Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Here's our beautiful little angel kitty the darling Ms. Chin Chin. She went to be with Josh in heaven yesterday. She had been feeling low for almost the past year, and fought a number of problems. She was an old kitty maybe about 14 in cat years which is equal to 90ish or more in human years...so she had a good long life full of love and pampered care.
I saw her at a pet store in Naples that specialized in Alaskan Snow Cats, that's a cross between a white persian and a somali. She was 1/2 persian and 1/2 somali but she took on much more of the loving persian qualities and was a lover for sure.
She used to come out and greet our company everytime we had a function, in fact, she and her big boy baby Keanu were the 'official welcome committee' at the Signs household. She was friendly to the point of being pesky, but she knew she was beautiful and she wasn't going to miss one moment of the 'oooohhh's and ahhhhh's' she knew she would garner.
I loved that little girl cat, she was the epitome of what 'pure love' and 'pure dedication' look like. She absolutely lit up whenever Josh walked into the room, and tripped all over herself getting over to him. He'd scoop her up and wrap her around his neck like a big chinchilla collar...then he'd proceed to walk around the house and she would be slipping and sliding and hanging on for dear life...her purr was so loud I could hear it from across the room! Now Chinnie and Josh are back together and I'm sure the first thing he did was scoop her up and wrap her around his neck. I only wish I had a picture of the reunion...it had to be so sweet!
Chin Chin was terribly affected when Josh died. She slept on his bed in his room for months and months...curled up on his pillow, guarding his room, waiting for her love to return. When he never did...I could see a change in her demeanor...she actually appeared sad...and she seemed to go down in her health.
For the past year she has lost weight, and lost interest in socializing when we have company. She preferred to hide away from the large crowds leaving the hob nobbing to her son Keanu...who of course, took over with gusto!
Keanu has 2 parts Somali to 1 part persian so even though he is only one year younger than his momma I think he has the hardier somali genes. I hope they keep him alive for a long long time.
Yesterday was absolutely the PITS! I wrapped Chinney in a towel because I didn't want to further tramatize her by putting her in her carrier to go to the vet. She was as loving and as sweet as ever, but oh so weak. I knew it might be the end so being the big ole' baby that I am, I asked DH if he could leave the job he was estimating a little early to drive me. I wanted to hold Chinnie the whole way. The precious little darling was actually purrring and I felt so horrible...knowing that the vet would probably tell me that with her age and no weight that it would be best to let her go.
That is what happened, and I cried my eyes out, but that is what we do when we love some little creature as much as we love any other member of our family. Thankfully the vet gave her a shot to let her go to sleep quickly and peacefully before she did the euthanasia. I stayed with Chin Chin and told her how much we loved her and what a beautiful kitty she was and that now it was time to share her again with Josh and that we knew she would be happy and so would he.
She purred until she fell asleep, I didn't stay for the final injection...I just couldn't!
I'm a little worried about Keanu...he definitely knows something is up. Although his momma mostly found a corner to sleep in...he misses seeing her when dinner is served...I know that animals love each other and miss each other in the same way humans do. Maybe not to the same degree...but they know.
We are lathering on extra, extra attention to the big guy now, he's our only remaining fur child.
It was time to let go of his momma, she was wetting all over the house, and she knew I wasn't happy about that even in her weakened state. Whenever I was in the laundry room she'd come in and climb in her box and poke her head out and look at me like "see mom, I'm trying...I'm trying my best to win your approval and love...right to the very end...I'm trying!" Then I'd feel so bad and fold her up in a towel and hold and rock her in the recliner. Chinnie spent lots of time during her final days right where she loved to be...the center of our undivided attention. She had a very good life, and now it's even BETTER!
RIP our little angel cat Chin Chin
You made our world a better place with your sweet personality, and your awesome beauty. You showed me what pure unconditional love looks like and I'll never forget that lesson. Enjoy your time with our beautiful Josh man until we are all together once again!
Josh will be doing the 'happy dance' for sure when he sees you coming down the path towards him!
Momma Chin Chin and her big boy baby Keanu taking a final sunbath together just about a month ago. I love this pic of the two of them just hanging out enjoying each other's company.
I'm off to the dentist today to start a bunch of work that will restore my health and my smile...I'm mentally exhausted, but I won't allow myself to sit home and mope...life goes on whether we want it to or not doesn't it?
A BIG heartfelt thank you to ALL of my adorable sparkling friends..you are GOLD to me which by the way...makes me very very wealthy in today's market!
Monday, September 13, 2010
Okay, I know it's not officially 'fall picture' time until October when the leaves start changing...but i'm thinking if I can at least see them on my page I'll feel better. So here they are!!
