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Why are the things that we know we MUST do...the hardest of all the things we do?

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Josh LOVED chocolate milk...LOVED it! Here he is out to breakfast at the local Waffle House with a bunch of his friends after they all had a camp out night. He's wearing the silver marcasite cross I gave him for love and protection.

I came across this pic while researching all of the VAST material he left behind. There is everything in that massive stack, and it's exhausting to have to sift through it all. I do it because I don't want to miss a thing that's important to go in his book.

I do it because I feel the need to get the timeline right on what he wrote when. What year of school was he in..how old was he, what were his feelings at that particular time of his life, all the things that are so important in making you know and love Josh the way I knew and loved him! It's all relevant, then I can edit out parts that might need to be trimmed.

I had all of his notebooks, yearbooks, manuscripts, pictures, his wallet and his driver licenses all laid out over the entire surface of his queen size bed today. I was playing some of his favorite music at the time. I put all the information into a timeline of labeled manilla folders...so much stuff...that child had SO much to say...he lived three lifetimes in his short 22 years. I haven't even glazed the surface yet on his livejournals (an internet diary before MySpace came about). Or his MySpace posts, or his screenplays, his hundreds of poems, his computer too...is full.

I have to discipher all of these things to get into Josh's head to understand why what happened happened. Why did he make the wrong choices that he did and what propelled him to do it? This comes from my training on my first job out of high school working in the newsroom of The Des Moines Register and Tribune. I loved that job, I loved telling people's stories, and I loved probing for the facts that made the story crediable.

It would be easier just to pluck out what I remember from my head, but that would be slacking, and since it's been four years alot of important information would be forgotten, mis interpreted, or glossed over. When I read Josh's words I stay true to his character. This is what I want and need for his book, the HARD way is usually the RIGHT way.

He WAS his mother's son. He had the same start, stop, jump to another project personality that his mom does. A million irons in the fire and not the best follow through. I always chock this off to the 'creative' personality, but it might be lack of disipline.

I can tell you right now I just want to jump to another project, this one is HARD! I don't like HARD. I like EASY, BREEZY, and quick.

I'm learning that life is hard, well, I knew that, but I'm learning that disipline is a virtue.

I'm realizing that this is a project I can't walk away from, this is a challenge I MUST complete...it's not for me, and it's not even COMPLETELY for Josh, it's for the millions of kids out there that want to give up and walk away when life gets too hard. It's for the parents that want EASY BREEZY and get frustrated and stifled when parenting gets exhausting.

So yesterday I didn't get to write because I was surrounded with the din of noise and people. Not that I don't love people..I was working or socializing with them all day.

But, writing is a solitary effort, you can't be distracted by ANYTHING while your doing it. And if you DON'T do it...it just doesn't get done. They will never invent anything that can take the disipline of writing away...and I consider that a GOOD thing. You just have to face your demons and plough through them.

Today I worked on Josh's book most of the day, by myself in his bedroom. Going through his yearbooks seeing all of the gifts right there on paper...that was MY boy...MY talented beautiful boy with all he had to offer this world! This day was sad and sweet at the same time, but I did face my "I don't wanna do this"... and I did it anyway..that is progress even if it wasn't sitting in front of the computer pounding out my word count challenge. I can't tell the story if I don't feel that I've properly done my research, and that's the PART I've been avoiding all of these years. The part that forces me to sit down and face the vast abyss of guilt and saddness. Handling the very papers that Josh wrote his true essence on, the notebooks of his life.

It will get done, it's just so DARN hard! I'm doing it for me, I'm doing it for Josh, I'm doing it for all the broken hearted people in our world that keep ploughing through...one hard day at a time! emoticon emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GRAMMIE1959 9/21/2010 8:55AM

    Bobbi, Your writing is very important to you and the legacy of Josh. I have never suffered the type of loss you are dealing with daily but I trust our encouragements will see you through this most heart wrenching task you have set for yourself. I know Josh can count on you to tell his story, start to finish. It is refreshing to see that you haven't drowned in the quagmire of grief but have been able to experience the joy that is Josh.
Thank you for sharing this part of your journey with us.

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SIMPLELIFE4REAL 9/13/2010 7:54AM

    I totally agree about counting working in Josh's room creating a chronological time line as meeting your word challenge.

You blog is the second blog I have read this morning about someone working on a hard goal and continuing to work on it when the going gets tough rather than throwing in the towel and giving up.

I think our personalities are similar in the "jump from one project to the next" category. It seems I can do something for a few days, but to continue on for weeks or MONTHS is almost unheard of.

You are right that this book is important. I know you can do it!!!


PS One thing we both have stuck with is SparkPeople. Lots of people sign up and quit after a few weeks. We haven't. So we ARE capable of completing long-term projects! Yes, We Can!!!

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VICIOUS421 9/13/2010 7:08AM

    I know it is hard but I know you & you have to do it or you will always feel like you missed or forgot something important!!!!
Love & emoticon

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PROT358 9/13/2010 12:38AM

    That takes some serious courage, especially when the emotion is so raw. This is my first visit to your page, and as a fellow writer I have to say you are definitely talented. Something about the way you write makes the words leap off the page and you can't stop reading it. It is very true that you need no distractions and a lot of discipline. I wish you well on your work, and I'm sorry to hear about this sad story.

