Monday, September 13, 2010
Okay, I know it's not officially 'fall picture' time until October when the leaves start changing...but i'm thinking if I can at least see them on my page I'll feel better. So here they are!!
Honestly, I'm just SICK of this hot, sticky, humid, 100% round the clock humidity. I hate to even walk out side these days. Especially when I hear all of my sparkie friends saying how NICE and cool it is for their walks... I wanna come visit..and walk with YOU! Aha...had to add two emoticons so that we could walk together!
I got the BEST little surprise delivered to me in the mail today. It came from my darling Sparkie friend, Ms. Eleni. I was lucky to meet her in person when her DH had a bowling tournament to attend down here in Ft. Myers a few months back. We had a GOOD ole' time..went to lunch then back to my house...talking like we've known each other forever!!
She knows what a struggle I've been having writing the Josh man's book so she sent me a sweet little card that says..."Keep going! You can do it!"
Inside it says "I know you have what it takes to do this!"
Can you BELIEVE the kindness that surrounds us here in Spark world? Ms Eleni has PLENTY on HER plate...but she takes the time and effort to think of me...I love you Eleni...you KNOW I do!
I worked hard on Josher's book today. I'm still going through the mountains of LiveJournals, and screenwrites, and poems. Then I'll tackle his MySpace stuff. I love that I get to read his own words and share them. I love that he wrote practically everything in his own hand. His perfect handprinting shows the perfectionist that he was! It makes me feel that his essence is with me in a very loving way!
As I work through this process I'm thinking we ALL should share our family stories It is so healing to walk back through our history and get it all down for our future acendants. Knowing your roots I think can really help in figuring themselves out. Why should only President's or famous people's history be written..we are ALL famous within our own family.
Of course Josh's book goes way beyond his family, his book is fully aimed at his young adult peer group in helping them understand that they are unique, and beautiful, and they should never cave to peer pressure. There ARE nice people in the world, and they need to seek them out and hang with them. Haters are not the people to be around! Josh's book also reflects my perspective on all of the signs I missed that he was suffering. It's SO sad that we as parents can get so caught up in our business' and our own life..that we sometimes tend to gloss over the symptoms of our children who might be needing more from us.
DH and I certainly were guilty of that, not intentionally in any form...but we were very involved with the community, our business, and the role that we played in it. Josh was the one that didn't always get our full attention...heck he was grown right...22 years old right...I'm here to tell you our kids are just as vunerable...if not more so at that age than when they are babies.
There's more temptation, and more peer pressure on them than ever before. Watch your babies and hold them close! They need you and look to you as their anchor in the storm! We as parents have NO clue what we mean to our children..or at least I didn't seem to during that time. I see it all now in Josh's writings..I see his vunerability, I see his pain in trying to fit in...it's all there...too late for me...but not too late for you!
Wow..this is turning into a bummer blog...sorry!
I did great on my eating, and got my aerobic and weight training in...so I'm good to go!
Stay healthy, stay happy, and keep on keepin' on...we'll all get there together..yes we will!
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Josh LOVED chocolate milk...LOVED it! Here he is out to breakfast at the local Waffle House with a bunch of his friends after they all had a camp out night. He's wearing the silver marcasite cross I gave him for love and protection.
I came across this pic while researching all of the VAST material he left behind. There is everything in that massive stack, and it's exhausting to have to sift through it all. I do it because I don't want to miss a thing that's important to go in his book.
I do it because I feel the need to get the timeline right on what he wrote when. What year of school was he in..how old was he, what were his feelings at that particular time of his life, all the things that are so important in making you know and love Josh the way I knew and loved him! It's all relevant, then I can edit out parts that might need to be trimmed.
I had all of his notebooks, yearbooks, manuscripts, pictures, his wallet and his driver licenses all laid out over the entire surface of his queen size bed today. I was playing some of his favorite music at the time. I put all the information into a timeline of labeled manilla folders...so much stuff...that child had SO much to say...he lived three lifetimes in his short 22 years. I haven't even glazed the surface yet on his livejournals (an internet diary before MySpace came about). Or his MySpace posts, or his screenplays, his hundreds of poems, his computer too...is full.
