Monday, July 09, 2012
That's right you heard me right I don't give a hoot anymore...about what people may or may not be thinking about me! I have spent so many years being way to conscious of what I think people are thinking when really they probably are not really thinking about me anyway. I mean I am not that important that I would register in a random strangers thoughts I am not Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes for gosh sakes. I must have believed for years that I was some big important movie star, scientist, or maybe an astronaut because I have avoided doing things, wearing things, and much more because I believed people were judging me, secretly laughing at me, or whispering about me. WOW was I cocky ! I will let you all in on a little secret that I have learned after 56 days NOBODY REALLY CARES WHAT YOU ARE DOING! WOW just that thought that realization is so freeing it is like lifting boulders off of my shoulders. I have really embraced the concept of not giving a hoot anymore and I have been enjoying my summer with my daughter Gracie. We have went swimming at the lake, the neighbors pool, and the city pool! Does anyone realize how good it feels to be swimming again?!? If anyone doesn't know the answer it feels AWESOME! I have also been wearing capri's with tennis shoes to work because really who wants to wear pants when it is 104 degrees out. I have also been wearing tank tops, shorts, and pretty much doing things that I have been to ashamed or embarrassed to do for so many years. I am not losing the pounds as quickly as I would hope and that is frustrating, but I am not letting my size bog me down anymore. Gosh Darnit I am on a journey and I am going to enjoy that journey in a tank top! Lets face it it may take me years to lose the weight and that sucks, but I am not going to wait years to do things like wear tank tops and swim nope I am going to do them now. Plus along the way I am going to like who I am and what I look like right now because that is important too. I like who I think I will be when I am skinny, but I need to like who I am when I am fat too because really the skinny girl won't be happy unless the fat girl gets happy!
On a side note I found my wedding ring, or actually my daughter did on the bottom of a laundry basket. Though the day she found my wedding ring I lost my cell phone with all 1,000 pictures of Gracie that I didn't have backed up :(
Have a Great Day Everyone And Remember to Not Give A Hoot Anymore!
Monday, June 18, 2012
Last Wednesday I came home from work all amped up to do some 10 min workouts with Coach Nicole. I love those 10-20 min workouts on SparkPeople they help give me the change up that I need so I don't get bored. I was just lacing up my shoes when my daughter came into my room complaining of a belly ache. Felt her head and sure enough she had a fever. I checked her temp with a thermometer and she was 103. This of course was just the fun beginning by Thursday night she was burning a steady 105 which continued until Saturday, and by Sunday she was down to 102 in the A.M. and finally back to a nice 98.7 by late evening. Needless to say the last 4-5 days have not been about me. I haven't gotten the sleep that I require since I was up every 1hr checking temps, giving meds, starting baths, and recooling compresses. Not to mention going to the drs office to get poked and prodded. I didn't eat as well as I should have it was grab and go when I remembered and sometimes stuffing something not so good into my mouth because I was soooo hungry. The important thing is that Gracie is feeling better the full body rash she developed is even starting to fade, and that is the most important thing in my world. Am I frustrated about my actions yes, but I understand that some of my actions could have been prevented and some were out of my control.
I have no doubts in my mind that this journey is down right frustrating. I want to be all or nothing girl, I want to take diet pills, sign up for gastric bypass, buy whatever miracle is out there to make this journey speedy. The thing is I could do all of those things and maybe have quick and speedy weight loss, but I know that I wouldn't be able to maintain that weight loss....yet. I am still trying to sort out why I let myself get to this size, why I turn to food when I am stressed or sad, why I feel so inadequate when I look at myself in the mirror. I used to think being skinny was the answer to all of my problems. That if I was skinny I would love the girl in the mirror, I would be happy, have no problems with food, and life would be perfect. I can't say that I believe that anymore and I know that I must take the long frustrating journey to find the answers so I can make a life long change. I'm not fully there and I have my days where I am less then perfect but I am getting better at recognizing when I slip away from my goals so that I can tweak myself a little bit more.
I guess I am just hoping that I can find a new normal. I want my new normal to mean that I workout out 3-5 times a week, make healthy eating choices, start liking the girl I see in the mirror right now, and I would like my new normal to mean that I don't feel so frustrated on this journey. I guess these are my new short term/long term goals that I need to post where I can see them. I hope this journey gets easier but I know that since I am on day 35 and haven't given up even when I have slipped it's a good sign. Oh and I almost forgot I need to be blogging more! It really is helpful to blog about my day and I actually feel that I am held accountable because I don't want to disappoint! I feel at home on SparkPeople and the people I have met are truly one of a kind great people, so thank you my fellow Sparkers for welcoming me into this community!
Have a Great Day!
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