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SEATURTLE86 9/13/2010 12:28AM

    OMG! Josh looks SOOO much like you in that chocolate milk picture. I have seen a couple of his pics, but that one he looks just like you. Of course he does, he is your son! That one was so good. Such a cutie!! Thanks for sharing it. Keep on keeping on! we are behind you all the way! emoticon

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GOING-STRONG 9/12/2010 11:09PM

    I think it is human nature to want Easy Breezy. We want to see the pounds melt away without having to work, we want to see money flow in without having to work, we want effortless! Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way so plough on you must. Sending energy and good karma your way that you will find the right words to say. Hugs, Rhonda

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SUCHAHOOT 9/12/2010 10:48PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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VAMANOS 9/12/2010 10:29PM

    Sorry I haven't shown up for the last few posts...you seem to have fallen off my subscription list again. Re-subscribing and will be here for you.

emoticon You CAN do this important work. You're proving that every day. If it takes a little longer than your goal, you will still have done it.


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KSTYLEFITNESS 9/12/2010 10:28PM

    I have that same start and stop thing!! Do you know how many novels, screenplays, plays, monologues or whatever I have started them stopped? Infinite amount!! I may finish a good amont eventually, but I am the QUEEN of this. I guess you, Josh and I....and many other writers have that in common. I was feeling that way with this current novel, then I realized I was not writing like the real me, I was trying to fit a mold. Well, no more of that!

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MS.ELENI 9/12/2010 10:22PM

    You are tougher than me.I couldn't do what you are doing.

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BARBARAROSE54 9/12/2010 10:06PM


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Writing challenge done! 30,127 words on target..no wonder KStyle calls it a challenge...it IS!

Friday, September 10, 2010

emoticonI'm happy with myself on my writing challenge. I'm right on track and that is a GOOD thing. I've got Josh up to his senior year in high school. Sadly, I think that's when his problems began.

I also think that's about the time he started writing his live journals which was a very early form of MySpace, so his voice can take over for much of the point of view.

Not that I haven't heard him loud and clear through all of the work I've done thus far, he is a taskmaster, THAT one. I'll come up with some lame butt excuse to do something BEFORE I plop down to type and I just can not get him out of my head....MOM....MOM...GET IN THERE MOM...GET THIS DONE for me...you promised!

Being the good and devoted mother that I am...I have no choice. I bid his favor.

I AM worried about my friend. I called her house last night and spoke to her daughter. I asked if I could pop over to see her for a minute and was told that she was sleeping.

Today I called the house about 10 a.m. and it went to message machine. This worries me greatly. I left a message saying I was concerned and asked for a call back. I called her ex-husband at his CPA firm, got a message on his machine explaining the above and asked for a call back. So far it's 12:30 and nothing.

This is when my writer imagination runs rampant! THis is when I remember my friend asking if I could be her advocate if she needed me to be. Her daughter is very PRO traditional health care and Donna is definitely 100% skeptical of that approach fully. I'm so afraid that with the horrible pain she has been experiencing she is drugged into a submissive state and pliable to anyone's will. I'm also thinking how her ex has been paying alimony all of these years and if anyone has a reason to see an opportunity to end that obligation it would be him.

Then I berate myself for being so suspicious of her family, and realizing I'm only a friend, I'm NOT family. So the story unweaves but it scares the bejabbers out of me how such a strong, strong woman can be riddled into a soft pile of cotton in a matter of pain ridden days.

Okay, enough of that...this sounds like I'm writing a story for Dateline! I don't want that job at all!

I'll keep you posted, I hope I hear something soon! Keep those prayers flying upward!

Maybe they are at the doctors, but I thought her appointment was on Monday next week, maybe I got my dates mixed up...it's certainly happened before! Fingers crossed!

I've got to get my special order for Loop De Loo anklets going, I have a special order of 20 of them with the little cancer charm in pink. A customer is buying them for the Susan B. Komen run for she and her friends...hummmmm that's A LOT of friends don't ya think? But I'm happy for the business!

I've also got to clean this big ole' house, we are hosting the Friday night group (SATURDAY since we have to work and can't stay out to all hours tonight) to our house for hors d'ouvres then we'll all go out to eat. Twenty people is a big hostess job...I'd better get to it...my house is a mess...THAT will burn those calories big time!


Update: Settle down Bobbi, Donna was at the doctor's office with her daughter...her ex-hubby called and then Donna herself called...her voice was music to my ears! emoticon emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GOING-STRONG 9/12/2010 9:04PM

    Good job on the writing assignment and glad you were finally able to connect with Donna and get your nerves settled. That is such a relief I am sure. Also, Congrats on that 20 loop de loo order. Sounds like a very nice gift she is giving to her friends!

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MSLZZY 9/11/2010 12:23AM

    You have such a caring heart and it shows! HUGS!

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MS.ELENI 9/10/2010 6:38PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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RUBYCLAIRE 9/10/2010 6:02PM

    You know my heart goes out to you!

