Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Today there is a Blood Donation Camp in my office. I belong to this rare negative blood group and I still remember the time when the service groups had our (my blood groupers) contact numbers and call us when there is an urgent need for blood. I still remember those days when I donated blood for open heart surgeries and also actively participated in camps like these. But today, with my illness, I cannot. I have been sitting here in my desk trying to hide my feelings when everyone stop by my desk and ask me if I am not going to donate blood. What can I say? How can I tell them how much I wish to be part of this and help the needy but I cannot? I really feel disappointed and more handicapped today. Will I ever get back to where I was before?
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
I have been off track for about 2 months now.. I was into SP but not actively involved. I need to get back on track and work towards reaching my goal.. During the last two months I strayed a lot, without much exercise, eating whatever I wanted and as a result had poor energy level and attitude... I need to change that.. I need to get back on track again.. I am not forcing myself to be perfect all of a sudden, but slowly I need to teach myself to be consistent.
Every morning I wake up thinking today is the day that I will catch up, but then I don't take any efforts towards it.. So how did I get this 'Wisdom' today? Ok, today at work, one of my co-worker brought in some Wafer bars and shared them with co-workers in the same aisle. I picked up 1 bar, it was temptingly too sweet. I saw a co-worker that came for seconds and then sneaked in for a third time thinking that no one was watching him. He is the one that tells us that he needs to work out and reduce his weight. He's also had family history of Heart problems. Looking at his action, my temptation just disappeared. I begin to feel sorry for him. I would have done the same thing if wasn't for SP, but today, I just didn't go for a second one.. I feel good myself, but I somehow realize the need to help my co-worker to get into healthy lifestyle.. But before I preach to someone something, I should be living it.. And then may be I'll refer him to SP.
So here I am starting all over again.. I need to get into healthy eating habits and to be consistent with 10 minz workouts.. I need to get back to tracking my food, because that is how I know what I put into my body..
Wish me luck friends!!
Monday, August 02, 2010
My heart is heavy and I feel like crying.. Not sure of the reason.. May not be just one.. Multiple things overwhelming me at the same time... No body seems to understand me and my illness just because I look just fine.. I have been having this roller coaster ride with my health.. There are average to good days when I can do my tasks fairly well.. but then there are days like today and yesterday when I just feel sick and tired and donot want to get out of my bed.. Just dizzy and feeling heavy on my knees and legs.. Yeah, its one of those days today and I just wanted to go home and take a nap.. But that doesn't seem like an option being at work.. I depend on my dh for a ride. Since he's got meetings most of the day today, I am kind of stuck.. Wouldn't it be nice if they have like a break room where the really sick ones can take rest? I don't think employers want any of the employees to come to work and take a nap.. So that option may not be available anytime now...
My problem is that I don't like telling people that I am sick.. If I do, then I'll have to explain them of my disease, its history and it effects.. They'll just fall pity on me and forget after a while.. Waste of my time and energy on the whole.. so I avoid telling them.. These days I don't have enough energy to host dinners for our friends and relatives at home.. I used to be a good organizer and host various parties and dinners at home, but these days I just don't.. One reason is that I don't have the energy and the other is that I don't even feel like taking that effort.. I don't have a helper to help me out either.. Everytime my parents-in-law visits us, they invite all their relatives and friends without even letting me know.. As a result we'll have a house full of guests and I will get into deep stress.. What else I am supposed to get? That's the main reason I dread their visits.. My dh understands me some and he tries to help me out.. but it doesn't workout most of the times.. His mom and dad wins the show.. Its his parents and not mine.. So no wonder in them not understanding me.. Though they know about my illness, they just think that I am just fine... May be I should ask her how may tablets or medications she had to take when she was my age to control the symptoms? Or how many days did she consciously had to dress up or forcefully had to wear sunscreen because the sun's rays might flare up the illness? Negligible right? Will that give her an understanding of what I am going through? I don't think so.. When she asked me how I am doing, I told her: 'I am ok, but I am very tired at times' Her reply was 'Everyone feels tired at the end of the day'.. And I felt bad.. 'Why should she even ask me if she was going to backfire me with such a crappy reply?' I was about to ask her why she had to ask me just for the sake of asking.. But I couldn't, Instead my eyes started watering.. Anyways I cannot expect much more from her.. Because she is not my mother.. All I need to know is to find a workaround to keep off my stress...
I really thank GOD for my dh who has been very understanding.. very patient.. and helpful.. If it was not for him, I'd have gone into deep stress and who knows what would have happened to me.. GOD gave me this illness and such a wonderful dh and parents.. My parents are just amazing.. They feel sad and guilty that I am struggling with such a pain.. They very much wanted to take part in my sufferings.. I feel sorry to have put them in such a stress too.. But am I the cause for all these? Sometimes I envy others when things just happen to them without even having a second thought.. and they take things for granted.. But see me.. I have to think several times before even doing anything.. I can't just head out to shopping, or do anything just like that...
WIll they ever find a cure for this disease, not just treating the symptoms?
Tuesday, June 08, 2010
Ok, I think about getting back on track.. Some of you know that I have been dealing with a lot of changes in my life.. My new job - been here for about a week now and I hope things will settle soon.. Move - that's a major one.. Its been over a month now since we moved, but there are still items to be unpacked and pending tasks to be done at home too.. But I am not stressing too much on that, just handling what I can do.. no hurries there.. My doc appointment - that wasn't pretty. My Blood Pressure went up while I was there and there's some protein getting into the urine which is not good.. So now I'm on additional meds.. I was hoping for things to be *Normal* this time and my hope was shattered that I cried a lot in the hospital without being able to control myself.. My mom was upset seeing me crying.. Wasn't good.. but yeah that's reality and I have to deal with it.. I hope to be able to get out of this medication sometime soon.. The thought of taking the BP meds forever haunts me.. I was just crying 'What did I do wrong?' If that's your will LORD, I'll take it.
So I have been dealing with a lot of these, so not much time into working out, though I was concentrating on my diet - especially reducing the amount of sodium. My mom is here with me to help me out.. I should say this: Every time I am in need, she is here like a guardian angel.. She doesn't get to be with me much during my *good* times, but she is almost always there during my bad times, my times of need.. I feel so bad for her putting her in such a situation.. She never hesitates to help me out with anything.. I am so sorry to see her doing all my chores even at this age.. Instead she is so sorry and feels guilty when I am into pain.. We both have to deal with this stress almost everyday.. Yeah.. I have no clue how to fight this except handling one day at a time.. I am hoping and praying that GOD will not give me more than I can handle.. But looks like he is making me stretch my endurance level a little bit everytime..
Ok, back to my point.. I am slowly getting back on track.. I hope not to get overwhelmed with everything around me.. I may not be perfectly back to my routine, but am planning to handle one thing at a time..
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