I have to discipher all of these things to get into Josh's head to understand why what happened happened. Why did he make the wrong choices that he did and what propelled him to do it? This comes from my training on my first job out of high school working in the newsroom of The Des Moines Register and Tribune. I loved that job, I loved telling people's stories, and I loved probing for the facts that made the story crediable.
It would be easier just to pluck out what I remember from my head, but that would be slacking, and since it's been four years alot of important information would be forgotten, mis interpreted, or glossed over. When I read Josh's words I stay true to his character. This is what I want and need for his book, the HARD way is usually the RIGHT way.
He WAS his mother's son. He had the same start, stop, jump to another project personality that his mom does. A million irons in the fire and not the best follow through. I always chock this off to the 'creative' personality, but it might be lack of disipline.
I can tell you right now I just want to jump to another project, this one is HARD! I don't like HARD. I like EASY, BREEZY, and quick.
I'm learning that life is hard, well, I knew that, but I'm learning that disipline is a virtue.
I'm realizing that this is a project I can't walk away from, this is a challenge I MUST complete...it's not for me, and it's not even COMPLETELY for Josh, it's for the millions of kids out there that want to give up and walk away when life gets too hard. It's for the parents that want EASY BREEZY and get frustrated and stifled when parenting gets exhausting.
So yesterday I didn't get to write because I was surrounded with the din of noise and people. Not that I don't love people..I was working or socializing with them all day.
But, writing is a solitary effort, you can't be distracted by ANYTHING while your doing it. And if you DON'T do it...it just doesn't get done. They will never invent anything that can take the disipline of writing away...and I consider that a GOOD thing. You just have to face your demons and plough through them.
Today I worked on Josh's book most of the day, by myself in his bedroom. Going through his yearbooks seeing all of the gifts right there on paper...that was MY boy...MY talented beautiful boy with all he had to offer this world! This day was sad and sweet at the same time, but I did face my "I don't wanna do this"... and I did it anyway..that is progress even if it wasn't sitting in front of the computer pounding out my word count challenge. I can't tell the story if I don't feel that I've properly done my research, and that's the PART I've been avoiding all of these years. The part that forces me to sit down and face the vast abyss of guilt and saddness. Handling the very papers that Josh wrote his true essence on, the notebooks of his life.
It will get done, it's just so DARN hard! I'm doing it for me, I'm doing it for Josh, I'm doing it for all the broken hearted people in our world that keep ploughing through...one hard day at a time!
Friday, September 10, 2010
I'm happy with myself on my writing challenge. I'm right on track and that is a GOOD thing. I've got Josh up to his senior year in high school. Sadly, I think that's when his problems began.
I also think that's about the time he started writing his live journals which was a very early form of MySpace, so his voice can take over for much of the point of view.
Not that I haven't heard him loud and clear through all of the work I've done thus far, he is a taskmaster, THAT one. I'll come up with some lame butt excuse to do something BEFORE I plop down to type and I just can not get him out of my head....MOM....MOM...GET IN THERE MOM...GET THIS DONE for me...you promised!
Being the good and devoted mother that I am...I have no choice. I bid his favor.
I AM worried about my friend. I called her house last night and spoke to her daughter. I asked if I could pop over to see her for a minute and was told that she was sleeping.
Today I called the house about 10 a.m. and it went to message machine. This worries me greatly. I left a message saying I was concerned and asked for a call back. I called her ex-husband at his CPA firm, got a message on his machine explaining the above and asked for a call back. So far it's 12:30 and nothing.
This is when my writer imagination runs rampant! THis is when I remember my friend asking if I could be her advocate if she needed me to be. Her daughter is very PRO traditional health care and Donna is definitely 100% skeptical of that approach fully. I'm so afraid that with the horrible pain she has been experiencing she is drugged into a submissive state and pliable to anyone's will. I'm also thinking how her ex has been paying alimony all of these years and if anyone has a reason to see an opportunity to end that obligation it would be him.