Writing can be a difficult enough challenge, but when you bring into it all those memory filled emotions it must be even more challenging. I have yet to start writing my "thank you" cards since my Mom's passing because the emotions just take over & then I sit and once again tell myself "TOMORROW".

ELLFIN3 has a good question, "Did your friend put in writing that she wanted you to be her advocate?"
I too can be a worry-wart so personally I would take a ride to her house in the hopes that I would NOT be turned away from a visit.

I know that you will enjoy your hostessing and then your dinner afterwards. I also know that your house will be impeccably clean!

emoticon on your anklet orders!

Big emoticon

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SUNNY332 9/10/2010 2:52PM

    Awe, Bless your Momma Heart. It has to be difficult - so many memories being stirred up. I will also say a prayer that God be with you during this time.

Love you!


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SIMPLELIFE4REAL 9/10/2010 1:30PM

    You have your work cut out for you today!

It seems like we are finding it harder and harder to keep up our streaks. I think your streak is far harder to maintain than mine (writing is more difficult than walking). Streaks serve their purpose because they get us to do things when when can think of 1,000's of other things to do instead. Let's keep them going.

You are a great friend for both your real and virtual friends! I'll keep your friend in my prayers.


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KSTYLEFITNESS 9/10/2010 1:09PM

    Challenge it indeed is! I didn't write much last night, I was busy editing, which I know I shouldn't do. The way I write is weird. I like, wrote it very fast, came up with what I thought should be the ending, and now I am filling in some blanks right now. Definitely too many story lines going on. Good thing with non-fiction, you can just tell it like it is. I have to come up with all these twists and turns to keep the reader engaged. But then, I am sure your book is as dramatic than mine! If not more because it's real. My characters live in lalaland, fairytale ending, all's right in the world. I have a feeling this is the first draft of MANY for my project. No worries, I'm still trying to get the first one out there.

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ELLFIN3 9/10/2010 1:06PM

    I am glad you have a chance to do the Loop De Loos for a cancer run!!
Did your friend ever put in writing that she wanted you to be her advocate? I am a worrier and though I am sure all is OK I would still worry!!
Enjoy your hostess chores!!! Friend are every thing after family! And sometime before family emoticon Have a fabulous Friday and weekend!!!!!!!! emoticon emoticon

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Today my writing challenge was TOUGH...but I made it! Prayers needed for my dear friend!

Thursday, September 09, 2010

emoticonWriter's write. Or at least that's the old addage. Today was a tough tough day on my challenge. And beyond that when i wrote my blog about it...it flew away into Spark heaven so this one will be much shorter. If you can't say I'm NOT persistent, you can't say anything.

I'm sleep deprived. I'm riddled with worry over my dear friend who has inoperable colon cancer. I went to see her yesterday. I've been attempting to visit for a few weeks now and she always has an excuse. My house isn't clean, I'm tired today, I just don't feel up to company. I've heard them all.

I gently reminded her that I'm NOT coming to see her house, and I surely won't stay long I just want her to know that I love her and care about her and friends see friends when they are feeling low.

She finally succumbed but only with the bribe that I'd bring her some homemade wonderful fresh organic veggie soup. Food gets us every time doesn't it? emoticon emoticon

I was shocked when I was let inside by her daughter who is over from Miami, I don't shock easily, but her house looked like something out of the t.v. program "The Hoarders"

Honestly, I don't know how this happened. I think she just always meant to get to it and never did. I also know that she tended to shop alot to occupy her time after she got let go from her last job several years back. It broke my heart. emoticon It's all dark and dank, and well, a wreck. Certainly not conducive to health and healing. I offered to help her daughter clean if she needed any help. I know my friend is trying to sort through things for a garage sale, and believe me I hope she has a sucessful one...there is just SO much stuff to sift through.

Beyond that, my friend is in terrible pain. That breaks my heart even more so. She got up for a minute and had a few bites of the veggie soup which I know she really savored...but ONLY a few bites...how can she exist on 2 tablespoons of anything?

I hugged her and told her that I loved her and that I would be back in a few days when her daughter has to go back to her job in Miami.

This beautiful friend has always been a little prickly. She is very opinionated and honestly a little pushy about getting things done HER way. I know this has driven a wedge between she and her girls. I think I'm one of her few friends that can see beyond the facade that she puts on to the true beautiful soul that she is.

I woke up at 3 a.m. last night and just couldn't stop thinking about how short our lives are and why we can't get over our ego self to let others be the way others have chosen to be.

Then I started thinking of the big ole' grudge that I've had for some 30 plus years with my mother-in-law and how that grudge caused so much pain for DH who was always caught in the middle. I'm thankful that last year when we went to visit I was finally able to lay my ego aside and see his mother through HIS eyes. That went a long, long way towards healing past wounds. I think of all the supportive and loving advise that came from my Sparkies that helped me put things in perspective for what they were.

I look at my dear dear friend, and I want to heal her immediately. I don't want her to have to suffer this pain. I don't want her to suffer the lonliness that she is enduring due to her obsessive need to ALWAYS be right about EVERYTHING.