Honestly, I'm just SICK of this hot, sticky, humid, 100% round the clock humidity. I hate to even walk out side these days. Especially when I hear all of my sparkie friends saying how NICE and cool it is for their walks... I wanna come visit..and walk with YOU! Aha...had to add two emoticons so that we could walk together!
I got the BEST little surprise delivered to me in the mail today. It came from my darling Sparkie friend, Ms. Eleni. I was lucky to meet her in person when her DH had a bowling tournament to attend down here in Ft. Myers a few months back. We had a GOOD ole' time..went to lunch then back to my house...talking like we've known each other forever!!
She knows what a struggle I've been having writing the Josh man's book so she sent me a sweet little card that says..."Keep going! You can do it!"
Inside it says "I know you have what it takes to do this!"
Can you BELIEVE the kindness that surrounds us here in Spark world? Ms Eleni has PLENTY on HER plate...but she takes the time and effort to think of me...I love you Eleni...you KNOW I do!
I worked hard on Josher's book today. I'm still going through the mountains of LiveJournals, and screenwrites, and poems. Then I'll tackle his MySpace stuff. I love that I get to read his own words and share them. I love that he wrote practically everything in his own hand. His perfect handprinting shows the perfectionist that he was! It makes me feel that his essence is with me in a very loving way!
As I work through this process I'm thinking we ALL should share our family stories It is so healing to walk back through our history and get it all down for our future acendants. Knowing your roots I think can really help in figuring themselves out. Why should only President's or famous people's history be written..we are ALL famous within our own family.
Of course Josh's book goes way beyond his family, his book is fully aimed at his young adult peer group in helping them understand that they are unique, and beautiful, and they should never cave to peer pressure. There ARE nice people in the world, and they need to seek them out and hang with them. Haters are not the people to be around! Josh's book also reflects my perspective on all of the signs I missed that he was suffering. It's SO sad that we as parents can get so caught up in our business' and our own life..that we sometimes tend to gloss over the symptoms of our children who might be needing more from us.
DH and I certainly were guilty of that, not intentionally in any form...but we were very involved with the community, our business, and the role that we played in it. Josh was the one that didn't always get our full attention...heck he was grown right...22 years old right...I'm here to tell you our kids are just as vunerable...if not more so at that age than when they are babies.
There's more temptation, and more peer pressure on them than ever before. Watch your babies and hold them close! They need you and look to you as their anchor in the storm! We as parents have NO clue what we mean to our children..or at least I didn't seem to during that time. I see it all now in Josh's writings..I see his vunerability, I see his pain in trying to fit in...it's all there...too late for me...but not too late for you!
Wow..this is turning into a bummer blog...sorry!
I did great on my eating, and got my aerobic and weight training in...so I'm good to go!
Stay healthy, stay happy, and keep on keepin' on...we'll all get there together..yes we will!
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Josh LOVED chocolate milk...LOVED it! Here he is out to breakfast at the local Waffle House with a bunch of his friends after they all had a camp out night. He's wearing the silver marcasite cross I gave him for love and protection.
I came across this pic while researching all of the VAST material he left behind. There is everything in that massive stack, and it's exhausting to have to sift through it all. I do it because I don't want to miss a thing that's important to go in his book.
I do it because I feel the need to get the timeline right on what he wrote when. What year of school was he in..how old was he, what were his feelings at that particular time of his life, all the things that are so important in making you know and love Josh the way I knew and loved him! It's all relevant, then I can edit out parts that might need to be trimmed.
I had all of his notebooks, yearbooks, manuscripts, pictures, his wallet and his driver licenses all laid out over the entire surface of his queen size bed today. I was playing some of his favorite music at the time. I put all the information into a timeline of labeled manilla folders...so much stuff...that child had SO much to say...he lived three lifetimes in his short 22 years. I haven't even glazed the surface yet on his livejournals (an internet diary before MySpace came about). Or his MySpace posts, or his screenplays, his hundreds of poems, his computer too...is full.
I have to discipher all of these things to get into Josh's head to understand why what happened happened. Why did he make the wrong choices that he did and what propelled him to do it? This comes from my training on my first job out of high school working in the newsroom of The Des Moines Register and Tribune. I loved that job, I loved telling people's stories, and I loved probing for the facts that made the story crediable.
It would be easier just to pluck out what I remember from my head, but that would be slacking, and since it's been four years alot of important information would be forgotten, mis interpreted, or glossed over. When I read Josh's words I stay true to his character. This is what I want and need for his book, the HARD way is usually the RIGHT way.
