOYCE55 12/11/2012 7:01PM

  emoticon

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TIME4COFFEE 12/11/2012 12:05PM

    emoticon Santa knows what he likes.

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GOOZLEBEAR 12/11/2012 9:42AM

    emoticon

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SHARJOPAUL 12/11/2012 9:42AM

    Cute

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KATHRYNLP 12/11/2012 9:34AM

    Good idea, though. emoticon

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OPALMOON 12/11/2012 8:19AM

    emoticon

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LASKIE2 12/11/2012 6:33AM

    How cute! emoticon

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NCSUE0514 12/11/2012 5:00AM

    Oh dear!
A coworker's wife is a grade school teacher. Her class made reindeers to send in to our cancer clinic as decorations. One of them said "Rudolph has been replaced by a GPS this year".

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THINRONNA 12/11/2012 4:23AM

    emoticon

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TCANNO 12/11/2012 3:35AM

    emoticon

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Wrapping Presents 101 for Cat Owners

Monday, December 10, 2012

1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.

2. Go to wardrobe and collect bag in which present is contained, and close door.

3. Open door and remove cat from wardrobe.

4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.

5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.

6. Go to drawer and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc.

7. Lay out present and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed.

8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit, and collect string.

9. Remove present from bag.

10. Remove cat from bag.

11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.

12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.

13. Cut the paper to size, trying to keep the cutting line straight.

14. Throw away first sheet because cat tried to chase the scissors and tore the paper.

15. Cut second sheet of paper to size by putting cat in the bag the present came out of.

16. Place present on cut-to-size paper.

17. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present, wonder why edges now don't reach, and find cat between present and paper. Remove cat and retry.

18. Place object on paper, to hold in place, while cutting transparent sticky tape.

19. Spend next 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape from cat with pair of nail scissors.

20. Seal paper down with transparent sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible.

21. Look for roll of ribbon; chase cat down hall and retrieve ribbon.

22. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.

23. Re-roll up ribbon and remove paper that is now torn, due to cat's enthusiasm in chasing ribbon end.

24. Repeat steps 12-22 until down to last sheet of paper.

25. Decide to skip steps 12-16 in order to save time and reduce risk of losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that you know is right size for sheet of paper.

26. Put present in box, and tie down with string.

27. Remove string, open box and remove cat.

28. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for lockable room.

29. Once inside room, lock door and start to re-lay out packing materials.

30. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close door and re-lock.

31. Lay out last sheet of paper. (Admittedly this is difficult in the small area of the toilet, but try your best!)

32. Seal box, wrap with paper and start repairs by very carefully sealing down tears with transparent sticky tape. Now tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst affected areas.

33. Label, then sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulating yourself on making good of a bad job.

34. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat.

35. Spend next 15 minutes looking for cat, before coming to obvious conclusion.

36. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.

37. Retrieve all discarded sheets of wrapping paper, feed cat and retire to lockable room for last attempt, making certain you are alone and the door is locked.

38. At time of handing over present, smile sweetly at receiver's face, as they try and hide their contempt at being handed such a badly wrapped present.

39. Swear to yourself that next year, you will get the store to wrap the darn thing for you.



emoticon emoticon emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUGARBABY60 12/11/2012 2:04AM

    You are always SPOT ON Jules. I love your humorit always has a touch of real life In It! emoticon

Comment edited on: 12/11/2012 2:05:12 AM

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KAYDE53 12/10/2012 11:43PM

    emoticon

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DESERTJULZ 12/10/2012 8:49PM

    Love the photo even more than the instructions!

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CODEMAULER 12/10/2012 7:50PM

    Followed FANGFACEKITTY over here, so worth the laugh; thank you!!

(And then there are the presents that the cat unwraps herself. My mother sent drug-grade catnip toys to the kitties, and they ripped open a corrugated cardboard box to get to 'em!)

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LJOYCE55 12/10/2012 5:59PM

  LOVE LOVE LOVE the picture. Thank you so much for sharing. emoticon

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TIME4COFFEE 12/10/2012 4:16PM

    Such a helpful little kitty!
emoticon emoticon

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THINRONNA 12/10/2012 2:35PM

    Thank you for the wonderful blog and a good giggle!

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KATHRYNLP 12/10/2012 9:48AM

    That's why I always rescue adult cats... emoticon

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PAMBWS 12/10/2012 9:05AM

    Way too funny...I will stick to having a dog!

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GOOZLEBEAR 12/10/2012 8:56AM

    I love this Jules, even though I don't have a cat now, I've had them in the past!!! Cute!

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GARDENCHRIS 12/10/2012 7:30AM

    Too funny!

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PCOH051610 12/10/2012 7:30AM

    While I don't actually have a cat, my best friend has six rescues so I now know what she must go through to wrap presents. Up until I read this I had no idea why she locked herself away in a small room to do all of her wrapping emoticon

We used to have a dog who would love to "help" when it came to wrapping presents...unfortunately her kind of help was much the same as the above scenario. As bad as she was at that it was nothing compared to her "unwrapping" skills which she loved! She would tear open every present she could find and many of our presents to others were delivered with little teeth marks on the corners!

You've really brightened my day with this blog!

Thanks!