It's NOT fair, and I intend to call her older daughter and tell her that she needs to lay down her grudges and her hostility and come to her mother who has always loved her, right or, wrong, she needs her now!

Please send up your prayers, she needs some fierce powerful angels by her side, we'll ALL be there for her...I know we will! emoticon emoticon emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

AGASSIFAN 9/10/2010 11:57AM

    I feel your pain...I lost my brother to colon cancer 6 years ago and I would have gladly done anything, (including taking his pain for the day, week, month ) just to give him a little relief...your friend is blessed to have you in her life.

The least of her problems is the condition of her house...her daughters are going to end up dealing with that...your mission is to keep her motivated to get better!!!

my prayers are with you...God Bless You!!!!!

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SARABETH_60 9/10/2010 10:58AM

    Prayers for you and your friend. Helping a hoarder to clean up is a very difficult task, even as she moves toward the end of her life. Bless you for trying and here's my hope that you have as much strength as you need for the coming days. I know I don't need to remind you to take care of yourself in the midst of this.

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FICTIONRUNNER 9/10/2010 10:02AM

    You are a beautiful soul. You'll find a way to help her simply by being that friend that stands by her side even when her excuses sound lame. Hang in there.


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DAISY443 9/10/2010 8:33AM

    What a wonderful friend you are to be able to see past her pain to the real person underneath! The soup, even though she couldn't eat much, was food for her soul. Prayers and hugs to you and your friend!

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MSLZZY 9/10/2010 8:00AM

    Prayers being sent! emoticon

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1HAPPYSPIRIT 9/9/2010 10:58PM

    Prayers and positive thoughts for your friend! You have reached out to her in a time of need....and she will NEVER forget YOU, Bobbi. Blessings!


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BARBARAROSE54 9/9/2010 9:46PM

    emoticon prayers for your dear friend Bobbi. So glad you went to visit her and will be visiting again. emoticon

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GOING-STRONG 9/9/2010 8:41PM

    Bless you Bobbi for being there for your friend in her time of need. She is in my prayers and her older daughter also... that she will have some compassion and forgiveness toward her mother. Hugs to you, Rhonda

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    I agree with the comments that say just keep visiting. Your friend will appreciate it.

I wonder if your friend is under hospice care. Their main goal is to stay on top of pain and medications can help to make her more comfortable. They also tend to have a lot of volunteers that visit for emotional support if your friend wants it.

You are doing the right thing by visiting and bringing soup. It was very thoughtful.

Our friends are not supposed to get sick and die..... emoticon

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CHRYS13 9/9/2010 5:32PM

    Prayers are being sent for your dear friend!
Blessings to you, also----take care...

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MS.ELENI 9/9/2010 4:33PM

    I am one of those strange people that really doesn't want company when I am sick. We always discourage people from coming to hospital too. I know I am strange.
I am sorry to hear about your friend.I am very aware of how short life can be.
Get some rest. you need to take care of yourself too

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ELLFIN3 9/9/2010 4:01PM

    Sending emoticon!! I hope the fences can be mended before it is to late!! Take care of yourself!!! Have a Terrific Thursday!! emoticon emoticon

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GRANDMAAMIE 9/9/2010 2:25PM

    sending prayers

hugs amie

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ELSEEBEE 9/9/2010 2:21PM

    As someone who has dealt with cancer, although not as severe as your friend's, I want to thank you for your visit to your friend. It may be difficult at times, but just knowing she has someone who cares about her, no matter what her house looks like or how her family acts, will help her so much. There were times when I was battling my cancer that I got up in the middle of the night and came downstairs to a journal I kept where I could vent all the anger I felt (why me?), the fear (will death hurt?), and the despair (who loves me when I'm like this?). It was an eye-opening experience and I truly learned who really cared about me and what was really important in my life. (You have a great sense of humor so you'll understand when I cleaned out my sewing/craft room because I was wondering what DH's next wife would think if she saw the mess it was in! lol) Be there for your friend. She may say she doesn't want you around, but it just may be she's too afraid of what's happening to her. She's fortunate to have you as an angel in her life, but I am sure you will receive as much from her as you are giving. You are both in my prayers. Peace be with you, dear friend.

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RONIE11 9/9/2010 1:51PM

    It has to be very hard to sit by helplessly and see a dear friend in so much pain.. I would suggest that you visit her often... hoarders don't hoard out of lazyness they do it to surround themselves because there is a emptiness inside of them... just the same as those of us who overeat.. once she realizes that you are there to make a few minutes or hours of her life more comfortable or even more managable she will stop resisting your efforts.. she needs a dear friend now.. she needs a reason to wake up each day... I wish you and her all the best... look inside of yourself and see what helped you the most.... not the action but the feeling you had when someone reached out to you when you were in great need.... take care my friend and know you are there for her...

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    PRAYERS SENT! I remember I did not get along with my mother for awhile. We were sooooo very different. She had a lot of issues. But besides those issues, she raised ME the best way she could and I am thankful for that. Considering she dropped out of high school in the 10th grade, and I went on to receive a Master's degree, that says a lot about her as a parent, even though she never encouraged us for further educate us. We don't realize the influence of others sometimes till they are gone.