He WAS his mother's son. He had the same start, stop, jump to another project personality that his mom does. A million irons in the fire and not the best follow through. I always chock this off to the 'creative' personality, but it might be lack of disipline.
I can tell you right now I just want to jump to another project, this one is HARD! I don't like HARD. I like EASY, BREEZY, and quick.
I'm learning that life is hard, well, I knew that, but I'm learning that disipline is a virtue.
I'm realizing that this is a project I can't walk away from, this is a challenge I MUST complete...it's not for me, and it's not even COMPLETELY for Josh, it's for the millions of kids out there that want to give up and walk away when life gets too hard. It's for the parents that want EASY BREEZY and get frustrated and stifled when parenting gets exhausting.
So yesterday I didn't get to write because I was surrounded with the din of noise and people. Not that I don't love people..I was working or socializing with them all day.
But, writing is a solitary effort, you can't be distracted by ANYTHING while your doing it. And if you DON'T do it...it just doesn't get done. They will never invent anything that can take the disipline of writing away...and I consider that a GOOD thing. You just have to face your demons and plough through them.
Today I worked on Josh's book most of the day, by myself in his bedroom. Going through his yearbooks seeing all of the gifts right there on paper...that was MY boy...MY talented beautiful boy with all he had to offer this world! This day was sad and sweet at the same time, but I did face my "I don't wanna do this"... and I did it anyway..that is progress even if it wasn't sitting in front of the computer pounding out my word count challenge. I can't tell the story if I don't feel that I've properly done my research, and that's the PART I've been avoiding all of these years. The part that forces me to sit down and face the vast abyss of guilt and saddness. Handling the very papers that Josh wrote his true essence on, the notebooks of his life.
It will get done, it's just so DARN hard! I'm doing it for me, I'm doing it for Josh, I'm doing it for all the broken hearted people in our world that keep ploughing through...one hard day at a time!
Friday, September 10, 2010
I'm happy with myself on my writing challenge. I'm right on track and that is a GOOD thing. I've got Josh up to his senior year in high school. Sadly, I think that's when his problems began.
I also think that's about the time he started writing his live journals which was a very early form of MySpace, so his voice can take over for much of the point of view.
Not that I haven't heard him loud and clear through all of the work I've done thus far, he is a taskmaster, THAT one. I'll come up with some lame butt excuse to do something BEFORE I plop down to type and I just can not get him out of my head....MOM....MOM...GET IN THERE MOM...GET THIS DONE for me...you promised!
Being the good and devoted mother that I am...I have no choice. I bid his favor.
I AM worried about my friend. I called her house last night and spoke to her daughter. I asked if I could pop over to see her for a minute and was told that she was sleeping.
Today I called the house about 10 a.m. and it went to message machine. This worries me greatly. I left a message saying I was concerned and asked for a call back. I called her ex-husband at his CPA firm, got a message on his machine explaining the above and asked for a call back. So far it's 12:30 and nothing.
This is when my writer imagination runs rampant! THis is when I remember my friend asking if I could be her advocate if she needed me to be. Her daughter is very PRO traditional health care and Donna is definitely 100% skeptical of that approach fully. I'm so afraid that with the horrible pain she has been experiencing she is drugged into a submissive state and pliable to anyone's will. I'm also thinking how her ex has been paying alimony all of these years and if anyone has a reason to see an opportunity to end that obligation it would be him.
Then I berate myself for being so suspicious of her family, and realizing I'm only a friend, I'm NOT family. So the story unweaves but it scares the bejabbers out of me how such a strong, strong woman can be riddled into a soft pile of cotton in a matter of pain ridden days.
Okay, enough of that...this sounds like I'm writing a story for Dateline! I don't want that job at all!
I'll keep you posted, I hope I hear something soon! Keep those prayers flying upward!
Maybe they are at the doctors, but I thought her appointment was on Monday next week, maybe I got my dates mixed up...it's certainly happened before! Fingers crossed!
I've got to get my special order for Loop De Loo anklets going, I have a special order of 20 of them with the little cancer charm in pink. A customer is buying them for the Susan B. Komen run for she and her friends...hummmmm that's A LOT of friends don't ya think? But I'm happy for the business!
I've also got to clean this big ole' house, we are hosting the Friday night group (SATURDAY since we have to work and can't stay out to all hours tonight) to our house for hors d'ouvres then we'll all go out to eat. Twenty people is a big hostess job...I'd better get to it...my house is a mess...THAT will burn those calories big time!
Update: Settle down Bobbi, Donna was at the doctor's office with her daughter...her ex-hubby called and then Donna herself called...her voice was music to my ears!
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