Then I berate myself for being so suspicious of her family, and realizing I'm only a friend, I'm NOT family. So the story unweaves but it scares the bejabbers out of me how such a strong, strong woman can be riddled into a soft pile of cotton in a matter of pain ridden days.
Okay, enough of that...this sounds like I'm writing a story for Dateline! I don't want that job at all!
I'll keep you posted, I hope I hear something soon! Keep those prayers flying upward!
Maybe they are at the doctors, but I thought her appointment was on Monday next week, maybe I got my dates mixed up...it's certainly happened before! Fingers crossed!
I've got to get my special order for Loop De Loo anklets going, I have a special order of 20 of them with the little cancer charm in pink. A customer is buying them for the Susan B. Komen run for she and her friends...hummmmm that's A LOT of friends don't ya think? But I'm happy for the business!
I've also got to clean this big ole' house, we are hosting the Friday night group (SATURDAY since we have to work and can't stay out to all hours tonight) to our house for hors d'ouvres then we'll all go out to eat. Twenty people is a big hostess job...I'd better get to it...my house is a mess...THAT will burn those calories big time!
Update: Settle down Bobbi, Donna was at the doctor's office with her daughter...her ex-hubby called and then Donna herself called...her voice was music to my ears!
Thursday, September 09, 2010
Writer's write. Or at least that's the old addage. Today was a tough tough day on my challenge. And beyond that when i wrote my blog about it...it flew away into Spark heaven so this one will be much shorter. If you can't say I'm NOT persistent, you can't say anything.
I'm sleep deprived. I'm riddled with worry over my dear friend who has inoperable colon cancer. I went to see her yesterday. I've been attempting to visit for a few weeks now and she always has an excuse. My house isn't clean, I'm tired today, I just don't feel up to company. I've heard them all.
I gently reminded her that I'm NOT coming to see her house, and I surely won't stay long I just want her to know that I love her and care about her and friends see friends when they are feeling low.
She finally succumbed but only with the bribe that I'd bring her some homemade wonderful fresh organic veggie soup. Food gets us every time doesn't it?
I was shocked when I was let inside by her daughter who is over from Miami, I don't shock easily, but her house looked like something out of the t.v. program "The Hoarders"
Honestly, I don't know how this happened. I think she just always meant to get to it and never did. I also know that she tended to shop alot to occupy her time after she got let go from her last job several years back. It broke my heart. It's all dark and dank, and well, a wreck. Certainly not conducive to health and healing. I offered to help her daughter clean if she needed any help. I know my friend is trying to sort through things for a garage sale, and believe me I hope she has a sucessful one...there is just SO much stuff to sift through.
Beyond that, my friend is in terrible pain. That breaks my heart even more so. She got up for a minute and had a few bites of the veggie soup which I know she really savored...but ONLY a few bites...how can she exist on 2 tablespoons of anything?
I hugged her and told her that I loved her and that I would be back in a few days when her daughter has to go back to her job in Miami.
This beautiful friend has always been a little prickly. She is very opinionated and honestly a little pushy about getting things done HER way. I know this has driven a wedge between she and her girls. I think I'm one of her few friends that can see beyond the facade that she puts on to the true beautiful soul that she is.
I woke up at 3 a.m. last night and just couldn't stop thinking about how short our lives are and why we can't get over our ego self to let others be the way others have chosen to be.
Then I started thinking of the big ole' grudge that I've had for some 30 plus years with my mother-in-law and how that grudge caused so much pain for DH who was always caught in the middle. I'm thankful that last year when we went to visit I was finally able to lay my ego aside and see his mother through HIS eyes. That went a long, long way towards healing past wounds. I think of all the supportive and loving advise that came from my Sparkies that helped me put things in perspective for what they were.
I look at my dear dear friend, and I want to heal her immediately. I don't want her to have to suffer this pain. I don't want her to suffer the lonliness that she is enduring due to her obsessive need to ALWAYS be right about EVERYTHING.
It's NOT fair, and I intend to call her older daughter and tell her that she needs to lay down her grudges and her hostility and come to her mother who has always loved her, right or, wrong, she needs her now!
Please send up your prayers, she needs some fierce powerful angels by her side, we'll ALL be there for her...I know we will!
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