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SCSONGBIRD 9/9/2010 1:17PM

    I will pray for your friend. And for you.

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Oh boy..even George Clooney can make a stinker- The American :-(

Sunday, September 05, 2010

Okay Sparkies I hate to rain on your Labor Day picnic I really do

...but if you are planning on catching the new George Clooney movie "The American" here's a head's up.. save your hard earned money and wait for it on television or release on DVD.

~Yep as my DH said to me and the friends we went to see it with in his best English accent "Whoops that one was a bit of a stinker!"

He made light of it but me...I take my movies serious, and George even MORE serious emoticon so when I see a clunker movie, particularly one with Mr. Hunkalicious in it...it just puts me in a BAD mood~ like 'pissed off' bad mood! emoticon

I'm just glad that we lunched at Outback BEFORE the movie and the dining experience was really enjoyable...if we had gone there AFTER the movie I most likely would have griped and moaned my way through the whole meal most likely ruining it for everyone.

Sorry people...but really...George...REALLY...how could you? Did you not read the script???And to top off the bad screenplay you STILL signed up to be one of the producers...are those pasta carbs going to your head over there in Italy ...does that Italian girlfriend lead you around by the dumb part of your brain?...Did she have a friend of a friend of a friend that wanted to be in the movie that said ...hey we can get George Clooney, he's madly in love with dingleberries (that's where his Italian girlfriend's name goes) I mean really!! emoticon

I guess you gathered I didn't like the movie. I had to keep tapping my foot quickly (great calorie burner..so that was okay) to stay awake... I kept telling myself...okay next scene SOMETHING is going to happen! Something ...please...something!!! emoticon

This movie must have been a song to produce because they sure didn't put money into the movie sets you'll see plenty of cobblestone streets, and George does look pretty buff. Maybe the part where he is doing push ups and chin ups might have been worth the $7.50 at least for me...it probably didn't seem like DH got his money's worth...well...maybe there were a few scenes he'd agree were worth the bucks...pretty steamy in some girl with George parts!

George would have to have lost weight during the movie, he was running, or climbing up all those Italian streets with 40 million steps and bends and alleys in scene after scene after SCENE!

And of course I'll have to admit another good thing about the movie was all the close up's of Georgie...he is such a cutie pie, even with graying hair he's pretty adorable...not too smart about his recent movie making choices but we always seem to forgive pretty people.

Will I go see another Clooney movie when one comes out...of course...would I move to Bellagio to be his neighbor...you betcha~~would I ever tell him in person that I hated his movie...NEVER.....fickle... we..the loyal fan base are, aren't we?

Okay, now I'm going to watch something GOOD on t.v. and DH is making homemade popcorn for dinner...I'm ending this day on a good movie experience! emoticon emoticon

I got my writing challenge of 3,000 words accomplished and my exercise and my eating has been pretty good...well...I shouldn't say that until I calculate those popcorn calories should I?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NEWFLABULESS 9/9/2010 11:42AM

    Thanks for the head's up - nice to hear a "real" review before taking the time and spending the money.

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NEWFLABULESS 9/9/2010 11:42AM

    Thanks for the head's up - nice to hear a "real" review before taking the time and spending the money.

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NEWFLABULESS 9/9/2010 11:42AM

    Thanks for the head's up - nice to hear a "real" review before taking the time and spending the money.

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VAMANOS 9/9/2010 2:03AM

    Isn't it terrible when we go to a movie just for the person who's in it, and then it's a bomb? I would have done that...well, would have watched it on DVD, we don't go to theaters because DH thinks he's too tall and is preventing people behind him from seeing. I, however, am short and blind, so we have to sit near the front. Just doesn't work out for us, lol. Anyway, now I won't bother. We so seldom watch movies that it just isn't worth wasting an evening on a bad one.

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MSLZZY 9/8/2010 10:45PM

    Good thing I don't go to movies LOL!

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PENNYAN45 9/8/2010 11:41AM

    I saw The American, and could not agree with you more!!

It was a showcase for George Clooney . I like him, so that was good.

However, it wasn't set in a particularly attractive part of Italy - the scenery was sort of dry and barren looking most of the time.
There wasn't much dialogue, and even less of a plot. His character wasn't one we identified with all that much-- or even cared about. It was not a satisfying movie to watch.

It was a bomb.


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TREESA57 9/8/2010 9:32AM

    Thank you for the movie review. I love George and his cute tush. But I will wait until it comes out on HBO. I do love georgie porgie but the acting has to be good too.. so thanks a lot I am putting that movie on my dont go to list.
keep us informed on any future movies ok? thanks

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1HAPPYSPIRIT 9/7/2010 7:38PM

    Thanks for the movie review....I think I'll wait for the DVD!

Have a great week!!

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MARCYNA 9/7/2010 12:06PM

    I'm not a fan of George...but he's a good actor, maybe this film's not his best... emoticon

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DESERT_BIRD 9/7/2010 11:59AM

    Thank you for the heads-up! My DH and I were going to go see that one...so you saved us! I've always dreamed of going to Bellagio...prime real estate!

