Friday, December 28, 2007
So I hung in for as long as I could but the holidays conquered me. This was the first real challenge to my program. All my old strategies failed me in a combination of family, tradition, and unlimited favorite food options. So at the advice of a fellow "struggler" I am going to stop and write down what failure looks and feels like in hopes that by next year I will have some better ideas to get through Christmas.
Here's how it starts. Christmas is coming and all of your favorite things are making their way into your home. At first you try to make reasonable indulgences but soon you remember how good it feels to eat and eat. Combine that with the stress of the holidays and the feeling every mom has that your list will never end before Christmas and you have the perfect storm of emotional eating and cravings for the super sweet and rich food. And at first it is really fun. You are remembering the joys of sweet. You love the freedom of grazing with no limits. And to be honest it feels nice to be full and you feel amazingly satisfied.
But it doesn't stop...and YOU don't stop. And before you know it you are uncomfortably bursting. In fact, before you know it you are sick. Because you can't eat like you used to. That's what the past 9 months have been all about. Your body has changed and just can't accommodate the amount of junk you used to eat without batting an eyelash. So there you are, stuffed, sick, and a little humiliated. After all of your healthy changes you have still managed to eat yourself sick. And, you have to admit to yourself, this is disgusting. You feel bloated and your face breaks out and you can't even enjoy relatives noticing your weight loss because you feel so gross. Your back starts to hurt and you are almost overwhelmingly exhausted.
I won't go any farther than that because despite this nasty fall I refuse to think I am disgusting. Actually I'm quite amazing. This year I have proven to myself how capable I am giving myself that great balance of what I need and what I want. I just need to regain that ease in my body and grace in my mind. And I am confident that I can.
Maybe the highlights of this stumble deserve some attention. I couldn't manage without my water so despite my falls I still had to get water in every day. So that lesson my body has learned. When I had bad days I found myself craving fruits and veggies. So my body has learned to want what it truly needs to some level. I wish I had stuck with my resolution to get to my cardio every day NO MATTER WHAT. To be honest my stumbling block with that was pure exhaustion. I just ran out of energy and I was getting less sleep than I should.....
So here I am picking myself up and brushing myself off. We'll have to see how much damage I've done next week. Meanwhile I am consoling myself with the fact that you can't gain back 60 pounds in one week. I knew my journey wouldn't be over by the end of the year. Maybe I will have to push my vision from spring into summer. I definitely lost the Christmas battle but I really don't want to give up on the war.
So I'd like to take this opportunity to welcome back those 5-10 pounds that I lost over the past couple months. I guess I should've known you'd be home for Christmas. Consider this fair warning----you pounds don't get too comfortable because I am planning on dropping you as soon as I get the chance! Goodbye extreme consumption. No repentance, no redemption, not even punishment---just a return to the the world of consistency of good choices that add up to what success looks (and feels) like.