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RIDLEYRIDER 12/10/2012 7:27AM

  Love it!!!!!

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FANGFACEKITTY 12/10/2012 6:50AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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RHONDA-MULKEY 12/10/2012 6:49AM

    Cute!
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MRE1956 12/10/2012 6:34AM

    Tru dat!

Just one question - would the drink referenced in item #34 be, perhaps, of the "adult" variety?

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Thank you for sharing - I really needed the laugh today!



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Holiday Advice

Sunday, December 09, 2012



I'm passing this on because it worked for me today..

To reach inner peace we should always finish things we start, and
we all could use more calm in our lives during the hectic Holiday season.

I looked around my house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a chocletz.

Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss.

An telum u luvum.

Huppi Hullidaz!!
cheeerz,,,,


  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PAMBWS 12/10/2012 9:10AM

    Hmmmmmmm....good idea, I have a bunch of things that I could finish off....

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PCOH051610 12/10/2012 7:30AM

    Hilarious!!!!

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SUGARBABY60 12/10/2012 3:50AM

    Yikes! You have shamed me into finishing things off at my house too....guess the bar is the best place to start if I am going to follow your excellent example! emoticon CHEERS!

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KAYDE53 12/10/2012 2:06AM

    emoticon

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MAXFOCUS 12/9/2012 8:43PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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OPALMOON 12/9/2012 7:13PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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DOLLFACEDX 12/9/2012 5:37PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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GOOZLEBEAR 12/9/2012 2:23PM

    You are so funny Jules!!!! emoticon emoticon

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TIME4COFFEE 12/9/2012 9:40AM

    That's a whole lot of fablus and inner piss...
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KATHRYNLP 12/9/2012 8:59AM

    Ya Nutter... too funny! emoticon emoticon

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DHARMAPHILE 12/9/2012 8:38AM

    Hilarious!

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WINE4GIRL 12/9/2012 6:38AM

    emoticon
Heck yeah!

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NCSUE0514 12/9/2012 6:13AM

    Love it!
Thanks for sharing, and enjoy the hangover, too!

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CHLOE453 12/9/2012 5:27AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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Wonder How Many Thanksgiving Dinners Ended Up Like This??

Friday, November 23, 2012



  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PCOH051610 12/10/2012 7:32AM

    I can only imagine how my turkey would turn out if I even sniffed a wine cork! emoticon

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CATIATM 12/2/2012 10:14AM

    Oh my! emoticon

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KAYDE53 11/24/2012 10:57PM

    emoticon

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SUGARBABY60 11/24/2012 7:56PM

    Hey jewels, if thats the way you cook turkeys then I' m in....I'll be at your house shortly! I'm bringing the wine! emoticon

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FANGFACEKITTY 11/24/2012 1:37PM

    emoticon
We just had our Thanksgiving dinner tonight since Thursday & Friday were regular work days for me here in France. I had 1 glass of red wine. Although I admit it was a very large 8 oz glass emoticon

The rest of our dinner was very nice and not one of those typical 4000 calorie gorge fests; I even bought some cheeses to try (I'm trying to blend in with the locals lol) emoticon emoticon

And this was after logging almost 7 miles of walking & running, plus another mile or two going through the Christmas & Farmers' Markets and grocery shopping, and cleaning up the house.

So I think I might indulge in a 2nd glass and take a nice hot bath and call it an early night.

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THINRONNA 11/24/2012 10:00AM

    Soooo very funny!!! Thank you!

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LJOYCE55 11/23/2012 9:39PM

  Thank you for sharing. Loved it.

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FUTUREHOPE49 11/23/2012 7:03PM

    emoticon emoticon Cheers

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LODESTONE 11/23/2012 6:10PM

    Our wine was shared three ways. emoticon

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JACKIE542 11/23/2012 12:57PM

    emoticon

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CHERIRIDDELL 11/23/2012 12:36PM

    I should have expected this LOL!

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MAXFOCUS 11/23/2012 12:34PM

    Hilarious. emoticon

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NEWVINE 11/23/2012 11:42AM

   
Thank you that was funny

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LJCANNON 11/23/2012 10:31AM

    emoticon Great One!!

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EUEK098 11/23/2012 9:07AM

    Oh my, that's sounds like a great way to cook, NOT!!! emoticon

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TIME4COFFEE 11/23/2012 8:49AM

    Shoot, I didn't get even one glass of wine...look at the fun I missed.

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PURPLELVR7 11/23/2012 8:40AM

    emoticon

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GOPINTOS 11/23/2012 8:38AM

    emoticon emoticon

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GOOZLEBEAR 11/23/2012 8:32AM

    Good one Jules, thanks for the chuckle!!!! emoticon

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PAMBWS 11/23/2012 8:03AM

    That sounds about right for cooking the turkey.

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LYNNA1968 11/23/2012 6:47AM

    I think I've attended a dinner like that before

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FITANDFIFTY2 11/23/2012 3:36AM

    lol...so funny!! Loved it! emoticon

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FLOWERDALEJEWEL 11/23/2012 2:07AM

   

I think they were channeling Yoda at Step 8 emoticon emoticon emoticon

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BRENDA_G50 11/23/2012 1:47AM

    That was funny!!!! I Loved it!!! emoticon

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