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WISEONE24 9/7/2010 9:00AM

    I saw it on Friday and it was HORRIBLE!! People were walking out of the theater but we stayed in hopes the ending would tie everything together. Total waste of time and my $11!

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    Thanks for the heads up. I wouldn't have gone to see it anyway, but maybe rented it from Redbox, now I won't even bother to wste my $1.

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GRAMMIE1959 9/6/2010 8:33AM

    Yep, I'll definitely pass on that one!
George is good looking but I'd still rather smooch with my DH!


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RUBYCLAIRE 9/6/2010 6:55AM

    You are too funny! I absolutely LOVE your movie review!
George Clooney is adorable, I agree with you there, but who wants to see a terrible movie just to feast their eyes on his sweet looks, right?

I rarely go to the movie theater, (like maybe every 5 yrs or so) but my son convinced me to go see "Grown Ups" with him. it was absolutely HILARIOUS!! We laughed through the entire movie, give or take one or two more serious scenes.

I heard "Date Night" was suppose to be just as funny so I just may break my moving going streak and check that one out as well.


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VICIOUS421 9/6/2010 2:11AM

    emoticonLoved the rant & will definately not go see that movie!!!!!

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GOING-STRONG 9/6/2010 12:30AM

    I just love your movie reviews... one of these days I might even get to one... and when I do I don't want to be disappointed! The last movie we went to see was Date Night and it made me laugh out loud so that gets two thumbs up. Sorry you wasted your time and money on a dud ~ but thanks for letting us know! Spark on.. Hugs, R.

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SUCHAHOOT 9/5/2010 10:21PM

    You are too funny! What a great attitude to be so ticked and still write a funny for us!

Hope your home movie and popcorn made up for the day. We are going to see
Avatar at the IMAX for the second time. Loved it & now it's back with 20 or so extra minutes!

Happy Labor Day!

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    It's tough to have to come home to watch a good movie!! Glad you had fun at Outback before you went to the movies. Have a great evening and let your brain perk during the night so you wake up fresh to have your creative juices flow in the morning!

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SARABETH_60 9/5/2010 7:26PM

    Darn! I love George Clooney and how sad I am to hear that the American is a clunker. But we wait for movies to come to us via DVD -- no movie theater anywhere close to us! Wonder how it did at the box office...?

Have a great holiday!

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MS.ELENI 9/5/2010 6:40PM

    Did you say you like George Clooney emoticon emoticon

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Think drugs are cool...read Josher's poem :_((

Friday, September 03, 2010

Hey Sparklers! Happy Friday to ya! Here's Josh's pic that he termed 'God's of Myspace' no disrespect intended it was just his quirky take on things.

As some of you know I'm working all out 'b*ll's to the wall' sorry that was a little off color, but it DOES describe the climate on getting Joshie's story out to the world!

I was sent a wonderful Sparkie friend (KStyle) who put this challenge together and bless her little bones it was JUST the push I needed to get my lame butt in gear!

Today I got my 3000 words in and in record time. So now after only 3 days I'm at 9100 words...who would have thunk it? I'm only up to Josh's introduction to the private school from hell that he likes to term it. I threw that sweet adorable trusting little 4th grader into the jaws of a lion thinking the whole time that I was putting him on the fast track for a good college. One more example of how parent's can be totally clueless as to what is best for the individual CHILD not what is best for THEIR perspective on what is accceptable and proper by society's standards.

We ended up wasting a BOAT LOAD of money for four years because I just refused to see and accept that Josh HATED it there and was miserable truly miserable. But it will all be in the book.

I'm rifling through Josh's journals and papers because once he started high school he kept a live journal (on the computer) and sheaves of poems and screen-writes and journals of how he was feeling. Too bad I didn't come across those items BEFORE he was gone I might have been able to get a clue as to what he was experiencing and change the whole course of circumstances.

But hopefully when this information gets into the hands of other kids and their parents it will help with the train wreck that his dad and I had to experience in losing our beautiful son. That's the whole hope and as I've said so many times MY life mission! emoticon

I'm so blessed to have heard from so many of you that have shared your stories and your fears and your hopes and that's the whole reason I think I was lucky enough for us to find each other.

Here's a powerful poem that Josh wrote about drugs. I have it copyrighted in his collection.

Before it I found it I came across another quirky thing...almost as if Josh were writing his own obit it makes my eyes tear up to see how physic that beautiful boy was. I treasure the fact that many of Josh's works are in his own perfect print, he loved to use a pencil and paper for many of his works. I've heard that graphite is a magical tool to unlock the magic we all hold inside. Thank goodness our little kindergartens still use pencils! emoticon

By Josh:

"JOSHUA SIGNS has captivated the minds of many individuals with stories of adventure, mystery and horror since elementary school. During his youth he won an award in The Young Author's Conference for most creative storybooking. (I remember that day well, he was bursting his little 6 year old buttons!)

He continued his writing throughout high school and wrote several songs, performing them with a local band. He actually managed to sell a few C.D.s. He is currently in pursuit of his dream to share his world with thousands through literature and film."

And so you shall darling boy...so you shall! emoticon emoticon

Here's a POWERFUL poem he wrote. It still saddens and amazes me that he was so ANTI-DRUG but somehow was taken down by the very thing he spoke out against. It just goes to show you....NO ONE ever expects to get to a place that the drugs repossess your soul..NO ONE...legal with a script or illegal a drug is a drug is a drug!

i know in some cases they are ABSOLUTELY necessary so don't send me hate mail okay? emoticon which you'd never do anyway. emoticon

By Joshua Gavin Signs Copywrite 2006


Boredom leads the weak to trouble
Far beyond their safety bubble
Curiousity killed the cat
Now it kills people at the drop of a hat
Away from safety, past the light
Past the days and into night

Those who wander can never come back

The train was bound, but lost the track
"Learn from mistakes" is what they preach
But mistakes like this will rarely teach

Your first experience is always a party
The thrill resembles riding a Harley
Bikes bring danger and so does this

You'll forever be held onto by it's kiss
First comes the pleasure, second comes the pain
The leech now secures inside of your brain

No longer bored, you try to walk
But like a boat, you return to dock

Now you're scared, you know you're in need
Much like a vampire, you have to feed
So away from safety, past the light
You travel forth into the night

Knocking on doors, you'd stray from before
Begging for a fix, because you are poor

The IOU's begin to pile
Yet you always stretch that extra mile
Finally one day the debts are due
The fingers all point directly at you

Strung out cravings, empty pockets
Discolored eyes beneath darkened sockets

You stare at them, your eyes are blank
You tell them there's nothing left in your bank

They draw their guns and take their stance
You shield your face and piss your pants

Body shaking, you begin to cry
Pleading for at least one more try

Unmoved they stand, firmly on ground
the one on your left, fires the first round

It all becomes clear as you take your last breath...
The equation remains: Drugs=Death

I gasp every time I read Josh's words. He had a way of picking the PEFECT word to describe the emotions he wanted you to feel. The MOST amazing thing is that I never suspected he was doing drugs. I might have been suspicious of pot a few times because I could smell it but he'd always tell me it was his FRIENDS not him. I am so sad to say that I think Josh went down in only a short six month timeframe after he met his druggie buddy. SIX MONTHS...that's how quick they can take you down!

How can I ever measure up to his gift of writing...I SIMPLY...can't...but I know he'll do the best he can to help me tell HIS story in my own faltering, but sincere way and hopefully he'll put me in touch with an EXPERT editor!

I think I'm going to try and get the CD that his father made released with the book. That CD about killed his father putting it together but it is SO POWERFUL and because Josh wanted MORE than anything to be a film~maker this will be his film. Certainly not the one he had probably intended to make, but drugs robbed him of that opportunity.

The C.D. shows a short podcast that Josh released of he and his buddies popping coriceden then going to a rave party and having fun, fun, fun. The next clip is of his final day on this earth, he was CLEARLY NOT having fun on that one, I think he KNEW he was in deep trouble but the buddy staying with him didn't call 911. Next will be a shot of his memorial with all of his favorite things there and the over 300 friends and family crying their hearts out and telling their Josh stories of how much they loved him and would miss him forever!

So Josh...I hope your story helps someone else. I hope that some other kid will see your films and say to themselves...oh...life is WORTH living...oh...people DO love me!...oh I might want to take that second chance!

Josh's urn has an inscription. It was sitting on a high table near the front of the room with a little candle burning. Beside that table was an almost life sized picture of him.

The inscription reads: "May the work I've done...speak for me"

Josh's friends put together a REMARKABLE montage of Josh with all of the quirky crazy films they had made together. That kid was a SUPER STAR, and I'm not saying that simply because I'm his mom. I know films, I know GOOD films and Josh was right up there!

Now I KNOW why you left those journals and the mountain of poems, and screen writes...Now I know why you filmed your last day...now I know son, and the world will know too!
emoticon I love you Joshua Gavin Signs...you KNOW i do! emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NEWFLABULESS 9/8/2010 12:29PM

    I'm sure this was very difficult for you to write and share with us but I'm so glad you did. Brings tears and sadness to me and I have never personally met any of you. You have such a gift with your writing that makes me feel like I know you and long to hear more and more. THANK YOU so much for sharing this part of your life that is so tragic. You have no idea how much it means, dear friend.

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SUSANSERENE 9/7/2010 10:43AM

    With all the journals and information Josh has left behind, it's as if he did so intentionally so that you could pick it all up and make sense of it. With that he possibly was hoping for forgiveness and understanding along with a prayer that his story and message would be refined and shared, hopefully to help prevent others from traveling the same path.

I hear your pain and sadness yet I feel your strength and resolve. You're a good mom and you and Josh's dad will create a special gift to the world from what Josh left behind. I praise you, embrace you and wish you peace and success. How can you go wrong with a gentle son to guide you?

God be with you, Bobbi, as you travel this road ahead. It sounds like you have lots of support and encouragement and I'll look forward to checking in and adding my love and blessings, as well.

Wishing you abundant blessings and profound gratitude, my friend.

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    I agree with you....it is clear that Josh created that large body of creative work in such a short time because he wanted his story to be told.

I don't know what approach you are taking with the book, but I just got this vision of a book with parallel plot lines. One line is a chronological description of what you thought Josh's life was like (ie putting him into a "good school") and a parallel line of what Josh's life was REALLY like.

No matter what approach you take, I'm sure the book is going to be Fantastic!! Congratulations on your writing streak!!!

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KUTEY504 9/3/2010 11:52PM

    Something drew me to read your blog. I know it had to be hard to write it. It looks like he got his writing style from you. Thank you for sharing his story with us and for trying to get it out to the world. If I could reach out and hug you I would. I know the pain that drugs brings to the familys of its victims

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JONESEYJR55 9/3/2010 7:47PM

    Hello, Dear Angel,
Thank You for Sharing Your Heart. Josh's story will open dialogues between generations and allow light in to begin Healing. I am so glad you are writing!
Be Blessed...I am sending you lots and lots of yellow light and LOVE LOVE LOVE
Archangel Gabriel will help guide your hand, for He is the bearer of great news in our world. emoticon

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GOING-STRONG 9/3/2010 6:19PM

    Thanks for sharing Bobbi... that poem is POWERFUL and brought tears to my eyes. I'm so sad that you lost that bright star.

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RONIE11 9/3/2010 5:12PM

    What a wonderful find. My son has a lot of journals too. He's very protective of them but he does share with his friends.. I'm not sure how long it would of taken me to start going through them.. this must be a healing process for you. I can tell that you are loving through the pain..

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PENNYAN45 9/3/2010 2:12PM

    The emotions reach out from the page and grab hold of the reader!

I admire your strength to go through the pain of looking at it all again for the sake of sharing your son's legacy. You are keeping alive his words and his message.

I respect you and applaud you for taking on this demanding, but worthwhile mission for yourself. I offer you my support and encouragement and comfort and friendship.

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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NANNER2121 9/3/2010 1:37PM

    emoticon - You render me speechless in a very good way.
Hugs my friend

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MS.ELENI 9/3/2010 1:12PM


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BARBARAROSE54 9/3/2010 12:33PM


you know I've lived through the nightmare of drugs in my own family. Those are powerful words Bobbi!

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THE_SILVER_OWL 9/3/2010 12:32PM

    Your feelings are so raw, and by writing all of this it feels like you are ripping the bandaid off to bleed all over again. My heart goes out to you. May you continue to have the strength to face each relived moment with courage and see your project of love through to it's completion. My admiration knows no bounds...

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ELLFIN3 9/3/2010 12:19PM

    Very moving! Thanks for sharing! I know it will be a book I will buy! Thank you for your work on getting out the word on drugs! Have a successful weekend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! emoticon emoticon

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EARTHSEAME 9/3/2010 11:46AM

    emoticon What an amazing story of love you have to tell.

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KSTYLEFITNESS 9/3/2010 11:45AM

    I'm just so happy that I can be a part of you and Josh's journey. I know you would have written it without or without me, but I pat myself on the back for pushing you and urging you on. I'm not sure what I said specifically to get you going. I do know I like to challenge myself and have challenged m any others with their weight loss goals on Spark. I'm shedding tears right now because Spark means so much to me right now. I have met some of the most AMAZING people here on Spark that I would have never known without it.

I think YOU and Josh came into MY life for a reason. He's much like I was growing up, writing and wanting to make movies. It seemed like he lived to do that, and was rather good at it. Your book, and Josh's story not only will help parents, teachers, and lost children trying to find their way, but it also will help others to see their dreams through. I always say, if you wake up and all you think about is doing XYZ (for me it's writing) you are supposed to be doing XYZ. Not talking about it, not dreaming about it, but doing it! Josh was doing it. He was a writer. He was a filmmaker. Even if he did not achieve the the success in his lifetime, that doesn't make him not successful as a talented writer and filmmaker.

Keep up this writing streak you'll be surprised at yourself when you have completed this.

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NCPANFAN 9/3/2010 11:20AM

    Thanks for sharing. May it touch others as it touched me.

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JULIEO100 9/3/2010 11:20AM

    What a powerful message!!!!! Prayers with all of you. The children in our neighborhood going thru horrors of life. One in particular in mind 17, Jordan. Mom has HIV and has thrown him out, Dad physically beaten now gone, kicked out of school living on neighbors front porch, theiving, lying, doing drugs. My heart wants to "make everything right" for him. He's young, scared, "doesn't fear anything", will fight at the drop of a hat. Praying he'll recieve the message before it's too late.

GOD Bless, you my friend~Hugs!~ emoticon emoticon emoticon

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WANDAC2013 9/3/2010 11:17AM

    emoticonI can't imagine the roller coaster of emotions you must be feeling. Thank you for using your tragedy to help others.

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VAMANOS 9/3/2010 11:16AM

    What an incredible gift, this body of work that Josh left. That there is so much in his own words and video will create an unmatched impact when your work is done. This is SO important...sending you extra energy to lift you up as you work. emoticon

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SLIMMERJESSE 9/3/2010 11:16AM

    This always breaks my heart the same way it did since you joined SP and started blogging. Big hug, Bobbi.

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VALERIEMAHA 9/3/2010 11:07AM

    This takes my breath away.

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